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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Failure to breastfeed = less bond?

191 replies

Shutupandcry · 08/02/2022 22:27

I’m in an NCT mums WhatsApp and today there has been a lot of discussion from the breastfeeding mums about the amazing bond, nothing like it etc that breastfeeding has created. I’ve spent all day so upset- despite trying to bf I was rubbish and just couldn’t- managed 6 weeks bf with shields, expressing tiny amounts and topping up but at 4 months now DD is fully FF.

I feel I have a lovely bond with her but now feel like maybe I’m missing this amazing womanly experience and my daughter is missing out and it’ll never be as good. DH thinks I should just mute or say something about how I’m struggling with the comments but I don’t want them to think I’m shaming them or don’t want them to talk about it- they have every right to be proud. I wish I could join them.

Have I ruined her life and our bond? Anyone fed their babies differently and noticed a difference in your bond?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 08/02/2022 22:44

The angry responses aren’t proportionate to what OP has written. She hasn’t said these women have criticised her or said anything deliberately unkind or hurtful to her. They’re talking about their experience and she acknowledges that’s okay.

They’re not saying they’re better women or superior mothers. They’re talking about something that’s a positive for them.

I had a car crash of a c section and was under GA. Not the delivery anyone would want. When people talk about the joy of a natural birth, the wonder of having your baby placed on your chest, first cuddles, an amazing bonding experience, I don’t think wow, bunch of bitches, you’re telling me I’m a shit mum who failed. I think how lovely, lucky them.

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/02/2022 22:46

What a load of old codswallop. Eye contact when you’re feeding is what creates the bond.

gogetta · 08/02/2022 22:49

So what about the dads who definitely can't breastfeed? A whole load of bollocks!! Baby just knows food. You feed them they're happy

Simple as

Justilou1 · 08/02/2022 22:49

Absolute bullshit and don’t let anyone get into your head.

I can honestly say that this whole cult of “Natural Everything Motherhood” is psychologically very damaging. If you have a C-Section, you’re made to feel like you’ve failed or missed out on something magical. (Or that you don’t deserve the mythical Olympic gold medal that women who have delivered vaginally deserve…) Nobody talks about how common post-partum injuries are, and how little is done for them. The expectation that you must spring back into Instagram-worthy shape is also dangerous and puts so much pressure on relationships.

I felt terrible guilt with my first (who is now 17). I was even abused when bottle-feeding in a change room for the first time. Nobody believed me when I said that I didn’t think I was producing enough milk. I explained that my boobs hadn’t grown, either during pregnancy or after birth, and I didn’t feel anything different. They dismissed this entirely. I gave up and felt a failure after a month with a screaming, non-growing baby.
It was only when I had my twins two years later - in a different hospital - that a midwife noticed that my boobs were the wrong shape for someone who was supposed to have had milk come in, etc, and believed me that they hadn’t grown during pregnancy, and I didn’t get a feeling of “let down”, etc… She organised an ultrasound and we discovered that I have four milk ducts in total. (Most women have at least 32 in each boob.) Obviously wasn’t going to feed one baby, let alone two. Psychologically a lot easier to deal with, and also to share the load with DH. (With twins, you absolutely need to!)

Anyhow, regardless of the reason, you snuggle and feed your baby the way you feel is best. You will absolutely bond. Everyone else can fuck off.

StillWeRise · 08/02/2022 22:50

@rainyskylight

I think first time mums get confused by the breastfeeding and think it’s a massive part of the bond they have with their baby. Ridiculous. The bond with their baby is there because they’re a new mum flooded with hormones utterly in love with their new baby. Which is exactly the same as you.
I'm sure this is true, and never thought of it that way before! don't worry about it OP and mute them. I think it's also true that you cab be a bit bonkers when you have your first baby and very narrow in focus. They probably don't have the headspace for 'don't forget Op is FFing, let's be tactful'
Dontfuckingsaycheese · 08/02/2022 22:50

It can be devastating when you hope to do it but don’t manage it. I managed a bit so I knew what it felt like and it was an amazing experience. But I couldn’t sustain it. So exclusively FF from about 4 weeks. Even now with DS now 19, I still have the odd pang of missing out. I dream about it sometimes. I sat next to a young relative doing it at Christmas and I ached at her ease in doing it. However, all those feelings are from the loss of not doing what felt so natural to me. Like I said had let my body down by not being successful. As for our bond though. Pah!! No. It mattered not a jot. We were so close we were one. 🥰 Not now though! Not physically! He moves out. But we are still a bonded pair. Well. I am… 🤔 I’m sure I’m not that far off his mind!

MuchTooTired · 08/02/2022 22:51

Oh love, you’ve not ruined her life or destroyed your bond. I had pnd with my DTs, didn’t even feel like their mother until they were 12 weeks, and (whilst I knew I loved them) didn’t feel the rush of love until I started ads. We were bonded just fine. I couldn’t bf and gave up expressing at 6 weeks, and FF from then on. It seems a massively big deal whilst you’re in the thick of new baby months, but once you start weaning nobody cares how you feed. Mine are 4 now, and we’re super bonded, but we always have been even if I didn’t feel it. Looking back, I can’t believe I put myself through utter hell and punishment due to my inability to bf - I wish I’d had a bit more confidence in myself that I was doing right by my babies.

Be kind to yourself, a happy mum = happy baby. You’re the expert on your baby 🌸

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/02/2022 22:52

The only tenuous link I can think of is that some women put a lot of pressure on themselves to breastfeed. And if it doesn't work out, they are slightly more likely to have PND if they have wanted to breastfeed. And pnd may make them feel temporarily feel like they havent bonded as well.

It's all the same, the baby is fed, they get that snuggley time with their mum, they stare into each others eyes, they fall asleep cuddling them afterwards. Anyone who says otherwise is pushing an agenda or at best, attributing their bond to something though wishful thinking - thinking about it objectively, how the fuck would they know what bond they would have with their baby if they hadn't breastfed?

I think you need some new friends to be honest. I breastfed and am a big breastfeeding advocate and think there are benefits and it should be normalised etc but a better bond is not one of them and saying that on a group chat is really insensitive. I think I'd ask them if they really think that bottle feeding mums dont bond with their kids as well?

Also...have you ever heard anyone saying 'I have such a lovely bond with my mum, it must be because she breastfed me', not because she always listens to my problems or supports my dreams or cheers me up or gives the best hugs etc

DiddyHeck · 08/02/2022 22:52

@rainyskylight

I think first time mums get confused by the breastfeeding and think it’s a massive part of the bond they have with their baby. Ridiculous. The bond with their baby is there because they’re a new mum flooded with hormones utterly in love with their new baby. Which is exactly the same as you.
Very well said.
EllaVaNight · 08/02/2022 22:53

They're just talking about their experience. Your experience is different but neither is superior or inferior. Don't take it personally (easier said than done).

I breastfeed my 2.5yo which many people disagree with. We have a great bond. Her dad has never breastfed her and they have an equally great bond.

Genzymoo · 08/02/2022 22:57

I was in a very similar position. Re breastfeeding. The comments, even the supportive ('oh well done for trying for so long', 'she will have had so much benefit from those first few weeks') made me feel crappy.

But, to be fair, there was always someone banging on about something that was going so well for them; baby being a great feeder, baby sleeping through the night, baby being really easygoing/happy/whatever. Unfortunately these all tend to play to our own insecurities.

After a while, I just ignored the messages. I couldn't breast feed; my body was not 'made for it' as was suggested by some and I couldn't deal with the added anxiety of constant comparison. I dipped in every week or two if I wanted to.

If being in the group is a negative experience, take a step back from it. You can always step back in if you want to in the future.

My children are 2 and 5. No signs that the bond us buggered.

Hapoydayz · 08/02/2022 22:58

How ridiculous. The same people 5 years on will be banging on about what book band their child is on as nobody will care how they were fed

InTheNightWeWillWish · 08/02/2022 22:58

Of course you have an equal bond with your baby. When you bottle feed them, you can look in their eyes, stroke their head - I got told off by a midwife for stroking DD’s hair when I tried to breastfeed. Even if you didn’t bond during formula feeding, you bond in other ways - when you talk to them, sing to them, bath and change them, play with them. If that wasn’t enough, your heartbeat is the first sound they heard, you were the first things they sensed, first thing they knew. You are their safe place and how you feed doesn’t change that. You recognise their cries, know their hungry cry, know if they like their milk at a certain temperature or if they prefer certain bottles.

For me, breastfeeding wasn’t bonding. It was DD screaming, wrestling her into position, me getting stressed and upset. It was feeling like a failure. FF is DD looking into my eyes, nestled into the crook of my arm, smiling as I offer the bottle, her grabbing my finger as she takers her bottle and falling asleep into me as she finishes. Trying to force myself to breastfeed would have seriously damaged my mental health and possibly my bond with DD.

FortniteBoysMum · 08/02/2022 22:59

Formula fed both my boys due to me being severely anemic during and after pregnancy. My bond with my boys has not suffered at all because of it. My youngest is 11 and he still wants cuddles daily. He couldn't be anymore of a mummies boy. My eldest is a grumpy teen but he still wants to come food shopping every week with me. That's despite him hating shopping because its one on one time. (with the occasional cake for a treat).

Volhhg · 08/02/2022 23:00

Turn it off and enjoy your baby!!!

Sideswiped · 08/02/2022 23:01

As they say, OP, 'fed is best'. That means as long as you are taking care of your baby's needs, you are doing what is right for you and your baby.
FWIW, I had one baby who was breast-fed until eight months, but by then only fed morning and last thing at night - I returned to work. With them, BFing was hard work. I had a cracked nipple (which was agony) and DC had colic (unrecognised then as they were considered too young). I also suspect they had a degree of tongue tie.
DC2 fed very well, but was born with a genetic condition which was very difficult to deal with. Now XH left me alone to deal with it, and the antidepressants I was prescribed were incompatible with BF, so ultimately I started to bottle feed at less than 2 months old.
That's a bit of a long post, so to sum it up, you aren't doing anything wrong.
Yes, it's lovely if you are able to, and want to, breastfeed, but ultimately anyone who looks after their baby's needs whatever they are, is still a good parent. The bond you have with your baby will be the same, however you choose to feed them.

SickAndTiredAgain · 08/02/2022 23:02

I think it’s a way to bond. But so are loads of other things, basically every interaction at that age whether you’re cuddling them, feeding them (breast or bottle), rocking them, playing with them etc.
I think bf can feel like a special bond because only the mother can do it, so it’s “special” because it’s different - when the baby is hungry they need you specifically. But I don’t think that’s a better bond, or special in any really significant way - and I say this as someone who breastfed DD for over 2 years and genuinely found it easy and enjoyable, but I don’t think it’s gives me any special extra bond with her that wouldn’t otherwise be there.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/02/2022 23:03

Is DH bonding with her OP? He wouldn’t be bf anyway.

becks92 · 08/02/2022 23:04

I was in your situation 4 years ago. All of my nct friends were breastfeeding and I never managed to get the latch on and baby was always hungry so had to bottle feed him. He was born 11lbs 2.
Every time we were going out for coffee they would talk about the amazing benefits of breastfeeding and how their babies won't be allergic and will eat everything etc and how amazing their bond will be .. I used to get home to my DH in floods of tears.
Fast forward 4 years .. I have the best bond with my son .. he also eats everything, has no allergies etc.
I am currently breastfeeding my second child who is 2 months old and I can honestly say it feels no different to bottle feeding.
Remember that fed is best & happy mum happy baby .. ignore the rest xx

loopycurtains · 08/02/2022 23:08

@Shutupandcry

I’m in an NCT mums WhatsApp and today there has been a lot of discussion from the breastfeeding mums about the amazing bond, nothing like it etc that breastfeeding has created. I’ve spent all day so upset- despite trying to bf I was rubbish and just couldn’t- managed 6 weeks bf with shields, expressing tiny amounts and topping up but at 4 months now DD is fully FF.

I feel I have a lovely bond with her but now feel like maybe I’m missing this amazing womanly experience and my daughter is missing out and it’ll never be as good. DH thinks I should just mute or say something about how I’m struggling with the comments but I don’t want them to think I’m shaming them or don’t want them to talk about it- they have every right to be proud. I wish I could join them.

Have I ruined her life and our bond? Anyone fed their babies differently and noticed a difference in your bond?

Utter utter bollocks. If you love your baby, you're doing just grand. Ignore the twats.
sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 08/02/2022 23:08

@rainyskylight

I think first time mums get confused by the breastfeeding and think it’s a massive part of the bond they have with their baby. Ridiculous. The bond with their baby is there because they’re a new mum flooded with hormones utterly in love with their new baby. Which is exactly the same as you.
This is lovely, and absolutely true!

OP, I promise you BFing does not make a difference to the bond you have with your DC. I present exhibit A, DS who is 17. Never managed to BF him. We can't walk past each other without giving each other a hug. I don't think he has a problem that he was fed via Avent for the first few months of his life. Love is the bit that matters.

Luredbyapomegranate · 08/02/2022 23:09

It’s A grade rubbish OP.

Just leave them to it.

user1488622199 · 08/02/2022 23:10

I’m breastfeeding my 3rd child. I have a gorgeous bond with her (too much, shes spoilt!) and I love the big stares she gives me when I’m feeding her. I bet your baby looks at you in exactly the same way because she feels exactly the same as my baby - content and loved. She doesn’t know the difference between your nipple and a bottle teat, she just knows she’s safe and that you’re there with her. I fed my middle child for 2 years. If you ask who her favourite is, it’s Daddy 100% of the time and he definitely didn’t feed her.

Nct is brilliant for some things but the chat can be overwhelming. Easier said than done but try not to compare with everyone else, trust yourself and enjoy your baby.

JustSomething · 08/02/2022 23:13

Breastfeeding is so hard. I don't know a single mum who didn't struggle with it. Most of the mums I know either formula fed or combination fed their babies and you couldn't tell which by looking at their bond or the health of the kids or anything else.

Please do mute that group. Let them feel about bf if it does but do know that it doesn't affect your bond. I combination feed ds. When I bf him I browse my phone for rubbish as he just stares straight ahead anyway if he doesn't have his eyes closed. When I'm giving him a bottle the distance and angle is perfect for me to lovingly gaze into his eyes so I actually feel closer and more connected to him.

I exclusively bf DD for because I thought breast is best and all health visitors and other people said it was the right thing to do even though she had poor weight gain and there are few things I regret more. You do what is best for your baby. There's more to caring for a Little human being then minor differences in feeding.

GinIronic · 08/02/2022 23:14

When you feed your baby - you look into each other's eyes and the bond is made right there. Breast or bottle from the moment they are born or weeks or months after they are born - it happens.