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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to do this to my kids

245 replies

Nostrings457 · 08/02/2022 23:04

Currently going through a break up. H not around to support. 3 DC who do the below activities, I’m working full time in a stressful job.

DC do the following, I feel like I need to cut down the after school stuff, but they all love what they do but it isn’t sustainable for my sanity. I just want to come home some days & not have to rush tea, get all 3 back out for drop off pick ups & fit reading / homework in somewhere in between. I don’t push any activities, it’s all stuff they have asked to do. I’d happily drop a few activities but feel like I’m letting them down for what will seem to them is just because I’m tired / can’t be bothered

Mon - DC8 & DC6 dancing
Tues - DC 8 Brownies
Wed - nothing
Thurs - DC4 football
Fri - DC6 rainbows
Sat - DC8 swimming (non-negotiable)
Sun - DC6 & DC4 swimming (non negotiable)

AIBU to cut down on some activities? Any ideas on how to approach with DC welcome

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 08/02/2022 23:35

I know yo u said H isn't around to support but is that short or long term? Will he be having the kids one night in the week or weekends etc long term? Will he be doing the running about for them on those nights?

Assuming he's not moved away and not seeing them I'd try and hang on. Currently Wednesday is free and soon Fridays will be. Make life as easy as possible on those nights.

Do the other kids go along and sit waiting whilst they do activities or do you drive back and forth? Is there any scope for mixing that up and using that time to do some reading and homework?

Def speak to other parents and keen on re swimming

SleepingStandingUp · 08/02/2022 23:36

I'm impressed they've the energy op, DS does 1. We did one on a Friday too and by the time we'd walked home and then walked to dancing and then did dancing and walked home it was just too much.

BoredZelda · 08/02/2022 23:53

The problem you have is, it’s an all or nothing for the weekday stuff. You can’t ask your son to give up football, or either of your girls to give up guiding. At a push I guess you could ditch the dance as it’s an extra activity the girls do, but the rest are one activity each.

episcomama · 09/02/2022 00:00

I actually thing they're doing a lot of activities. I think two each would be my max (I also have three kids).

DysmalRadius · 09/02/2022 00:16

Can you take homework and food with you so that they can eat in the car and the non participating ones can do their homework while the other one does their activity? A bag of pre-preared carrots, some chopped Cucumber, a packet of rolls and a pack of sliced ham /cheese could be a nutritionally complete meal that just needs to be thrown into a bag with minimal prep for example?

givethatbabyaname · 09/02/2022 00:31

At our school, advice is to only do one after-school activity per week. For your DC4, that would be football. The trouble is he has to be out of the house for his sisters.

The thing to aim for is a balance between downtime and learning/pleasure. Sitting in the car waiting around for siblings isn’t either of those thing. BUT it’s life.

Plodding along, doing what you can, feeling guilty, ageing faster than you thought you would - that’s all part of life. And you learn to love the bits in between. I have such happy memories of moment spent with my son waiting around to collect my daughter from this or that after school activity. Proper alone time that he relished. It sounds like you’ll have the opportunity to have that yourself with each of your children.

One contingency you must prepare for, however, is one of you being unwell. Whether it’s you or one of the DC, at these ages when none can be left home alone, if one is sick you’re all grounded really. So, do cultivate other parent friends. Offer lifts when you can; take offers of help. Lean on grandparents if possible (my DCs’ were all abroad but family support has been tremendous for local friends). And have a roster, if you can, for friends’ childminders or nannies or babysitters who you can call upon in real emergencies.

It’s a tough slog, but when you look back it seems to have flown by, and life is actually lived in this day-by-day rush.

Throwntothewolves · 09/02/2022 00:41

I'm not sure why everyone is telling you it's not that much, when that is exactly what your the problem is! Your life is full on and you're doing it all without the support of a partner, I wonder how many giving out 'advice' are actually in the same boat.

If I were you I would drop brownies and rainbows, freeing up two nights, or dancing, freeing up one night now, then another when DC6 starts brownies. I would let DC 4 continue with football, that way it is fair as they all have one 'chosen' activity each plus swimming, which I'd try to get on the same day as suggested. Lessons may be in demand but do they really want to lose payment for three kids' lessons in one go due to lack of flexibility?
Also try to lift share with others as that really helps everyone involved.
In among all this I'd try to find some time for you, you must give yourself a break sometime.

I only have one DC who does four things each week now after one got dropped for similar reasons. DH is often unwell and unable to help as a result so it's left to me to manage (as is working, but that's a whole other story!) Homework gets done if/when I can fit it in around work, activities, household stuff, etc. Since Covid happened and lockdown home learning, I've realised you can only do what you can manage, so it's about prioritising what is important each day and not destroying yourself to fit it all in. After all no one really cares if you don't have time to build a castle out of recycling bin materials for little Johnny's History project!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/02/2022 00:44

Could they just do one thing a week each until you get settled?

And why is your soon to be ex-DH not helping his children?

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 09/02/2022 00:48

I would ask the kids to pic their favourite; 1 each. With the promise that you'll reconsider next year.

Look, loads of kids grow up with zero and end up absolutely fine. The current obsession with filling every minute of the diary (I get you're trying to do the opposite!) isn't good imo. Kids need downtime so do adults. Don't feel guilty for slowing down life a little and letting them enjoy the littler things such as playdates, having a friend round for dinner, playing in the garden together.

You're important too, happy mum = happier household.

Next year, when the dust has settled on the breakup and childcare etc you can reconsider.

ChocolateMassacre · 09/02/2022 00:49

I'd drop the dancing and try to move the swimming during the week to keep weekends completely free.

Then I'd look around for a babysitter for 4yo on at least one night that his sisters have activities but he doesn't so you don't have to drag him out most days as well. Is there a nearby playground you could take him to for one of the other activities? Or do school reading etc.

For the older ones, take their school stuff so they can do homework/reading while 4yo is at football.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/02/2022 01:01

Swimming. If your pool offers crash courses maybe do that in hols and free up weekend - 5 consecutive days supposed to be better than 8 Weekly lessons or something like that.
Dancing my dd used to go to a dance holiday club at a local dance school - all styles 8.30 - 3.30 used to be fairly cheap. Alternative to a weekly class and good for childcare in hols.
I don’t think what they are doing is excessive it’s just there’s 1 of you and 3 children.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/02/2022 01:04

Also be mindful of waiting lists. Our brownies is full with a long wait list if you gave up a place you’d struggle to get another. Dancing classes are usually more plentiful and easier to pick up again.

Wafflesnsniffles · 09/02/2022 01:08

I would ditch Brownies and Rainbows tbh. Maybe find a local youth opportunity they can all go to together.

Have a read of this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4271810-Girlguides-is-it-a-lost-cause

MargaretThursday · 09/02/2022 01:09

Doesn't look a huge amount.

Mine would have dropped the swimming out of those if they'd had to choose.
I had one night which they all had a different activity in a different place. All worked well until one changed by 15 minutes Aagh!
I've only got 2 DC still at home but you don't want yo see my Saturdays!
They love it though.

RoseGoldEagle · 09/02/2022 01:17

I disagree with the majority, kids need downtime too and all that seems a lot when they’re all having to go to each other’s to wait as well. I’d drop Guides and Rainbows for now to free up those two days and let them chill out, be a bit bored even and learn to make their own fun.

Lessons may be in demand but do they really want to lose payment for three kids' lessons in one go due to lack of flexibility? If it’s anything like it is near us, they’ll simply fill those 3 places in 5 minutes- I’ve had DD on a waiting list for swimming lessons in 3 different pools for 6 months now, there’s huge demand!

Whatever you decide try not to feel guilty OP, you’re doing your best in a really tough situation

RainbowMum11 · 09/02/2022 01:18

Can you do lift shares for things like dancing,,Brownies & Rainbows & football?
I take 3 others plus my DD to brownies as I am going anyway and they have other younger children to look after and it's annoying for them with bedtimes etc.
I do only have the 1 child so it is easier for me in a lot of ways, but I also work too.

RainbowMum11 · 09/02/2022 01:21

Oh and, I'm sure you will find that many parents will be more than willing to help you out in emergencies etc when you can offer reciprocal help when needed too - it's important to have a network of other parents & friends who help and support each other too - for the kids as well as yourself.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/02/2022 01:27

Ditch swim lessons for younger 2 and take them in with you while eldest dc has Saturday class? Work on water confidence etc. Then once eldest can swim/goes with school get younger 2 in a class. Frees up Sunday.

StoppinBy · 09/02/2022 01:39

Wow, I am amazed that this is considered normal.

That is so busy.

Not sure exactly where you are but it's normal for a child to do 1 activity or no after school activities in my friends/school circle.

Currently my 4 year old has swimming lessons on Monday during the day and my 8 year old will possibly pick up gymnastics again once covid rules loosen up a bit but that is more than enough for our family.

NumberTheory · 09/02/2022 01:51

I don't think it's that much nowadays. But generally speaking, the older they are, the more they'll benefit from the activities. So if you're going to drop some, I'd look at the 4 and 6 year olds' first.

It gets easier as they get older and can do more for themselves but agree that finding parents to share pick up/drop off with is a great way to free time up.

mathanxiety · 09/02/2022 02:15

Start carpooling.

timeisnotaline · 09/02/2022 02:16

Everybody is right that it’s a reasonable amount, I’d put in a special plea to the swimming pool that my husband had left and if they could find a slot for the dc together that would help a lot, and see if you can get lifts. It would be hard to keep up on your own, have a word to them and explain some weeks we might miss a class/group - my dc6 is doing gymnastics, basketball and swimming but we missed gymnastics last week as I’ve just gone on mat leave and didn’t feel able to take him. Both dc do swimming at the same time on Saturday, I switched pools to get them a slot at the same time, the first pool was very close but never going to deliver getting them in at the same time.

Joenlivsmom · 09/02/2022 02:20

Has your ex offered to help at all? Can you talk to him to get him to help even if it’s just to pick them up and drop them off? It’s already a tough time for the kids and a change in routine might make them feel more unsettled, however, if you have no help or support it might be worth sitting them down and asking them what they would prefer to give up as you are unable to maintain all of them. Children are surprisingly mature and switched on if they are treated like they have a valid opinion xx

Brett239 · 09/02/2022 02:24

I don't see the issue? It's normal to have an activity each night and you even have a night off! You have hardly any overlap! I wish our schedule was this easy.

CheesePlantMurderer · 09/02/2022 02:33

Definitely try lift share. I have three and this was my life when they were younger. Two of them have flown the nest however my DC17 still has two evening activities and a weekend job so mum's taxi rolls on!