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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to do this to my kids

245 replies

Nostrings457 · 08/02/2022 23:04

Currently going through a break up. H not around to support. 3 DC who do the below activities, I’m working full time in a stressful job.

DC do the following, I feel like I need to cut down the after school stuff, but they all love what they do but it isn’t sustainable for my sanity. I just want to come home some days & not have to rush tea, get all 3 back out for drop off pick ups & fit reading / homework in somewhere in between. I don’t push any activities, it’s all stuff they have asked to do. I’d happily drop a few activities but feel like I’m letting them down for what will seem to them is just because I’m tired / can’t be bothered

Mon - DC8 & DC6 dancing
Tues - DC 8 Brownies
Wed - nothing
Thurs - DC4 football
Fri - DC6 rainbows
Sat - DC8 swimming (non-negotiable)
Sun - DC6 & DC4 swimming (non negotiable)

AIBU to cut down on some activities? Any ideas on how to approach with DC welcome

OP posts:
cookiemonster2468 · 09/02/2022 06:38

Tbh it's really nice that you care so much and you want to get them all to their activities. It is a lot though.

I'd look at whether some of them can be moved to weekends or maybe talk to other parents about lift sharing so at least you're not driving them around every weeknight.

You need a balance of what is right for you and what is right for your kids - don't feel guilty about looking after yourself - it's important.

waitinginthecar · 09/02/2022 06:39

I'd drop dancing and homework.

ReturnOfTheBlackSheep · 09/02/2022 06:46

It seems a normal amount, but I'd say the main issue is you don't have a weekend day free. That will make a huge difference. Can you switch it around so they're all on the same day. Or take DC8 swimming with you whilst the others are in lessons?

DD does a sport, 4 of them from out village do it. We each do one drop off or collect a week. Mine are older, obviously that's harder for you as you have to cart the other two with you. Soon you can leave the eldest at home for half an hour and at 8 should be taking some responsibility for getting her own homework done. As a pp said, I'd prioritise activities over homework at this age.

What do you currently do whilst e.g. DC4 has football? If you wait there, the eldest two could be doing reading. I bought DD a clipboard, sometimes she comes with me to DS's activity and sits in the car and does her homework with me. Other times she stays home and does her homework by herself with a promise of Netflix when she's done. Depends a bit how long you're out the house for.

OutlookStalking · 09/02/2022 06:50

A normal amount? I dont know anyone who does 5 afterschool clubs and then is out most days including 2 both days at the weekend.

"Normal" for if your kids are home at 3.30, and you have another adult at home maybe. Even then its a lot !

mumpants · 09/02/2022 06:52

Get the girls to choose between dancing or Rainbows/Brownies.

You absolutely don't have to take them to all these things. They'll be fine. They might even enjoy more chill time. Don't worry. You being less stressed will be way more beneficial to them than clubs.

Lostinafjord · 09/02/2022 06:54

@Nostrings457

It’s insightful how so many think that they’re not doing that much. I thought 2 or 3 activities a week was quite full on tbh - I know it wasn’t common when I was that age to do numerous activities.

Will plod on for now

I think they're doing a lot!
OutlookStalking · 09/02/2022 06:56

Also threads like this tend to attract parents who do overprogramme/lots of activities.

They may be missing 3 kids, single parent, full time (so afterschool activities already). Recently split up. Honestly Id stop it all for a term and enjoy regrouping as a family.

ReturnOfTheBlackSheep · 09/02/2022 06:57

Yes, 2-3 activities per child is normal. It's not the DC's fault they have siblings. My DD does 5 activities and DS 2; the difference is we have none planned at the weekend apart from when DD has competitions. So we usually have two days free of work and activity commitments.

(It's a lot for DD, but her choice as she missed out on loads when things shut down.)

Oligodoodle · 09/02/2022 06:57

I’d drop DC4s football for now. He can start again another time.

oviraptor21 · 09/02/2022 06:58

It's not much in the competitive parenting world. Many kids don't do anything. I personally would drop the swimming for 4 and probably 6 year old as I dont see it as beneficial or time effective at that age but you've said it's non-negotiable. Second choice to go would be brownies unless you can get someone to lift share with.

Bluetrews25 · 09/02/2022 06:59

For financial reasons, my DCs did nothing bar the odd after school footie match. They both have degrees now, so were not held back in any way.
Older one taught himself to swim on holidays, younger learned in school lessons.
It's not about what the DCs want, OP, it's about what you feel able to do and can afford. We can't always get what we want, and that is a good life lesson to learn.

autienotnaughty · 09/02/2022 07:01

I think two a week is reasonable I'd keep 4 football and explain to other two your feeling like they have a lot going on and maybe they should drop an activity

Doidontimmm · 09/02/2022 07:01

I’d drop the Sunday lessons and take them if possible swimming yourself whilst DC8 has their lesson until you can get them all in on the same day. You need one day to decompress!

thenewduchessoflapland · 09/02/2022 07:02

@Nostrings457

It’s insightful how so many think that they’re not doing that much. I thought 2 or 3 activities a week was quite full on tbh - I know it wasn’t common when I was that age to do numerous activities.

Will plod on for now

I'd consider ditching off dancing tbh

It's not just lessons there's the exams,dance shows and competitions.It's very time consuming and expensive.

Snoken · 09/02/2022 07:14

That does look like a lot for a single parent to cope with, and the kids too as they have to be out of the house almost every weekday evening, even if it's not for them. My kids would have been exhausted by that at that age. One or two scheduled activity is plenty. If the 6 and 8 year old can swim by now, maybe take them to the pool and get them to practice with you when the little one is having their lesson. I also like the idea of having a disco at home where they can all dance. Lights, outfits, popcorn, the lot.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 09/02/2022 07:23

Going against the grain here but I think today's normal is too much and I don't believe in sacrificing your whole life to ferry kids to activities

OP you are struggling as a recently single parent and I don't think it's helpful to tell you to carry on .
I'd cut out dancing unless your kids are cut out to be the next D'Arcy Bussle . Swimming is non negotiable and brownies etc teach good life skills . Football for your boy I fair .
I'm a single mum and I work full time, ds does cubs and a sports club after school. He gave up Saturday football through his own choice and I was relieved!

Thewookiemustgo · 09/02/2022 07:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Phineyj · 09/02/2022 07:28

My DD (9) does several after school activities at school plus a couple that we organise (one weekday, one weekend) but (and this is a big but), if it wasn't thar my DH has a fairly flexible job and is available to drive her around, it would be afterschool club and a weekend swim lesson. I'm a teacher and after school activities are really difficult for me although I try to make up for it in the holidays.

And we've only got the one and due to some SEN, it's only really been this year (year 4) that she has actually had the capacity to do these extras.

You have to cut your cloth according to your means and that includes time and headspace as well as money.

So we have 2 x people to ferry one child and you have 1 x to ferry 3. Of course we can do more.

I think it's worth hanging on to things where otherwise there'd be a waiting list though.

Thewookiemustgo · 09/02/2022 07:28

Mumsnet glitched when I was typing and this is now on the wrong thread! Apologies.

SeaToSki · 09/02/2022 07:29

I have 4 dc and a DH who works away during the week. When they were this age the only thing that got me through was having a mothers helper stay at home with the dc who didnt have an activity that afternoon. She did snack, homework, reading and started dinner while I was the taxi driver. I would also take a book and cup of tea and wait in the car rather than watching the activity. So I got some downtime, and then I would go back in 10 mins before the end of the session to see a bit and be ready for the pick up rush. One activity was right next to a good supermarket, so that day I would nip in for a quick shop.

My mothers help became a part of the family over time as she lived just across the road. When she was able to drive, she would sometimes take the dc to their activities and I would be he one at home. The PP who said you have to plan for when one dc is ill was completely right, that is when all the wheels fall off.

I set up my system when I just had the two dc and I was with them at an activity and saw another parent with all their dc sitting watching the one doing the activity and the watching dc were trying to do their homework on clipboards and their mother was proudly talking about how they had their ‘homework packs’ so they could get it done in the car or where ever and how they didnt get to bed until 9 most night because they just ‘loved’ their activities so much and how a family dinner all together was ‘so important’. My thought was that well rested children who could concentrate in school and werent trying to do their homework on the floor on the sidelines of a noisy gym was important too.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 09/02/2022 07:29

it looks doable.
and quite normal frankly

HadaVerde · 09/02/2022 07:32

Way too much IMO.

When do you all relax?

resuwen · 09/02/2022 07:32

@Brett239

I don't see the issue? It's normal to have an activity each night and you even have a night off! You have hardly any overlap! I wish our schedule was this easy.
Christ on a bike! Has it become some kind of status symbol to see how many clubs you can possibly cram your kids into? How can it possibly be good for anyone to have every minute of every day scheduled like this? I think it's madness.
MrsLargeEmbodied · 09/02/2022 07:32

i might be tempted to stop the football for the 4 year old

girlmom21 · 09/02/2022 07:38

I'd stop the Rainbows and Brownies to be honest, especially as, presumably, the 8 year old has been dancing for quite a while so is at a decent standard.