Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

My name is not on the mortgage and I pay him £700 per month

395 replies

Star54 · 09/02/2022 17:56

I have been with my partner for 30 plus years, we have grown up children and I work full time in a high pressured role. I have always worked and paid towards the house and the bills. We never married although we got engaged. He is now retired and has been for circa 10 years, I give him £700 per month and pay a significant part of the food bill, I also pay when we go out for meals etc. I have left him before twice but returned in part because he refused to give me any money from the house to start anew. My name is not on the house deeds and there is no mortgage, if I raise it the issue always causes a row and he says that he is saving the family as I could walk off and take money from him. I am at the end of my tether and now fel I should leave. Am I being unreasonable given that he had a property in his own right when we first met (I was 21 and am now in my 50s). I am strong him my job but not assertive in my relationship as I have felt bad for leaving him before.

OP posts:
RosiePosieDozy · 09/02/2022 21:10

He's treated you like dirt for 30 years. Happy to take that amount of money from you and essentially trap you.

There's a better life than this one. Seek legal advice.

PonyPatter44 · 09/02/2022 21:12

Somehow, I don't think the OP will come back. Hopefully she will be reading though, and will realise that something really has to change!

Jedsnewstar · 09/02/2022 21:14

Op, if you rented for thirty years do you feel you’d be entitled to the house. This is no different. It’s his, yoire not married, you have no entitlement, it’s just like paying rent

I never had children with any of my landlords. They also didn’t live in the house with me.

Kennykenkencat · 09/02/2022 21:14

he says that he is saving the family as I could walk off and take money from him

So he doesn’t consider you family.

Definitely see a solicitor. One that knows the ins and outs of this type of set up.

I presume the mortgage was paid off years ago. £700 rent would have given you a place of your own. You don’t even get your own bed and you are feeding someone else

Pity when you left the first time you didn’t cut your losses and stayed away.

It’s not just the £700 per month but the food shopping and paying when you go out.

What exactly does he pay for?

Orangesandlemons77 · 09/02/2022 21:14

I don't think it can be true surely.

Kennykenkencat · 09/02/2022 21:16

Jedsnewstar

“Op, if you rented for thirty years do you feel you’d be entitled to the house. This is no different. It’s his, yoire not married, you have no entitlement, it’s just like paying rent”

I never had children with any of my landlords. They also didn’t live in the house with me

Or expect to be fed or taken out.

RussianSpy101 · 09/02/2022 21:17

@RandomLondoner gosh, 3 guesses why she’s an ex! You sound such a peach.

TequilaStories · 09/02/2022 21:21

Professional legal advice is the only option, there’s no way you can figure this out on you’re own, you’d be guessing. Don’t tell him, just sit down and have everything worked through with a solicitor. Once you have legal backing set everything up for yourself financially and leave. Don’t worry about what’s happened in the past look to the future. If he’s exploiting you financially now while you’re working it will get way worse when you stop, you could end up homeless, so get it sorted now not later.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/02/2022 21:25

If you are still reading op the link mermaids kindly put on has a useful link of the types of documents a solicitor will need to see.

Livelovebehappy · 09/02/2022 21:26

@KnobJockey

What happens if you just refuse to pay any more? Can you push him towards marriage quickly?
He’s not stupid though. They’ve been rowing about adding her name on the deeds, so I think he might realise the reason for her pushing for marriage. That ship’s sailed I’m afraid.
caringcarer · 09/02/2022 21:28

He should not be taking £700pcm off you if mortgage is paid off. Do not alert him but quietly go to see a solicitor with any evidence you paid £700pcm to him. I hope it was by bank transfer and not just handing over cash. It you just handed over cash I don't think you have any chance of proving it. If you end up getting nothing you can still leave him and find as alternative accommodation. At least your pension will be protected from him.

User8721643839 · 09/02/2022 21:30

@Nomoreusernames1244

I would also see a solicitor. I believe if you can show you have contributed to the mortgage, paid repair bills or otherwise for the upkeep of the house, you do have a claim on part of the value even if not married.

If you aren’t planning to leave my concern would what would happen if he dies tomorrow- will you be homeless? Or have to contest a will or probate for your share?
Does he have a will? I would suggest he at least leaves it to your children, with you having a life interest, if he’s adamant he won’t leave it to you outright.

See a solicitor and see where you stand.

I’d also start putting that £700 in your pension rather than his house.

Nope. It doesn't. If your name isn't on the deeds, you are merely paying rent
Kennykenkencat · 09/02/2022 21:35

RandomLondoner

If £700 is half of housing expenses after the mortgage. What sort of house do you live in.

Mine even now are only round £600 per month in total.

Another £500 for food, toiletries , cleaning materials. I am struggling to see how you get it to £1400 even now. A few months ago my gas and electric bill was max £125 so £175 less than I pay now.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 09/02/2022 21:36

Nope. It doesn't. If your name isn't on the deeds, you are merely paying rent

So why does it say this on a family law website?

There is a limited exception to these rules if you and your ex partner have been engaged. Even if you cannot demonstrate a common intention to share ownership, if you have made payments toward the mortgage or any other substantial contribution as described above, you may be treated as having acquired an equitable interest in the property

Most family law websites state if you believed there was an intention to share ownership, you may have an interest, the exception being as above- if you were engaged, you don’t have to prove intention.

WeyAyeMan · 09/02/2022 21:40

@Jvg33

Get your children on side too. Dad is screwing over our mother for no reason
Why would you drag the children into a game of tug of war between the parents?
Original poster
Star54 · 09/02/2022 21:41

No the house is one we moved to when the children were 4 and 6, I am going to seek legal advice as I’m feeling empowered by all the comments and suggestions …many thanks all

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 09/02/2022 21:41

You need to take legal advice on registering a beneficial interest in the property given you have been living there for a long time and paying a substantial monthly amount. I suggest in the meantime you stop paying for his food and meals out. He is using you as his pension.

worriedmummyofboys · 09/02/2022 21:56

C

Loveisthere · 09/02/2022 22:01

Op please go to a Solicitor asap. I know a lady late fifties two adult married dc had been with her partner 26 years never married dp never made a will. Dp passed suddenly. The dc inherited everything, sold the house the lady ended up on benefits sharing a 4 bedroom house with 3 strangers. Dc spent their money and did not give their dm anything. Please now is the time to get this sorted out not oh when you get time to do it make time now. Best of look x

marpelier · 09/02/2022 22:01

And you all laughed at the Australian de facto ( or common law) marriage laws. Should have moved here OP. Good luck with it all.

Somethingsnappy · 09/02/2022 22:05

Best of luck with the solicitor, OP. A PP mentioned that the fact you have been previously engaged may be significant.

minipie · 09/02/2022 22:07

Good luck OP. Glad you’re going to get legal advice - you want to see a family law solicitor. Did he tell you the house was partly yours or did he always say it was just his?

timeisnotaline · 09/02/2022 22:08

@RandomLondoner

You could almost be my soon-to-be-ex. My flat is in my name only, mortgage paid off before she started making any contribution to join finances. She then paid £700 a month plus half of groceries for about 20 years. And a lot more on child-related stuff, which is also a joint expense.

I guess many here would think she should be entitled some equity, But according to my calculation, if I add up all joint expenditure, including what I spent on buying the flat, then deduct the housing equity I got at the end from my contribution, I still paid 75% of our joint costs.

So I would say having paid 700 a month does not necessarily prove any moral entitlement to a share of house equity. It's meaningless in isolation, we need to know everything both parties put in and got out, to come to a conclusion.

Well yes, you are right that it’s meaningless in isolation. If you didn’t take a few years off with children and do half the drop off, pick ups, sports taxiing,school admin, clothes planning, feeding and house sorting then 75% seems a start to me for a fair contribution in typical circumstances.
Allthekittycats · 09/02/2022 22:19

This

I would go and see a solicitor. Without telling him.

Payitforward55 · 09/02/2022 22:28

Does he have any redeeming qualities? Do you love him or do you want to live your life without him? If you want to move into a new chapter without him then yes you need legal advice even it's with citizens advice bureau to start off with. I would stop paying the £700 now whether you decide to stay or go. Does he pay all the bills? Hope you get to a good place with it all.