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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this cheeky fuckery re wedding gift

545 replies

Checkered1 · 09/02/2022 09:55

I know I am unreasonable re the story as it’s my fault, but wondering if it’s CF behaviour! Lighthearted.

NC in case my dear friend is on here! If you are L, hello!!

Around 8 years ago, a friend and I went to one of those 90s band reunion concerts. The ticket was around £120 each and for some reason I never paid her back. I assume I completely forgot but I never paid her. I’m honestly not one to never pay back, so I really can’t remember what happened. She also never mentioned it herself as if she did, I would have paid.

So 8 years pass and I forget about it and she never mentions it.

I got married two weeks ago. Her wedding card included a note that her wedding gift is those concert tickets that I never paid her for. I checked my bank account (lucky in that the latest I can go back online is 2014!) and indeed I can’t see that I transferred her anything. I honestly cannot remember why I never paid her, it’s unlike me, but looks like I never did.

I text her to apologise for never paying her back, so there’s no issue between us at all, in fact I was more embarrassed that there was this debt hanging over us all this time.

But I’m just wondering if the way she approached it is in the realms of cheeky fuckery, or if it’s actually clever!

OP posts:
Noisyprat · 09/02/2022 11:13

I don't think this is very nice actually. She should have asked you at the time, a small reminder. Has she given you birthday gifts since then, why didn't she make a joke then and say I'm using up the money you owe me for each gift? This sounds like it's been saved for your wedding day to really have a dig. She's clearly been stewing on this, how sad.

Stompythedinosaur · 09/02/2022 11:14

I think you are the CF! I think £120 is a generous gift.

Original poster
Checkered1 · 09/02/2022 11:14

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

Are you sure that she doesn't believe that she did remind you but that you were interpreting things at cross purposes?

i.e. you might have expected/appreciated a direct "Please don't forget you owe me £120 for the concert ticket - could I have the money now?"; but she could have been more subtle and kept dropping hints: "Ooh, that was a great concert back in July, wasn't it? Well worth the money!" - and, to her, that was her clearly 'reminding' you to pay, taking your failure to pick up on her cues and transferring the money as you clearly trying to tough it out and refuse to pay.

Could that have been a possible scenario here?

That is very very possible. I clearly didn’t realise I still owed her so her mentioning the concert may have been her trying to bring it up and it didn’t register with me. We haven’t spoken about the concert in years either.
OP posts:
Heidi451 · 09/02/2022 11:18

That's not very nice of her at all - it's very passive aggressive, and there is nothing "funny" about doing that on your wedding day. However, owing someone £120 is very bad form. It makes no difference that you "forgot".
"Never a borrower or a lender be". Shakespeare had it right.

Aderyn21 · 09/02/2022 11:18

Sometimes people can have a complete brain fade and totally forget something really important. My mum forgot to pick me up from school once! Very weird of her never to remind you though and she clearly knows you aren't tight if you gave her £200 for her wedding.

I'd have to ring her up and ask why she never reminded you? Take it from there - maybe she's been stewing or maybe she miscalculated your sense of humour and thought this would be funny. Depends on her personality really. From my own pov I'd think it 'off' to do this at my wedding but the only way to know is to ask her. And then update us of course!

WimpoleHat · 09/02/2022 11:18

Oh, this is horrid, I think! You owed her money, fair enough. But why on earth didn’t she just mention it nicely? At the time, a few months later or whenever mention of the concert came up - “actually, Checkered, you still owe me for that ticket please”. You’d have apologised for the oversight and paid up. But to do it on your wedding day, after such a long time, is awful. It’s crass and petty. In your shoes, I would send her the £120 back with a “I’m so mortified to have forgotten that I owed you money; I so wish that you’d reminded me” message . I would feel a bit differently about her after that.

Thevalley · 09/02/2022 11:19

The fault lies with you
If you don't like your friends response you should have paid 8 years ago.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 09/02/2022 11:20

Passive aggressive and so odd to just stew on it for 8 years and then bring it up on your wedding day!

Also really shitty of her to write it in the card. So many people keep all their wedding cards as mementos and that would have spoiled it for me.

Agree with PP about pay her back, send apologetic text. Ask why it has never been mentioned before.

Tilltheend99 · 09/02/2022 11:21

If you are genuine friends then this is basically an in joke. I’m guessing she didn’t know you forgot and has been expecting you to mention it since 2014.

If on the other hand your friendship is based around mind games and oneupmanship (apparently this is common based on MN threads) then yes this is cheeky.

We had a thing where when we were young and skint we bought a Ann Summers gift voucher for a friend as a wedding gift. Think it was £20 but can’t remember. (We had to pay for a hotel to go to the wedding so this ate into overall cost) Btw, I appreciate now that it was a terrible gift.

Friend never let it go. So on our wedding we got a £10 or £20 in a card that said spend it in Anne Summers. Grin This didn’t bother us as not expecting anything.

Anyhow, found out the other day that said friend had given a wedding card only to our mutual friends whose wedding we’d all been at. They had asked about present just incase as all presents had been unattended on gift table etc and friend apparently said their present had been ‘delayed in the post’ and wound be given at some future date.

JamSandwich0 · 09/02/2022 11:22

Why the hell has she let you away with the £120 for 8 years only to throw it in your face on your wedding day?

I would be scathing if I was you. I would pay her the £120 & probably not bother with her again it just feels like a very unkind thing to do to someone on there wedding day.

We all forget things from time to time but a friend should just say oh you actually still owe me that £120 from back in....

Beanybob · 09/02/2022 11:24

I don't think you're in the wrong for forgetting to pay her back - we're all human and these things happen. How bizarre that she didn't just remind you and instead waited until your wedding day to point it out. Mortifying and embarrassing.
If you're now paying her back she now owes you a wedding present! Tempting to point it out in a cheap card when she reaches a special birthday or anniversary...
I joke of course. But it would be tempting. I'm not saying I'd lose a friendship over this but I don't think I'd feel quite the same about them anymore.

DysmalRadius · 09/02/2022 11:25

I think it depends on the friendship - it sounds like she has thought of it occasionally and then decided it would be funny to remind you of it in this way. If she's a good friend and wouldn't normally be a total cow, then I would take it in good humour, thank her for how much fun it was at the time and tell her that the next concert was on me...!

Hb12 · 09/02/2022 11:32

Of course you should have paid, buy this was a very aggressive (barely even passive) way to approach it. I'm pretty amazed actually! Have you been in touch since?

We had similar on a lesser scale with sister's ex. He asked us to use a business discount to book something for him, dh did and whatsapped him the amount to pay.

Ex then replied "ok, I'll offset this against what you owe me for the item sister gave you 14 months ago and we can call it even."

Said item was something my sister gave us that they didn't need any more, had cost them about £50 the year before. We had offered money, she had declined repeatedly. But he clearly decided he wanted to recoup some costs so didn't want to pay back the £85 he owed us 🙄

Hb12 · 09/02/2022 11:33

Doing this on your wedding is beyond awful though, how tacky. I'd be tempted to tell her that actually your wedding gift to her had been £80, and the other £120 was repayment. Therefore she is still lacking.

Cornettoninja · 09/02/2022 11:34

I don’t think she’s a CF but I do think this would change my view of her.

She’s clearly been stewing over it and not saying anything for years! Why not just remind you?!? I don’t think I could relax around her after something like this, it’d feel like she’s storing up perceived transgressions to pull out randomly without ever giving me the opportunity to put it right. I can’t be doing with people who expect me to be a mind reader, you’re just forever failing ‘tests’ only they know about.

Fairylightsongs · 09/02/2022 11:40

I went out to dinner with a friend right before the pandemic hit and he paid my share, which was £70, and I told him I’ll pay next time. It’s been two years and I’m conscious I still owe him a dinner! I’m usually very good!

You’re clearly not very good op, I mean that politely but you’re not. Being very good is paying your dues, not well except this time and that time.

Message your friend and sort the dinner.

TheCraicDealer · 09/02/2022 11:44

Unless there's a massive backstory where you usually take ages to pay people back, I think it's petty as fuck. If someone, especially a good friend, owed me money I would remind them or bring it up as "credit" next time something was being booked, not sit stewing over it for eight years before putting a message like that in their wedding card. It isn't smart or funny, and it just necessarily taints what's supposed to be a lovely, happy life event.

MonicaGellerBing · 09/02/2022 11:44

I bet this ends up in the Daily Fail

Flickflak · 09/02/2022 11:46

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

AryaStarkWolf · 09/02/2022 11:46

It's so awkward having to ask people for money back, she probably did drop hints that you ignored around the time

Pleaseacceptmyusername · 09/02/2022 11:46

'Humourous' might be 'i considered giving you nothing cos you owe me £120; nah jk, here's your gift but you owe me a night out'. Even that is inappropriate, but maybe passable if said without thinking when card handed over.
This is either some cold, calculated, petty and honestly spiteful shit. Or, she could be really struggling financially and for some reason thought this was an excellent excuse to avoid the stigma of not gifting (given your £200chq).

Chichimcgee · 09/02/2022 11:47

It depends on your friendship, I would have thought it quite funny personally

cookiemonster2468 · 09/02/2022 11:47

She should have requested the money back from you sooner.

It sounds like it's been hanging over her this whole time and she has felt resentful about it to the extent that she brought it up in your wedding card.

That is really unhealthy and strange behaviour on her part. Of course you should have paid the money back, but you forgot, and this is really weird behaviour on her part. She should have simply asked you for it/ reminded you if it was bothering her so much.

It's hard to understand why she has chosen your wedding as a time to bring this up.

HoneyFlowers · 09/02/2022 11:49

It's quite funny! OP we all forget things so don't feel bad. Your friend was in the wrong for not settling this sooner and to choose your wedding gift to bring it up was an inappropriate moment.

Original poster
Checkered1 · 09/02/2022 11:51

Ok, so I transferred £120 and sent a text telling her I feel terrible it had been hanging over us the whole time and I’m sorry she felt she could never raise it before now. I also thanked her again for being part of our wedding day.

I’m not brave enough to ask her why she didn’t raise it before!

OP posts: