My name is not on the mortgage and I pay him £700 per month

[Star54]

I have been with my partner for 30 plus years, we have grown up children and I work full time in a high pressured role. I have always worked and paid towards the house and the bills. We never married although we got engaged. He is now retired and has been for circa 10 years, I give him £700 per month and pay a significant part of the food bill, I also pay when we go out for meals etc. I have left him before twice but returned in part because he refused to give me any money from the house to start anew. My name is not on the house deeds and there is no mortgage, if I raise it the issue always causes a row and he says that he is saving the family as I could walk off and take money from him. I am at the end of my tether and now fel I should leave. Am I being unreasonable given that he had a property in his own right when we first met (I was 21 and am now in my 50s). I am strong him my job but not assertive in my relationship as I have felt bad for leaving him before.

I hate to be so blunt but if he drops dead you are effectively homeless.

Go to a solicitor for advice. Do not change what you are giving him unless the solicitor confirms it is the best course of action & ask solicitor about it.
If you stop without advice, he'll know something is up.

Are you paying by bank transfer and can yo prove you got engaged, i.e.ring, witnesses, photos etc.

[quote Liverbird77]@Fairylightsongs what?? If you rent you tend not to have sex/children/live with your landlord.
They are clearly partners.
Yes, the op may not have a legal right to the house but she sure as hell has a moral one.[/quote]
I don’t think the moral right was ever in question. The trouble is OP has let this go thirty years without establishing any legal rights. The £700 could easily be deemed share or bills / living costs, not a beneficial interest.

Please tell us you have a pension?
I think he won't change now. He is sitting on property and saving masses of cash every month Maybe your dc will inherit. Stop paying 700 and save for your own place, even rented would be better than that selfish ass. I bet he will miss you more than you miss him!

You are entitled to part of the property during a split because you have clear evidence of contributing to the mortgage.

Hope this helps, but please take all your evidence to a solicitor.

You’ve got to be so careful when owning your own home and moving in with someone and taking money from them.
Your partner is obviously very silly to not realise this.

This really shouldn't be a problem,you do need to seek legal advice, but if you can prove that you paid towards the upkeep of your home and family fo the last thirty years,and you're not a lodger. ( Common law wife and mother) A judge would consider that you have a financial interest in the house .marriage isn't necessary.

@Spodocomod0

This really shouldn't be a problem,you do need to seek legal advice, but if you can prove that you paid towards the upkeep of your home and family fo the last thirty years,and you're not a lodger. ( Common law wife and mother) A judge would consider that you have a financial interest in the house .marriage isn't necessary.

Common law spouse doesn't exist everywhere.

Its is a problem because its likey to be lengthy, costly process to resolve.

I note that he's retired now, is he significantly older than you? Does he have grown up children from a previous relationship? That would send me running - depending on the numbers, your own children might end up owning less than 50% of the house after his death and whereas your own dc might treat you honorably, adult step children might not and you might be out on your ear sooner rather than later.

If he will not marry or will you the house, You must find out if you can claim a beneficial interest in the place. Alternatively, you must buy your own property and direct your £700 to that, in the hope you can clear a mortgage before state retirement age. Work out half of the household bills, add half of the food bills and only put that into the joint account.

Does he have a will?

Has he made a will? Have you seen it recently? Has he made provision for you of he goes first?

You need to be asking questions here and quick.

In a relationship for 30 years and contributing heavily towards the cost, you are entitled. Married or not. Get some legal advice asap

That's just insane!!

@SleepingStandingUp

She then paid £700 a month plus half of groceries for about 20 years so that covered what? Power, insurance, utilities, TV etc. So you paid no household bills once she moved in and she also gave you extra cash on top.

And a lot more on child-related stuff, which is also a joint expense. a lot more that you or just half of lots of money?

Sounds like you used your house as a way to milk her for cash

Funny you should ask what the £700 went on, she asked exactly the same thing, when she realised there wasn't a mortgage. There certainly were some recent years when she paid more than half the joint outgoings. It's funny how you (and she) only want to talk about parts of picture in isolation, and (for example) ignore the several years in which she contributed nothing and I bought and paid off the house. The bottom line is that when you add up all contributions, by either party, for all years, I paid 75% of all outgoings. And that's after you deduct housing equity I got back from what I paid in.

(With regard to child-related expenses, everything she or I laid out is included in our respective contributions mentioned above. I guess I was mentioning it just to show her overall contribution was actually much more than £700 a month, and she still doesn't have a case for equity.)

I hate to be so blunt but if he drops dead you are effectively homeless.

Well potentially homeless. Without legal protection from homelessness.

Hopefully, though, OP’s DC are less twatty than their father and wouldn’t actually put their mum out in the street to grab the equity.

You’ve been with him for 30 years and only just complaining about it now?

Why oh why do women do this - it's heartbreaking to read.

The only plus is that you could try to establish a 'beneficial interest'.

Please do put this charming explanation on all your dating profiles, so future dates understand what they’re getting into.

Definitely get legal advice. To have been together 30 years but to be without any kind of security must be a very stressful position to be in.

Please consider emptying the joint bank account if you have one! Then and only after would I discuss the relationship again.

You are concerned that the mother of your children should have somewhere secure and suitable to live following your split, though, presumably @RandomLondoner ?

I mean you do recognise the ways she’s contributed to the home and family? Financially, emotionally and practically? You wouldn’t want your children to have to worry about their mother?

That is awful. For a long-time, DP (now DH) and I lived in a house that I owned and paid the mortgage on. We split utility bills, but I never wanted him to contribute to the mortgage because it would not have been fair, as it was my asset.

@Fairylightsongs

Op, if you rented for thirty years do you feel you’d be entitled to the house. This is no different. It’s his, yoire not married, you have no entitlement, it’s just like paying rent.

Well it’s not because id the OP was renting then

1. She woudd have a lease and security of tenure

1. She wouldn’t have to provide sex and domestic services to the landlord

1. She wouldn’t have to share the house with the landlord, let alone her bed.

Or indeed be the mother of his children @M0RVEN!

@WTF475878237NC

Please consider emptying the joint bank account if you have one! Then and only after would I discuss the relationship again.

Don't do that - it muddies the waters, as well as giving him a warning. Lawyer first.

You need legal advice. You are possibly screwed tbh.