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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this cheeky fuckery re wedding gift

545 replies

Checkered1 · 09/02/2022 09:55

I know I am unreasonable re the story as it’s my fault, but wondering if it’s CF behaviour! Lighthearted.

NC in case my dear friend is on here! If you are L, hello!!

Around 8 years ago, a friend and I went to one of those 90s band reunion concerts. The ticket was around £120 each and for some reason I never paid her back. I assume I completely forgot but I never paid her. I’m honestly not one to never pay back, so I really can’t remember what happened. She also never mentioned it herself as if she did, I would have paid.

So 8 years pass and I forget about it and she never mentions it.

I got married two weeks ago. Her wedding card included a note that her wedding gift is those concert tickets that I never paid her for. I checked my bank account (lucky in that the latest I can go back online is 2014!) and indeed I can’t see that I transferred her anything. I honestly cannot remember why I never paid her, it’s unlike me, but looks like I never did.

I text her to apologise for never paying her back, so there’s no issue between us at all, in fact I was more embarrassed that there was this debt hanging over us all this time.

But I’m just wondering if the way she approached it is in the realms of cheeky fuckery, or if it’s actually clever!

OP posts:
Toanewstart23 · 11/02/2022 10:48

If you’re all on the same page other than her

Hshuznw · 11/02/2022 10:49

Your friend is a snake.

That’s exactly what we do amongst ourselves friends group - someone will buy tickets for something and we either transfer or pay for dinner and other stuff. So I completely believe you that it’s possible that’s what happened and she forgot.

And many people here congratulating her on her tactic and calling you the CF - they clearly don’t understand that whilst £120 is a lot for them, it’s not a lot in your circle and can’t see beyond that. Ignore those comments.

Hshuznw · 11/02/2022 10:51

stop this, no one likes it

@HiJenny35 you stop it. You’re assuming everyone is the same as you. In my friendship group that’s exactly what we do. We give the option, and more often than not the person who has paid says pay for dinner. So no, not everyone dislikes it. You’re massively projecting in your little rant there, as are many posters here.

OVienna · 11/02/2022 11:00

Coming back to this thread -

Two things really struck me from the call with the 'friend'

One - she admits she never reminded the OP about the money, never communicated about it like someone with any agency in the friendship. She just sat there quietly stewing hoping that the OP would intuit she was angry. IMO - if you really care about someone, you assume the best not the worst of them and don't set 'tests' for them, like this seems to have been. Why not pick up the phone like a grown up and deal with it? Yes, the OP SHOULD have remembered, people should never make any mistakes ever, right? Cause none of us ever does. Hmm

The lack of agency doesn't square with someone who is prepared to give someone both barrels - a shaming and a ticking off - on their wedding day.

OP doesn't say whether the behaviour is totally out of character and how she behaves with other friends in the group. I think I have some friends who believe that I am 'of the same financial position' as they are and am NOT. The difference between £100 and £300 is nowt to them. However, I am able to speak up for myself on those occasions.

It is inconceivable to me that an adult would choose to settle an 8 year old score in this way and then claim they were disappointed at the person being upset about it.

I'm coming around to the idea she's bonkers.

FootieMama · 11/02/2022 11:39

I don't understand how someone can forget a debt like this. I think you took advantage of her not asking you for the money. Other forgetful people here? I've never in my life forgot a debt . Sometimes didn't pay for a reason or other but never forgotten.

RachaelN · 11/02/2022 12:01

Brilliant. This is the kind of thing I would do with a close friend. Cos I'm a CF 😂 hope you had a wonderful wedding. All is well in the world again, and I would have thought it is something to laugh about together.

TrufflesAndToast · 11/02/2022 12:04

@FootieMama

I don't understand how someone can forget a debt like this. I think you took advantage of her not asking you for the money. Other forgetful people here? I've never in my life forgot a debt . Sometimes didn't pay for a reason or other but never forgotten.
How do you know? If you genuinely forgot, how would you know you had if you didn’t remember or get reminded that you had forgotten? Forgetting means you’re not aware of it. So if you happen to have a friend who prefers to stew on things for years without mentioning it, how do you know there isn’t a debt you aren’t aware of?

No one can say with 100% confidence they have never forgotten something…all they can say is they’re not AWARE of ever having forgotten something. Important difference!

FlippityFlippityFlop · 11/02/2022 12:06

@FootieMama - so not paying for a reason or another is better than forgetting Hmm

@RachaelN - you really think that you would laugh about this together! Making your friend upset and embarrassed on their wedding day Confused It would be a one way joke - that isn't funny at all!

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 11/02/2022 12:09

I think it’s absolutely bonkers that in 8 years of friendship she never brought it up, and then waited till your wedding to do so?! It seems very pointed when it really, she could have just not given a gift (or told OP she couldn’t afford a gift) and it would have been fine?

Oversights happen all the time. Clearly she didn’t struggle without the money or she would have said something or just cut OP off. To do it now seems…weird, to say the least.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 11/02/2022 12:13

How is OP down money?

She's down because she has now paid back the £120 from 8 years ago plus she gave the friend a £200 wedding present whilst the friend gave her and her DH fuck all a passive aggressive wedding card in return.

thewhatsit · 11/02/2022 12:22

@FootieMama

I don't understand how someone can forget a debt like this. I think you took advantage of her not asking you for the money. Other forgetful people here? I've never in my life forgot a debt . Sometimes didn't pay for a reason or other but never forgotten.
I disagree.

When I was younger I had a lot of friendships where I’d pay for takeaway and then the next week my friend would buy an extra round or two at the pub, or I’d pay for our spa day and a while later they’d pay for a meal out. It was only when I was at university and we were all conscious of every penny spent that bills used to be split exactly and you’d be fully aware of person X owing you £32.50 for Y…

The OP has already said that £120 isn’t a particularly large amount for either party. She probably meant to transfer over the money and forgot or there was a vague agreement to pay back via a nice meal out or two - and maybe that happened or it didn’t and it’s too long a go for anyone to know.

PleasantBirthday · 11/02/2022 12:24

Plus, I think the fact that she did transfer the money immediately she became aware of the issue means that it probably was a mortifying oversight rather than a cunning plan to get 120 quid.

Aderyn21 · 11/02/2022 13:07

People who have cunning plans to do their friends out of money, generally don't give them £200 wedding gifts!

BorderlineHappy · 11/02/2022 13:22

How is OP down money?
She's down because she has now paid back the £120 from 8 years ago plus she gave the friend a £200 wedding present whilst the friend gave her and her DH fuck all a passive aggressive wedding card in return.

And op paid for dinner and drinks the day after the concert.

FootieMama · 11/02/2022 13:46

@FlippityFlippityFlop, Depends on the reason for not paying. But that's not my point. Just curious if people really forget debts.

FootieMama · 11/02/2022 14:02

@TrufflesAndToast,
In my 50 years or so no-one ever came to me to remind me of money owned to them. If I own somebody even 50p I will rememberr everytime I see them. (If I have the money with me at the time is another matter and sometimes didn't pay for that reason. A bit weird paying 50 p you got for the parking a month later). Maybe is the away I've been brought up. Asked my husband and he is the same. But I do forget sometimes when people own me money.

FootieMama · 11/02/2022 14:05

But I think your friend is a bit weird OP. Or she doesn't like you much.

rookiemere · 11/02/2022 14:09

@FootieMama it's entirely possible OP never owed her friend money at all and it was paid back through subsequent meals and drinks that the other person has forgotten.

TrufflesAndToast · 11/02/2022 14:11

[quote FootieMama]@TrufflesAndToast,
In my 50 years or so no-one ever came to me to remind me of money owned to them. If I own somebody even 50p I will rememberr everytime I see them. (If I have the money with me at the time is another matter and sometimes didn't pay for that reason. A bit weird paying 50 p you got for the parking a month later). Maybe is the away I've been brought up. Asked my husband and he is the same. But I do forget sometimes when people own me money.[/quote]
Sure, but that’s exactly my point. No one ever came to you. As no one came to the OP, for EIGHT years! You are very confident you have never forgotten something and that may well be the case but you cant possibly know whether it’s just someone has not bothered bringing it up with you.

redambergreengo · 11/02/2022 14:29

Whatever happens now essentially she hasn't gifted you anything for a wedding present. It's obviously played on her mind all these years. I'd distance myself from her if it was me!

LoisWilkersonslastnerve · 11/02/2022 14:30

Yes you should have paid but she's supposed to be a friend and should have asked you for it at the time, I think having a dig at someone on their wedding day is horrible. Clearly you didn't mean to not pay and forgot.

NoneOfYour32Potatoes · 11/02/2022 15:20

[quote rookiemere]@FootieMama it's entirely possible OP never owed her friend money at all and it was paid back through subsequent meals and drinks that the other person has forgotten.[/quote]
Yes, but no matter how many times this point is made it seems to not make much difference.

switswooo · 11/02/2022 15:29

@PleasantBirthday

So she chose one of the biggest days of your life to remind you how you'd been in her debt for the past 8 years?! And then made you feel bad about questioning her behaviour?!

Yeah, of all days your wedding should be sacrosanct, a day for people to celebrate with you regardless of what is going on, not a time to settle old scores.

Yep, she's no friend.

Ditch the witch.

RachaelN · 11/02/2022 21:19

I think maybe I have a different dynamic with my friends. If it was meant to upset OP then obviously that is not ok.

RachaelN · 11/02/2022 21:27

[quote FlippityFlippityFlop]@FootieMama - so not paying for a reason or another is better than forgetting Hmm

@RachaelN - you really think that you would laugh about this together! Making your friend upset and embarrassed on their wedding day Confused It would be a one way joke - that isn't funny at all![/quote]
Perhaps I have a different dynamic with my friends. Also I only read the first post. So apologies about that. I think she has made an error with judgement by just giving the card with that message if they can't have a laugh with each other.

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