Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some people just aren't cut out to parent special needs children

212 replies

Troubleinpergatory · 08/02/2022 23:10

I feel this way at the moment.

Is it a universal thing among parents of children with significant needs / extreme challenging behaviour or do you think that some people just aren't cut out for the job?

I've never felt that I wasn't good enough for my NT children, just completely unable to meet the needs of my special needs one Sad

OP posts:
DrCoconut · 09/02/2022 13:01

It's bloody hard work, relentless and for life. I want to strangle the kind of people (not referring to this thread) who say SN parents are in it for benefits/sympathy/reduced work hours. I'm at work so have to cut this short but ThanksWineBrewCake

LonelyWeegie · 09/02/2022 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AssignedBlobbyAtBirth · 09/02/2022 13:10

When in a hole STOP DIGGING

greenlynx · 09/02/2022 13:18

Yes, I don’t think I’m cut out for this. I try really hard but it’s bloody difficult. I’m on the 17th year and there are no end in view because it never ends there is no cure for her disabilities, she actually got an extra diagnosis last year but haven’t lost the existing two. It actually could be much worse, but I suspect that one of the problems is that I’m not cut out for this. Can I replace myself with someone more suitable? Please advice me where to apply.

TheSoapyFrog · 09/02/2022 13:19

I don't know. I wasn't planning on any children and I didn't think I was cut out for parenting at all. Nor did anything else. But here I am with two children with additional needs, one with a high level of complex needs. I can't work because I'm his full time carer and I'm on my own with any little support. I'm not cut out for it, but I'm doing the best I can because i have to. And I want to because they're my sons and I love them.

ImprobablePuffin · 09/02/2022 13:43

OP both my DC have SN. I have no experience of NT children but friends have made it pretty clear they don't envy me.
I've had 3 breakdowns to date. Raising SN babies and children is the hardest thing I've ever done. I NEVER feel cut out for it, especially when some parents form the DC's special school seem to have mastered everything.
I can't work because of DC, my mental health has been in the bin for years even with max dose anti d's. I'd be amazed if I am ever a functioning member of society again to be honest.
What I'm saying is I get you Thanks

andysgirl22 · 09/02/2022 13:52

Can i also add please that you shouldn't feel like you have to cope alone. Because no one should have to in those circumstances. The system is letting you down and your child down by not providing respite, support etc. I think when you are struggling you are focusing on what you feel is a letting your son down but in reality you aren't at all, if you were he would not keep running to you so immediately as his safe person. I don't want to be patronising and say you are doing better than you think but i genuinely think you are. I hope this post doesn't offend anyone and i apologise as i don't think i have articulated what i actually mean very well.

andysgirl22 · 09/02/2022 13:55

@DrCoconut i also want to strangle/slap round the face with a wet nipped those types of idiots. Be my alibi?!?!?! Haha

TooSpotty · 09/02/2022 14:05

I've parented/step-parented five children, four of whom have had SEN. My youngest doesn't, and it's been a revelation to find out what it's like for a child with no additional needs.

NOTHING feels more othering than to be told by other parents that they couldn't do it. Nothing feels more like being excluded. Please, please don't say it.

OP, I'm glad that this thread has at least shown you that you're not alone. There are thousands of us out here, plugging away, one day at a time. We love our children, more than anything, but it's very hard work and there are no awards for any of it.

Pearlescentivy · 09/02/2022 14:37

No you're right, not all people are. I'm not but I have no choice like others have said.

It's very hard sometimes to smile sweetly when you're told how much of a "wonderful job you're doing" or "wow I couldn't do what you do" or my favourite "you're so strong...stay strong". I'm not sodding strong, I just have no sodding choice.

My PIL very occasionally (I'm talking once every couple of years) spend a few hours with our disabled 10 year old. Last time they were very kind to take me aside and point out that they were worried about me as they could see how hard work it must be and that they wanted to help more. They've not seen our daughter for 18 months now. They're full of shit. Rich privileged tw*ts.

Thank you for the opportunity to rant OP, it's shit feeling like a failure of a parent.

BattenbergdowntheHatches · 09/02/2022 14:37

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

ExtraPlinky · 09/02/2022 14:41

It's hard and my daughter is pretty self sufficient but her constant anxiety and meltdowns from being on the spectrum can be very exhausting when I have to work and study.
Her dad is my ex and he's not really around for it all. He sees her every other weekend.

I worked as a support assistant in schools for a while when I was younger. I observed that most of the kids with special needs were being looking after solely by their mothers and very often the man would leave.
I'd be curious to know if this perception is true.

BattenbergdowntheHatches · 09/02/2022 14:46

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Original poster
Troubleinpergatory · 09/02/2022 15:01

I worked as a support assistant in schools for a while when I was younger. I observed that most of the kids with special needs were being looking after solely by their mothers and very often the man would leave. I'd be curious to know if this perception is true

I expect DH will leave me eventually, we've been on the rocks for years and while it's not all as a direct result of DS' significant needs and extreme behaviour, it certainly hasn't helped.

Whilst I don't think people should condemn themselves to staying in a relationship that doesn't make them happy, I would seriously struggle to forgive him if he left us and didn't pick up 50/50 care.

I'm drowning as it is most of the time I would almost certainly have a nervous breakdown.

Sending so much love to you all, thank you for showing me that I'm not alone.

OP posts:
Onionpatch · 09/02/2022 15:03

One thing i have found is other people feel strongly that there us a system of support and if i am not accessing the support the problem is me not the system. There is almost total disbelief that I cant magic up a carer so therefore I must be getting something wrong.

I also think people say 'i couldnt do it' to mean, please dont ask me for help in any shape or form.

Dillidilly · 09/02/2022 15:13

I really wish just one of these posters would come back and say 'You know what, I'm really sorry. I've read all your comments, really thought about what you've all said, and I was wrong.'

BattenbergdowntheHatches · 09/02/2022 15:14

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

SartresSoul · 09/02/2022 15:15

My DC are not SEN but I can definitely say I would struggle to cope if they were and I know people parenting children with SEN are just getting on with it because they have no choice but it is admirable. I think I’d crack at the seams.

User89174648495 · 09/02/2022 15:16

@Dillidilly me toooooo. Wouldn’t that be so refreshing.

Dillidilly · 09/02/2022 15:18

@SartresSoul we are not 'admirable', we are not 'heroes', we are not 'special parents'.

Did you read any of our comments in this thread?

whumpthereitis · 09/02/2022 15:22

Apparently, 20% of looked after children have a statement of special educational needs, and 60% of all looked after children have some form of SEN.

There are certainly parents that don’t cope, and there are parents that wouldn’t cope if faced with having a child with special needs. I don’t suppose it’s talked about as much though, because of the stigma associated with giving a child up.

x2boys · 09/02/2022 15:27

@Blossomtoes

people who say " I couldn't cope" make it sound like its a choice.

In as far as it’s possible to predict these things, it would have been a choice for me. I wouldn’t have continued with a pregnancy.

And what if it didn't ? My child has a rare chromosome disorder ,it doesn't show up in prenatal tests and even if it did ,you would have know way of knowing how the child would be affected before they staeted developing,my son has significant disabilities,he was about 18 months old before we realised there was a problem,and was and is a much loved child ,many people really don't have a choice but to get on with it which is why comments such as " I couldn't do it" are so patronising.
AbsentmindedWoman · 09/02/2022 15:28

I have to admit, I couldn't cope. No way could I do it.

So what would happen if something happened to your non-disabled child that made them disabled?

I developed a disability at age 11.

Do people honestly believe they won't cope (if they give any thought to it at all) but still choose to have a kid anyway? Just sort of wing it, and expect they will be lucky?

I know people mean no harm when they say stuff like this, but unfortunately it really does contribute to the othering of disabled people.

Pearlescentivy · 09/02/2022 15:28

I also think people say 'i couldnt do it' to mean, please dont ask me for help in any shape or form.*

Ah, I think you might be right!

TooSpotty · 09/02/2022 15:29

@SartresSoul

My DC are not SEN but I can definitely say I would struggle to cope if they were and I know people parenting children with SEN are just getting on with it because they have no choice but it is admirable. I think I’d crack at the seams.
What this is saying is that those of us who don't 'crack at the seams' have some quality you don't, that we are better suited to it than you. That we are different to you.

We're not. We're cracking. You just can't see it, and we can't break right open because there is no one to sort out the mess that would cause. Don't admire us.