Page 9 | To think some people just aren't cut out to parent special needs children

caringcarer · 15/02/2022 10:25

I had an ADHD child who drove mad growing up as he cut things. Usually new things, his sister's things, my things, things in the house are particularly his bed sheets. I used to have to buy him a new bed sheet most weeks. I took him to constant and went through a long list of things he had cut that month. The consultant just sat there and said nothing. I waited and then he said the patient with ADHD I saw earlier this morning cuts himself. I think that made me realise bed sheets could be replaced easily. After that each time I was getting frustrated I thought at least he does not cut himself. It really made me far more tolerant. I think everyone could parent a child with additional needs but learning patience takes time. Most children with additional needs do require parents to show great patience.

ThomasinaGallico · 15/02/2022 10:25

@AssignedBlobbyAtBirth

I knew mumsnet was for me when I was in a very dark place with dc a few years ago. I found a thread by a SN parent ripping apart the twee 'Welcome to Holland' story. It was such a laugh out loud thread and really spoke to me No we also not special parent The support/diagnosis is crap We are exhausted For me other parents didn't want to touch me with a barge pole so it was lovely. Until I found other SN parents I didn't make a single friend through children Living with violence is scary

I hope you get help op x

If parenting SN children were a country it would not be flat, navigable, civilised, cycle-friendly Holland. It would be climbing Everest or K2 or the north face of the Eiger in the depths of winter, or a desert ultramarathon, or a trek across the Amazon jungle complete with hostile wildlife and attacking guerrilla groups. Heaven help anyone forced to embark on that journey without a sherpa and life support.

TooSpotty · 15/02/2022 10:27

@flapjackfairy I didn't mean in a million years to suggest that foster carers aren't amazing people. I can quite imagine why there are so few specialist foster carers, and I think what you do is incredible. Our point was that we weren't just looking for our child not to be with us - we wanted them to be in residential care because that specific setting was right for them. And then of course it turns out that there are very few foster carers able to take on children like ours, which is entirely unsurprising.

I've been thinking more about people who 'couldn't do it' and genuinely wondering at what point they would find they couldn't. Because I assume many of us on here have found that the challenges grew and emerged, and it's the boiling frog of learning to deal with each new thing as it arises. Crises are actually fairly rare; it's the relentlessness of it that is the hardest thing, but by the time that hits, you know you CAN do it, you're just exhausted by it and the lack of respite.

x2boys · 15/02/2022 10:37

[quote TooSpotty]@flapjackfairy I didn't mean in a million years to suggest that foster carers aren't amazing people. I can quite imagine why there are so few specialist foster carers, and I think what you do is incredible. Our point was that we weren't just looking for our child not to be with us - we wanted them to be in residential care because that specific setting was right for them. And then of course it turns out that there are very few foster carers able to take on children like ours, which is entirely unsurprising.

I've been thinking more about people who 'couldn't do it' and genuinely wondering at what point they would find they couldn't. Because I assume many of us on here have found that the challenges grew and emerged, and it's the boiling frog of learning to deal with each new thing as it arises. Crises are actually fairly rare; it's the relentlessness of it that is the hardest thing, but by the time that hits, you know you CAN do it, you're just exhausted by it and the lack of respite.[/quote]
I think people who say they couldn't do it ,don't really think it through ,sometimes it's a gradual realisation of a child's needs ,most disabilities are a on a spectrum,and there is know way of knowing how your child is going to be affected
I also wonder how those people who say they couldn't do it ,would react if God forbid their own child had an illness or accident that left them with disabilities,I'm guessing most just wouldn't walk away .

flapjackfairy · 15/02/2022 10:40

@ TooSpotty
I wasnt offended at all. I get it . Honestly we are just like other parents and carers muddling along. We didnt expect things to go the way they have regarding challenging behaviour and aggression and i struggle with it so much. As you say it is.the relentlessness of the whole thing that is wearing.
We also have the added pressure of people thinking we are some sort of saints to be doing this which only adds to the guilt much like others telling birth parents that they are amazing etc.
We all.know we love our kids and so we endure for that reason but we are only fallible human beings who have their limits and we cant live up to some kind of idealised image of a superhuman parent.

TooSpotty · 15/02/2022 10:46

@flapjackfairy As I wrote that, I realised I was doing the very same thing that this thread is all about! So I'm sorry. I suppose knowing you've actively chosen to support children with so many challenges does feel like a step beyond, but I'm sure you have many, many days of feeling very lost and wondering why you do it!

Sleepyblueocean · 15/02/2022 11:15

"It is true that there are not many carers around that will take children and young people with aggressive behaviour and complex medical needs and residential is normally the only option available."

People often have reasons for wanting a residential placement. For us we want it as an educational preparing for adulthood placement. The LA won't have this but are happy to provide exactly the same thing as a section 20 placement. Foster care wouldn't give him anymore than he has now.

flapjackfairy · 15/02/2022 11:19

@Doubleraspberry
it's fine. I catch myself doing it to other parents and carers as well.
Mostly I think people say those things because they generally feel helpless and want to try to help.at least in some small way. I personally am not offended as I recognise the trite comments generally come from a good place .
But I am quick to disabuse them of any notions of saintly parenting because firstly it isnt true ( obviously) and secondly it is an added pressure on me.

AlphabetStew · 18/02/2022 23:14

"oh, you’re amazing. I couldn’t do what you do, I just wouldn’t cope”

No I'm not, I'm really not. I can't do it either to be honest, I'm not coping, I need help.
...........................................................................

Today I got another phonecall from the school asking me to collect DS because he was crying. I drove in bawling my own eyes out. I feel so helpless. He needs help and I don't know what to do for him. I've asked for help repeatedly. Everyone keeps sending me somewhere else. Or saying they'll get back to me and not.

I need help. Actual, practical help. Not empty promises, not endless forms, NOT being strung along thinking help is around the corner only to have the bomb dropped on you that the waiting list for the help you thought was coming soon is "currently 18 months, could you go private?" Not really, one place is so full they've closed their waiting list 'until the summer months'. On top of the four-figure cost. Honestly - I was thinking today in the car - I feel like I'm drowning.

flapjackfairy · 19/02/2022 11:33

@AlphabetStew
I am sorry it really is rubbish . I often wish I was a billionaire I would set up a system where support could be accessed quickly and easily because as you say everything is such a battle and takes so long. And when you are at the end of your tether it shouldn't be months or even years to get some practical help.
Do you have any family who can help even if just for a couple of hours? Any local support groups. Sorry clutching at straws I know but even talking to others who get it is at least a small release .

AlphabetStew · 19/02/2022 11:49

@flapjackfairy thank you yes it is cathartic to at least get it out. I've all too often wondered how much different life would be if we had money. Proper money. How much further along he'd be, he could well be out of nappies (maybe) if we had enough money. He might be much further along with his speech. It's a bit too depressing to think about really!

Family live too far away to be much help but it's not nothing, there is a little bit of support there and I've recently joined a few Facebook groups so not totally alone.

x2boys · 19/02/2022 12:08

[quote AlphabetStew]@flapjackfairy thank you yes it is cathartic to at least get it out. I've all too often wondered how much different life would be if we had money. Proper money. How much further along he'd be, he could well be out of nappies (maybe) if we had enough money. He might be much further along with his speech. It's a bit too depressing to think about really!

Family live too far away to be much help but it's not nothing, there is a little bit of support there and I've recently joined a few Facebook groups so not totally alone.[/quote]
Yes it's crap I agree my son is nearly 12 now ,he was diagnosed with autism and learning disabilities when he was three and has been in a special school since reception, school are good and supportive ,but we don't really get any help at home as I said earlier the one thing that really helps me is having a group of friends with children with similar disabilities, they get it , and understand if I want to rant and rave .