Failure to breastfeed = less bond?

[Shutupandcry]

I’m in an NCT mums WhatsApp and today there has been a lot of discussion from the breastfeeding mums about the amazing bond, nothing like it etc that breastfeeding has created. I’ve spent all day so upset- despite trying to bf I was rubbish and just couldn’t- managed 6 weeks bf with shields, expressing tiny amounts and topping up but at 4 months now DD is fully FF.

I feel I have a lovely bond with her but now feel like maybe I’m missing this amazing womanly experience and my daughter is missing out and it’ll never be as good. DH thinks I should just mute or say something about how I’m struggling with the comments but I don’t want them to think I’m shaming them or don’t want them to talk about it- they have every right to be proud. I wish I could join them.

Have I ruined her life and our bond? Anyone fed their babies differently and noticed a difference in your bond?

Honestly just ignore...I breastfeed my DD for 6 months. She was easy, no problems feeding from the start. But I really didn't like it I don't k kw why just felt so intense and constantly being touched/needed for food. I had sever PNA and OCD and breastfeeding definable didn't help. Moved to bottles mainly by 4 months ish and I felt so much happier. DD wasn't the slightest bit bothered and we have a great bond. So yeah just ignore the zealots everyone if different and I'm sure you have a perfect bond with your baby

Of course breastfeeding (when working well) helps you to bond, it releases oxytocin. It's not the only way to bond though and of course you can build a relationship with a baby in a myriad of other ways. I'm sure you have just as strong a bond with your baby - it's not a reflection on you.

I don't think it's unfair to say that breastfeeding a baby can help a mum feel bonded to their baby.

However! Bottle feeding can help a parent feel bonded to their baby. Playing with them, cuddling them to sleep, chatting to them on a walk, taking them to their favourite place, watching them play football every Saturday, planting seeds with them, colouring in a picture with them or baking a cake etc etc etc all help you feel bonded to your child over the years.

It's not an all or nothing. Breastfeeding is one activity in a thousand parental activities that help form a close and loving bond. I like it because I love the closeness it gives me and it is one way that I bond with my baby.

It's difficult to say without the tone of the messages but presumably they feel they are in a safe space where they can talk about their own experience of feeding and bonding. If I was in a group and said I loved the bond I had from breastfeeding and someone came at me saying it 'made no difference' etc I'd be a bit taken aback.

I've combi fed all my babies btw so love breast and bottle feeding them! Just putting a different slant on it to say it's not necessarily a comment on your experience or parenting.

I had twins, one breastfed easily from birth but the other never would. I expressed milk for her and bottle fed. They are now 12 years old and I have a great relationship with both. Absolutely no difference in our bond so don't stress about it x

Me eldest was formula fed from day 1, my youngest was exclusively breastfed and still going at 2.5 years. I love them both equally, I would say that there were differences in bonding but none of those were caused by how they were fed! It was caused by:

• post natal depression
• interfering in laws
• my children's personalities
• two very traumatic births for different reasons

Your bond will be perfect. Do not worry about that.

But maybe muting the group is a good idea. Presumably these women know what you endured, so to speak that way in the group is pretty ignorant and insensitive.

Thank you all for the lovely reassuring messages. I will save this thread and have a read if I’m feeling a bit low. Thanks so much.

Leave the group, they are a bunch of arseholes.
Breastfeeding makes no difference to bonding, feeding is only a small part of a child's life.

This was one of the things I found most upsetting after my Ds1 was born - the implication that breastfeeding gives you some kind of next level bond that just isn’t available to those of us who didn’t manage it. And it’s utter bullshit.

I intended to breastfeed but because of complications with the birth I wasn’t able to. My nct group all managed to and were very smug and self congratulatory about it. There were a lot of similar messages on the WhatsApp group and it really got to me. I felt like my baby would never love me as much as theirs did because of it.

4.5 years on I can see it is utter nonsense. My son is extremely bonded to me, as is my ds2 who I bottle fed intentionally from day 1.

Try and ignore the comments and enjoy your baby.

I bonded a lot better with my child when I stopped trying to establish breastfeeding, because it wasn't working and he was losing weight fast. It was incredibly stressful and I didn't like him very much at all.

Two days of formula feeding and he was a different baby, and I could finally bond with him rather than worrying about the feed.

Try to encourage honestly in your NCT group. They're such a good resource, but if you're all trying to out-compete each other in parenting it won't work. Just say how you're really feeling and hopefully some (it won't be all) will be honest too. You don't have to be friends with all of them.

What thoughtless comments and also what absolute crap.

I usually find the people critising and putting down other people's parenting are doing it because they themselves are insecure and often struggling with their mental health and need treatment/support themselves. Doesn't make it any easier being on the receiving end of it though.

No that’s bollocks.

My health visitor said something like she was worried my bond with my baby would suffer because I was stopping breastfeeding.
At the time I was devastated, but now I wish I’d told her to fuck off because that’s a load of nonsense.

It was (and is) insulting to suggest that my bond with my son is so fragile that my tit was the only thing holding it together!

I do feel like breastfeeding helped establish a bond with my baby after a traumatic birth. But so did cosleeping, having baths together, and a million other things.

My husband has never breastfed her and they have a lovely bond.

I just wonder how mothers have the time and mental space to worry and think so much about how others feed their babies.

It is utter nonsense. I bottle fed both mine and have a wonderful bond. What I never did was shove a bottle in a baby’s mouth while they’re in a buggy though - personally I don’t like that at all. Mine were always held securely, their head to my boob, eye to eye contact.
There seems to be no limits to what some people will do to make others feel bad.
Ignore them in confidence that all will be well.
And by the way - mine are both strappingly healthy. They have far fewer illnesses than some of my friends’ DC who were exclusively breastfed.

I had to leave my NCT WhatsApp. Not because anyone was being nasty or boasty, but I just couldn't handle the comparison at that stage, while I felt so vulnerable and not knowing what I was doing.

When babies are really little there's honestly not much you CAN do with them, other than fed, clean, cuddle, sleep. So I think for some mums the breastfeeding is a way to 'prove' themselves as 'good' mums (of course it's not but in the early days that's how it felt for me when I couldn't bfeed).
Looking back, it's bollocks! The feeding is all consuming for the first few months, but that's because there is literally nothing else. As soon as they start having personalities, THEN the real parenting begins.
Fwiw I drove myself crazy worrying about 'bonding'. It seemed like this mythical concept that I thought about all the time, but worried I would never have, not 'properly' like the breastfeeding mums.
Bonding is just a fancy way of saying love. Love grows, everything you do for your baby is love. Feeding is just one small part of loving your baby, but in the months and years ahead, there will be so many more things you do out of love. They'll be the ones that count- do you show up to pick your kid up from school on time? Do you listen to them talking about their day? Do you give them hugs when they're feeling upset? That's the stuff that counts

Absolutely a load of rubbish!
I combi fed both of mine and they couldn't care a less where the milk was coming from as long as they got some.
I also work with children who've suffered severe trauma and attachment difficulties....some of these were bf! That's not the only/most important way to create a bond, there's thousands of other things you can do.

You poor thing!
It makes absolutely no difference.
My friend had twin girls - she had plenty of milk but one twin just couldn't get the hang of BF so was FF from 3 weeks while her sister was BF.
Those girls are 20 now and both have a great bond with their mother.

There's a lot of pressure around this. Do what is right for you and your child. Whatever everyone else is doing is irrelevant (I know it can feel like everyone is breastfeeding and doing better, but it's not true).

Feeding is just one part of how you bond, playing, snuggles and generally just being there as the mother/ parent all plays a part.

If they are fed, clean and clothed (and you are too for that matter) you are winning.

You are no less of a mother because you don't breastfeed, your bond with your child will be perfectly fine and breastfed or bottle fed, you will be the one they come to for comfort.

I breast fed DD1. It was hell. Mastitis four times, and the pain from cracked nipples that made me cry every time I had to feed her. It was not a bonding experience aside from the fact that I couldn’t leave her at all to do something because she needed me. So we spent all our time together. I had PND (which the feeding definitely worsened)I tried and couldn’t feed DD2. We had a great bond because I was happy and smiley and enjoyed being with her knowing it wasn’t going to cause me physical pain whenever she needed feeding. Ignore the NCT lot. You are doing great.

Absolute rubbish. I breastfed 2 of mine, mix fed 2 and bottle fed 1. I preferred breastfeeding as I hated faffing around with sterilizers and dc4 would only drink the milk if it was body temperature. Didn't make any difference to bonding.

I think you should mute it and not be hard on yourself. There was nothing like the feeling of seeing the baby I breastfed de-latch give me the biggest smiles, sign for my milk and stroke my boob tenderly as she grew. With enough support I would have loved this with all of them. I know that's painful for people who couldn't breastfeed but it's true for me.

@AnneLovesGilbert

The angry responses aren’t proportionate to what OP has written. She hasn’t said these women have criticised her or said anything deliberately unkind or hurtful to her. They’re talking about their experience and she acknowledges that’s okay.

They’re not saying they’re better women or superior mothers. They’re talking about something that’s a positive for them.

I had a car crash of a c section and was under GA. Not the delivery anyone would want. When people talk about the joy of a natural birth, the wonder of having your baby placed on your chest, first cuddles, an amazing bonding experience, I don’t think wow, bunch of bitches, you’re telling me I’m a shit mum who failed. I think how lovely, lucky them.

This. They aren't belittling you are trying to make you feel bad. As another pp said, it's very easy to get confused and equate breastfeeding with bond in the early days but they are 2 separate things.

Sorry you had such a tough time. Its clear from your post that you have a wonderful bond with your child and she is very much loved

I had 2 emergency c-sections and was unable to breast feed due to milk supply. I was made to feel like a failure by some people in a baby group, I left after that. The bond with my children has always been excellent. Now they're older, we are still really close and have an excellent bond. I've seen some of the people from my baby group recently and they don't share the same bond with their children who were bottle fed and natural delivery so it's swings and roundabouts.

Doesn't matter how you feed your baby, as long as baby is fed and happy!

In my group of mum friends we have people who formula feed and people who breastfeed. I combination fed my LO.

The only difference is the formula/combination feeding mums tend to have been able to share the nights more, especially in the early days which meant more sleep! There is no difference in our bonds. Please don’t worry .