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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to do this to my kids

245 replies

Nostrings457 · 08/02/2022 23:04

Currently going through a break up. H not around to support. 3 DC who do the below activities, I’m working full time in a stressful job.

DC do the following, I feel like I need to cut down the after school stuff, but they all love what they do but it isn’t sustainable for my sanity. I just want to come home some days & not have to rush tea, get all 3 back out for drop off pick ups & fit reading / homework in somewhere in between. I don’t push any activities, it’s all stuff they have asked to do. I’d happily drop a few activities but feel like I’m letting them down for what will seem to them is just because I’m tired / can’t be bothered

Mon - DC8 & DC6 dancing
Tues - DC 8 Brownies
Wed - nothing
Thurs - DC4 football
Fri - DC6 rainbows
Sat - DC8 swimming (non-negotiable)
Sun - DC6 & DC4 swimming (non negotiable)

AIBU to cut down on some activities? Any ideas on how to approach with DC welcome

OP posts:
CookPassBabtridge · 09/02/2022 02:36

Shocked how many people saying it's not much, I think the opposite.. it's too much!

Anoooshka · 09/02/2022 02:52

Could they do an online dance class from home? Then at least you wouldn't have to go out.

Hesma · 09/02/2022 03:03

It sounds like a stressful time for them too… please don’t punish them by taking away their activities. Move swimming to same day for all, organise lift shares, get a slow cooker

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 09/02/2022 03:25

i would drop swimming lessons.... v time consuming. Swiming can be learned intensively in a week if you can get a holiday in the next couple of years somewhere with a pool. Or at a holiday camp when you are workign in the holidays.

zoemum2006 · 09/02/2022 03:29

This is nuts!!! You work full time with three children and no husband??? I’d literally do zero clubs (actually I’d just do swimming at the weekend).

Clubs are a nice extra - not another millstone to hang round an exhausted mothers neck.

Suzi888 · 09/02/2022 03:30

Well… I’m glad I’m not doing all that, no wonder your exhausted. DD does dancing, that’s it.
Between homework and family visits, plus weekend activities we couldn’t fit anything else in!

wildseas · 09/02/2022 03:51

The first few months of single parenting are the hardest, and then it gets easier so if you can keep on going there will be light at the end!

I agree with people saying work on consolidating - all 3 swimming at the same time, both girls in brownies.

I would also look at the feasibility of booking dc4 into dance on Monday so that you can drop all 3 at the same place /time.

Also see if you can find someone to do drop off and pickup of any of the clubs with just 1 child in. It’s easiest to get a lift for 1 and i think most people would help out knowing that you’ve just split. Even if someone would do a regular lift to rainbows for you just until she goes to brownies that would help.

whiteroseredrose · 09/02/2022 04:04

In terms of activities per child that sounds reasonable.

I'd definitely ask about car sharing. Either one family takes and the other brings back or one week on, one week off. It really is a win win.

SherryPalmer · 09/02/2022 04:20

I can understand your reluctance to ask them to give anything up when they are already going through a lot of change. Do they have school dinners? If they are having a hot meal at lunch I would switch to picnic tea on the weekdays they have clubs.

Three kids does mean clubs are a logistical nightmare. We pay for extra help after school (I guess the UK equivalent would be an au pair) but appreciate this is very privileged.

Yearofthetygerburningbright · 09/02/2022 04:27

Definitely too much for you as the parent and for you all as a family right now, and definitely fine to cut back for a while. Just stop most or all things at Easter and tell them that you are going to spend the summer playing outside, going on trips, having playdates, doing hobbies and playing games at home, and so on. Then you can decide what, and when, to add back in when you are ready, from September or 2023+. Preferably not quite as much!

This excessive early rota of many activities is a recent fad in some circles. But isn't universal and not doing it won't spoil their life chances. And stepping stones such as adding an extra activity or extra session at older ages could also help you, so that at 5 you do one, at 7 you do 2, at 9 or 10 you can do 3 if you want, etc.

Even swimming can be stopped for a little while, and I'm not convinced that most children of 4 or even 6 get that much from these 30 minute weekly lessons. In some places the environment with lots of people getting changed and younger siblings everywhere and the whole rush of the thing can be stressful for some children. Another option is week long holiday swimming courses with some visits a few times a term to splash about and have fun. One of my children did much better with this over the course of a year and then went into the weekly classes for skills development at an older age when they could manage the changing and general hurly-burly much better, and the lessons were more about refining skills than learning not to drown.

labyrinthlaziness · 09/02/2022 04:44

@Nostrings457

It’s insightful how so many think that they’re not doing that much. I thought 2 or 3 activities a week was quite full on tbh - I know it wasn’t common when I was that age to do numerous activities.

Will plod on for now

A dissenter here! I think 3 x activities is genuinely too much for young children, as they presumably have little time to just relax or play at home?

Many children are overscheduled, it offers no measurable benefit for them.

I would ditch the non-swimming sport, and just say 'next term we're doing x and y and also having more fun at home' and see how they take it.

expat101 · 09/02/2022 05:08

Where are your/kids extended family in this? And why isn't the ex involved in sharing transporting responsibilities?

Saltyquiche · 09/02/2022 05:19

Drop the brownies and rainbows initially, then see how you feel. Drop the dancing and football too if shattered still and stick to activities only at weekends and school clubs on weekdays so that you can go home and not go out again.

Kids need to be board to tap into the creativity and initiative which happens when adults are not filling their time. Children need to free play and wind down too.

Saltyquiche · 09/02/2022 05:29

I feel that’s a lot of activities, personally I’d knock everything on the head except for swimming and arrange to meet other mums and kids in the local park immediately after school on sunny days. Take a ball, a flask of tea and some fruit, biscuits for everyone. Exercise, coordination, socialising imaginative play with less effort.

Hawkins001 · 09/02/2022 05:33

@Nostrings457

Currently going through a break up. H not around to support. 3 DC who do the below activities, I’m working full time in a stressful job.

DC do the following, I feel like I need to cut down the after school stuff, but they all love what they do but it isn’t sustainable for my sanity. I just want to come home some days & not have to rush tea, get all 3 back out for drop off pick ups & fit reading / homework in somewhere in between. I don’t push any activities, it’s all stuff they have asked to do. I’d happily drop a few activities but feel like I’m letting them down for what will seem to them is just because I’m tired / can’t be bothered

Mon - DC8 & DC6 dancing
Tues - DC 8 Brownies
Wed - nothing
Thurs - DC4 football
Fri - DC6 rainbows
Sat - DC8 swimming (non-negotiable)
Sun - DC6 & DC4 swimming (non negotiable)

AIBU to cut down on some activities? Any ideas on how to approach with DC welcome

Have Wednesday as your off day or try with swimming ?
Saltyquiche · 09/02/2022 05:35

Over scheduling children is often a middle and upper class problem and far from balanced or healthy

Saltyquiche · 09/02/2022 05:41

You need to feel your life is manageable and well paced. Happy mum, happy kids essentially. Think about what you are comfortable with and set the kids activities around this. I’d say less is often more quality wise.

FindmeuptheFarawaytree · 09/02/2022 05:59

I think that's loads of planned activities, I'd encourage them to drop to at most 2 each. Give them some home time to relax and use their imaginations to choose what to do. With everything going on you might all enjoy some quality time spent with each other - perhaps a pyjama, takeaway and movie night one week etc. If you carry on running around as you are you're going to really struggle and that won't be good for any of you, you need to look after yourself too.

Flabbyflabberghasted · 09/02/2022 06:04

Is there anyway you can make your evening more relaxed when you get home on one or two evenings? Like make sure you don’t do baths or showers on certain evenings? Have a TV dinner? Some posters may think this is unacceptable but try not to do too much at home some evenings

SuPerDoPer · 09/02/2022 06:07

I don't think it's too much. My DC love their clubs and activities and despite the hassle of all the drop offs/pick ups, buying and remembering the kit and paying for it all I wouldn't take it away from them. I see it very much as a temporary situation, DD will start secondary next year and will likely drop dance and swimming. If I didn't take DS(6) out for structured physical activity he would be climbing the walls at home. He also really benefits from having other adults in his life- his football coaches give him a lot of positive reinforcement and encourage him to keep pushing himself to achieve more. However their dad (we are also separated) does his fair share too.

Zonder · 09/02/2022 06:07

So each child does swimming, brownies and dance, with youngest doing swimming and football, presumably with beavers in the future. Sounds like a nice balance.

Definitely list shares - saved my bacon and I only have two kids and live with their dad.
Is he going to be able to help in the future?

Darbs76 · 09/02/2022 06:08

I’d drop the dancing and the 4yr olds football

Flatandhappy · 09/02/2022 06:09

I have three and the rule when they were younger was two activities per child. DH often worked away, always long hours, so the logistics were on me. Kids also need downtime and to learn how to amuse themselves, I always found having over scheduled kids around exhausting, always wanting to know when the next planned activity was rather than making their own fun. Bottom line though is do what is right for your family - it sounds like you are over stretched no matter what others can/want to do so drop something and don’t feel guilty.

OutlookStalking · 09/02/2022 06:24

I think its a lot as obviously they are out when its not "their " turn too.

I think at 4 and 6 full time childcare is exhausting enough tbh!!! Where I am you'd perhaps do 1 or 2 IF you went home at 3 15. Or 1 or 2 after school clubs at school once in juniors.

They need time that's not programmes and to come home and play. I think at 4 and 6 they just want to get home, quick play, dinner and bed! Are you going straight from childcare (say 5?) To activity ? When are they eating dinner.

Id say far less activities. As you say you are a single parent and want to come home and be with your kids and have a routine. I think in covid times lots of people realised it was better not to be so programmed.

OutlookStalking · 09/02/2022 06:29

If you count 5 x afterschool club and then activities they are at or watching 6 thats 11 activities....

And both days at the weekend is the way of madness you need a break.

I think theres a pressure to "keep up" but I am sure if you say there will be a change but youre planning teddy bears picnic at home/,park in summer /movie night at home friday (popcorn!) it will make things a lot easier.

If full time they will do sports and activities in holiday club wont they? And as they get older will school offer afterschool clubs?

You don't have to do this.

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