Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some people just aren't cut out to parent special needs children

212 replies

Troubleinpergatory · 08/02/2022 23:10

I feel this way at the moment.

Is it a universal thing among parents of children with significant needs / extreme challenging behaviour or do you think that some people just aren't cut out for the job?

I've never felt that I wasn't good enough for my NT children, just completely unable to meet the needs of my special needs one Sad

OP posts:
ExtraPlinky · 09/02/2022 15:31

Also massive love to everyone here - most of you are dealing with more than I am but even today I had a little cry and am berating myself for not being a good enough parent. I'm on the spectrum myself which I've only recently acknowledged. So sometimes kids with special educational and emotional needs are also being patented by adults with those same needs.
We muddle along don't we?

Dillidilly · 09/02/2022 15:38

Same to you @ExtraPlinky and everyone else x
I well remember suddenly finding myself crying as I was walking along with a pushchair, tears just coming from nowhere, many times.

BattenbergdowntheHatches · 09/02/2022 15:39

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Gowithme · 09/02/2022 15:42

How old is your son OP? Is residential school a possibility at all?

Original poster
Troubleinpergatory · 09/02/2022 15:45

I'm currently locked in the bathroom with DS on the other side of the door banging, shouting and hitting it.

I just needed a minute. It's going to be a fucking long afternoon today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Troubleinpergatory · 09/02/2022 15:48

@Gowithme

How old is your son OP? Is residential school a possibility at all?
He's 4 and he starts at a specialist school in September. 5 days per week, regular school hours afaik.

He's actually in nursery at the moment, well not today but two days per week. I said school in my second post as I was trying not to identify myself too much.

I would consider residential when he's much, much older.. like young adult age.. if things don't improve, but I couldn't bring myself to look into that yet.

OP posts:
theqentity · 09/02/2022 15:49

@SartresSoul

My DC are not SEN but I can definitely say I would struggle to cope if they were and I know people parenting children with SEN are just getting on with it because they have no choice but it is admirable. I think I’d crack at the seams.
You haven't read the thread at all have you? You would survive while being 'cracked at the seams', out of furious love for your child.
BattenbergdowntheHatches · 09/02/2022 15:52

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 09/02/2022 15:54

YANBU I often feel completely overwhelmed parenting my twins and often wonder how is cope with a child with SEN.

I would expect how you're feeling is extremely normal for parents of ND children. Don't feel afraid to speak up and reach out for support 💐

BrioLover · 09/02/2022 15:54

God I can relate to this.

If it helps at all OP, my son is now 8 and things are better. He was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD, and is now on medication. At the age of 4 though he was so violent and aggressive I almost had a breakdown.

TooSpotty · 09/02/2022 15:59

@Troubleinpergatory none of us can predict the future but if residential care is the best thing for your son it won't feel like a cruel thing to do. The difference between your child with the right placement and the wrong can be so enormous that you see very quickly how much happier they are with what they need in place.

Residential education wouldn't ever be for your sake, but your child's, so it's not a selfish act, and no one involved in the process should make you feel like that.

Original poster
Troubleinpergatory · 09/02/2022 16:09

[quote BattenbergdowntheHatches]@Troubleinpergatory can you give your DS a bowl of crisps/the iPad while you do some zen breathing?

(That’s what I do).

You’ve done brilliantly to get your son is a specialist school so young Flowers[/quote]
Thank you that's very kind

I don't feel I can take all the credit though, his nursery were instrumental in him getting an EHCP age 3. I'm so thankful for that as I know how hard some people have to fight to even have an EHCP assessment accepted.

He's currently sitting quietly on the sofa now, with his tablet, so I'm having a much needed cup of tea.

OP posts:
Original poster
Troubleinpergatory · 09/02/2022 16:15

@BrioLover

God I can relate to this.

If it helps at all OP, my son is now 8 and things are better. He was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD, and is now on medication. At the age of 4 though he was so violent and aggressive I almost had a breakdown.

It does help alot, thank you.

We strongly suspect he has ADHD alongside his ASD and I'm going to push for a second assessment. He was diagnosed with ASD just shy of his third birthday.

I sent his paediatricans office a very frazzled email last week asking to be contacted ASAP as we were approaching crisis point. His next appointment is in March.

Would you mind sharing a little bit about the process of him getting a dx for ADHD? Did it come much later than the ASD dx?

OP posts:
BattenbergdowntheHatches · 09/02/2022 16:27

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Mumofsend · 09/02/2022 16:40

@troubleinpergatory

My DD is now 7. Dx ASC 3, ADHD a few weeks past 6. Because she was already in the system the ADHD dx was much more straightforward. She isn't on medication but things definitely have become a lot easier of the past year

greenlynx · 09/02/2022 17:28

Oh OP it sounds awful
Are you in contact with local parent forum? Any parents group on FB? It became a real game changer for me when I join. They are really good to point you out to a person locally who can help or at least push for help. What about something like Home Start scheme to give you a bit of a break?
Sending big hugs. Things are definitely better when they are starting school, it gives you more structured support and 5 days per week.

Mojoj · 09/02/2022 18:15

The only advice I can give you is to shout, as loud as you can, make a real nuisance of yourself to all the Services involved in caring for your child. And do it, every day. But, if you're still getting the runaround, call Social Services and tell them you want your child to be taken into care. You may find the choice of actually giving you the support you need is a better, and cheaper, option for them, than providing 24 hour care, 365 days a week. BUT, you need to be convincing ( even although you would never actually do it). They need to believe you would. Good luck. You are doing an amazing job🥰🥰

TooSpotty · 09/02/2022 18:55

When we were at our most desperate I was put in touch with a QC who specialised in care cases. At the end of our conversation he said ‘there is one thing I know of that always works but you have to mean it’ and I thought he was going it tell me some really clever legal trick, but he just told me ‘you can leave them in the reception at social services, say you’re putting them into care, and walk away’. Utterly and hopelessly shocking that we have come to that in our society. Luckily for us, threatening judicial review won the day.

Original poster
Troubleinpergatory · 09/02/2022 19:15

I'm not sure I'd have the guts to threaten to leave him in SS offices in an attempt to get them to give me a support package.

I could see it backfiring and turning into a case of me losing all of my DC with them raising concerns about my emotional state / mental health to resort to something like that.

I did approach SS last year which took me months to do because I was so frightened to (not without good reason, I know there are some incredible social workers but I've seen first hand the damage they can do too)

I asked for the disability team and was fobbed off from the start. They said he wasn't eligible for respite due to his age.

OP posts:
TooSpotty · 09/02/2022 19:26

No one SHOULD need to do it, nor should professionals be advising anyone to do it: that’s what an awful state we’ve got to with support services.

We were referred to social services by our paediatrician. But I’ve since heard shocking stories of parents with severe needs being turned away.

KatnissNeverdone · 09/02/2022 19:29

See I feel to some extent that I'm "lucky" because DS's condition is life limiting. It means we get respite from the children's hospice. He's been offered 3 stays of 4 days each for the year.

Pishup · 09/02/2022 19:35

I suspect that you're an amazing parent, you just don't feel it because of all of the extra challenges parenting a child with additional needs brings.

I question myself regularly if I'm a good enough parent to my SEN child. There have been highs and lows and I'm not perfect, but then no parent is. Sounds like you're going through a low at the mo.

Pishup · 09/02/2022 19:44

Sorry, just read all of your posts on this thread. Gosh, that sounds so hard.

Are you in contact with some local charities? It's been a Godsend for me having that support both in person and online.

They do things with the kids and signpost to areas where you can get practical support.

Do you have access to Short Break Local Offer for respite (look on your county council's website).

If you haven't applied for DLA then contact your local council's Money Advice Unit. They can help you apply for DLA which you may help you pay for respite care of equipment to support his needs.

There may be a charity out there that can help you with paperwork for these things.

Wfhquery · 09/02/2022 19:55

@Gowithme

How old is your son OP? Is residential school a possibility at all?
Cus that’s so easy to get without going to tribunal and putting yourself under a load more stress
cansu · 09/02/2022 19:59

No one is cut out for it. I think though that people expect a lot of parents of children with SN without any real understanding of the additional workload. I often say in my own situation imagine parenting a three year old and then do that for fifteen extra years. My children require same amount of supervision and it is not a few years of this it is forever. Who could possibly maintain this and still be a great parent.

Swipe left for the next trending thread