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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to do this to my kids

245 replies

Nostrings457 · 08/02/2022 23:04

Currently going through a break up. H not around to support. 3 DC who do the below activities, I’m working full time in a stressful job.

DC do the following, I feel like I need to cut down the after school stuff, but they all love what they do but it isn’t sustainable for my sanity. I just want to come home some days & not have to rush tea, get all 3 back out for drop off pick ups & fit reading / homework in somewhere in between. I don’t push any activities, it’s all stuff they have asked to do. I’d happily drop a few activities but feel like I’m letting them down for what will seem to them is just because I’m tired / can’t be bothered

Mon - DC8 & DC6 dancing
Tues - DC 8 Brownies
Wed - nothing
Thurs - DC4 football
Fri - DC6 rainbows
Sat - DC8 swimming (non-negotiable)
Sun - DC6 & DC4 swimming (non negotiable)

AIBU to cut down on some activities? Any ideas on how to approach with DC welcome

OP posts:
Whichcatthatcat · 09/02/2022 07:39

I think 2 a week each is fine. Keep swimming, and football, and ask your other dc which they would prefer to keep for now.

More can be picked up as they get older if they want to, and if you can find time.

RedskyThisNight · 09/02/2022 07:40

one child doing 2-3 activities in a week is normal. Your issues are

  • you have 3 children (clearly can't do anything about this :)
  • the clubs are all on different days. Can you move any? One or 2 more free days will make all the difference.
  • all the clubs involve running around. Are there any clubs they can do at school instead? Can you use a childminder who will take them to clubs while you are at work?
  • you work full time as well. I'd like to bet that most of the people on this thread who say it's normal are not working full time and have a longer afternoon/evening. Is there any chance of tweaking hours so, say, you do some longer days and some shorter days?
SuPerDoPer · 09/02/2022 07:40

It also feels a lot more doable in the summer so you aren't shuffling kids around in the dark and the rain and the child that isn't doing the activity can play outside. My DS likes to kick a ball around or climb trees while DD is dancing and I use that time to hang out with him. DD and I sit and chat and read together while DS is playing football. As a single parent sometimes it's the only alone time they get with me. So if you are inclined to plod on it might seem a lot less stressful after Easter.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 09/02/2022 07:40

Are there any school clubs they could instead, that take place during or just before/after the school day? My two have got to try a lot of different stuff this way, and it makes my life slightly easier if it's an after-school club as I get a bit of extra time before pick up.

(We tend to give the pre-school clubs a miss tbh!)

littleowls83 · 09/02/2022 07:41

I would say it's normal to be doing that amount if you are working part time/ flexible hours and are collecting after school most days, not if they are in after school club ever day. My kids are 7 and 10 and would be exhausted with that schedule. I agree with trying to consolidate swimming or drop it in favour of intensive courses in the school holidays.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 09/02/2022 07:44

This may indeed be typical for many families, but you are doing a grand job to facilitate (and pay) for all of this.

I agree with PP who say you should do your best keep it up though, as they are all great for your kids' development and enjoyment. I also agree with PP who suggest cutting time on food prep. Beans on toast with fruit for pudding, cheesy pasta, banana sandwich etc

I'd also make attendance at the activities conditional on your children pulling their weight around the house i.e hang up uniform, empty and stack plates, pick up after themselves, swim gear straight into washing machine upon returning to the house etc

DietrichandDiMaggio · 09/02/2022 08:00

Those saying it's a lot are not looking it per child; an 8 year old going to dancing and brownies and a (presumably 30-minute) swimming lesson is not excessive. If I was going to drop any it would be the 4 yo's activities, as they are less important at that age.

MiddleParking · 09/02/2022 08:04

I notice none of the people saying this looks normal/easy are adding “I, myself, do this number of activities across different days as a full time working single parent with three kids and no input from my ex”. It looks bloody exhausting for all of you to me. The best suggestion is probably to try and organise car sharing with parents of only children in each class (since you’ll have to offer to fit their child with you and your three in, presumably, a five-seater car 50% of the time). I would try my hardest not to cancel their clubs while you’re divorcing if I could avoid it, even though I know that’s so unfair on you that your ex is taking absolutely no responsibility. I’d also stick particularly massive pins in a voodoo doll of him for leaving you with this schedule with three children and being happy to run you into the ground and/or disappoint them rather than take his fair share of parenting. Wanker.

Staryflight445 · 09/02/2022 08:06

I’m surprised by the comments saying this isn’t a lot?

Where do you all live to manage such timetables? There’s not much available here for our disposal at all.

Keepitonthedownlow · 09/02/2022 08:09

I'd drop brownies and rainbows until they can both go same day.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 09/02/2022 08:11

Basically, if you are a single parent, and don't have anyone else to do lifts, the most important thing to do is to cut it all down so that YOU can manage. You being tired, exhausted, snappy, feeling overwhelmed by your 6 days a week taxi service plus to and from school plus all the emotional support three kids need...just don't do it to yourself, let alone them.

Personally, faced with this schedule I would do absolute maximum swimming one day a week for all (and if 6 year old has to stop for a while so be it) and one extra and let them choose.

That would be it

There's no point people with ample support or more energy than you telling you that they would do all of this- good for them. I am a single parent and I prioritise working f/t in a good job so we have a good standard of living, drive/taxi for the teens to places that are hard to reach or are at more risky times (e.g. later at night, after dark, party in middle of nowhere) and that's it.

That would still be 3/4 days of extra driving around.

You have to have a functioning household as a single parent and you doing too much trying to replicate a two parent household or someone with lots of friends giving lifts or whatever is not helpful.

Everyone needing lifts is one of the most stressful parts of being on your own, everyone 'shares' lifts by taking your kids one way if you take them the other, which is helpful but overlooks the fact it is always you taking one way whereas often the other way is shared by the parents! So even in a lift share scenario you get knackered!

MrsLargeEmbodied · 09/02/2022 08:14

so in 6 months tuesdays will be free, as well as wednesdays
i wouldnt drop the swimming as they are weekends anyway
just drop the football then that day will be free too

do they see the same children at brownies that they do at school? or different? i would be loathe to give that up personally as it is inexpensive

Howeverdoyouneedme · 09/02/2022 08:15

Also surprised by those saying it’s not a lot!? My three children don’t do any additional activities at the moment, there’s nothing they want to do and I’m going to do intensive swimming in the holidays. Maybe drop swimming for now or drop dancing.

Chely · 09/02/2022 08:17

Kids don't need clubs and activities. Cut it back as much as it suits you, once they are high school age and can make their own way they can crack on with as many as they like.

ReturnOfTheBlackSheep · 09/02/2022 08:17

As a short term solution, is there a relative (even MIL/FIL) who would take your 8 year old to her swim class? Or a babysitter? That would free up one of your days and make a huge difference to you, even if it's every other week.
I'd also speak to the swim school and explain your situation. Ask if you had to chose one day to stop, which DC they'd recommend has a break until they can all have swimming at the same time.

Next, I'd look at football. Could you switch to a intensive course during the holidays? Could you persuade DD's to give up dancing and all do football if they would all have it at the same time?

DoNotGetADog · 09/02/2022 08:17

I’d drop Brownies and Rainbows then you’ll get two more nights free. I think they’re pretty pointless anyway.

greenteafiend · 09/02/2022 08:18

So many people on Mumsnet seem to be into an endless dripfeed of swimming lessons that goes on for years and years and years. How good are the older two? I hate being overcommitted, so we just put our daughter in for a few intensive one-on-one lessons a handful of times a year. It works out about the same price and they learn about the same amount, as it's very intensive. And pretty soon we'll stop doing these--just swim together as a family sometimes.

I would sort the swimming that way, so that you only do lessons during the odd weekend or holiday. And then for the rest, make them choose ONE activity each. If the younger one will move up to Brownies soon, that will end up being just one evening a week. If it is going to be a long time before that happens, I'd do the dancing instead.

greenteafiend · 09/02/2022 08:19

Basically, if you are a single parent, and don't have anyone else to do lifts, the most important thing to do is to cut it all down so that YOU can manage. You being tired, exhausted, snappy, feeling overwhelmed by your 6 days a week taxi service plus to and from school plus all the emotional support three kids need...just don't do it to yourself, let alone them.

This. What your kids need more than anything else is a parent who is present, happy and not worn out and resentful. Set your boundaries clearly and ignore the people on here saying "Oh, that doesn't seem like much to me!" Being a single parent to three young kids sound beyond exhausting to me.

greenteafiend · 09/02/2022 08:23

One other thought, but if you want your kids to have a variety of experiences, cutting out activities in term time would free up a lot of money for spending on more exciting summer holiday club childcare during the holidays instead--which would be much easier to manage, as it would be a case of taking them to one holiday childcare camp each day.

themental · 09/02/2022 08:30

I don't see the issue? It's normal to have an activity each night and you even have a night off! You have hardly any overlap! I wish our schedule was this easy.

It's absolutely not normal Confused when do the kids get to just go out and play with their friends at the local park?

As a single parent when I worked full time they did 0 activities.

When I reduced my hours they did 1.

Activities every night of the week is madness to me - especially if they're 8+. They should be at the park unsupervised not managed and ferried from place to place.

Rosebel · 09/02/2022 08:33

I would ask Brownies if youngest daughter can start early but I'm not sure if they would allow it. No harm in asking though. It would also give you an extra day where you might be able to get therm all swimming lessons together.
When I was working full time we used to do reading at bedtime, spellings and x tables on the way to school. I don't know how much homework your children get but I'm pretty sure school can't enforce it at this age (but that might not be right).

SmorgasBorb · 09/02/2022 08:35

Dump the Brownies and Rainbows. It's dull as shit anyway. Tell them the venue burned down like my mum did in the 80's when she couldn't be arsed with it.

We used to walk past said venue everyday and I was quite aware it was intact. I called her out on it and she was quite open about the fact that she couldn't be arsed taking me anymore given I had dancing classes too. I was quite small but I remembered being quite relieved about not having to do earnest things in a chilly church hall while dressed like a gnome.

AngelinaFibres · 09/02/2022 08:38

@arethereanyleftatall

For almost all my dc activities, I tag team with friends who live nearby and atttend same activity. One takes, one picks up.
I was a single mum of 2 boys with an ex husband who wasn't involved. I did the tag team thing with other parents. One week they took to cubs /scouts the next week I did. Swimming was also non negotiable for me and the confidence and skills that it has given has opened so many doors for them. I used to fall asleep in the, very warm, spectators area every Friday because I was so shattered. We met my parents afterwards for fish and chips. It was a highlight of the week. Beans on toast is also fine, as are picnics in the summer. I was a Primary school teacher for 20 years. Homework in year 6 fine. Homework in any other year us just a performance by the school. It is totally pointless and causes unnecessary hassle to parents and children. Read real books, talk, look at things around you . Those are the things that matter , not colouring in some silly thing that no one will even look at.
namechange30455 · 09/02/2022 08:41

Do they want to do swimming? I know you've said its non negotiable but I'd probably cut it for you now to free the weekend up if you're struggling.

girlmom21 · 09/02/2022 08:42

@MrsLargeEmbodied

so in 6 months tuesdays will be free, as well as wednesdays i wouldnt drop the swimming as they are weekends anyway just drop the football then that day will be free too

do they see the same children at brownies that they do at school? or different? i would be loathe to give that up personally as it is inexpensive

Why are you so insistent on cancelling football? You've said it a couple of times now. Why should DS not have an activity he enjoys while the girls carry on with dancing and rainbows and brownies (which are boring and pointless hence being inexpensive)