Page 3 | Failure to breastfeed = less bond?

chocolatemademefat · 08/02/2022 23:16

When your child gets a bit older you’ll look back and wonder why you gave these idiotic opinions head space. These women need a hobby to give them less time to make other women feel bad.

R3ALLY · 08/02/2022 23:17

I was born by c section to a mother under GA who didn’t see me for a day, FF me from birth and kept me in my own room from birth. We adored each other. We all find our own ways to bond. Enjoy your beautiful baby

Lorw · 08/02/2022 23:18

Don’t feel bad, I haven’t managed to breastfeed, little one is combi fed, I literally felt so bad for weeks, produced plenty of milk but because my boobs are so big just couldn’t get the position and latch right, the midwives and HV made me feel so much better about it and said that fed is best and when I said I was concerned about the bond as an anxious first time mum the HV told me it didn’t make a difference 😁

LincolnshireLassInLondon · 08/02/2022 23:19

Mute the group. Look at it as and when you feel you want to. If that's never then so be it. These groups are meant to be supportive. If it's making your life harder then don't give it head space.

Start private chats with the mums you actually like instead, then you're still getting the positives from NCT.

I had to do this for similar reasons. I wanted to breastfeed DS so badly, but for various reasons I couldn't. People on my NCT WhatsApp were so anti-formula it made me spiral into a really dark place for a while.

I promise you that you'll have just as lovely a bond with your baby. I think you bond by feeding your baby as they need to be fed. In our case breastfeeding was terribly stressful for us both (no bonding going on whatsoever) and bottle feeding with lots of cuddles was a joy by comparison. As they get older there are so many other ways to bond too.

It sounds like you're doing amazingly well and have a lovely bond. Don't let this get you down.

R3ALLY · 08/02/2022 23:20

Justilou was that an ordinary ultrasound? I had IGT diagnosed by a lactation consultant but would love further diagnosis. Sorry to hijsck thread 😊

Notwithittoday · 08/02/2022 23:21

No there’s no difference. I’ve done both. I’m super close with them and we’ll bonded. They’re all cling ons lol

DropYourSword · 08/02/2022 23:23

It's total bollocks.
I hated breastfeeding. I struggled in for weeks before giving up for good at 10 weeks. I just hated it.
I could actually bond WAY better with my baby once I'd packed it in and given up putting that stress and pressure on myself!

AuntyJanet · 08/02/2022 23:23

It’s all total shite OP. Smug people convincing themselves something is true.

The bond between mother and child is as strong whether you breast feed or bottle feed. It’s not determined by how you feed them.

Notwithittoday · 08/02/2022 23:24

@Justilou1

Absolute bullshit and don’t let anyone get into your head.

I can honestly say that this whole cult of “Natural Everything Motherhood” is psychologically very damaging. If you have a C-Section, you’re made to feel like you’ve failed or missed out on something magical. (Or that you don’t deserve the mythical Olympic gold medal that women who have delivered vaginally deserve…) Nobody talks about how common post-partum injuries are, and how little is done for them. The expectation that you must spring back into Instagram-worthy shape is also dangerous and puts so much pressure on relationships.

I felt terrible guilt with my first (who is now 17). I was even abused when bottle-feeding in a change room for the first time. Nobody believed me when I said that I didn’t think I was producing enough milk. I explained that my boobs hadn’t grown, either during pregnancy or after birth, and I didn’t feel anything different. They dismissed this entirely. I gave up and felt a failure after a month with a screaming, non-growing baby.
It was only when I had my twins two years later - in a different hospital - that a midwife noticed that my boobs were the wrong shape for someone who was supposed to have had milk come in, etc, and believed me that they hadn’t grown during pregnancy, and I didn’t get a feeling of “let down”, etc… She organised an ultrasound and we discovered that I have four milk ducts in total. (Most women have at least 32 in each boob.) Obviously wasn’t going to feed one baby, let alone two. Psychologically a lot easier to deal with, and also to share the load with DH. (With twins, you absolutely need to!)

Anyhow, regardless of the reason, you snuggle and feed your baby the way you feel is best. You will absolutely bond. Everyone else can fuck off.

Are your breasts tubular? I was diagnosed with IGT as well but not via ultrasound. Mine were palpated and told similar. I had very few milk ducts in one breast and virtually none in my much smaller boob

OpheliaTrousersnake · 08/02/2022 23:25

OP, ignore it. My DC all ended up being FF. They are all happy, healthy adults, and we have a fantastic bond. What matters isn't whether or not you can/do BF your babies - what matters is the stuff that goes on and on and on - the stuff that far outlasts the breast/bottle-feeding years. My DC1 is the one I breastfed for the shortest time (namely about a day), and DC1 is also the one to whom I am closest now that they are adults.

MollyBloomYes · 08/02/2022 23:33

One of mine was combi fed from about 2 weeks old and fully formula fed by about 6 months because breast feeding was so excruciating. Breastfeeding, if anything, was ruining our bond because it was such a hideous experience for the both of us.

Second child his tongue tie was spotted on the postnatal ward. Got sorted really quickly and he ended up breastfeeding for 4 years.

Both of them I have an incredible bond with. It's a different bond and a different relationship because they are different people, not because they got their milk from different sources. Like another person, I really liked being able to see DS1's face while bottle feeding him, but also really liked being able to settle DS2 to sleep just by pulling down my top!

I always think this 'breastfed babies have a better bond' thing is such a weird claim anyway. First heard it during NCT classes when I was pregnant with my first baby and remember thinking well how on Earth are they measuring that one? How is a 'bond' a quantifiable, measurable thing that they can stake that claim on?

Ignore them OP or fire back a remark on your no doubt lovely bond depending on what you want. Honestly NCT/first time mum WhatsApp groups can be really tone deaf at times and breastfeeding can be one of the most divisive issues with people becoming incredibly insensitive about it.

I promise OP, by the time they're at school and all demanding Happy Meals nobody really gives a shit or can really tell which kid was breastfed and which one wasn't You keep on doing what's best for you and your family

Glitterbells · 08/02/2022 23:33

Every time we were going out for coffee they would talk about the amazing benefits of breastfeeding and how their babies won't be allergic and will eat everything etc and how amazing their bond will be .. I used to get home to my DH in floods of tears.

^^ sorry you went through this and everyone else who has these experiences including the op.
I think people are entitled to think what they like and if they believe breastfeeding = better bond, no allergies etc then they should get on with thinking that (even though it’s not always true as every mum and baby different).

But to actually vocalise this in front of a mum who is either bottle feeding because they wanted to, or bottle feeding because they have to, is such a twatish thing to do.
I’m sure Kalma will bite them One day. We all get insecurities as parents and maybe ten years later when they are worrying about their dc behaviour issue/friendship issue/academic worries, a school yard mum will boast about how popular and clever their dc is. It will come round, that’s why whenever I think something as a parent or have a moment of pride, obviously I share it with loved ones, but I try never to come across as boastful or superior to other parents. It’s just what I think. If sometimes breastfed, they should feel proud. But there’s a difference between being proud of your achievement and being insensitive and superior.

I know that in this long haul journey of parenting there will be occasions where I’m struggling as well as time when I am proud, I’m always aware that who needs their face rubbed in it by some superior, insensitive gloating mother. No one .

Justilou1 · 08/02/2022 23:36

@Notwithittoday - Not tubular, but DNA damage from my anorexic mum choosing to chain smoke when she was pregnant with me so that she didn’t put on weight and could have a small baby. (Worked well for her.) It’s very common, it would seem - along with other symptoms.

CoffeeChocolateWine · 08/02/2022 23:44

3 DC here. First baby I breastfed for 4 weeks, went down with flu, dried up completely and had to formula feed from then on. Second baby I breastfed for 12 weeks and hated it. Gave up by choice. Third baby I breastfed for 20 months. Loved it, so did she. Had a beautiful bond with all three. The bond comes from the holding and comforting and cuddling and the trust. My first baby - the one ff from 4 weeks - was by far the happiest and healthiest of my 3 babies.

Ozanj · 08/02/2022 23:44

@Shutupandcry

I’m in an NCT mums WhatsApp and today there has been a lot of discussion from the breastfeeding mums about the amazing bond, nothing like it etc that breastfeeding has created. I’ve spent all day so upset- despite trying to bf I was rubbish and just couldn’t- managed 6 weeks bf with shields, expressing tiny amounts and topping up but at 4 months now DD is fully FF.

I feel I have a lovely bond with her but now feel like maybe I’m missing this amazing womanly experience and my daughter is missing out and it’ll never be as good. DH thinks I should just mute or say something about how I’m struggling with the comments but I don’t want them to think I’m shaming them or don’t want them to talk about it- they have every right to be proud. I wish I could join them.

Have I ruined her life and our bond? Anyone fed their babies differently and noticed a difference in your bond?

Please don’t think like this. It’s not better or worse. It’s just a different feeling. When breastfeeding works Let down produces endorphins which makes your body feel good. You also end up sleeping a lot more lightly (both mum and baby) so it seems like you have a great ‘bond’ and you’re predicting feeds etc while cosleeping but actually you’re just more awake if that makes sense? I had to express milk too and DH used to feed those bottles to DS - he said doing it made him feel a rush of emotion and relaxation every time. So there must have been a bond formed through that as well.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 08/02/2022 23:46

Look at every single one of your friends. Can you tell who was breastfed and who wasn’t? Can you tell how long they were breastfed?

No?

Ok, let’s try another one. Think about the relationship they have with their mothers. Good or bad? Have they told you why it is that way?

Bet they didn’t say it was down to whether or not they were breastfed as a child!

There you go.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/02/2022 23:49

Can someone please tell my three sons were not as bonded as I expressed and bottle fed cos I can't pee without one of them needing to touch me. Maaaaaaaam Mam Mam. I walk in the living room, one toddler immediately grabs my skirt. One will happily sit on my lap kissing me for 5 minutes. 6 year old likes to climb into bed and put his hands under my armpits for closeness (🙄). They all like to be under my clothes for closeness. They'll happily seperate and hang with other people so they're secure in their attachment, providing I don't want to be alone 😂😂😂. We're def attached and your friends are being quite inconsiderate and naive.

Alloutofglove · 08/02/2022 23:52

Psychological blinkers on now OP and don't remove them until baby is secondary school age. I experienced some circles of awful competitive Mumming. Nothing inferior about your bond whatsoever, regardless of what some insecure smuggoes tell you

StickyToffeePuddingAndIceCream · 08/02/2022 23:55

Your bond is no different, just mute them. I say this as someone who has/is breastfeeeding too, it isn't a competition or something to be smug about. If it works great, its convenient, if it doesnt well it isnt the end of the world, you'll still have a strong bond (and a fed, happy, content baby).

Leilala · 08/02/2022 23:58

You should never feel like you are missing out, you are doing a great job and so very blessed to have a little one to call your own.

I have DS9 and DD 8 months (long gap due to career- always get asked). DS would not BF and I did exactly like you did- all the expressing and I felt like a cow with very little to show for it. Me and him are like best friend now. In the long run the adult you are raising is not going to remember how you fed them and there are so many more ways to bond than feeding. The main positive was that he was such a content baby with all the family members not only me, he has continued to build such good relationships with DH and all his grandparents. I use to feel guilty and blame myself for not being able to BF him but there is not a single thing I would change about him now and our journey (including feeding) is why he is who he has become.

DD is so different. BF since the start and won’t take a bottle so I have delayed going back to work. She is more clingy but I wouldn’t say I feel closer to either they are just individuals like anyone else. I was anxious about feeding before she was born though. But it’s completely unfair to stress and out blame on yourself.

The way you bond will be unique between you and your child and not related to how they get their food in the first few months. Some babies will like to be held others more independent.

Enjoy your little one while she is little, they do grow up so quick.

FartnissEverbeans · 09/02/2022 02:06

I ff my first and am now combo feeding my second.

If anything I think the bond came more readily with my first, because second time round I was so focused on breastfeeding! I found it so hard for many reasons (past trauma, nonexistent/poor latch, bleeding and awful pain, after pains that I would have happily taken gas and air for, and a condition named DMER that makes me feel sick and sad when I get a letdown) and the first few weeks just became all about me and my boobs. I still don’t enjoy it, tbh.

Also I think the poster who mentioned that ff let’s you look into your baby’s eyes more easily is absolutely right. It’s an underrated benefit of ff.

FartnissEverbeans · 09/02/2022 02:07

Just to add - I obviously adore both babies equally! No difference at all.

Quail15 · 09/02/2022 02:15

Baby number 1 was combi fed due to severe tongue tie until 6 weeks then FF.

Baby number 2 breast fed until 9 months

No difference with my bond with them. This is one of the reasons why I never really got on with my NCT group and 3 years on I don't have any contact with them.

FrenchFancie · 09/02/2022 02:26

It’s total shite OP.
Due to a traumatic birth dd didn’t get a drop of breast milk or colostrum from me, she’d had two bottles by the time I came out of surgery and had decided that’s the way she wanted to be fed.

Our bond is amazing, she’s 9 now and an amazing bright child. I work in a primary school and couldn’t tell you which child was fed in which way.

Feeding method becomes all consuming when they are small because it’s pretty much the only thing you do for them, but in a couple of years time when they are toddlers eating dog biscuits and licking the wheels of the pram to find out what they taste like, none of of matters a bit.

Enjoy your baby and your bond and tell the NCT bunch to sod off.

Joenlivsmom · 09/02/2022 02:30

Please don’t beat yourself up. If you can name me one child who remembers being breast fed…. Well you get what I’m saying. Just be confident in your mothering ability and ignore anyone who is trying to guilt you. Being a mum is hard enough xx