AIBU to do this to my kids

[Nostrings457]

Currently going through a break up. H not around to support. 3 DC who do the below activities, I’m working full time in a stressful job.

DC do the following, I feel like I need to cut down the after school stuff, but they all love what they do but it isn’t sustainable for my sanity. I just want to come home some days & not have to rush tea, get all 3 back out for drop off pick ups & fit reading / homework in somewhere in between. I don’t push any activities, it’s all stuff they have asked to do. I’d happily drop a few activities but feel like I’m letting them down for what will seem to them is just because I’m tired / can’t be bothered

Mon - DC8 & DC6 dancing
Tues - DC 8 Brownies
Wed - nothing
Thurs - DC4 football
Fri - DC6 rainbows
Sat - DC8 swimming (non-negotiable)
Sun - DC6 & DC4 swimming (non negotiable)

AIBU to cut down on some activities? Any ideas on how to approach with DC welcome

TBH I dont think their activities are too much really .Also with going through their parents breaking up ,it would be better to keep things going if you can . Can you not ask other parents to share the drop offs? This will help them too.Can you invest in a Slow Cooker to maybe prepare meals in the mornings to come home to food .Some batch cooking?

I’d drop Brownies and Rainbows, but then I’ve never really seen the point of them. Can your son do dancing instead of football? Or the girls do football instead of dancing? There’s a lot of benefit in having the same activities!!!

I don’t understand the obsession with swimming lessons. The kids sit on the edge half the time while some person shouts instructions at them. Just take them swimming once a week and let them jump in and mess about. Much more fun for everyone (well, to be honest it’s still not fun for the parent).

Op I wouldn't feel guilty at all, cutting some activities, rather than put other parents in an awkward position by asking to do pick ups/drop offs for you, or running yourself ragged trying to do it all.

You could start a new tradition, have a movie night or game night, on one of the evenings you'd normally have at least one dc out at an activity/can't settle because of that.

And make sure you make time for you, and any hobbies or interests you have.

waitingin thecar How can she drop homework?! Scourge of most families ,but a necessary evil!

If the kids not doing the activity were able to be at home chilling it would be fine, but this is not the case. Being out 6 days out of 7 after school must be wearing everyone out.

I would drop the whole brownies and rainbows thing and I would also see if your eldest could drop the Saturday swimming, presumably she has got the basics now?

Could you and your eldest go for a swim while the younger two have their lesson? If not, perhaps focus on taking her in the holidays, or signing her up for a refresh course in the Easter or summer hols instead.

Then they have swimming and dancing/football each.

You are busy on only two weeknights and one weekend day.

If your kids really like the scouting/guides thing they can always get into it later - my DD has just started guides in Year 8 - so much better, now they are older, and such a good way for older girls to make a different friendship group and really learn leadership/planning/activities.

I tend to think Rainbows and Brownies are really just a bit of an extension of school - teacher led activities.

Just sending some solidarity to the other parents reading this who take their children to one activity a week (at best!) and are currently feeling completely inadequate...!

Really feel for you. I have 3, do all the lifts and until recently worked full time. Different things have felt manageable at different times.
Some things that have helped me:

• to give myself permission to miss the odd night if we were all tired and to prioritise eating properly and early nights
• dropped swimming weekly and did it on intensive courses during the holidays when they could all go together (I’d have one more go I think at seeing if I could get them all in the same slot at the weekend) . This made a massive difference and often the classes were much smaller in size and they made lots of progress
• look then at moving the dance to a weekend morning if it still feels too much over the week
• if they are in good quality guiding I would keep this as it won’t be long til they will be in brownies together and as they get older they get so many opportunities through it. But I would ask around for lift shares as this will make a massive difference. There’s bound to be someone else who would love to lift share and not have to do it all too
• slow cooker or easy teas (pasta pesto with peas etc; soup and sandwiches) on the busiest nights.
• it gets easier as they get older and you can leave one in the house and they can properly help sort their stuff/put pasta on etc
• much easier as it gets lighter/warmer in the evenings and you can hang out at a park with a coffee and a book/phone while whoever isn’t in a class plays etc

Try not to compare yourself to people in ‘easier’ situations. You are a great mum trying to make it work to get the balance between activities and relaxed family time

If you could team up with another Brownies/rainbows family, another Dancing family and another Fooball family who also go to the same school, could you make arrangements to take it in turns every other week to pick up from school, do tea, and, get all kids to the activity and deliver them home afterwards? Then once a fortnight you get a somewhat more stressful evening but once a fortnight you get a significantly less stressful evening. Would that help?

@Delatron

It looks like a lot to me. And those who claim it is normal, as *@MiddleParking* pointed out are not saying ‘I’m also a single mum with 3 kids who works full time -that looks like a breeze to me’

Because they’re not. They’ll be part time/not working/DH helps out/2 kids not 3. Mumsnet at its finest when it gets down to competitive activity scheduling for their children. Very much a middle class and recent issue. Didn’t happen in the 80s!

Anyone else’s mother bust a gut every night ferrying them to multiple activities? Mine didn’t.

Sounds awful and stressful OP and I couldn’t do it. Hats off to you for struggling on but your mental health is important too. You can’t run yourself in to the ground.

We ditched swimming. I did an intensive course one week over the summer when they were about 6/7. Could swim well after that. Both are now very strong swimmers at 11/13 and do open water swimming and triathlons. Didn’t do them any harm and saved me many evenings sat watching them waiting for their turn to swim half a length across a pool aged 5/6. They learn to swim at their own pace.

Or ditch brownies and rainbows. This will do them no harm. Children need downtime too.

Don’t get sucked in to the competitive parenting on here. They are not in your situation. I have no idea how you do it all.

Totally agree with this! They could do a Summer swim camp. Rainbows and Brownies I would keep as mine loved it and then went to Guides. All the scheduling of children is shocking. Do they ever get any rest?

Yeah we have that amount. 4 dc (one a baby), and dc 11 does one night tutoring, one night netball, one night hockey, one night football, one night drama, Saturdays ballet and swimming. Dc8 does one night netball, one night football, one night drama, Saturdays brownies and swimming, and dc6 just does swimming and ballet on Saturdays

Tbh they love it!! And they play plenty on Sundays and Saturday afternoons. It’s not too much as a lot of their activities are at school so I pick them up at the same time and the two little ones don’t mind coming with. It’s only a 10 minute round trip. If the kids like their activities then you should keep them on really. Just give them quick dinners - bagels with cream cheese, pesto pasta, beans on toast, omelette. That’s what I do!!

If anything I'd cut the Brownies and Rainbows, but unless you're absolutely desperate, try to persevere. If Dad has moved out, routine and structure will be good for them.

It also gives you the space away from them for a few hours.

If DC moves up in less than six months you've already got Fridays back. I would contact the leisure centre and get their names down for classes on the same day as soon as they become available.

I would stick with the activities you have if they are all keen to do them (please don't stop football for your son, it's amazing how important team sport and bonding can be for boys), but explore the lift sharing etc. However, I would also point out to the kids that although they are signed up for these activities they don't have to attend every week. If you need some down time, they can each miss one session of something per half term to give you some extra free nights.

Stunned at the number of posters saying 3 activities per week is 'not much'

…I don’t work and I’m not a single parent though. So that makes it loads easier. If it’s stressing you out loads then just drop a few.

Hey OP I was a single parent and I feel your pain!

Im my divorce settlement my ExH was tasked with paying half of all childcare so my career wasn’t unduly burdened- if you could get something like this in place and then arrange a childminder or nanny to do one or two weeknights that would free you up immensely and your ExH is likely to see the benefit too as he will obv be doing running about on his contact time.

Is there a waiting list for dancing/football/guiding? Would it be possible for you to drop out of one or two for a term to give yourself respite or would they lose their spots entirely? In the mean time you could arrange a lift share/nanny etc.

If they’re having a decent school dinner you can give them a basic dinner- something ‘on toast’ or have jackets in the oven. I used to use the slow cooker a lot- you could have chilli in there and just get wraps and cheese out.

It is incredibly draining running them all about especially when you’re coming back to an empty house.

I think you'd be better off dropping an activity altogether, than the added stress of having to pick up/drop off someone else's dc (and sods law means the parents that agree, will probably live the furthest away, or some other inconvenience will crop up). Then there's remembering to do this when it's your turn, and keeping track of whose turn it is when. I think if you had that for multiple activities, the stress would be immense, and being a single parent is stressful enough.

As a pp said, the dc need a content mum, more than they need a stressed mum, and an hour and a half a week doing crafts or whatever.

They are not doing a lot of activities each, it is just you have 3dc. Your h could do some weekend drop off and collections with swimming. Does he never want to watch them do their activities? He sounds useless. My DC does Tuesday karate 2 hours, Thursday swimming 1 hour, Friday cricket 1 1/2 hours, Saturday cricket 1 hour, Sunday cricket 2 hours + swimming 1 hour. In summer it gets hectic with 2 or 3 cricket matches and swim galas added to the mix. As they get older they will want to do more. I think it is good for continuity as much else is changing in their lives. I think you need to chat to stbxh and get him to do more tbh. Why should your kids suffer because of him?

Oh and my DC do swimming, dance and brownies. I do see swim as not optional but I do regularly ask them if they want to drop anything and they always say no. I’ve told them if they wanted to do anything else they’d have to drop. Their activities all coincide with days their dad has them on his time so I do week on/week off if you see what I mean.

I don't see the issue? It's normal to have an activity each night and you even have a night off! You have hardly any overlap! I wish our schedule was this easy.

Well whose fault is it if you've put too much on your plate?

Presumably the op was coping before her marriage broke down.

My life is easier for two children of the same sex with a close age gap so their swimming stages tend to be timetabled close together (1.5 stages apart), or often the same class/ stage like their Karate. Only our swimming is a significant drive which cuts the time, Karate and football are easier for being a 5 minute walk.

It's awkward as it depends on what opportunities are in your area.

My county started remote Guiding in 2020, partly to mop up girls who didn't have local units continuing, but also as a permanent project to suit girls in under/ over subscribed areas, remote parts of the county, timing issues or just happy to work independently. Locally we also have a Brownie and Guide unit that run one Saturday a month on a longer session which eases weekday congestion/ tiredness.

I've just lost my Wednesday free for the next two years as DS1 moves up to Scouts and away from Cubs night. Still at Cubs night for the next two years with DS2.

It is now easier that I don't have to lug DS1 out for everything. Because we have local activities, I'm happy to leave him while DS2 does his football locally, that was from the summer of 10.5 and it's a short walk that DS1 could do himself.

If there isn't scope for changes, it helps to focus on the short term. I had a horrid phase on swimming night of a 4pm lesson and a 5:30pm lesson which took from school pick-up until 6:15 in total and just could not get stages 2&4 to work together. Pre-pandemic, I realised that there was a "family float fun" so DS1 and I would have a fun swim for an hour, DS2 would join us, then there was just 30 mins dead time where DS2 and I showered. More annoying in 2020 when we had to loiter in the car! Fortunately after a few months, they moved into more compatible slots that are easier to manage, and will now be back to back or overlapping for a while. Viewing it as a temporary phase (e.g. Rainbows/ Brownies) does help to keep it going.

Whatever you do, do it fairly for all the children. I don't mean treat the same, but fair.

Be fair on you too. The thing about being a single parent is there’s no one else looking out for you and your needs so you do need to check in on those occasionally.

As individuals they are not really doing much each. week. Its just alot for you to manage.

I would try to keep it going if they are super keen on these activities. If they drop them now they won't pick them back up again and that would be a real shame.

Does the 4 year old need to to football now? Its quite young. Would he happily drop it for a couple of years then pick it up?

It may be that once the swimming up to standard they may choose to drop that?

@OutlookStalking I don't really count the Afterschool as I don't have to do anything. Just pick up from like I would at 3pm.