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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to do this to my kids

245 replies

Nostrings457 · 08/02/2022 23:04

Currently going through a break up. H not around to support. 3 DC who do the below activities, I’m working full time in a stressful job.

DC do the following, I feel like I need to cut down the after school stuff, but they all love what they do but it isn’t sustainable for my sanity. I just want to come home some days & not have to rush tea, get all 3 back out for drop off pick ups & fit reading / homework in somewhere in between. I don’t push any activities, it’s all stuff they have asked to do. I’d happily drop a few activities but feel like I’m letting them down for what will seem to them is just because I’m tired / can’t be bothered

Mon - DC8 & DC6 dancing
Tues - DC 8 Brownies
Wed - nothing
Thurs - DC4 football
Fri - DC6 rainbows
Sat - DC8 swimming (non-negotiable)
Sun - DC6 & DC4 swimming (non negotiable)

AIBU to cut down on some activities? Any ideas on how to approach with DC welcome

OP posts:

budgiegirl · 09/02/2022 11:11

OP, don't feel bad about your kids dropping some activities if you need them too - it's easy to say they are only doing 2 or 3 activities each, but you presumably having to take all three to each one, so none of them (or you!) get much down time. It's important for children to have some time to do nothing much, time to relax and switch off for a bit.

If it was me, I'd ask the children to pick one activity in addition to swimming (it would be helpful if the girls could pick the same activity!)

Perhaps drop swimming lessons for a bit, and just take them swimming all together at a weekend. Or book an intensive course in the holidays. I had only one term of lessons as a child, and my sister had none, but we learnt to swim by just going swimming - we're probably not the best swimmers in the world, but I still go twice a week and swim around 60 lengths at a time, so not too shabby!

I'd drop brownies and rainbows, they're not skills based so could more easily be resumed again if circumstances change

If your DD's choose to drop brownies, I'd be a little careful of assuming you can just walk straight back into this - most units have long waiting lists.

KiwiDramaQueen · 09/02/2022 11:12

@BoredZelda

All those saying it's not that much - when do you have time for YOU? See friends, have your own hobby, quality time with your partner or even just chilled time as a family?! I'm assuming you either don't work FT or have mostly sacrificed these things...

When they are off to Uni.

It’s a choice people make.

This is what my mum did, had no life of her own and frankly she often wasn't a very happy mum and it impacted on us. But as you say it's a personal choice.

I'll take your other point on the value of brownies - my judgement here is probably informed by the fact I found it pretty boring as a kid.

Embracelife · 09/02/2022 11:18

Pay for some help

Delatron · 09/02/2022 11:19

Also hated Brownies. But I was a bit of a rebel so that didn’t go down well..

Another idea. Which is what I did, is cull the after school stuff in autumn/winter when driving around in the dark is energy sapping. And when I had more energy in the spring/summer I’d do a bit more. But again I only had 2 kids and worked 4 days a week.

In the spring/summer when we were waiting for one child’s club I could go for a walk in the park with the other and do more things. In the winter there was a lot of sitting in dark cars and hanging around.

Admittedly dropping brownies means you won’t get back in as they often have long waiting lists.

I would ditch swimming and book an intensive course for the summer or some 1-2-1s for spring.

The 1-2-1s mine had were worth at least a term of swimming lessons.

emuloc · 09/02/2022 11:20

Jeeze no wonder so many mothers are hanging on by the skin of their teeth, trying to keep it all together. Op do what you feel you can reasonably do, long term without running yourself into the ground.

Goodnewsbadnews · 09/02/2022 11:21

@KiwiDramaQueen maybe NZ brownies weren’t as good as UK as I also found it really boring and grew up in NZ! (If your user name means you are a fellow kiwi!)

Delatron · 09/02/2022 11:21

And it’s all very well saying sacrifice your life until they go to Uni. What about mental health and well-being? This will have a huge impact on OPs ability to parent and hold down a full time job. I’m sure those sacrificing their lives for their kids until Uni have partners/ less kids/ don’t work full time...

girlmom21 · 09/02/2022 11:22

[quote Goodnewsbadnews]@KiwiDramaQueen maybe NZ brownies weren’t as good as UK as I also found it really boring and grew up in NZ! (If your user name means you are a fellow kiwi!)[/quote]
I went to Brownies in the UK and I'd rather have put forks in my eyes

Delatron · 09/02/2022 11:23

We have to ask how many men would do the same?

We are our own worst enemies sometimes. (Women). Pretending that a workload and schedule like the OPs is fine and doable.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 09/02/2022 11:36

@Delatron I agree, I'm shocked by this thread. I don't know any single dads who work in demanding f/t jobs who would then throw 6 days of clubs and activities on top of that and juggle it all by themselves without assistance. None. I don't know many single dads with three kids working f/t without support, to be honest. It's not a thing. The one single dad I know is fab, but I have noticed that over the years his one daughter has got saddled with housework, home organizing and now working and putting money in the pot when his sons have not.

These ingrained ideas about female sacrifice are really destructive. One single parent cannot do the same as two parents, even if one of the parents is a bit of a useless or out of the home a lot dad. Even useless/working away dads will usually drive the kids on weekends to sports, get a takeaway in and provide an outlet for your moaning.

I never realised how hard it was to be a single parent until I was one, and it seems like a lot of other people are also struggling to understand the reality of being the only one around to do anything- those saying 'keep life the same', really? The OP is literally expected to be two people at once?

DickMabutt73962 · 09/02/2022 11:42

Any free time they have is surely spent polishing their medals for Parent of the Year

resuwen · 09/02/2022 11:52

Drop down to two clubs each and then spend an hour playing family board games.

Flickflak · 09/02/2022 12:05

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Delatron · 09/02/2022 12:18

Yep @OnwardsAndSideways1 this thread has made me very cross!

If there was one other single woman/man on here saying they worked full time and had three kids and did all this, then fine they are the only ones who would have an idea really. The rest of us don’t have a clue. It just became a typical Mumsnet competitive parenting thread.

Also breaking the actives down per child. Well that’s a hell of a lot of a difference if you have 2 kids versus 3..

greenteafiend · 09/02/2022 12:45

I think the answer is to make the lifts etc easier for you, not drop something that they love.
My kids have a similar schedule without the swimming lessons as they are older.
Set up a WhatsApp group for lifts for each group.

Except that this ignores the mental load associated with setting up the group, answering messages, checking, dealing with last minute changes...
As for all the people suggesting getting helpers or lift nannies to give lifts--I really don't want to think about the cost of all this ON TOP of the cost of all the wretched activities. There are some really middle class bubble types on here.

OP, just do a bit of intensive swim course stuff in holidays and drop it the rest of the year, take the girls to dance once a week and the boy to football if you really must (is it essential though? He's four). Sorted.

Delatron · 09/02/2022 12:51

Good point about the DS being 4. What time is the football? After a long day at school mine were knackered at that age. They did the odd activity straight after school (so 3-3.30 for example) at school. I definitely wasn’t ferrying 4 year olds to evening clubs. Mine didn’t get in to football until older.

greenteafiend · 09/02/2022 12:55

I get that it must be really hard for OP, and something has to give, but right now, in times of upheaval for these young children, I’d have thought also taking away things they love to do is going to really impact on them.

We're talking about ditching an activity that they probably give little thought to, not dousing their teddy bears in petrol and setting fire to them.

BoredZelda · 09/02/2022 16:07

Brownies/rainbows and sports all develop social skills and physical fitness ; I think they are really important for children.

I agree both are important, but they do PE at school which should give them enough. The skills they do at Brownies tend to be lower priority in school.

BoredZelda · 09/02/2022 16:14

We're talking about ditching an activity that they probably give little thought to, not dousing their teddy bears in petrol and setting fire to them

How do you know they give little thought to it?

My daughter hates missing guides, she was the same at brownies.

Just because you don’t think it’s important, doesn’t mean they don’t. And at a time when they are going through a major life event, taking it away may be really detrimental.

My sister and I had to give up guides because my brother wanted to do air cadets and my mum couldn’t take us to both. I’ve never forgotten how unfair that was.

BoredZelda · 09/02/2022 16:20

I went to Brownies in the UK and I'd rather have put forks in my eyes

I’d rather have done the same than play football, but funny, few seem to think giving up that is an option.

oviraptor21 · 09/02/2022 17:18

I agree both are important, but they do PE at school which should give them enough. The skills they do at Brownies tend to be lower priority in school.

I think you'll find that PE provision at primary school level is pretty poor. Certainly nowhere near the recommended amount of exercise per week.
Out of interest, what are these skills that brownies develop that they don't get at school?

RandomMess · 09/02/2022 17:25

Can your eldest not swim yet?

Keepitonthedownlow · 09/02/2022 17:29

Agree with PP, 4 year doesn't need football. Also swimming lessons for ages can be a waste of time.

Mimosa1 · 09/02/2022 17:30

That sounds really tough. Can you take next week off from activities completely? Give yourself a bit of a break then reassess?

SanFranBear · 09/02/2022 17:43

I agree with many PP's - that is loads... also disagree with many, Brownies and Rainbows are a special kind of group and offer so much more than a more focused, exercise based activity..

I'm a single parent and mine do one activity each a week, on different nights.. and that is plenty. They need time with their Dad (will your Ex not any time with his DC, ever?!? What a fucking prick!) and downtime themselves.

I'm not sure what the answer is (although asking other parents sounds like a good idea!) but I don't think you're wrong to be overwhelmed and exhausted.. you need more than one night off (where I'm sure you're still cooking, playing, bathing, kissing ouches, finding lost shit, sorting laundry, cleaning, reading stories, listening, cuddling - the list goes on!) You're doing an amazing job

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