Page 8 | Failure to breastfeed = less bond?

Shutupandcry · 2022-02-08T22:27:14+00:00

I’m in an NCT mums WhatsApp and today there has been a lot of discussion from the breastfeeding mums about the amazing bond, nothing like it etc that breastfeeding has created. I’ve spent all day so upset- despite trying to bf I was rubbish and just couldn’t- managed 6 weeks bf with shields, expressing tiny amounts and topping up but at 4 months now DD is fully FF. I feel I have a lovely bond with her but now feel like maybe I’m missing this amazing womanly experience and my daughter is missing out and it’ll never be as good. DH thinks I should just mute or say something about how I’m struggling with the comments but I don’t want them to think I’m shaming them or don’t want them to talk about it- they have every right to be proud. I wish I could join them. Have I ruined her life and our bond? Anyone fed their babies differently and noticed a difference in your bond?

Shmithecat2 · 09/02/2022 19:09

I don't think bfing promotes a better bond than ffing. And I say that as someone who bfd ds with ease for nearly 4 years.

However, the posts that insinuate that eye contact only happens with ffing...? Yeah, no.

HappyDays40 · 09/02/2022 19:18

In all honesty apart from the type of milk the baby is receiving there us no difference between sticking a bottle teat or a breast in its mouth. You are still holding, having quiet time, talking, making eye contact and bonding. It doesn't matter OP. People who say that it dies just make others feel inadequate and aren't worth the stress.

Mackmama · 09/02/2022 19:18

What do they teach at these NCT groups? I didn’t do it, I knew nothing about it and wondered if I’d missed out but now I think I had a lucky escape.

I wonder whether this is where my friend got here craic that me and DS wouldn’t bond because he didn’t have a pushchair where he was facing me!!

Enjoy your baby OP however you feed them, nobody knows better than you what’s best for them xx

victopai · 09/02/2022 19:31

I combi feed and I must say when I give my baby the bottle I can look into his eyes and see his face more (big boobs). So I actually don't agree about the bond with breastfeeding

TheOrigRights · 09/02/2022 19:54

@HappyDays40

In all honesty apart from the type of milk the baby is receiving there us no difference between sticking a bottle teat or a breast in its mouth. You are still holding, having quiet time, talking, making eye contact and bonding. It doesn't matter OP. People who say that it dies just make others feel inadequate and aren't worth the stress.

I disagree. Look up oxytocin.

Royalbloo · 09/02/2022 20:07

Absolutely not - me and my daughter adore each other. Nothing to do with how she was fed x

Royalbloo · 09/02/2022 20:08

Parenting isn't a competition.

Nos3y · 09/02/2022 20:20

Absolute nonsense. I think that kind of chat is always insensitive. And complete BS.

I wanted to breastfeed, my daughter was premature and we REALLY struggled. I tried for a tough 5 months. Even through covid had a specialist out to the house, my mum is a midwife and it was her who made me feel it was ok to stop. Neither me or my daughter were happy. Because her size she needed fed constantly and it was TOUGH. as soon as I started expressing my supply drastically dwindled even while breastfeeding in between.
As soon as I got my head out my arse and started bottle feeding me and my daughter were 100x happier and more settled. She's 15 months now and still gets a bottle before bed and it's such a special time. The snuggles are amazing. Everyone is different. Some people who breastfeed don't get that bond and some do. Just like bottle fed babies xx

Aspidistra1 · 09/02/2022 20:38

If you want a longer term case study I was breastfed until I was 2 and could ask for it. Me and my mum are quite dissimilar and I’ve generally been closer to my dad.

You have done your absolute best for your child and sound like you’re a lovely mum with a lovely bond. I actually think this line chat in your WhatsApp group is quite insensitive and unhelpful.

Fangdrew · 09/02/2022 20:42

“TheOrigRights

HappyDays40
In all honesty apart from the type of milk the baby is receiving there us no difference between sticking a bottle teat or a breast in its mouth. You are still holding, having quiet time, talking, making eye contact and bonding. It doesn't matter OP. People who say that it dies just make others feel inadequate and aren't worth the stress.

I disagree. Look up oxytocin.”

All the activities HappyDays describes increase oxytocin and facilitate bonding.

Mums are entitled to hold any opinion they like about their bond with their baby and what this means to them. The issue is sharing such views in a WhatsApp group full of vulnerable new mums who need support and solidarity rather than judgment and shame. How can you know or quantify the bond another Mum who happens to feed differently has with her baby? How condescending to think that someone has a “better” bond with their baby than someone else.

TheOrigRights · 09/02/2022 20:51

@Fangdrew

“TheOrigRights

HappyDays40
In all honesty apart from the type of milk the baby is receiving there us no difference between sticking a bottle teat or a breast in its mouth. You are still holding, having quiet time, talking, making eye contact and bonding. It doesn't matter OP. People who say that it dies just make others feel inadequate and aren't worth the stress.

I disagree. Look up oxytocin.”

All the activities HappyDays describes increase oxytocin and facilitate bonding.

Mums are entitled to hold any opinion they like about their bond with their baby and what this means to them. The issue is sharing such views in a WhatsApp group full of vulnerable new mums who need support and solidarity rather than judgment and shame. How can you know or quantify the bond another Mum who happens to feed differently has with her baby? How condescending to think that someone has a “better” bond with their baby than someone else.

The physical act of a nipple being stimulated by a nursing baby causes the release of oxytocin, thus is it not just the type of milk that is different. This is what I was clarifying.

Of course other activities cause the release of oxytocin.

It is not my opinion that there is a difference between a teat and a nipple, it is a fact. I did not give any opinion on bonding.

XmasElf10 · 09/02/2022 21:02

My baby is 11 and she is adorable. I cannot describe the big whoosh of love I feel when I look at her or hug her. She is affectionate and cuddly and loves to hang out and chat with me. She sat and chatted all evening yesterday whilst I was building a chest of drawers. I adore her and I’m quite sure the feeling is mutual. She was bottle fed from 3 weeks and was a terrible terrible sleeper due to reflux. I was once tired enough to drop her out of her sling. At various points I thought I was the worst mum ever, everyone else seemed to find it easier or do it better.

The doubting yourself thing is totally normal but that’s your kid and if you are a loving parent one day you’ll look at your half asleep chocolate smeered 11 year old and think “oh my god they are utterly gorgeous and we have such a wonderful bond!”

Apparently all bets are off when she turns into a teenager though!

OhWhyNot · 09/02/2022 21:04

That’s nonsense

There are so many ways we bond with our babies you will find this as time goes on

Stay away from those who make parenting competitive next it will be the food they eat then words they say and so on it’s so so dull

2kl4skl · 09/02/2022 21:06

It may frustrate you in the short term if you're trying to establish feeding and it's excruciating and not working - but after that your move to bottle and hopefully be resolved

Other than that, it really doesn't matter how a baby is fed

VestaTilley · 09/02/2022 21:33

Nope- breastfeeding failed for me at 9 weeks. DS is nearly 3 and we’re incredibly bonded, very close, it’s me he always wants and asks for.

How you feed really doesn’t affect bond - it’s are you loving, cuddly, present, responsive, consistent, even tempered. If you’re any or all of those things your bond will be fine.

GrendelsGrandma · 09/02/2022 21:34

Comparison is the thief of joy, OP!

Think what you're trying to do, really - rank how much babies love their mothers and vice versa? It's bonkers. You hold your baby close, you give them milk of whatever variety, you are there to support them as they develop. No one ever comes along with a clipboard and grades your 'bond' out of 100.

I bf both my babies, after a hellish start with my first. At times it was nice, I'd have a relaxed feeling as my milk let down as if it just had a g&t. They'd fall asleep on me and look happy. At other times they'd bite or want to feed all the time it of get blocked ducts and have to scrape homemade parmesan out of my nipple and it would be very far from magical.

You're following your path. Give all your love to your baby. It's a unique relationship, don't degrade it by wondering if it's lesser than anyone else's. It's what you have and it's precious.