To think some people just aren't cut out to parent special needs children

[Troubleinpergatory]

I feel this way at the moment.

Is it a universal thing among parents of children with significant needs / extreme challenging behaviour or do you think that some people just aren't cut out for the job?

I've never felt that I wasn't good enough for my NT children, just completely unable to meet the needs of my special needs one

@duvetdayforeveryone

This is why it is so important to take photographs of the good times, so when things are going wrong (every child with SEN has life hiccups) you can look at them and remind yourself this too shall pass.

@duvetdayforeveryone I do this! I also journal the great moments and make sure someone takes pictures of me with the kids too, particularly doing 'normal' things when we get a chance at that (eg time at the park - even if in reality we only spent 7 minutes there). It is one of the only things that helps me.

That's a good tip - I learnt that from 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child - having some positive images of your child to bring deliberately to mind when they've kicked you in the shins or spat in your food (I have a DC who presents as very able but when she blows, she blows - kaboom!)

I went one step further and actually made a PowerPoint of DD doing holiday things for the school SENCO in September. She said it helped too.

Solidarity OP, two dead TVs here.

Oh god, not the Holland poem!!!

[quote Dillidilly]@User89174648495
Please don’t write things like ‘I couldn’t do it’ as actually it sends a message that these children aren’t worth loving and aren’t as good as other children and they are.

So well articulated, thank you[/quote]
I disagree.

I found it hard enough to cope with the children I did have or the ex . I wasn't equipped for it, didn't get support and frankly, I fucked up more times than I care to remember.

I'm not good enough a person or a parent to have been capable of caring for a child with severe SEND. I can look after animals brilliantly, train them, understand them, meet their needs perfectly. But people? No. I'm simply not as good as other parents. A child with severe SEND would deserve more than I would have been capable of giving or providing.

I am not saying they deserve less - I'm saying they would deserve more - more love, more skills, more everything - than was within my capabilities. So I wouldn't be able to do it. Because I wouldn't have been good enough. And I would not presume to criticise anybody who is unable to cope because there are situations where a different type of care is more able to meet a child's needs than being at home with their parent(s). No matter how much you love somebody, sometimes love isn't enough and you have to put what's right for them - and what keeps you literally alive in some cases - above emotions, guilt or what others think you should be able to do.

I am not saying they deserve less - I'm saying they would deserve more - more love, more skills, more everything - than was within my capabilities. So I wouldn't be able to do it. Because I wouldn't have been good enough.

So what would you do?

What would you do then @NeverDropYourMioncup ?
My son has severe and complex disabilities ,and like a lot of children ,they were not picked up during pregnancy or at birth ,it was only when there were development delays that we realised there was an issue ,at around 12-18 months ,he was our much loved child come what may ,would you walk away from a child you had given birth too and raised ?

And I might add ,just because I'm a special needs parent ,I have fucked up more times then I care to remember,I'm far from perfect ,but I carry on because despite everything ,he's my son and i love him more than life is have no other option.

@x2boys

What would you do then *@NeverDropYourMioncup* ? My son has severe and complex disabilities ,and like a lot of children ,they were not picked up during pregnancy or at birth ,it was only when there were development delays that we realised there was an issue ,at around 12-18 months ,he was our much loved child come what may ,would you walk away from a child you had given birth too and raised ?

Honestly? I do not believe that I would have been capable of doing it and would have therefore consented to residential care - in the interests of my much loved child that I was incapable of fulfilling the needs of.

I think you're in a minority if a residential is offered to you

@NeverDropYourMoonCup ,unless you relinquish the care of your child you can't just access residential care ,my friends child has got a place in a residential school, he's nearly 13 every other placement has failed she's been begging for help for years ,her son has very complex but quite individual needs ,it's been an incredibly hard decision for her and she's doing it in her sons best interests ,there may come a day I have to make that kind of decision but it will be heartbreaking for me
So unless you would be willing to put your child in foster care then there is no other option really .

[quote x2boys]@NeverDropYourMoonCup ,unless you relinquish the care of your child you can't just access residential care ,my friends child has got a place in a residential school, he's nearly 13 every other placement has failed she's been begging for help for years ,her son has very complex but quite individual needs ,it's been an incredibly hard decision for her and she's doing it in her sons best interests ,there may come a day I have to make that kind of decision but it will be heartbreaking for me
So unless you would be willing to put your child in foster care then there is no other option really .[/quote]
Then I believe if that would be the only way for a child of mine to have their needs met, I would have to do it for them.

It's all hypothetical on my part - I knew that if I were to conceive again, I would have to think very carefully all the way up to the anomaly scan if there had been something picked up then; with DD2, I had formed a vague notion of things I felt I would be able to cope with without hesitation and things I'd have to think at greater length about, but I am always grateful/feel that I was extremely fortunate that I didn't find myself in the position of actually having to make a decision then, at birth or at a later date.

I don't mean to hurt, insult or otherwise upset any parent in this sense, whatever their decisions have been. I am just absolutely sure of my inadequacies and mine alone.

Yes I guess your lucky it's all hypothetical
Reality is a very different and many people can and do cope as they don't have a choice ,I have no wish to argue on this matter though .

I really struggle with my DD too OP. She's 10 with ASD/anger issues. I can't cope and find little enjoyment in parenting. I'm a very successful teacher in an SEMH school but find I can't apply the strategies from school to my own child. I'm currently seperating from DH primarily because I need some time to myself and find life such a relentless struggle. It's all down to being on eggshells around her. She doesn't sleep either and it's just an absolute chore. You have my sincere sympathy xx

When we were bidding for residential care we were asked if we’d consider foster care instead. We said no, as it was entirely different to residential care, and were told that was lucky as there were no foster carers available that could have coped. Luckily we won the legal battle to get appropriate residential care then, as it wasn’t remotely obvious what the alternative would have been; at one point there was a suggestion that we instead seek foster care for our other children (and that one of us give up work entirely).

I'd forgotten about all the smashed tvs. The only one that managed to last was a 14 year old flat screen one that's in the living room. It's cracked but still works perfectly

They don't make them like they used too

@TooSpotty
I am a foster carer specialising in children with complex needs. We have a 16 yr old with autism and challenging behaviour who has been with us his whole life. It is true that there are not many carers around that will take children and young people with aggressive behaviour and complex medical needs and residential is normally the only option available.
But something else that is true is that we also struggle to get the support we need to carry on. it makes me angry when parents are told their children in foster care will get better support as in our experience it Is the exact opposite. We have wanted to adopt our child for many years but due to complex legal reasons haven't been able to but had we done so we would have been able to access much higher levels of respite.
as it is we went for years with no respite at all until we said we couldnt carry on with no support at all and it took years to get some respite hours to give us a break.
in my opinion the whole soc care system is on the verge of collapse and families are being pushed to the breaking point by the lack of respite available. and I can only see things getting worse sadly .

[quote flapjackfairy]@TooSpotty
I am a foster carer specialising in children with complex needs. We have a 16 yr old with autism and challenging behaviour who has been with us his whole life. It is true that there are not many carers around that will take children and young people with aggressive behaviour and complex medical needs and residential is normally the only option available.
But something else that is true is that we also struggle to get the support we need to carry on. it makes me angry when parents are told their children in foster care will get better support as in our experience it Is the exact opposite. We have wanted to adopt our child for many years but due to complex legal reasons haven't been able to but had we done so we would have been able to access much higher levels of respite.
as it is we went for years with no respite at all until we said we couldnt carry on with no support at all and it took years to get some respite hours to give us a break.
in my opinion the whole soc care system is on the verge of collapse and families are being pushed to the breaking point by the lack of respite available. and I can only see things getting worse sadly .[/quote]
My son is nearly 12 he is non verbal,severe autism and learning disabilities,he's at a school for children with severe learning disabilities,complex needs
The only respite we get is a day a week in the school holidays at a special needs play scheme ,which has only just started up again because of COVID
There isn't adequate respite for anyone .

The most insulted I’ve ever felt was when several, well-meaning friends said, “oh, you’re amazing. I couldn’t do what you do, I just wouldn’t cope”. Like I had any choice in the matter. I didn’t ever put my hand up when pregnant and say “go in then…..I’ll take the disabled one”. You just plod on. My child is now an adult and I’m still hanging on in there.

@x2boys
I couldnt agree more.
It is shameful that families have no.support when dealing with such challenging issues.
I dont think many people understand that and think that respite is the norm for families with children with complex needs when in fact it is generally the opposite.

@just a thought but are you eligible for direct payments ?
My friend gets 8 hrs a week funded for her child and buys in care with it to give her a break at the weekend and she gets more hours in school holidays as well. Although with the shortage of carers it is not always easy to get carers to deliver packages anyway. She uses a private agency and it is a lifesaver.

[quote flapjackfairy]@just a thought but are you eligible for direct payments ?
My friend gets 8 hrs a week funded for her child and buys in care with it to give her a break at the weekend and she gets more hours in school holidays as well. Although with the shortage of carers it is not always easy to get carers to deliver packages anyway. She uses a private agency and it is a lifesaver.[/quote]
We probably are ,but there are very few PA,s available ,my son's has just transferred from an Sen primary school to Sen high school ,and is now under a different paediatrician,I was asked why we didn't have more respite ,I said because we have never been offered it the system is a joke tbh .

I was certainly not cut out for raising my learning disabled, autistic DS with challenging behaviour either but it’s not like I had a choice! Made it harder that he was one of a set of twins (other one NT).

What has been hardest is battling the Local Authority for the support he’s entitled to and should be straight forward to get. Still doing it now he’s 20 and don’t expect to ever be able to stop. Has had a massive effect in my physical and mental health.

My sister once said to me that she could not believe we had disability funding (we're not in the UK) and that there were so many more families out there who are more deserving. Bitch.

My guys are now adults and we have life mostly sorted. They both have disability funding packages which more than covers what they need. The childhood and school years were appallingly difficult though.

@×2boys
I know it us v hard to get reliable carers and that is a whole other crisis that is impacting massively on disabked people and their families. Ed Balls did a v good programme ( 2 actually ) a few weeks ago and it was sobering watching.
In my experience it requires a long hard fight to get any support which is the last thing anyone needs when they are already exhausted by caring but sadly that is how it is.

I have found that the agencies that should be supporting families are often a big part of the problem.