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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this cheeky fuckery re wedding gift

545 replies

Checkered1 · 09/02/2022 09:55

I know I am unreasonable re the story as it’s my fault, but wondering if it’s CF behaviour! Lighthearted.

NC in case my dear friend is on here! If you are L, hello!!

Around 8 years ago, a friend and I went to one of those 90s band reunion concerts. The ticket was around £120 each and for some reason I never paid her back. I assume I completely forgot but I never paid her. I’m honestly not one to never pay back, so I really can’t remember what happened. She also never mentioned it herself as if she did, I would have paid.

So 8 years pass and I forget about it and she never mentions it.

I got married two weeks ago. Her wedding card included a note that her wedding gift is those concert tickets that I never paid her for. I checked my bank account (lucky in that the latest I can go back online is 2014!) and indeed I can’t see that I transferred her anything. I honestly cannot remember why I never paid her, it’s unlike me, but looks like I never did.

I text her to apologise for never paying her back, so there’s no issue between us at all, in fact I was more embarrassed that there was this debt hanging over us all this time.

But I’m just wondering if the way she approached it is in the realms of cheeky fuckery, or if it’s actually clever!

OP posts:
TheApexOfMyLife · 10/02/2022 10:17

@5keletor

I think you're the CF here OP as £120 is a lot of money to simply forget. I think she's handled it in a fairly lighthearted way, you seem to have taken it well, and you don't owe her anymore, so it's resolved. I'd laugh and move on, I actually think it's good that she didn't just write the money off, too many people end up at a loss because it's too awkward to ask, or people need continual prompting to pay money back.
I didnt realise that not mentioning a debt so important for you for 8 years but to then talk about it for the time n the day of your friend's wedding is a lighthearted way to do it.....

I don;t know but for me it's massively PA and designed to cause the most upset on the fday the OP was supposed to enjoy herself the most.
Not lighthearted at all.

burnoutbabe · 10/02/2022 10:18

@RockinHorseShit

No, not cheeky fuckery at all, but something that she's clearly stewed on for years & YOU being the CFer yourself haven't even noticed. You might think your friendship is okay after a chat, but as a now known CFer, she won't be trusting you with money again.
but the other lady has over the years done many more shared trips where one or other pays the money up front and then the others trabsfer afters.

So she has trusted her with money loads since this. And had many options to say "oh, i won't send you the £300, i'll knock off that £120 you owe me so we are even" - but no, she sends the £300 she owes and doesn't mention it at all.

Its just so weird.

Alondra · 10/02/2022 11:21

@LillianGish

I'm surprised at most of the responses on here. If anyone is a CF it's you for not repaying your debt - just be grateful you weren't paying interest over 9 years! Her message in your wedding card is really funny - I don't see why you can't ring her up and have a laugh about it. £120 is not an inconsequential sum (even if you thought she could afford it!) - certainly it would seem a generous amount to splash out on a wedding gift. You are all square now - I think she's played a blinder. Also you don't dispute that you owed her the money. I say good for her.
What the fuck are you talking about? Repaying interest on a couple of tickets you forgot to repay and and your friend never remind you about?

Most of us have busy days and aren't perfect - we forget things. If a good friend has forgotten to pay for an outing we send a text or give a short phone call saying "darling a reminder you forgot to pay me for dinner or tickets or whatever" It's what happens between friends, we communicate and talk about issues.

What's not normal is to held on to a grudge 8 years later to make your point when you've received a wedding invitation.

If it was me, I would send the money for the tickets and withdraw the invitation. If she can be this passive agresive to do this on a wedding invitation 8 years later, she's no friend.

Sparkletastic · 10/02/2022 11:26

Initially I thought you were in the wrong OP but as this thread has gone on I rather think your friend comes out of this far worse than you do. I think she can only redeem herself now by belatedly sending you a thoughtful wedding gift.

NEUserNamesNotTakenJeez · 10/02/2022 11:35

Maybe she wasn't sitting seething all this time, maybe it's only just occurred to her now that it's time she would usually buy you a decent gift and decided to play it this way... Which btw, I think is light hearted fun on her behalf 🤣 if she was overly bothered about the money, I doubt yous would still be friends now and still had made plans afterwards etc. Definitely think it's something to joke about together, then maybe you can read from her reaction if it was anything more than just a cheeky but friendly retaliation 🤣

longwayoff · 10/02/2022 11:39

Any CFery is on your part. 8 years! Shame on you.

Tardigrade001 · 10/02/2022 12:51

'She said she didn’t know how as it had been a long time and didn’t want to seem petty...'

She could win some kind of irony award for this!
A wedding is a special time. A ritual. Holy matrimony, etc. Not the time and place to settle petty grudges, and especially not with the bride. I would refund the amount and keep the moral high ground.

FlippityFlippityFlop · 10/02/2022 13:15

To all the people saying that this was a light-hearted fun way to address it NO IT'S NOT it was mean and vindictive. If someone in my friend circle told me they had done this I would be looking at them in a completely different light and would be distancing myself from them. It's one thing to bring up a debt (that was most likely repaid in kind anyway. How come its acceptable for the friend to have forgotten about dinner!) but completely out of order to do so on someone's wedding day

AllOfUsAreDead · 10/02/2022 13:16

@litlealligator

It's super rude if she's never actually asked you for the money.
This and she is highly petty too. Does she not have a mouth and cannot form words into sentences? Surely she can write as she can make a card so she could have texted you to remind you?

She's been upset for years about it and decides to remind you on your wedding day to upset you. If there's a definition of bitch, there it is.

TrufflesAndToast · 10/02/2022 13:18

And apparently plenty of the same kind of vindictive bitches on this thread sadly.

TonkinLenkicks · 10/02/2022 13:26

It's obviously been chewing her up for 8 years. Instead of just telling you you didn't pay her she's done this. Things happen, people forget, can't understand why she wouldn't have just said something instead of a passive aggressive note Hmm

CLEMENTINE18 · 10/02/2022 14:40

I would definitely transfer her the money

AdobeWanKenobi · 10/02/2022 15:05

@CLEMENTINE18

I would definitely transfer her the money
And I would definitely read the thread.....
LillianGish · 10/02/2022 15:18

@TrufflesAndToast

And apparently plenty of the same kind of vindictive bitches on this thread sadly.
The OP states its meant to be a lighthearted thread. I gave her a £200 cheque when she got married and her gift to me is essentially £120 already given, if that makes sense I would actually be tempted to reply by reminding her of this fact and that by your calculation she therefore owes you £80.
sanbeiji · 10/02/2022 15:24

OP your friend is an idiot. Forget it.
Anybody who can’t even open their mouth and ASK another adult for money owed shouldn’t be allowed out on their own.

Even I forget (and I normally pay ASAP). But pay immediately. I’ve reminded others and been paid to.

Do you really want to be friends with a child

sanbeiji · 10/02/2022 15:24

Also I never understand why people can’t be honest with their friends. What are they there for then

MimiDaisy11 · 10/02/2022 15:46

I don’t get the comments about it being a joke. The response from her shows she didn’t mean it that way, but in general I guess I must have a different sense of humour to others that would find someone doing this to them funny.

RainbowBridge21 · 10/02/2022 15:49

I've read all your posts and while I think you were a nob for not paying her in the first place, I think she should take some responsibility for not reminding you. She's a big girl and you said you were close friends so don't see why she didn't ask you for 8 whole years. Also think she was a bit dicky to be so passive aggressive around your wedding. It's obviously been bothering her so why she would take it out on you at your wedding after 8 years I can't understand. Its a shit think to do. And tbh if someone owed me £120 and it got to 8 years I would have probably written it off.

HaveringWavering · 10/02/2022 15:58

@CLEMENTINE18

I would definitely transfer her the money
and cancel the cheque? Hmm
Cornettoninja · 10/02/2022 16:01

I think she actually owes you money now (going by her standards). You paid for a whole dinner but returned the full amount she specified in her card. Plus an actual wedding card or gift not dripping in snidery would be appropriate.

That’s entering the realms of ridiculousness obviously and I don’t think you’d make an issue of it but it just highlights what a donkey she was not to just open her mouth and use her words.

TrufflesAndToast · 10/02/2022 16:17

Aside from the general shittiness of what she did, I also hate when people bring up something from years ago because you are never going to be able to defend yourself properly due to memory loss over time passed. The OP may well have paid for other stuff to cancel out the tickets - this is clearly the kind of thing they do in this friendship group - but because it was nearly a decade ago, the ‘friend’ is able to say what she wants and the OP can’t know for sure if she actually did wrong or not. She’s very quick to believe her friend but the friend is obviously a nasty piece of work so I would have serious doubts about her version of events anyway!

You either have to bring these things up within a reasonable timeframe or leave them be for good. Accusing someone of something they apparently did years ago and of course have no way of properly recalling is awful. It’s very manipulative and a sort of gaslighting in my book because it removes the accused person’s ability to be firm about their version of events.

CornforthWhite · 10/02/2022 16:28

The way she handled it is really shitty. In honesty I think she must know you won’t stay friends after this. Well done for taking the moral high ground and paying her back.
She isn’t a nice person OP. Normal people would have reminded you in a normal time frame, regardless of your CF in forgetting. You are not the issue here.

Vimto1991 · 10/02/2022 16:36

She had 8 years to remind you, and not for a wedding present. I think YANBU, things like this can slip through the cracks. 🤷‍♀️

Jux · 10/02/2022 17:02

I think you draw a line under it now. You're in danger of spoiling a long term friendship forever. Stop dwelling on it - you've said the amount owed (either way) is not worth as much to you as it might be to some (me included), so is it worth losing her as a friend, breaking up the group, and all in the build up toyour wedding.

You've better things to worry about. Make the effort, leave the thread and put this whole business out of your mind.

HaveringWavering · 10/02/2022 17:19

@Jux

I think you draw a line under it now. You're in danger of spoiling a long term friendship forever. Stop dwelling on it - you've said the amount owed (either way) is not worth as much to you as it might be to some (me included), so is it worth losing her as a friend, breaking up the group, and all in the build up toyour wedding.

You've better things to worry about. Make the effort, leave the thread and put this whole business out of your mind.

Yeah I think I’d draw the line under it by drawing a line under the friendship full stop. It’s shorty behaviour and the fact that she has told you she was silently seething all this time means there could be any number of other unspoken resentments there.