AIBU to do this to my kids

[Nostrings457]

Currently going through a break up. H not around to support. 3 DC who do the below activities, I’m working full time in a stressful job.

DC do the following, I feel like I need to cut down the after school stuff, but they all love what they do but it isn’t sustainable for my sanity. I just want to come home some days & not have to rush tea, get all 3 back out for drop off pick ups & fit reading / homework in somewhere in between. I don’t push any activities, it’s all stuff they have asked to do. I’d happily drop a few activities but feel like I’m letting them down for what will seem to them is just because I’m tired / can’t be bothered

Mon - DC8 & DC6 dancing
Tues - DC 8 Brownies
Wed - nothing
Thurs - DC4 football
Fri - DC6 rainbows
Sat - DC8 swimming (non-negotiable)
Sun - DC6 & DC4 swimming (non negotiable)

AIBU to cut down on some activities? Any ideas on how to approach with DC welcome

That is a lot of activities and your mental health is much more important than all this competitive 'They must do 2 sports and a non sport' malarkey. They won't be doing any of it if you implode under the pressure.

Personally, I'd drop brownies and rainbows and keep them in the dancing / football / swimming. This will free you up some time to breathe and also let them rest.

This is coming from a single parent who has experienced the burnout of trying to keep everything the same as it was before.

@SoItWas that's why I think people who aren't full time working parents with no other pair of hands don't get it- taking other people's children in a lift share when you already have three kids of your own, work, and might be exhausted or ill is just another burden.

The most important things to me in a children's childhood are a) having a happy mother who is as mentally well as they can be b) eating good nutritious food (there was a paper that came out yesterday that showed eating lentils, porridge and veggies and dropping processed meats can add 13 years on your life! it's hardly worth giving them a quick hot dog so you can get to ballet!) and c) emotional availability of the parents to really listen and respond to their kids.

The quantity of activities, beyond learning to swim as a skill (which can be done in holidays) is not relevant to the above, and if the above is affected by the constant ferrying and business, it's just not worth it.

Well yes @Peanutbuttercupisyum you pipe up saying ‘we have that amount and it’s fine’.

Then in the next post admit you don’t work and are not a single parent. Therefore a completely different situation. As it is for all those chipping in unhelpfully saying ‘we do that, it’s not that much blah blah’.

Are you all so shortsighted/lacking in empathy that you can’t imagine how immeasurably harder it would be to do all those activities whilst holding down a full time job with no DH? Most of you probably have only 2 kids too..

It’s completely irrelevant that your children do that many activities. You are in a completely different situation.

Drop Brownies & Rainbows
Keep the sports

This thread is giving me the rage. How are people so lacking in empathy and in the ability to understand that different lives mean the same workload may be more or less stressful.

OP go ahead and drop whatever you need to drop to make life workable for you. You are a person too and it’s ok to prioritise your stress levels and happiness over a dance class for a 6yo, particularly at what sounds like a difficult time.

Drop something. Hang out with your kids that evening if that feels fun. Don’t hang out with them and recharge instead if you need to. Feel no guilt. It will do them no harm at all to see you practice some self care.

I also found using the time when they are in activities wisely makes a difference. Dance you are normally stuck in a waiting room - do online shop and food planning, football, do some exercise even if its just walking round the pitch while watching with ear buds in with spotify and podcasts if feeling really virtuous, swimming - is there a fitness class or do you have to be present? But again use to do life admin??

When we are in emotional upheaval all these things feel like a bit too much, but if we can rationalise and use the time windows we have it can feel better.

I like the home disco idea, and it could be used to encourage good behaviour and bed time in the week so a reward type of thing (which also takes the pressure off you).

So long as there is no abuse involved, I would also be encouraging their Father to have involvement - perhaps doing the swim thing freeing up some time for you at the weekend, although if you are anything like me this is when you would squeeze the cleaning in lol

Not sure how finances are but my DD’s friend in primary had an after school carer she was £10 cash an hour (was 6 years ago in north). Friends mum was a single parent doctor. Another busy school mum has a retired lady in same role - sort of a paid grandma type.
Type of job might appeal to a student or retired person. Obviously they need to drive. But it was an easy job - pick well behaved child from school drive her to activity, sit in cafe and then drive child home.

If you are happy that your children all have good friendship groups and social skills just keep the sports - dropping the Brownies and Rainbows .

Left field suggestion but would be the dancers be interested in switching to football ? Girls football is very much promoted near us . Though future away matches can get hard work.

Also should say that you being mentally available to the kids to talk and help with homework is much more important than keeping all the activity balls in the air .

If it isn't sustainable, it isn't sustainable. Just honestly state that to your children. I have been in a similar position and had to tell my 6 year old he could no longer go to an activity, but had to go to afterschool care instead, as the latter was open longer and was cheaper. You will know the approach your children respond to best but, fwiw, I have found that, for us, just being factual is the best approach - state what is happening and why, then leave it at that. e.g. Everyone is going to have to cut out 1 activity per week, as I can't continue driving everyone to/from this many places every week.

As some of the posters above have said, the most important thing is having a (relatively!) happy and healthy mum. You may find the times you have together are more enjoyable if you're less tired because you've cut down on some of the things wearing you out, like ferrying the kids to multiple activities.

I think a lot of the people saying it’s not much are maybe misreading that you’re working full time as well so these clubs must be late - post 6pm? It is too much to have everyone out of the house til 7/8 at night 4 school nights a week, in my opinion, at those ages.

My kids do all their activities before 6pm - swimming/ gymnastics/ after school clubs for French and maths. Mostly at school, but swimming is outside. It means when I finish work, we can all spend some family time together/ play board games/ watch tv which I prefer. I do want them to have enjoyable activities, but I also feel like it’s important to learn to just be too.

I’m saddened that rainbows and brownies are being seen as dropped in favour of sports. These offer so much to young girls.

What do they do at ASC?

I do think Scouting has been the most valuable of my DDs activities (and indeed its the one that has helped DH in his career, and they support him as a leader). But at the younger age it could be similar to what they do at ASC.

This thread is kinda terrifying for a soon to be FTM!

All those saying it's not that much - when do you have time for YOU? See friends, have your own hobby, quality time with your partner or even just chilled time as a family?! I'm assuming you either don't work FT or have mostly sacrificed these things...

OP I'd drop brownies and rainbows, they're not skills based so could more easily be resumed again if circumstances change. Good luck!

@Ladywinesalot

Drop Brownies & Rainbows Keep the sports

Drop the sports Keep Brownies and Rainbows

If it isn't sustainable, it isn't sustainable. Just honestly state that to your children. I have been in a similar position and had to tell my 6 year old he could no longer go to an activity, but had to go to afterschool care instead, as the latter was open longer and was cheaper. You will know the approach your children respond to best but, fwiw, I have found that, for us, just being factual is the best approach - state what is happening and why, then leave it at that. e.g. Everyone is going to have to cut out 1 activity per week, as I can't continue driving everyone to/from this many places every week.

Did you explain all this to your 6 year old just as you were going through a break up with your partner?

I get that it must be really hard for OP, and something has to give, but right now, in times of upheaval for these young children, I’d have thought also taking away things they love to do is going to really impact on them. Trying to find a way to keep them would be my preference in OP’s position. Taking them away would be my last resort.

Cut out brownies and rainbows.

All those saying it's not that much - when do you have time for YOU? See friends, have your own hobby, quality time with your partner or even just chilled time as a family?! I'm assuming you either don't work FT or have mostly sacrificed these things...

When they are off to Uni.

It’s a choice people make.

OP I'd drop brownies and rainbows, they're not skills based so could more easily be resumed again if circumstances change.

I’d stop sports. The skills they give are not life skills and sports can be taken up at any time of life.

I'd try to stick it out until DC6 turns 7 and leaves rainbows for brownies, freeing up fridays.

Meanwhile I'd tell the kids that thery have reached peak- activities, and if they want to start any new ones, they must decide which old one to give up. But that there must always be two regular evenings every week, when they all stay home.

Those two evenings are YOURS. If you want to go out for some me-time/hobby/adult activity, get a baby sitter and go.

I would also consider picking another RELIABLE attending parent to share the pickup/drop offs with. IME, if you find someone conven iently close, fair, reliable, those arrangements can work perfectly for years and save so much hassle. Just don't get lumbered with some chaotic CF looking for a free child taxi.

If all else fails, the activity is walking distance, and you can afford it, consider paying a reliable local teenager you know and can trust. Even if they just walked the older 2 to dancing, and you still picked up after, it would take some pressure off your Monday evening.

@BoredZelda

OP I'd drop brownies and rainbows, they're not skills based so could more easily be resumed again if circumstances change.

I’d stop sports. The skills they give are not life skills and sports can be taken up at any time of life.

Brownies/rainbows and sports all develop social skills and physical fitness ; I think they are really important for children.

At that age they are developing the social skills and growing the bones, muscles and health that will set them up for adulthood and last a lifetime.

I have no good memories of brownies as a child - isn’t essentially just more school? I would ditch the brownies and rainbows - every child gets 2 activities that way and it’s more fair!

That sounds like a lot of activities to me! I know you’ve said that swimming is non negotiable but I would drop the swimming lessons. I would also drop the football lessons for your youngest. Swimming and football courses can be done during school holidays instead.

Are they bothered about doing the clubs? If not then I think you can safely ditch them if it’s going to cause extra stress at an already stressful time. I just had a mega cull of clubs that weren’t adding much value and were adding stress logistically. They can always pick stuff up again further down the line

BoredZelda Me too. The brownies here do so much - games, crafts, activities, trips it’s not just colouring in a church hall.
For 2 girls going through a difficult time (divorce, possibly dad disappearing) it can be a real lifeline. I’m a guide not brownie leader but the girls talk to us and we have time for them in a way other activities don’t.
If I had my time over I’d ditch the swim lessons that go on for years. I’m not convinced the weekly leisure centre ones benefit anyone. Wait till they are old enough and do an intense course.
At end if day you can only do what you can. You know best what they enjoy. It’s not set in stone. Drop some things, they can always do again later or different activities later.