To think some people just aren't cut out to parent special needs children

[Troubleinpergatory]

I feel this way at the moment.

Is it a universal thing among parents of children with significant needs / extreme challenging behaviour or do you think that some people just aren't cut out for the job?

I've never felt that I wasn't good enough for my NT children, just completely unable to meet the needs of my special needs one

I worked in residential care where, contrary to the popular belief, most of children were placed there not due to neglect or abuse but simply their parents couldn’t cope any longer.

Initially yes, the transition itself is heartbreaking for everyone involved, but long term outcomes are better for mental health & overall well-being of both the families and the children.

Take care @Troubleinpergatory and please don’t be afraid to ask for help 💐

I feel the same trouble is we don’t get a choice. My son is at a special school and the staff there seem to be able to deal with things so much better but I’m guessing it’s easier when you go home at end of day from job. I’ve actually had people say to me I don’t know how you stay so calm when I feel anything but calm so maybe what things look like can be deceiving as looks like others are coping so much better. I asked for respite last year and got turned down, I suppose their decision must have been right as we’re all still here in one piece without any support. Sorry I can be much help but can sympathise.

@Troubleinpergatory I’ve said yabu but not to undermine you. Just to make the point that others have in saying it’s not a choice to cope or not to. You bloody have to make do with what you get. If you think other people are suited to it then that undermines their stresses and strains. And yours. It can be bloody awful, and I’m so so sorry you’re feeling so down about it all.
I hope you can get some signposting to appropriate support or therapy to help your conditions so that you can continue to support your child.
Squeaky wheels get the oil so tell everyone you can think of about your struggles- school, health visitors, GP etc. Ask who can help you. Demand support.
People just have to walk the path theyre given sometimes…

Apologies if my previous post was quite abrupt. It just used to really upset me when people told me they wouldn't have been able to cope in my situation. One horrible woman once said 'If ever I feel depressed, I just think about your life Dillidilly, and that cheers me up!'. When friends/family said they wouldn't be able to cope/didn't know how we coped, they never offered to help, either.

There are, of course, a small number of parents who do have to place their child in care. But it will be the absolute darkest, most heart-wrenching decision for the vast majority of them. And it will happen because there has never been, and still isn't, the appropriate support for families of children with additional needs.

So I'm sorry, about it feels so trite when posters say they 'know they couldn't cope'. It's not a nice, tidy decision like that.

OP, I think we all feel that we're not cut out to be a parent of a child with additional needs, because it wasn't a choice we made. I think it's a very normal way to feel. I echo the helpful advice from PP x

*but it feels

I hate the messages given out. The god only gives sn children to special parents type crap. I also hate other non SN parents telling me they couldn't do what I do
We are not super humans. We just hang in there trying to do our best. Having a violent child is a lonely place and few people understand. Do you have any support?

I haven't read your other replies but have you heard of non violent resistance?
It didn't work fully for my child but parts of it did and it gives you some feelings of control
Is the violence directed towards you or the house? My child was violent towards me. It's the most awful domestic violence because you can't escape it. I did find the police, mostly, supportive though and, during the worst times, I had a police alarm which I kept in my pocket and they responded immediately. Its not a long term solution but it got us through the most extreme times
How old is your child?

Thank god someone has said it. I absolutely hate it. I love my boy don't get me wrong, but he's 16 now and it's really hard work. He's physically disabled with all the personal care and hoisting that comes with. I shouldn't have to be wiping my 16 year old son's arse.

It's not about not being able to cope. It's the fact we are forced to have to cope. Special kids are not given to special parents, they are given to absolutely ordinary parents who just have to get on with it, with minimal help from outside agencies, for the grand price of £67 a week.

Just lately every time he gets in from school he makes a bee line for me and hits/shoves me. The minute he comes in the door. He's trying to communicate his stresses in the day but isn't able to articulate himself so these behaviours are all he knows.

This is so hard to deal with. I'm going to ask a slightly unorthodox question here... Does he have anything in the house he is allowed to hit? If not, I would seriously suggest getting him a pillow he is allowed to hit, or even a punch bag. We had the same situation when Ds was younger (except he often went for his sister instead of me). We bought a punch bag and this was the only thing he was allowed to hit.

@Hospedia

I have to admit, I couldn't cope. No way could I do it.

I know people mean well when they say this and that it's supposed to sound encouraging like "wow, you're doing this super special thing that us ordinary humans couldn't cope with doing" but really it's not helpful. You would cope and you would do it because there is no option not to, no matter how difficult it is, you have to get through each day.

Parents of disabled children aren't superhuman, we're just human. Implying that what we do is somehow extraordinary sets us apart, it suggests we're somehow different, separate to the norm and that isolates us even further.

Absolutely

Sending love OP and well wishes.

I do also agree with the posters below who really feel let down by the messaging around parents of children with SN being 'chosen' or 'exceptional'. Unfortunately it just reinforces the position of isolation hand having to manage at all costs

OP I hear you.
When I discovered my DD had some problems at the 20 week scan I thought I can’t do this. I remember lots of people telling me I was strong, that they’d support/help, I’d be entitled to respite etc.
Literally none of that happened and still doesn’t.
Ive cried in pain from frozen shoulder and sore backs and there’s just a shrug from authorities (if not downright callousness when it comes to local authorities).
I don’t feel chosen.
But as my daughter is seriously disabled physically etc I don’t have a choice.
I remember making a decision when she was born that I’d never think of what could or should have been- that was easier when she was a baby - but now she’s desperate to walk and talk and eat but she can’t do any of those things.
If she wasn’t the most outstanding little piece of joy I’d be on my knees.
It’s really tough - I voted YANBU because your feelings are valid. It’s very tough and I have no idea what would really help - I wish I did but I don’t

Op we don't raise our children, including SN children in a vacuum. How well we can manage as parents is impacted by the support we have around us- that could be financial, practical, emotional etc. I work with SN children and I hear daily about the 'fight' to get services. It's just ridiculous really that people have to fight through the bureaucracy to get necessary things like schools and health care.
You can only do your best and you sound like a lovely caring parent. Arm yourself with information, as knowledge is power and take any support offered to you.

@Dillidilly

Nearly 30 years ago I had an actual paediatric consultant tell me: 'God only gives special children to special parents'! I'm hoping no one would say that these days.

Those posters saying they just would not cope. What do you think you would do then? Would you really place your child in care/give them up for adoption? Because those are the only alternatives to not coping.

The majority of us just muddle through and do the best we can.

Thanks you have said it more articulately than I could Some disabilities are not always immediately apparent or can be picked up pre natally ,by the time we realised there was an issue with our second son ,he was about 18 months ,those who feel they couldn't cope with disabilities,would you just walk away from your much loved toddler ?

Isn't it actually ridiculous that individuals are given the most important job there is , being a parent, with absolutely no training at all.

And this applies a hundred fold for children with additional needs.

No one would be placed as a special needs worker 24 hours a day without some sort of training and support. But this is exactly what society expects of parents because they happened to give birth to the child.

Op please don't read too much into the vote its open to interpretation.

I voted YABU only because I think some people just aren't cut out to be parents.

But the system is rubbish, parents shouldn't need to fight for help. Disabled people AND THEIR FAMILIES, children, adults, oldies, should all be much better cared for by society. Its how societies should be judged how well we look after the weakest.

It's hard, some days I was just fed up of the constant drain it was on me but I knew I could cope better than the only alternative, the care system. Life isn't fair is it, but looking back she made me what I am today

I can't meet my child's needs. I can't even seem to get her assessed we keep getting pushed back and nothing happens. There's a system and I know you have to play it, influence etc but I'm just not capable of that. I stupidly used to think it was a queue and it was fair. But clearly it's not and still we have to wait.

The good news is that they do change as they get older. Every child is different but I found around 16/17 dd stopped the tantrums and hitting (it had been reducing through the teens) and she had continued development right into her 20's she definitely is still progressing she's recently moved out at 22

Some people should never be allowed to care for a child SEN or not.

I'm almost certain that you are doing a massively better job than you believe. It is relentless, it is thankless, it is exhausting. There is virtually no respite. Unless you live it it is hard to understand and this makes it so isolating.

Be kind to yourself

Thing is you don't have a choice do you? My son was born unexpectedly with sn even though I had invasive tests in utero . We have been to hell and back and life is hard but it is what it is !
And yes I would change him to make his life and my life easier . I hate it when people suggest otherwise ! 🙄🙄..

Adoption or fostering is the only alternative and I just couldn't do that to him. I will however be looking for residential care or assisted living when he is 18 because a life with two old people doesn't seem like fun for him! He is so sociable and loves life and I'll be tired and old by then!

Also and to say you couldn't do it is rubbish , if you had asked me if I would cope I would say no and had I known he wouldn't be here . I know it sounds brutal but I was the last person I thought it would happen to !!

You don't have a choice to "not cope" there simply isn't help available. I have 3 children all have SN

I have begged sobbing for help to anyone who will listen. There is no support. I am told there is no funding/ they don't meet criteria. I get told how "strong" I am how hard I fight for my kids.... How I am doing the best for them

I don't want to fill out dozens of forms have hundreds of meetings and currently have a court date scheduled just to get my kids the basic things that they need...

I shouldn't happen, 2 DC are now in specialist schools and are doing well.... After a fight to get them placements. The other is not doing well. We've just been discharged from Ss after dc1 attempted suicide at school (they had a telephone call with me then wrote a report) I asked to be referred to any service that might help, was emailed a list of charity helplines that are always busy and offered yet another parenting zoom course.

I have lost friends, family and my sense of who I am, I can't work as one DC has severe mh and cannot be left and is rarely in school all my human interactions are speaking about my children's issues it's all consuming...and appears never ending....

I had no idea I would have a child with Sen let alone All my children having sn (youngest was dx first) It is not the life I planned. Me and Dh are hanging by a thread, he's checked out, he works longer and longer hours as homelife is so hard, we barely talk.

There's no respite no break no knowing if tomorrow will be better no planning ahead for better times. It's crushing.

Honestly... I feel like some parents shouldn't be parents at all, special needs or not.

I take my hat off to parents of SN children. You're absolutely not being unreasonable to think that some people couldn't do it. My brother has brain damage from a bad birth and the impact it has on my mum breaks my heart. It's nothing to do with her being a bad mum, it's just that looking after a child with SN is extremely difficult. Not even down to the extra care they may require; but the really annoying behavioural habits they may have - asking the same question 50 times an hour and getting completely obsessed over things. Enough to drive you potty without worrying about the other stuff!

I can't offer advice on how to cope because I certainly do not have the patience to be able to bring a SN child in to the world but just the fact that you've done it and you're doing it should give you some comfort.

Are they enrolled in a SN school and have you tried talking to them about options available on additional care/support?

This is why it is so important to take photographs of the good times, so when things are going wrong (every child with SEN has life hiccups) you can look at them and remind yourself this too shall pass.