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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this cheeky fuckery re wedding gift

545 replies

Checkered1 · 09/02/2022 09:55

I know I am unreasonable re the story as it’s my fault, but wondering if it’s CF behaviour! Lighthearted.

NC in case my dear friend is on here! If you are L, hello!!

Around 8 years ago, a friend and I went to one of those 90s band reunion concerts. The ticket was around £120 each and for some reason I never paid her back. I assume I completely forgot but I never paid her. I’m honestly not one to never pay back, so I really can’t remember what happened. She also never mentioned it herself as if she did, I would have paid.

So 8 years pass and I forget about it and she never mentions it.

I got married two weeks ago. Her wedding card included a note that her wedding gift is those concert tickets that I never paid her for. I checked my bank account (lucky in that the latest I can go back online is 2014!) and indeed I can’t see that I transferred her anything. I honestly cannot remember why I never paid her, it’s unlike me, but looks like I never did.

I text her to apologise for never paying her back, so there’s no issue between us at all, in fact I was more embarrassed that there was this debt hanging over us all this time.

But I’m just wondering if the way she approached it is in the realms of cheeky fuckery, or if it’s actually clever!

OP posts:
ImTheOnlyUpsyOne · 09/02/2022 10:52

I think its cheeky to wait 8 years then bring it up on ur wedding day of all times. Silly....i probably would be more upset than you are, because i'm petty like that lol

CurbsideProphet · 09/02/2022 10:53

I'm really intrigued as to why such a good friend wouldn't have text 8 years ago "oh @Checkered1 you've not paid me for those tickets yet" and instead waited all that time until your wedding to write a sniffy message in your wedding card. I would probably be looking at the whole 8 years of friendship and wondering if it was all genuine. After all, she could have said this at one of your birthdays. Why the wedding?

BurntO · 09/02/2022 10:53

You’re the CF but I also can’t see why an adult would chose to deal with it this why. She should have just mentioned it at the time

irregularegular · 09/02/2022 10:54

I think it is very odd behaviour from her. I don't understand why she didn't just ask you for the money and then buy you a nice wedding gift. This just leaves a nasty taste all round.

On the other hand, £120 is a generous gift.

So no, not CF. But not exactly pleasant. But it does depend on the individuals. Maybe she thought you would find it funny????

MrPenguinsPoppers · 09/02/2022 10:54

@Appletreechocolatecake

It’s passive aggressive and mean, your wedding is not the time and place to bring up grievances from the past.
I agree with this tbh.

She's not much of a friend that can't send a text or call you and say "you've forgot my £120 you daft sod" and to stew on it that long? Nah.

I'd send over the £120 and then cool the friendship personally.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 09/02/2022 10:55

I think it's a really mean thing to do on your wedding day. If it were me, I'd send her the money now and then cool the friendship because I can't stand this sort of passive aggressive shit.

irregularegular · 09/02/2022 10:56

It’s been two years and I’m conscious I still owe him a dinner! I’m usually very good!

Why don't you just pay him the £70 then!!!?

Viviennemary · 09/02/2022 10:56

You were both as bad as each other. How dreadful not paying back such a large sum because you 'forgot'. You won't forget this in a hurry. So job done.

Hibye23289 · 09/02/2022 10:56

Obviously you should have paid her and it is annoying you forgot but I think that was quite nasty to put that in your wedding card, knowing you could have opened that on your actual wedsing day and make you feel embarassed and upset on your special day. She sounds abit of a dick,she shoukd have mentioned it within the 8 years that is a long time and to purposefully do it on your day!! I'd transfer the money and ditch her

Original poster
Checkered1 · 09/02/2022 10:58

@irregularegular

It’s been two years and I’m conscious I still owe him a dinner! I’m usually very good!

Why don't you just pay him the £70 then!!!?

Because he insisted it was his treat, but it was an unnecessary treat, hence why I now need to treat him to dinner…

Why is that so hard to understand?

OP posts:
Pollymollydolly · 09/02/2022 10:59

It’s petty and childish. From what you have said you don’t have a history of forgetting to pay back any money borrowed. She should have reminded you that you hadn’t paid her back - a long time ago. It is actually horrible when you think about it, she has obviously been harbouring this for 8 years but rather than actually say something she has put a note in a wedding card. Nasty.

Somatronic · 09/02/2022 11:01

I think what your friend did is so rude! Imagine bringing that up in your wedding card! Bizarre.

I bought tickets before the pandemic for a gig that obviously didn't go ahead at the time. By the time the gig happens it'll be over 2 and a half years since I bought the tickets. I'm pretty sure she hasn't paid me and I don't plan to bring it up because who cares? We're friends for 25 years and shit like this happens in friendships.

UnsuitableHat · 09/02/2022 11:01

I think that's ridiculous of her. She should have mentioned it at the time and you could have rectified your honest mistake then. I'd ignore her message - not make an issue/talking point of it, but not thank her either.

Underpaidsnackbitch · 09/02/2022 11:02

You are both BU. You should have paid her back and she should have just told you that you hadn't rather than being PA on your wedding day.

But...are you absolutely sure you didn't pay her back, could you have repaid in cash at the time rather than a bank transfer??

FlippityFlippityFlop · 09/02/2022 11:03

@irregularegular

It’s been two years and I’m conscious I still owe him a dinner! I’m usually very good!

Why don't you just pay him the £70 then!!!?

Because that's not how going out to dinner and taking turns to pay works! You do it because you enjoy the other persons company. If one of you end up spending a bit more/bit less there isn't an issue - its about the friendship.

For what it's worth I think your friend is a CF and is not a true friend at all. To write a message like that means she should not have had any problem reminding you over the last 8 years. True, you shouldn't have forgotten - but we are all human. If, as you say, you regularly take turns buying tickets she should have just said " I don't need to pay my share for this one as you still owe me 130 from the last one".

I wouldn't just phase her our - I'd cut her off. Not someone I'd feel the need to have in my life - she's shown a really mean streak.

burnoutbabe · 09/02/2022 11:04

@irregularegular

It’s been two years and I’m conscious I still owe him a dinner! I’m usually very good!

Why don't you just pay him the £70 then!!!?

surely we all do that with friends?

One pays one time and the other the next.

once the pandemic hit, we didn't all sit down and write out a long list of who last paid for a meal and organise a mass transfer? We'll just offer to pay when we go out again.

Elnetthairnet · 09/02/2022 11:05

It’s very weirdly passive aggressive if she’s not even mentioned it over the years. I don’t think it’s very nice of her, I’d be wary of her going forwards.

MimiDaisy11 · 09/02/2022 11:05

People can genuinely forget they owe money it’s not always a way to get out of it. Especially if they don’t see the friend for a while and are busy with things. It’s not good but it does happen.

I think her way of dealing with it is mean. You don’t want people to have negative feelings attached to their wedding or try to bring someone down on a happy occasion. You seem to have a good attitude about it though. I don’t get why she didn’t bring it up. It’s a decent amount of money. So even 6 months or a year later it’d still be acceptable to ask for it.

BoredZelda · 09/02/2022 11:07

That’s quite funny. I guess it depends on how good a friend she is whether you want to be offended that she has a sense of humour about a debt you “forgot” about.

I’d be finding a creative way to get her a wedding gift that gives a nod to the situation, maybe look for some band merch from that concert of she’s still a fan. But my very first thing to do would be to call and apologise profusely for the “oversight”

WorriedGiraffe · 09/02/2022 11:07

So did she actually not give you a wedding gift at all? Seems a spiteful way to do things if so! However you are still the CF not her. I’d pay her the money back on principle really as I’d think it’s a little off not even doing a token gift.

Obviously you should have paid the money back but it’s just an unnecessary thing to do in a wedding card.

ADayAlwaysHasToEnd · 09/02/2022 11:08

I would wonder if you had paid for something else and then said you would call it even? Which is why you don't see a direct transfer of the amount.

If you owed her £120 for 8 years I think it's awkward to bring it up at your wedding

BeeDavis · 09/02/2022 11:09

Maybe she’d forgot you’d not paid her also and randomly remembered so thought it would be funny to remind you this way!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 09/02/2022 11:09

Are you sure that she doesn't believe that she did remind you but that you were interpreting things at cross purposes?

i.e. you might have expected/appreciated a direct "Please don't forget you owe me £120 for the concert ticket - could I have the money now?"; but she could have been more subtle and kept dropping hints: "Ooh, that was a great concert back in July, wasn't it? Well worth the money!" - and, to her, that was her clearly 'reminding' you to pay, taking your failure to pick up on her cues and transferring the money as you clearly trying to tough it out and refuse to pay.

Could that have been a possible scenario here?

MsVanDeKamp · 09/02/2022 11:09

I wonder if she has been harbouring resentment all these years. She may have even told other people about it. I would ask her why she never mentioned it or, as you say, said for you to just take any money she owes you "out of the £120".

Original poster
Checkered1 · 09/02/2022 11:11

@Underpaidsnackbitch

You are both BU. You should have paid her back and she should have just told you that you hadn't rather than being PA on your wedding day.

But...are you absolutely sure you didn't pay her back, could you have repaid in cash at the time rather than a bank transfer??

I don’t think I would have paid cash, but what is possible is that I paid for things the next time we went out to balance it out, or even that night. I have done that with her before a few times, where she buys something, I pay for dinner, drinks, etc.

I can’t even remember where we went for dinner that night but it’s not impossible I paid for dinner and so forth.

But tbh, considering it’s one particular event she’s referring to, I assume I never did that either as she would have remembered by the sound of it.

OP posts:
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