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Original poster

Is this cheeky fuckery re wedding gift

545 replies

Checkered1 · 09/02/2022 09:55

I know I am unreasonable re the story as it’s my fault, but wondering if it’s CF behaviour! Lighthearted.

NC in case my dear friend is on here! If you are L, hello!!

Around 8 years ago, a friend and I went to one of those 90s band reunion concerts. The ticket was around £120 each and for some reason I never paid her back. I assume I completely forgot but I never paid her. I’m honestly not one to never pay back, so I really can’t remember what happened. She also never mentioned it herself as if she did, I would have paid.

So 8 years pass and I forget about it and she never mentions it.

I got married two weeks ago. Her wedding card included a note that her wedding gift is those concert tickets that I never paid her for. I checked my bank account (lucky in that the latest I can go back online is 2014!) and indeed I can’t see that I transferred her anything. I honestly cannot remember why I never paid her, it’s unlike me, but looks like I never did.

I text her to apologise for never paying her back, so there’s no issue between us at all, in fact I was more embarrassed that there was this debt hanging over us all this time.

But I’m just wondering if the way she approached it is in the realms of cheeky fuckery, or if it’s actually clever!

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 10/02/2022 22:07

She is a strange sort of friend to not let you know the undercurrents that she’s Been sitting on for 8 years. What else is she hiding, and more to the point what do you talk about?
Could understand it for advice acquaintance but not a friend.

Anabella23 · 10/02/2022 22:43

well it may have a specific meaning, but it just sounds horrible to me awful mockery of the english language

watchingrnfire · 10/02/2022 23:10

So did she return the £120 back to you seen as that's supposed to be your wedding gift, she says she's disappointed you felt the need to transfer money, then she should send the money back to you. If she doesn't it means she feels that her money owed and in essence has got you nothing for your wedding.

OVienna · 10/02/2022 23:11

@Aprilx

I think it is something, vindictive maybe? Certainly not very nice but it isn’t CF. That was you back then. But this was not the time to bring it up.
Def vindictive
HaveringWavering · 10/02/2022 23:32

@Anabella23

well it may have a specific meaning, but it just sounds horrible to me awful mockery of the english language
In what way is swearing a “mockery” of the English language?

I’d argue that to take a classic Anglo-Saxon verb like “fuck” and turn it into the evocative noun “fuckery” is pretty clever use of language, and that it strikes just the right note of lightheartedness combined with genuine shock/outrage that OP was going for.

You might find MN a bit challenging if you disapprove of swearing.

OVienna · 10/02/2022 23:33

@Cornettoninja

I don’t think she’s a CF but I do think this would change my view of her.

She’s clearly been stewing over it and not saying anything for years! Why not just remind you?!? I don’t think I could relax around her after something like this, it’d feel like she’s storing up perceived transgressions to pull out randomly without ever giving me the opportunity to put it right. I can’t be doing with people who expect me to be a mind reader, you’re just forever failing ‘tests’ only they know about.

This too, totally!
ScruffGin · 11/02/2022 02:31

It's very weird of her, I booked for four of us to go to a spa last year, and one friend didn't pay me back, I mentioned it the next time i saw them, they were horrified and paid straight away. That's the normal way of dealing with this, not via a wedding card years later!

Juniper68 · 11/02/2022 05:18

@donquixotedelamancha

i dont like your language. thats enough NOT to give a wedding gift, and some people just never forget!

I'm assuming it's the OP's use of correct punctuation you dislike?

Grin
RedRobin100 · 11/02/2022 05:56

I know I’m late to the game, but I’m with you on this one OP

God that’s very passive agressive, petty and entirely unnecessary in a wedding card - EIGHT YEARS later
Why didn’t she just say something to you a long time ago, if she’s been sitting stewing for EIGHT YEARS

I think it’s really inappropriate of her and pretty dickish to be honest - and zero to do with your husband or your wedding.

Of course you should have paid her back, but I assume it was just an honest mistake.. I’m often forgetful that way.

Quincythequince · 11/02/2022 06:06

OP you clearly do not pay for everything, this is an example of that. You had completely forgotten. How many other things have you completely forgotten? You obviously wouldn’t know.

She’s PA for sure, and it’s a bit tasteless but all in all, even Stevens I think (and you ended up with a generous gift too!)

toddybell · 11/02/2022 06:28

She said she didn’t know how as it had been a long time and didn’t want to seem petty,

So she chose one of the biggest days of your life to remind you how you'd been in her debt for the past 8 years?! And then made you feel bad about questioning her behaviour?!

Yup, she's petty, passive aggressive AND a gaslighting twit.

BorderlineHappy · 11/02/2022 07:37

She’s PA for sure, and it’s a bit tasteless but all in all, even Stevens I think (and you ended up with a generous gift too!)

Please explain how the op ended up with a generous gift too
@toddybell

Because where I'm standing,she's down money.

toddybell · 11/02/2022 08:30

@BorderlineHappy

She’s PA for sure, and it’s a bit tasteless but all in all, even Stevens I think (and you ended up with a generous gift too!)

Please explain how the op ended up with a generous gift too
@toddybell

Because where I'm standing,she's down money.

Tickets cost £120/£140 or whatever. Friend had plenty of opportunity as the OP indicated to ask for it back if she'd forgotten (people forget ffs, it's okay). She didn't. When friend got married, OP gifted her £200. On OPs wedding, the friend chose this opportunity to shame her. That's shit. The fact that Op raised this with her and the friend replied as she did shows she knows she's in the wrong but instead of acknowledging that is making the OP feel responsible.

Quincythequince · 11/02/2022 08:48

@BorderlineHappy

She’s PA for sure, and it’s a bit tasteless but all in all, even Stevens I think (and you ended up with a generous gift too!)

Please explain how the op ended up with a generous gift too
@toddybell

Because where I'm standing,she's down money.

How is she down money?

The friend just didn’t get her a gift and said ‘keep the ticket money’

In today’s money that’s circa £140.

How is OP down money?

Quincythequince · 11/02/2022 08:52

What’s the OPs gift price to the friend for to do with the price of fish?

The two things are separate issues.

OP could have spent £500 on a gift, she still didn’t pay back the £120 from 8 years ago.

We have no idea if the friend would have spent £50 on a gift has she not been owes money/

Would it have been better if friend asked for money back, and then bought a gift?

If so, bet she would have spent less than £120 (£140 in todays money) - but who knows.

Friend is PA, but I don’t think it’s that big of a deal.

UnsuitableHat · 11/02/2022 09:01

‘Would it have been better if friend had asked for money back then bought a gift?’ Yes, obviously.

CantStartaFireWithoutaSpark · 11/02/2022 09:14

Ultimate CF on her behalf.
If it’s bothered her, bring it up.
It’s a very very shit way of holding you accountable.

Said friend isn’t much of a friend. She has had 8 years to ask you for it, it’s out of order bringing it up in your wedding card. What a dickhead.

Wilburisagirl · 11/02/2022 09:21

@toddybell

She said she didn’t know how as it had been a long time and didn’t want to seem petty,

So she chose one of the biggest days of your life to remind you how you'd been in her debt for the past 8 years?! And then made you feel bad about questioning her behaviour?!

Yup, she's petty, passive aggressive AND a gaslighting twit.

Exactly that. She had 8 years to ask for it back. Doing it that way in your wedding card is really nasty and would make me question the friendship.
toddybell · 11/02/2022 09:23

I'm not talking about the OP being money down- no one owes anyone anything even if it's their wedding. The OPs friend, based on what Op has said, is a CF because she didn't have the guts to ask for the money for the tickets back for 8 looooong years but chose the wedding to be so petty and trivial.

PleasantBirthday · 11/02/2022 09:30

So she chose one of the biggest days of your life to remind you how you'd been in her debt for the past 8 years?! And then made you feel bad about questioning her behaviour?!

Yeah, of all days your wedding should be sacrosanct, a day for people to celebrate with you regardless of what is going on, not a time to settle old scores.

Aderyn21 · 11/02/2022 09:57

Anyone who could write that message in a wedding card, is no shrinking violet. Initially I thought it might have been an attempt at humour but from your update it seems not. She did it to make a point and at a really inappropriate time.

I think she's conveniently forgotten that the OP gave her a £200 cheque for her wedding, so the OP clearly isn't a CF with money or lacking in generosity. If the 'friend' felt that strongly that she was 'owed', surely she would decide to view that £200 as being repayment plus an £80 gift?

When it comes to who owes who money, the OP is at least £80 down, possibly more if she did pay for dinner/drinks that night.

This friendship would be soured for me and I'd be inclined to withdraw from one to one contact and just see her as part of the group if there's no avoiding it.

LottyD32 · 11/02/2022 10:02

I think what she did isn't on. I'd transfer her £120 and then drop her.

indiesearcher · 11/02/2022 10:23

OP I'm completely with you.

I think in life there are vastly different approaches to things like this. Some are much more free with money/owing/transferring, while for others it's worked out to the penny or simply not done at all.

I can easily see how you owed or not, or forgot or not. That's completely not the point.

Your supposedly good friend, is not a good friend. I couldn't forgive.

HiJenny35 · 11/02/2022 10:44

One of our friends does this, we all hate it! "oh I'll pay for my ticket by getting your meal" nope, pay for your ticket and split the bill, its always the one who has the most expensive stuff that "doesn't mind" because they are a good friend and why be petty... Because we are all subsiding your nights out! Apparently "none" of us mind but honestly we all do we just don't want to break the friendship group by having to say something. You've already said I paid for the meal, the meal cost £138 of which half would be your food so £69 max was her food but the ticket was £120. You've said you might have paid for the next meal too, stop this, no one likes it, just direct debit immediately when you agree that you want tickets it takes 2 minutes, you keep saying no one minds, your friend clearly did FOR 8 YEARS and you didn't notice.

Toanewstart23 · 11/02/2022 10:48

@HiJenny35

One of our friends does this, we all hate it! "oh I'll pay for my ticket by getting your meal" nope, pay for your ticket and split the bill, its always the one who has the most expensive stuff that "doesn't mind" because they are a good friend and why be petty... Because we are all subsiding your nights out! Apparently "none" of us mind but honestly we all do we just don't want to break the friendship group by having to say something. You've already said I paid for the meal, the meal cost £138 of which half would be your food so £69 max was her food but the ticket was £120. You've said you might have paid for the next meal too, stop this, no one likes it, just direct debit immediately when you agree that you want tickets it takes 2 minutes, you keep saying no one minds, your friend clearly did FOR 8 YEARS and you didn't notice.
Why would it “break the friendship group”?
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