Page 2 | My name is not on the mortgage and I pay him £700 per month

Star54 · 2022-02-09T17:56:55+00:00

I have been with my partner for 30 plus years, we have grown up children and I work full time in a high pressured role. I have always worked and paid towards the house and the bills. We never married although we got engaged. He is now retired and has been for circa 10 years, I give him £700 per month and pay a significant part of the food bill, I also pay when we go out for meals etc. I have left him before twice but returned in part because he refused to give me any money from the house to start anew. My name is not on the house deeds and there is no mortgage, if I raise it the issue always causes a row and he says that he is saving the family as I could walk off and take money from him. I am at the end of my tether and now fel I should leave. Am I being unreasonable given that he had a property in his own right when we first met (I was 21 and am now in my 50s). I am strong him my job but not assertive in my relationship as I have felt bad for leaving him before.

Marmm · 09/02/2022 18:17

You've basically paid rent with no contract then. I would see a solicitor on the down low

saleorbouy · 09/02/2022 18:18

If I was you I'd be very worried, you have gifted him a significant amount of money towards an asset that will have increased in value but which you have no title to.
He could easily have set up a will to pass this on to someone else on his death and you will be homeless and out of pocket.
I would stop paying immediately and seek legal advice to become tenants in common.

CristinaYangismySpiritAnimal · 09/02/2022 18:19

Please get proper legal advice and soon.

Jvg33 · 09/02/2022 18:37

You do have rights op! Go and speak to a solicitor. Do not move out of the house - he can't make you legally. You have enough proof through bank statements. Go and get what is yours! Just have to believe in yourself.

Chely · 09/02/2022 18:39

That's a bit expensive for a lodger

Heronwatcher · 09/02/2022 18:39

You don’t have to leave but you do stop paying him the £700 and invest that somewhere for yourself, ideally where he can’t find it. Buy your own food and keep it away from him. He gets not a penny of money or a minute of wife work until your name is on the deeds. Then leave him.

Jvg33 · 09/02/2022 18:39

Stop paying him and any food bills for him! Very greedy he is

Jvg33 · 09/02/2022 18:40

Get your children on side too. Dad is screwing over our mother for no reason

RandomLondoner · 09/02/2022 18:42

You could almost be my soon-to-be-ex. My flat is in my name only, mortgage paid off before she started making any contribution to join finances. She then paid £700 a month plus half of groceries for about 20 years. And a lot more on child-related stuff, which is also a joint expense.

I guess many here would think she should be entitled some equity, But according to my calculation, if I add up all joint expenditure, including what I spent on buying the flat, then deduct the housing equity I got at the end from my contribution, I still paid 75% of our joint costs.

So I would say having paid 700 a month does not necessarily prove any moral entitlement to a share of house equity. It's meaningless in isolation, we need to know everything both parties put in and got out, to come to a conclusion.

WonderfulYou · 09/02/2022 18:46

How much do you earn?
How much is the mortgage?

It’s hard to know whether £700 is a lot or not without knowing how much you earn/how expensive the bills are.
If the bills come to over £1400 a month then I can see why your name isn’t on it if you’re paying less than half.

If you are engaged is it not easier to just have a small wedding instead of trying to get your name put on the mortgage?

You have been together way too long to not have your name on the mortgage.
Are you definitely protected if something ever happened to him.

LittleMissTake · 09/02/2022 18:46

You might be able to claim a beneficial interest under a constructive trust. This is a complex area of law. Please google solicitors with expertise in this field.

Liverbird77 · 09/02/2022 18:48

@Fairylightsongs what?? If you rent you tend not to have sex/children/live with your landlord.
They are clearly partners.
Yes, the op may not have a legal right to the house but she sure as hell has a moral one.

stuntbubbles · 09/02/2022 18:48

But according to my calculation, if I add up all joint expenditure, including what I spent on buying the flat, then deduct the housing equity I got at the end from my contribution, I still paid 75% of our joint costs.
I wonder what it would be according to her calculation…

viques · 09/02/2022 18:50

@RandomLondoner

You could almost be my soon-to-be-ex. My flat is in my name only, mortgage paid off before she started making any contribution to join finances. She then paid £700 a month plus half of groceries for about 20 years. And a lot more on child-related stuff, which is also a joint expense.

I guess many here would think she should be entitled some equity, But according to my calculation, if I add up all joint expenditure, including what I spent on buying the flat, then deduct the housing equity I got at the end from my contribution, I still paid 75% of our joint costs.

So I would say having paid 700 a month does not necessarily prove any moral entitlement to a share of house equity. It's meaningless in isolation, we need to know everything both parties put in and got out, to come to a conclusion.

So if the mortgage was paid off what was the £700 a month for?

Inspectorslack · 09/02/2022 18:53

@Jvg33

Get your children on side too. Dad is screwing over our mother for no reason

Don’t do this.

Electriq · 09/02/2022 18:55

We see £700 and think its a lot, but we don't know anything about the house, or bills.

£700 could be a fraction of the costs of bills, car, shopping.

But definitely get some legal advise OP.

TyrannysaurusXXrightshoarder · 09/02/2022 18:56

You could almost be my soon-to-be-ex. My flat is in my name only, mortgage paid off before she started making any contribution to join finances
But the OP didn’t say that the house they live in now was the same house as the one owned outright by the partner when they met. It might be or it might be a different, bigger, more expensive house, that he could only afford because OP was paying GBP700 per month……

SleepingStandingUp · 09/02/2022 18:57

What are you actually paying for??

Ct £200 tops?
Power £100?
Insurance £50?
Water 30?
Tv license 20?
Telly subscriptions £60?

I mean they're guesses but they're generous guesses. How on earth is £700 PLUS food reasonable?

I doubt you're ever going to see a penny back, but the sooner you leave, the richer you'll be in comparison.

Thoosa · 09/02/2022 18:58

Stop paying him.
Brace for the reaction but stand firm.
Save the £700 pcm for a deposit.
Tell him you won’t contribute to his asset any more.
Look into your buying and renting options including shared ownership and 50+ rentals.
Take legal advice. You might be entitled to a small sum.
Once you have a lump sum and a clear plan, leave him.

You don’t want to be with him. He sounds selfish and nasty. Any nest you can make for yourself elsewhere will be better than being stuck with someone you don’t want to be with. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

LemonSqueezy0 · 09/02/2022 18:58

What stopped you fulfilling the engagement, and getting married? Was that his idea, or yours?

When he says he's kept the family together, that makes me think he knows what he is doing by keeping the situation as it is. I don't think he is naieve at all. He is using it as a means to control you.

If you insist on staying with him, get married at least. Do a surprise announcement on valentines day that you are getting married on X date.m, finally fulfilling the engagement of 1982 (or whenever) don't be a fool.

supersop60 · 09/02/2022 19:00

@Heronwatcher

You don’t have to leave but you do stop paying him the £700 and invest that somewhere for yourself, ideally where he can’t find it. Buy your own food and keep it away from him. He gets not a penny of money or a minute of wife work until your name is on the deeds. Then leave him.

This. BUT get proper professional advice asap. Actually, do that first, and don't give him any inkling that things are going to change. If he's that much of an arse, he'll get his own solicitor and screw you over

SleepingStandingUp · 09/02/2022 19:00

She then paid £700 a month plus half of groceries for about 20 years so that covered what? Power, insurance, utilities, TV etc. So you paid no household bills once she moved in and she also gave you extra cash on top.

And a lot more on child-related stuff, which is also a joint expense. a lot more that you or just half of lots of money?

Sounds like you used your house as a way to milk her for cash

Stressedout1009 · 09/02/2022 19:00

@HotToddyColdSauvignon

Sigh. And if he drops dead tomorrow, you know you don’t automatically get the right to stay in the house right?

Why do intelligent women put themselves in this position!? You must have half a brain cell if you’re in a job, any job, so why haven’t you demanded your rights to the house to be married in thirty bloody years!?

Sorry op but I agree with this. No excuse to let thirty years to go by with your head in the sand. Thirty years . You need to act now.

NWE231 · 09/02/2022 19:01

a small crumb of comfort, even if you don't get anything I assume ultimately it will be left to your children

Bordois · 09/02/2022 19:02

Why not just leave and put that £700 a month towards renting your own place?