AIBU to do this to my kids

[Nostrings457]

Currently going through a break up. H not around to support. 3 DC who do the below activities, I’m working full time in a stressful job.

DC do the following, I feel like I need to cut down the after school stuff, but they all love what they do but it isn’t sustainable for my sanity. I just want to come home some days & not have to rush tea, get all 3 back out for drop off pick ups & fit reading / homework in somewhere in between. I don’t push any activities, it’s all stuff they have asked to do. I’d happily drop a few activities but feel like I’m letting them down for what will seem to them is just because I’m tired / can’t be bothered

Mon - DC8 & DC6 dancing
Tues - DC 8 Brownies
Wed - nothing
Thurs - DC4 football
Fri - DC6 rainbows
Sat - DC8 swimming (non-negotiable)
Sun - DC6 & DC4 swimming (non negotiable)

AIBU to cut down on some activities? Any ideas on how to approach with DC welcome

I was in the same boat when mine were younger. We only had a Wednesday when we could come home from school and not have an activity to get to. God did I love Wednesdays 😂 but I also refused to do activities on the weekend, I preferred a hectic week with the knowledge that the weekend was ours to do what we wanted with, and nothing to get up early for. I figure it’s only for a few years and then they start dropping stuff because it’s not cool anymore, so I’d grin and bear it.

@KiwiDramaQueen

This thread is kinda terrifying for a soon to be FTM!

All those saying it's not that much - when do you have time for YOU? See friends, have your own hobby, quality time with your partner or even just chilled time as a family?! I'm assuming you either don't work FT or have mostly sacrificed these things...

OP I'd drop brownies and rainbows, they're not skills based so could more easily be resumed again if circumstances change. Good luck!

Parents take their children to swimming lessons because it can save their lives, so it's not necessarily an activity the children are doing for fun. Then the children are doing one physical activity and rainbows/brownies, which you drop the children off at and collect a couple of hours later. It only looks a lot because the OP has 3 children and they all do different things at different times.

Brownies and Rainbows have massive waiting lists quite often.

OP in the short term if each kid misses one session per half term you could free up one extra day a week with minimal impact on each child’s engagement. But yeah- squeeze your ex to cough up for a nanny so you get some head space would be my ideal solution (obvs might not be possible)

@5thnonblonde

OP in the short term if each kid misses one session per half term you could free up one extra day a week with minimal impact on each child’s engagement. But yeah- squeeze your ex to cough up for a nanny so you get some head space would be my ideal solution (obvs might not be possible)

This is a good idea.

@KiwiDramaQueen Yes I think the same, I'm surprised at people saying it's normal. Growing up I did one organised activity at a time, like the OP my mum was a lone parent who worked full time. My friends also did one club, if that.
OPs schedule sounds full on and doesn't leave much time for unstructured play, which is really beneficial for children.
Thinking back, my happiest childhood memories are of the times when we were chilling in the house and making up games, or playing outside with my friends, or when my mum would take us to the big parks in the city. Not of the organised clubs. So I wouldn't feel guilty for dropping an activity, if it would free up time to spend together as a family or just time to relax.

I think that's a normal amount. The issue is the lack of another adult so that they all have to go. I'm also a SP with dad not involved so I had the same with 2 kids. The other always had to come but they love the activities and some things, if you don't a start young and keep up, you can't do later. Lift sharing is the key, or a reliable babysitter for the day the DS goes to football so the girls can stay home. It gets easier once they can be left at the activity or left at home for the short trip to drop one off.

This thread is kinda terrifying for a soon to be FTM!

It really doesn't have to be like this.
We don't really do any activities for the kids at this age. We sign our kids up for holiday clubs during the holidays where they do a bunch of stuff and it doubles up as childcare. We also do intensive 1-1 swimming in holidays. My DD reads and draws and plays outside with friends and goes to the library. We have days out as a family and go on trips. It's fine.

DS doesn't do any organised activities like this. Until Covid both DH and myself wouldn't get home from work until 6.30 at the earliest, more often 7pm.

Wondering if I'm a terrible parent now.

If you can do it, and the kids are happy, do it. If you feel it's too much for them and you, cut back. Honestly, your quality of family life and mental health are far more important than activities.

My 3 dc have always done a lot, so your schedule seems normal, but dh and I split it between us and can ferry them around, I'd have massively struggled to do it on my own. All three play sports to a fairly high level now, so it hasn't eased off but it's easier now they're older, I can leave whoever's not at the activity at home and I've reached the hallowed ground of being able to sit in my car and read a book instead of freezing my arse off pitchside BUT it's taken years to get here, and I've spent a long time juggling 3 kids and rainy sports commitments and getting pissed off about it. You're doing it on your own, so cut yourself some slack.

If your kids enjoy it, and you can see the benefits to them and you as a family, keep doing it, but if it's in any way detrimental to any of you, cut back. Life's too short and there are genuinely no prizes for how many hours you've spent sat on cold, dark sidelines/sewing Beavers badges to scarves etc etc (well, there are for your kids if they do well, but there's zero recognition for the parental taxi drivers and facilitators!)

@greenteafiend

This thread is kinda terrifying for a soon to be FTM!

It really doesn't have to be like this.
We don't really do any activities for the kids at this age. We sign our kids up for holiday clubs during the holidays where they do a bunch of stuff and it doubles up as childcare. We also do intensive 1-1 swimming in holidays. My DD reads and draws and plays outside with friends and goes to the library. We have days out as a family and go on trips. It's fine.

I agree with this.

Lots of children do no or very few activities. Most of them probably don't miss them.

But once you've started them, it's a bigger deal to tell them they have to give them up, because they're not just giving up the activity, but also potentially giving up friends etc. In things like dance they may be looking forward to the "big show" that is already being talked about for next year, or wondering if they will be asked to be a "Sixer" in Brownies.

I personally think the missing some weeks is more hard work for op as she’d have to email to apologise and then catch up on what was needed for next week. I’d drop activity completely in preference.
I have no idea of op’s finances. Or her H. One poster said it was factored into her settlement. The suggestions to pay for care were because I saw 2 single mums doing this successfully at DD’s primary - northern deprived town so not a London thing. Admittedly they both had professional jobs.

Thank you for the many varied replies.

I’m definitely not a competitive parent in terms of cramming as many activities in. They just all gradually came about and a few months ago this all worked fine.

Now I’m a SP, grieving for a marriage that I didn’t want to end and grieving for the future we had planned. I am working FT, DC go to breakfast club and after school club 4 days per week. (Finish at 5). All the midweek activities are between 6pm and 7.30pm. I don’t care about time for me to socialise / do hobbies. The DC and their needs are my priority. I want to have non structured down time with them, to be a happy mum not feeling completely overwhelmed & burnt out.

Thank you to the PP who empathised and pointed out what is really important for me to be available for emotional support.

(((((NoStrings))))) I am so sorry your ex was awful and can relate to needing to grieve what should have been.

I think with the age of your kids surely they are shattered after breakfast club/school/afterschool club? thats equivalent to 8 clubs a week already.

I'm tempted to stop all midweek clubs, pick them up at 5, get home and have dinner and let them play/watch a movie /play a game etc and bed. 7.30 is quite late for your younger ones to be out too.

Give them and yourself a break to regroup and reassess afrer the summer holidays!

They're not doing that much, you just have a lot of kids and still only 7 days in a week.

@gizacluethen thanks, really helpful

Ah, just seeing your update OP, re before and after school care. I think that changes a lot.

Personally, and I appreciate that this is an old-fashioned view, I think your children are far, far too young to be out of the house that long each day (meaning the longer school day PLUS after school activities), especially when their home life has been turned upside down.

I’m going to change my mind completely: Sunday should be a day of nothing at all. They can stay in their pyjamas all day.

Saturday morning, you do whatever it takes to get all three to whichever one or two activities they each want to do. Doesn’t matter if others have to wait in the car or watch. Just get it all in on a Saturday morning and let them follow their pursuits.

No more than ONE day during the week should your eldest two do something: both at the same time, both the same thing. Youngest will have to come.

The other four school nights are home, chill, dinner, TV, bed. This MUST include a Friday night after a long week.

Always amazed by how strong women can be. You’re doing a tremendous job thinking about this at this time. Take care of yourself too.

Yes breakfast club and after school club then activities most nights from 6-7.30pm is too much I think. Especially for the 4 year old. Sounds exhausting. They need down time too. Even if you weren’t a single parent I would think that was too long a day for a primary aged child.

breakfast club and after school club then activities most nights from 6-7.30pm is too much

Completely agree.

You’re all very busy! You all must be exhausted