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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this cheeky fuckery re wedding gift

545 replies

Checkered1 · 09/02/2022 09:55

I know I am unreasonable re the story as it’s my fault, but wondering if it’s CF behaviour! Lighthearted.

NC in case my dear friend is on here! If you are L, hello!!

Around 8 years ago, a friend and I went to one of those 90s band reunion concerts. The ticket was around £120 each and for some reason I never paid her back. I assume I completely forgot but I never paid her. I’m honestly not one to never pay back, so I really can’t remember what happened. She also never mentioned it herself as if she did, I would have paid.

So 8 years pass and I forget about it and she never mentions it.

I got married two weeks ago. Her wedding card included a note that her wedding gift is those concert tickets that I never paid her for. I checked my bank account (lucky in that the latest I can go back online is 2014!) and indeed I can’t see that I transferred her anything. I honestly cannot remember why I never paid her, it’s unlike me, but looks like I never did.

I text her to apologise for never paying her back, so there’s no issue between us at all, in fact I was more embarrassed that there was this debt hanging over us all this time.

But I’m just wondering if the way she approached it is in the realms of cheeky fuckery, or if it’s actually clever!

OP posts:
PleasantBirthday · 09/02/2022 10:40

@Appletreechocolatecake

It’s passive aggressive and mean, your wedding is not the time and place to bring up grievances from the past.
I think this is correct. A wedding is not the time for settling old scores (although it is often used for that!).
dudsville · 09/02/2022 10:40

She's playing out an old grudge. It's right thst she should be paid but that wasn't the way to go about it.

Original poster
Checkered1 · 09/02/2022 10:41

@ESGdance I did forget. As I wouldn’t knowingly owe someone £120 and never pay them back. So clearly something happened that meant I forgot.

And I am embarrassed! Of course I am! I don’t like knowing there was this debt for all this time that I was unaware of!

OP posts:
icannotbebothered · 09/02/2022 10:41

Obviously you're wrong for not paying her back, but I can see how it might have happened, I have transferred money to people before and thought it's all gone through and logged off and missed a pop up message saying it didn't go through, so then I thought I had transferred it. I think Its weird of your friend not to bring it up in the last 8 years and to write it in a wedding card.. but it also depends on your friends sense of humour and your dynamic, only you know if she was being jokey or passive aggressive

Original poster
Checkered1 · 09/02/2022 10:43

@Displayname

When you say you don’t ever forget to pay for anything, ever…

🧐🤣

Well, 99% of the time!

I went out to dinner with a friend right before the pandemic hit and he paid my share, which was £70, and I told him I’ll pay next time. It’s been two years and I’m conscious I still owe him a dinner! I’m usually very good!

OP posts:
KeepYaHeadUp · 09/02/2022 10:43

I don't think you're a CF, OP. You'd have been a CF if you'd ducked and dived to avoid paying rather than forgetting.

I'm embarrassed for her TBH - the fact it's been hanging over her all this time and rather than ask you about it outright she's waited until your wedding to leave a passive aggressive message in your card?! That does take some front.

KeepYaHeadUp · 09/02/2022 10:45

@TerryChoc

Don’t think it’s CF to bring it up but I certainly think she could have mentioned this another time if it was bothering her. Now one of your significant memories of your big day is this “gift”. Not nice at all and would consider her a CF if it was me.
Agree with this.

She's really mean - she's not just "taken back" the £120, she's also taken back something of your wedding by creating this drama (if you can call it that) and ill feeling

Whitney168 · 09/02/2022 10:46

Very weird behaviour to fester on it this long - when you have a friend who is known to be a 'good payer' why on earth not just say 'oi, you've not paid me for those tickets yet ...'.

What a lot of wasted angst, and very unnecessary to choose to sort it out via your wedding present.

unname · 09/02/2022 10:46

It seems like she wanted you to feel bad.
Is she normally unable to face things? It’s bizarre she never mentioned it.

KeepYaHeadUp · 09/02/2022 10:47

@Frauhubert

She has some balls, i am impressed (with her). On a side note- how does one forget to pay back £120? It’s quite a lot of money.
OP has clearly stated a number of times she has no idea how the money wasn't ever paid back...
donquixotedelamancha · 09/02/2022 10:47

Unless this woman is a nutter then it's a joke.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 09/02/2022 10:47

:wince:

I would wish she had said something direct at the time. I would hate it that she has potentially been stewing or even just remembering all this time and chose my wedding to sort it out.

Not CF-ery, but uncomfortable.

Pugdogmom · 09/02/2022 10:47

I genuinely would laugh about the fact that she waited 8 years to remind you. I would probably have a jokey conversation with her along the lines of " for foxsake L, you could have said something to remind me during the 8 years," and then hopefully she would laugh about it as well. Then move on and go for a drink.

KeepYaHeadUp · 09/02/2022 10:47

@Juniper68

So have you paid her back now?
Presumably OP doesn't need to as it's her wedding present...
VickyEadieofThigh · 09/02/2022 10:48

I went out to dinner with a friend right before the pandemic hit and he paid my share, which was £70, and I told him I’ll pay next time. It’s been two years and I’m conscious I still owe him a dinner! I’m usually very good!

Yeah...clearly, you're not.

Failing to pay back sums of that kind isn't "forgetful", it's grossly inconsiderate.

rookiemere · 09/02/2022 10:50

We have a friend who is notorious for taking a long time to pay money back. She always does in the end and don't think she appreciates how irritating it is to front up for something and then have to wait ages to be repaid. I just remind her multiple times though.

What your friend has done is weird.

maddening · 09/02/2022 10:50

I think it is the feeling that she has been harbouring a resentment rather than just asking for it, as you say you have been to other events, owee each other money since then etc, so to harbour that resentment and then bring it to the fore at your wedding seems fucking weird.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 09/02/2022 10:50

It's either
A) passive aggressive of the highest order
B) playing the long game

tootiredtospeak · 09/02/2022 10:50

It's way too passive aggressive for me almost hurtful. I would have been disappointed as that could have spoilt your wedding. I would have text and said clearly I am in the wrong here and should have paid you back but it was a genuine mistake and the way you have waited 8 years to get that out or a tad disturbing. Next time please just bring it up straight away and I will try to remember also. Only thing that would change my mind on this would be if you are bad at paying for things and you do this all the time expecting it to be forgotten about.

ellenpartridge · 09/02/2022 10:50

I actually think this is awful behaviour from your friend! Extremely petty. She should have just dealt with it at the time and definitely shouldn't bring this into your wedding. I would be a bit upset to get a message like that in a wedding card. Really quite nasty. Even if for some reason she really felt you did owe her this money after all this time, if you gave her £200 for her wedding she could have just given you £100 for your wedding, mentally deducting most of the ticket price from the 200 she would have otherwise given but without making a fuss!!

lucywho123 · 09/02/2022 10:50

Weird way to settle the debt but as you're both CF's its no wonder you're friends (meant in the kindest possible way :))

babyjellyfish · 09/02/2022 10:51

I think this is weird, OP.

If I were your friend, I would either have asked for the money for the concert tickets within a few months of the concert, or let it go and bought you a wedding present.

FunnyGoingsOn · 09/02/2022 10:52

That's too funny. Maybe you've annoyed her in some other way recently. Did you end up having a hen party or wedding that was expensive fir her?

I'd pay the money back and send an apology. She can then choose to give you a wedding gift or not.

I'd also pay back the £70 to the guy who took you to dinner.

Original poster
Checkered1 · 09/02/2022 10:52

@VickyEadieofThigh

I went out to dinner with a friend right before the pandemic hit and he paid my share, which was £70, and I told him I’ll pay next time. It’s been two years and I’m conscious I still owe him a dinner! I’m usually very good!

Yeah...clearly, you're not.

Failing to pay back sums of that kind isn't "forgetful", it's grossly inconsiderate.

Hmm, really? When you’re friends you pay for dinners and it balances out. So it’s not about being inconsiderate but not having seen him for dinner because of the pandemic and his covid risk taking (in that he avoids anything inside due to his wife being immuno compromised…)
OP posts:
KeepYaHeadUp · 09/02/2022 10:52

The issue with her behaviour for me is that she seems to value the money more than she values your happiness or friendship on your wedding day.

It would also bother me knowing this had been hanging over her and she hadn't mentioned it but was ballsy enough to write this in a card.