To think some people just aren't cut out to parent special needs children

[Troubleinpergatory]

I feel this way at the moment.

Is it a universal thing among parents of children with significant needs / extreme challenging behaviour or do you think that some people just aren't cut out for the job?

I've never felt that I wasn't good enough for my NT children, just completely unable to meet the needs of my special needs one

I don't have special needs children, and whilst I would hate to say (or agree) that some people are not cut out for looking after them, I have to admit, I couldn't cope. No way could I do it.

Sorry you are struggling

Op I'm sorry you are struggling. But you sound a lovely mum.
Can you get support? I think SN parents should be given far more support and respite than they get.

Some parents make parenting look easy, others are a riot, but the vast majority are winging it and hoping for the best.

Most of us DO cope though. It just doesn't feel like what he want coping to look like.

I've had so many different hells to visit over the years, parenting two SEND kids with the same conditions but different presentations.

Specially an extra hell during the years before anyone actually accepts there's an issue and gatekeeps the assessments til after you've all developed PTSD trying to fit yourselves into the NT world not made for us.

You sound burnt out. Or in the throes of compassion fatigue. It happens. And things will change. Keep talking to people, be honest about how you feel, about how things are.

You will be scaffolding your child in a myriad of ways that you're not even aware of doing because you're responding to those particular needs without even realising it.

It's okay to say you're finding it difficult though, do you have any RL support such as SN parenting groups, carers groups, or friends in similar situations? Could you apply for a carers assessment to see if there is any support available? Is there anything specific you're struggling with that we here could help with?

The first thing I had to do was stop comparing my parenting (or myself or kids ) to everyone else, stop thinking about what they or I 'should' be doing and just look at the reality. What are my strengths and what are my struggles? What are their strengths and what are their struggles? How can we make our lives safer, happier and more fulfilled?
The battle comes from constantly having to remind yourself (and everyone else) that your life wins with neurodiverse or special needs kids is not likely to look the same.
There is a freedom from dealing with what is, but also sometimes what is is hard work. Sometimes you need some help or a moan. And that is ok, because it's hard work. The kind of hidden hard work, which will mostly go unacknowledged and will never make it onto a Cv (just probably gaps to explain instead). The kind of 365/24hour job that nobody does 'well' all of the time. Because it's relentless and takes every part of you. Some days surviving is the best you can do. I am sure you are doing better than you think

I think some people think they couldn't but if their child had additional needs would do it.

Some people know they can't and put their children up for adoption.

Some people think they can't but they're doing it every day and instead of foaling their child, the system is failing them / they're fighting but haven't found the answer yet.

I bet you're the latter op.

What needs ant you meet? What are you struggling with?

I have to admit, I couldn't cope. No way could I do it.

I know people mean well when they say this and that it's supposed to sound encouraging like "wow, you're doing this super special thing that us ordinary humans couldn't cope with doing" but really it's not helpful. You would cope and you would do it because there is no option not to, no matter how difficult it is, you have to get through each day.

Parents of disabled children aren't superhuman, we're just human. Implying that what we do is somehow extraordinary sets us apart, it suggests we're somehow different, separate to the norm and that isolates us even further.

@HelloFrostyMorning

I don't have special needs children, and whilst I would hate to say (or agree) that some people are not cut out for looking after them, I have to admit, I couldn't cope. No way could I do it.

Sorry you are struggling

People say that but in reality very few give their child up for adoption or neglect them. Of course you might know absolutely that any additional need and you'd give them up / totally ignore it and be in denial and not do anything extra. But most of us don't see that we have a choice but cope.

Thank you for the kind words, it's a minefield isn't it?

I hate to admit this but I'm massively lacking the patience he needs these last few months.

I have CPTSD and PMDD and just lately when he's been attacking me or smashing things I find myself completely overwhelmed and end up shouting/crying myself which obviously doesn't help.

His aggression triggers the CPTSD which results in me breaking down and I've been telling DH I just can't do it anymore quite alot recently.

I've been trying to work on my mental health but violence/destruction of property in the home by DS seems to take me back to the darker times in my life (not at the hands of DH, he wouldn't hurt a fly) even though logically I know he doesn't mean me any harm it doesn't feel that way in the moment.

Just lately every time he gets in from school he makes a bee line for me and hits/shoves me. The minute he comes in the door. He's trying to communicate his stresses in the day but isn't able to articulate himself so these behaviours are all he knows.

@Hospedia

I have to admit, I couldn't cope. No way could I do it.

I know people mean well when they say this and that it's supposed to sound encouraging like "wow, you're doing this super special thing that us ordinary humans couldn't cope with doing" but really it's not helpful. You would cope and you would do it because there is no option not to, no matter how difficult it is, you have to get through each day.

Parents of disabled children aren't superhuman, we're just human. Implying that what we do is somehow extraordinary sets us apart, it suggests we're somehow different, separate to the norm and that isolates us even further.

Agree 100%. Because the unwritten subtext to "Wow, you're amazing" is that you don't need help and support. Even when parents really do need it and it would make a huge difference.

@Troubleinpergatory we cope because we have to, you will too, it’s not easy, try to think what can improve your family life rather than picture perfect, quite often the people that say ‘you’re amazing, I couldn’t do it’ hold us to incredibly high standards, feel free to put those in the bin, where they belong, your child makes a v line for you, cos you are their safe person, and that’s a good thing.

It's so hard. Especially when you are being hurt. I have a violent school refuser and there's no practical help. You have my utmost sympathy.

I think realistically some parents simply won't be but it's not really possible to know until you're in that situation

I don't think PP is being disparaging or implying you are superhuman. I don't think I could cope either. The way my life is set out, my job, the things I want to do both with and without my kids - perhaps I am too selfish - but I honestly don't know how I would cope with a situation like that. Having kids sends your life spiralling but when your entire life revolves around a child with additional needs - I don't think I could deal with this without having MH issues myself. I know you have too - but some people can cope with that better than others

And there must be plenty of cases where a child with SN isn't having their needs met because the family can't cope but things aren't bad enough for intervention.

I think we should listen to OP when she says she can't cope. I believe her. This assumption that parents can and will rise to meet any challenge for their children is toxic.
It's the same messed up logic that causes new mothers with PND to struggle past breaking point (self harm is the leading cause of death in new mothers, just for the record)

OP, have you looked into respite care? Also, talk to your GP. About your needs. Which are just as important (arguably more, since you also have to care for your other kids) as your child's needs.

I think I probably would 'cope' to some degree but I know myself well enough to know that I am really not cut out for parenting a child with additional needs.

Maybe when I was younger but not now.

I have become more selfish as I aged, given more priority to my own needs.
I think I know myself better and have a good understanding of my strengths and limitations.

I don't think it's a bad thing to admit.

And yes I do admire those parents I know who protect and care and fight daily for their children but they shouldn't have to struggle in the way they do.

They should be able to access all the support, finding, education etc etc they need.
They shouldn't have to be on their knees before they get any support or have to challenge professionals and take legal action to get their child an education setting that can meet their needs.

Families should not be left in poverty because they struggle to work or don't get the benefits they need and deserve.

Maybe that's partly why I'm so sure I wouldn't cope, because I've seen close-up what those battles are.

people who say " I couldn't cope" make it sound like its a choice.

Hi OP, I'm sorry you are feeling like this and I understand. I have a SEN DC who also likes to offload stress straight onto others. She is 9 now though and less physical (we used to get a lot of hitting and kicking and even spitting, destruction of our things etc).

So after school, that's the shaken Coke bottle thing. Can you take them to run round the park (even if it's dark) just to take the edge off? Forget homework if relevant. DD also regulates with screens. Any screen will do. The other thing that works for me (and it depends on their age and safety of course) is to get a locked door between me and DD when she is really going for me. I count slowly to 10, trying to think positive thoughts about her and when I come out she's often forgotten what she's upset about.

The books The Explosive Child and 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child have good tips.

Our local Facebook page for parents of DC with her diagnosis has been a lifesaver. I found it via the website of one of the autism charities.

It's not personal, he or she just isn't able to deal with their emotions and you are nearest.she

Op I've just read your second post. That's awful, really awful, nobody should be putting up with that.

I remember watching a supernanny type program but with 15 year old twin boys who were awful, towered over their tiny powerless mum.

The psychologist realised a lot of the behaviour was frustration driven so gave them ways to get rid of the frustration, a punch ball, and chalkboard in the garage.

Do you think that would help if they could take the frustration out on a punch bag rather than the house?

But sorry if the suggestion is patronising or too simplistic but I hope you are able to get professional help for your child and you. Best wishes

@Samcro

people who say " I couldn't cope" make it sound like its a choice.

I don't think it's meant like that, I certainly don't mean that. I contradicted myself in my post because I actually said I would cope but then at the end I wouldn't.

I guess I meant I would cope but I don't feel I would cope well. I don't know, everything sounds clumsy and insensitive.

Maybe it's because it's more than parenting a child with additional needs. It's having to do all the other stuff that shouldn't be making your life even harder than it is. Maybe that's what makes it feel even more relentless.

Parenting is never easy with any child but if the right funding and support was there it wouldn't be so hard. Does that make sense?

I hear you. It’s so difficult to be the one on the receiving end of that. My 7yo can be like that and it triggers me too. Sometimes I do shout. But I’m doing my best. His therapist says that DS just doesn’t consider me to be a separate individual person with feelings independent of his own. Which is hard but makes sense.

I don’t think it’s specifically you who is not cut out for this. I don’t think any of us are. Ultimately it’s not what we signed up for as parents, wasn’t in any of the ‘promotional literature’ of happy families. It’s ok to find it hard.

@Junction5aOnTheM4

Most of us DO cope though. It just doesn't feel like what he want coping to look like.

I've had so many different hells to visit over the years, parenting two SEND kids with the same conditions but different presentations.

Specially an extra hell during the years before anyone actually accepts there's an issue and gatekeeps the assessments til after you've all developed PTSD trying to fit yourselves into the NT world not made for us.

You sound burnt out. Or in the throes of compassion fatigue. It happens. And things will change. Keep talking to people, be honest about how you feel, about how things are.

This.

Nearly 30 years ago I had an actual paediatric consultant tell me: 'God only gives special children to special parents'! I'm hoping no one would say that these days.

Those posters saying they just would not cope. What do you think you would do then? Would you really place your child in care/give them up for adoption? Because those are the only alternatives to not coping.

The majority of us just muddle through and do the best we can.

I have a child with special needs and the help isn't there. My child's school made a referral for a social worker as most child with additional needs have one. I have not heard anything from them the referral was last March. I spoke to my sons doctor and was put on a waiting list for a parenting course. Done the courses and I was doing the stuff they recommended anyway. Like stopping a breakdown before it happens.
My son will be 10 next month and all I can think is what will happen when he's 16 and still hitting me and doing the bad stuff he does now. I feel like I need to be more strict and maybe make him scared of me but then would it be child abuse. I need help

Sal