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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some people just aren't cut out to parent special needs children

212 replies

Troubleinpergatory · 08/02/2022 23:10

I feel this way at the moment.

Is it a universal thing among parents of children with significant needs / extreme challenging behaviour or do you think that some people just aren't cut out for the job?

I've never felt that I wasn't good enough for my NT children, just completely unable to meet the needs of my special needs one Sad

OP posts:
BlankTimes · 09/02/2022 11:50

Often the v agencies that are supposed to be there to support you create more stress by fighting against you at every turn
I would never have believed some of the stuff we have endured over the years if I hadn't lived it myself

Absolutely! This isn't even the worst we've had.

I was applying for help for DD from an organisation, they asked if they could contact our GP, I agreed. The GP wrote to the organisation and said they had no record of her being disabled.
Yet at that time, she had several neurodiverse diagnoses plus two physical ones that made her wheelchair eligible plus a Blue Badge and indefinite DLA.
You couldn't make it up, could you?

Stapleton143 · 09/02/2022 11:54

It’s completely different to having normal kids. It does get better for some, depends on the needs. There is a loneliness in having special needs children, they can’t make friends and other mums go weird.
If I had my time again I would not have had any children. Stay strong🌺

thecatsthecats · 09/02/2022 12:00

As society has become more complex, caring for a special needs child has become harder, I imagine. I would guess that the balance of improvements to accessibility is far outweighed by advances that exclude more SN people, if that makes sense?

E.g. When there were no planes, there was no need for there to be accessible planes, airports, accessibility management etc abroad. The number of jobs has increased, but lots without accessibility in mind. Plus a lot of educational responsibilities for the parents.

Whereas in the past, a child with special needs might have been simply given a basic role in a trade (notwithstanding that plenty of awful things could/would have happened too).

HumphreyCobblers · 09/02/2022 12:00

In my local hospital's paediatrics department they had that bloody poem about special needs children being sent by god to special parents FRAMED in Reception. When I complained they said 'oh we know but it was a gift from someone who made it specially'.

OP I really hear you. When people tell me how well I am doing like it is some kind of bloody consolation prize, I get so so pissed off. I am not doing well. I fail every day, in some way or another. It is hard and I have no choice but to bear it.

Blossomtoes · 09/02/2022 12:04

I think you’re an absolute hero @Troubleinpergatory, along with every other parent of a SN child. I absolutely couldn’t do it if my life depended on it.

Dillidilly · 09/02/2022 12:07

@Blossomtoes out of interest, have you read the full thread?

x2boys · 09/02/2022 12:09

@Blossomtoes

I think you’re an absolute hero *@Troubleinpergatory*, along with every other parent of a SN child. I absolutely couldn’t do it if my life depended on it.
You have absolutely no idea if you could or not ,please stop coming out with patronising comments like this , special needs parents are not hero,s we are just ordinary people muddling through .
BattenbergdowntheHatches · 09/02/2022 12:10

This reply has been withdrawn

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Dillidilly · 09/02/2022 12:12

@Blossomtoes and all the other posters making similar comments:

What would you do if one of your children were knocked down by a car, and left brain damaged and/or physically disabled?

You would then have a child with additional needs.

SatinHeart · 09/02/2022 12:20

@Stapleton143

It’s completely different to having normal kids. It does get better for some, depends on the needs. There is a loneliness in having special needs children, they can’t make friends and other mums go weird. If I had my time again I would not have had any children. Stay strong🌺
I think this is so true, it's the loneliness that is so crushing. Why do other mums always have to go weird? I wish they wouldn't.

I only have my own limited experience OP but I would imagine what you're feeling is pretty universal amongst SN parents. I'm not sure anyone starts out 'cut out for it' but we learn as we go. But it's ok not to want to have to be an 'absolute hero' Flowers

Dishwashersaurous · 09/02/2022 12:24

Also, those people who say they couldn't cope.

What would you do if your spouse had an accident tomorrow which left them with complex additional needs. Would you leave them or would you crack on?

Now what about your child. Would you suddenly not love and support your child or would you just have to crack on and cope?

BattenbergdowntheHatches · 09/02/2022 12:27

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Original poster
Troubleinpergatory · 09/02/2022 12:28

The loneliness and other mums distancing themselves when you explain your child has special needs.. yep. Nobody at the nursery wanted to know me.

I'm so desperately lonely.

I downloaded peanut in the hope i'd be able to find my tribe so to speak. I had a few chats with other mums who had disabled children which was lovely, but nobody really has the time to meet up (I'm not even sure I do myself) as our children's needs can be so all consuming.

I took DS and DD to the park last week, bloody disastrous. I could just feel the judgement from other people as DS threw himself on the ground screaming for the 3rd or 4th time in the space of around 10 minutes.

DD is neurotypical (atleast we think she is so far) and I feel so guilty for all she misses out on. Playdates etc.

OP posts:
User89174648495 · 09/02/2022 12:29

@HelloFrostyMorning posts like that are really awful to read.

Firstly, you don’t know. You love your SEN children just as much as your NT ones. Secondly,
I found out ours was SEN much further down the line, would you just find this out and call social service and have a much loved child taken into care?

Please don’t write things like ‘I couldn’t do it’ as actually it sends a message that these children aren’t worth loving and aren’t as good as other children and they are. If one of your children suffered a disabling accident tomorrow there’s no way you would just abandon him or her.

Porcupineintherough · 09/02/2022 12:33

@Dishwashersaurous

Also, those people who say they couldn't cope.

What would you do if your spouse had an accident tomorrow which left them with complex additional needs. Would you leave them or would you crack on?

Now what about your child. Would you suddenly not love and support your child or would you just have to crack on and cope?

Severe and permanent injury to a spouse very often leads to divorce. People don't tend to divorce their kids (though one parent often leaves if the strain placed on the relationship is too much) but its just a big myth that people are magically able to cope just because they have to. Many do, some rising to the challenge, some just limping along trying to keep the wheels on. Others can't/don't. Sometimes this is recognised, others it stays hidden.
Dillidilly · 09/02/2022 12:34

@User89174648495
Please don’t write things like ‘I couldn’t do it’ as actually it sends a message that these children aren’t worth loving and aren’t as good as other children and they are.

So well articulated, thank you

2bazookas · 09/02/2022 12:36

@Samcro

people who say " I couldn't cope" make it sound like its a choice.
For some, it was a choice (during pregnancy) and we took it. Every woman has to do what she knows is the right thing for herself and her family.
Dishwashersaurous · 09/02/2022 12:38

I know that it leads to divorce, what iis trying, clearly badly, is that people who baldly say " ì couldn't cope ". Simply don't imagine the situation happening to them.

But actually situations do happen, and happen to all sorts of people. And people have no choice but to Simply deal with them

BattenbergdowntheHatches · 09/02/2022 12:45

This reply has been withdrawn

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MumsMetHer · 09/02/2022 12:51

I used to be a teacher.

I met plenty of young people with SEN/LD (and their parents) who were being failed by society/the system /etc.

I met pretty awful parents who were failing their children.

I can't remember a single parent I met who was significantly worried about failing their children and was actually failing their children. The ones who are bad parents simply aren't worried about it. The ones who are worried about it aren't the bad parents.

There's a significant overlap between those worried parents and the ones not getting the support they need. You really sound like one of those. A good parent, who is yourself being failed by the system. Flowers

Samcro · 09/02/2022 12:52

@Blossomtoes

I think you’re an absolute hero *@Troubleinpergatory*, along with every other parent of a SN child. I absolutely couldn’t do it if my life depended on it.
And this post proves the point. Offensive and othering.
DontLoseYourFightKid · 09/02/2022 12:52

@HelloFrostyMorning

I don't have special needs children, and whilst I would hate to say (or agree) that some people are not cut out for looking after them, I have to admit, I couldn't cope. No way could I do it.

Sorry you are struggling Flowers

This is probably one of the worst things you can say to a parent of special needs children.
Blossomtoes · 09/02/2022 12:54

people who say " I couldn't cope" make it sound like its a choice.

In as far as it’s possible to predict these things, it would have been a choice for me. I wouldn’t have continued with a pregnancy.

Samcro · 09/02/2022 12:56

Wow
Do people theink that all disabilities show up in pregnancy.

Blossomtoes · 09/02/2022 13:00

@Samcro

Wow Do people theink that all disabilities show up in pregnancy.
Of course not. But some do and the people with those pregnancies do have a choice.
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