AIBU to do this to my kids

[Nostrings457]

Currently going through a break up. H not around to support. 3 DC who do the below activities, I’m working full time in a stressful job.

DC do the following, I feel like I need to cut down the after school stuff, but they all love what they do but it isn’t sustainable for my sanity. I just want to come home some days & not have to rush tea, get all 3 back out for drop off pick ups & fit reading / homework in somewhere in between. I don’t push any activities, it’s all stuff they have asked to do. I’d happily drop a few activities but feel like I’m letting them down for what will seem to them is just because I’m tired / can’t be bothered

Mon - DC8 & DC6 dancing
Tues - DC 8 Brownies
Wed - nothing
Thurs - DC4 football
Fri - DC6 rainbows
Sat - DC8 swimming (non-negotiable)
Sun - DC6 & DC4 swimming (non negotiable)

AIBU to cut down on some activities? Any ideas on how to approach with DC welcome

Bucking the trend 3 activities is quite a lot. We ditched the swimming lessons in favour of a family swim once a week but the kids are all able swimmers and know the basics. We do an intensive swim course in the summer so they get a certificate/ move up a level. They all do 2 a week now which is more manageable.

@SmorgasBorb

Dump the Brownies and Rainbows. It's dull as shit anyway. Tell them the venue burned down like my mum did in the 80's when she couldn't be arsed with it.

We used to walk past said venue everyday and I was quite aware it was intact. I called her out on it and she was quite open about the fact that she couldn't be arsed taking me anymore given I had dancing classes too. I was quite small but I remembered being quite relieved about not having to do earnest things in a chilly church hall while dressed like a gnome.

Thank you, SmorgasBorb, your post gave me the biggest laugh I've had for a while!

It looks like a lot to me. And those who claim it is normal, as @MiddleParking pointed out are not saying ‘I’m also a single mum with 3 kids who works full time -that looks like a breeze to me’

Because they’re not. They’ll be part time/not working/DH helps out/2 kids not 3. Mumsnet at its finest when it gets down to competitive activity scheduling for their children. Very much a middle class and recent issue. Didn’t happen in the 80s!

Anyone else’s mother bust a gut every night ferrying them to multiple activities? Mine didn’t.

Sounds awful and stressful OP and I couldn’t do it. Hats off to you for struggling on but your mental health is important too. You can’t run yourself in to the ground.

We ditched swimming. I did an intensive course one week over the summer when they were about 6/7. Could swim well after that. Both are now very strong swimmers at 11/13 and do open water swimming and triathlons. Didn’t do them any harm and saved me many evenings sat watching them waiting for their turn to swim half a length across a pool aged 5/6. They learn to swim at their own pace.

Or ditch brownies and rainbows. This will do them no harm. Children need downtime too.

Don’t get sucked in to the competitive parenting on here. They are not in your situation. I have no idea how you do it all.

Mine never did weekly swimming lessons. Ds1 did 2 x 1 week intensive course, Ds2 did one which coincided with Ds1's second week. It was at a local private school in their pool over 2 school holidays.

But we did take them swimming every week with us so basically they learned to perfect their technique there. There were also private swimming lessons taking place there so sometimes they would give advice on how to learn front crawl breathing with a float but to be honest it is all on YouTube anyway.

Swimming lessons should be supported with actual swimming, otherwise they never get chance to practise between lessons. What level is DC8? Is it really worth continuing if they have been having lessons since they were probably 4?

For the other stuff car pool if possible. It isn't a lot in terms of activities but it is a lot of your time with transporting 3 children back and forth each time and that your children are in different classes.

Thats a good point about 1 to 1 . We saved a fortune doing this as although a high up front cost they progress so much quicker! And do fun swimming as a family occasionally too.

I think the answer is to make the lifts etc easier for you, not drop something that they love.
My kids have a similar schedule without the swimming lessons as they are older.
Set up a WhatsApp group for lifts for each group.

The other thing is that if you are competitive parenting all the time taking them to activities 6 days a week, then some of the other stuff like reading together, doing projects for school, and chatting (emotional stuff) goes by the wayside. You have to create time in the schedule for that stuff and that's harder if you and they are exhausted.

There's been some great ideas on here about swimming club in holidays (one week) or just one day a week, cutting out Brownies/Rainbows (unless they absolutely love it) and seeing what's left. It's noticeable that the single parent on here with three kids who worked f/t says they didn't do ANY activities; I have two and am a single parent and work f/t and whilst we do some, although mine are older, I do prioritize my own health and wellbeing as well and also don't push myself if I get ill as I don't want long-term health problems that would affect my ability to work f/t.

I still dont get rhe "it isn't a lot" comment. Its 11 activities a week. 5 x afterschool club/care and then 6 days of clubs. Remember each child is having to go to the other children's clubs!

I can't comment on brownies and rainbows, but cubs and scouts are great.
I quite liked brownies of the 1980s, although there seemed to be a lot of focus on learning to make tea!

Can you move dancing or football to a brownie/rainbow night so they double activities that evening? that way you are running around alot on less days?

@Nostrings457

Currently going through a break up. H not around to support. 3 DC who do the below activities, I’m working full time in a stressful job.

DC do the following, I feel like I need to cut down the after school stuff, but they all love what they do but it isn’t sustainable for my sanity. I just want to come home some days & not have to rush tea, get all 3 back out for drop off pick ups & fit reading / homework in somewhere in between. I don’t push any activities, it’s all stuff they have asked to do. I’d happily drop a few activities but feel like I’m letting them down for what will seem to them is just because I’m tired / can’t be bothered

Mon - DC8 & DC6 dancing
Tues - DC 8 Brownies
Wed - nothing
Thurs - DC4 football
Fri - DC6 rainbows
Sat - DC8 swimming (non-negotiable)
Sun - DC6 & DC4 swimming (non negotiable)

AIBU to cut down on some activities? Any ideas on how to approach with DC welcome

You need to take care of number one as you said for your own sanity, you're dealing with a lot at the moment .....looking at the activities I would drop Brownies and Rainbows, that leaves all children with 2 activities a week which is plenty and frees 2 extra free evenings... don't get caught up in the keeping up with the Joneses mentality, by doing too much you could end up suffering yourself..... YOU are just as important as your children are

I don’t agree with homework for children this young, reading and spellings is all I do but not on activities nights if its going to be a rush.

Also do you cook a full meal? On nights where we don’t have much time it’s quick easy stuff, sandwich, 2 min noodles, hot dogs, sausage butty, nibbles (chicken skewers, ham, cocktail sausages, carrot sticks etc..) anything that can be pulled out of a packet quickly. They can even eat in the car if need be.

You absolutely need to rearrange this or drop some of it otherwise you will burn out and then what? Much as I believe in children having activities I also think there is value in just being at home, chilling, watching TV etc.

The swimming is valuable and then maybe one activity each (preferably on the same evening) or if you cannot then perhaps look into car sharing.

I was qondering about the meal too . I'd rather eat a meal with them at that age than run around with pot noodles or hot dogs.

When mine were a bit older we had to fit meals around swimming club and when we stopped that and ate together at home life felt far more balanced! I dont think snacks for tea is a great plan for regular eatinf.

Sorry but I think those numbers of activities aren’t an unreasonable amount, and the DC probably need some normality and continuity in this awful time of upheaval for them. OP, it must be tough.

I think this is quite a lot too, my DS is too young for activities just yet but I remember my mum ferrying me and my sister to activities most nights of the week around that age and it was too much really. We were eating crap on the go to save time on meals, she was stressed and then there was stress because homework wasn't getting done. It's lovely to give kids opportunities but you really do need to prioritise your sanity and stability too.

I'd ditch either dancing and football OR rainbows and brownies. Dancing and football is probably the fairest so that the loss of activity is equal. I know you children are fairly young but is this a conversation you could have with them in an age appropriate, non-judgemental way? Involve them in the decision so it doesn't seem so arbitrary?

@Nostrings457

It’s insightful how so many think that they’re not doing that much. I thought 2 or 3 activities a week was quite full on tbh - I know it wasn’t common when I was that age to do numerous activities.

Will plod on for now

I think they're doing a lot. I answered earlier with suggestions for how to reduce the amount of running about because I thought you wanted to keep them all up, but to be completely honest, if it was me, I'd drop a few things. One thing each a week, max, is plenty.

What matters most is a parent who is less stressed and tired, tbh.

I think they are all doing plenty rather than a standard/normal amount.

Also they are all out of the house for each others clubs too so some downtime will probably benefit the children too.

If they love brownies/rainbows i would look into lift share. If not too bothered I would drop those activities as it frees up two nights.

If it would make your life a bit easier then absolutely drop some clubs. Do not feel bad about it.

I wouldn't drop football if your youngest enjoys it. I'd drop the girls down to swimming and one other activity

This took me back! All the dashing around, trying to make sure everyone had the right kit etc.

It won’t be forever op. You’ve said the 6yo will soon be at brownies so that’s another day free and fingers crossed that a space will open up at swimming so they can all swim on the same day.
Can your xh do any drop offs/pick ups or is he completely checked out of parenting?

I don't think it is a really high number of activities but the issue is you have 3dc. I would drop one of the girls activities to bring it in line with the boy. I only have 1dc and they do competitive swimming and netball. They want to do another activity but Ive said no. They need downtime as do I. Ferrying dc around 3 evenings per week is enough for me thanks! Dc also has a play date usually one Afterschool per week and sometimes Afterschool club if I'm working late.

Your dc having a less stressed parent and more family/ down time is more beneficial than doing 3 activities instead of 2 imo.

Also worth pointing out that when I was doing activities every night as a kid my mum was a SAHM, so had the time to coordinate stuff. I'll be working full time or 80% FT throughout my kids childhood so no way will I also be running here and there every night. It'll be one activity for DS or two at a push if we can afford it and his father can take him.

Your mental health is the most important thing - NONE of that will be able to happen if it goes down the pan. If you have to cancel something to preserve your mental health - do it!
The kids will get over it. A healthy happy mum is THE most important thing. YOU are the most important thing in their lives not dancing or football etc.

I agree cancel brownies and rainbows, and have the dc all swim at the same time if possible?

Then you'd have

Mon - DC8 & DC6 dancing
Tues - nothing
Wed - nothing
Thurs - DC4 football
Fri - nothing
Sat - nothing
Sun - DC8, DC6 & DC4 swimming (non negotiable)

So they all have two activities each (dancing being handy as that's two in one, plus it'll be good exercise).

Calm youve siad it doesnt look a lit but said yourself you have 3 plus an afterschool.. that's 4 to OPs 11. Or 3 days to OPs 6! I think she really is doing a lot/too much and as you say should cut down a lot to get to something more manageable.