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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Failure to breastfeed = less bond?

191 replies

Shutupandcry · 08/02/2022 22:27

I’m in an NCT mums WhatsApp and today there has been a lot of discussion from the breastfeeding mums about the amazing bond, nothing like it etc that breastfeeding has created. I’ve spent all day so upset- despite trying to bf I was rubbish and just couldn’t- managed 6 weeks bf with shields, expressing tiny amounts and topping up but at 4 months now DD is fully FF.

I feel I have a lovely bond with her but now feel like maybe I’m missing this amazing womanly experience and my daughter is missing out and it’ll never be as good. DH thinks I should just mute or say something about how I’m struggling with the comments but I don’t want them to think I’m shaming them or don’t want them to talk about it- they have every right to be proud. I wish I could join them.

Have I ruined her life and our bond? Anyone fed their babies differently and noticed a difference in your bond?

OP posts:
Dreambigger · 09/02/2022 11:08

Your bond is fine...they are just being smug or thoughtless. Ignore. I wish there was less focus on this short time in the parenting journey...this period between birth and 9 /12 months is of course really important but there is soo much more than this! So much fuss about feeding/unrealistic expectations of maternity leave/buggies/classes/weaning etc. I loved it all and bought all the stuff too but there needs to be attention paid the other stages just as much. Your bond is much more than the baby stages...it grows, develops and changes so much. This is just the start! Smile

Youdoyoutoday · 09/02/2022 11:21

I haven't read the full thread but please, I beg you, get this shit out of your head!!

The bond you have with your child is an amazing one and you should never feel like this just because someone else managed to breastfeed, where do the comparisons stop? You can't buy your kid a plane because you're not a millionaire? Confused

Mine were both mixed fed as I just couldn't produce enough milk and so be it, shit happens.

I really hate this stuff about breast feeding, fed is best, simples!

FooFighter99 · 09/02/2022 13:29

I barely managed 2 weeks when DD was born, she just would not breastfeed and I beat myself up over it for years

She's 10 now and my absolute best mate! We adore each other Grin

Don't give it another thought @Shutupandcry you are doing your best, just like we all are Flowers

Blossomtoes · 09/02/2022 13:33

I was bottle fed back in the dark ages and my mum was my best friend, I couldn’t have loved her more. My son was also bottle fed, again our bond couldn’t be closer. What matters is what happens throughout a person’s childhood, not how they get their nourishment in their first year.

I think your husband is spot on @Shutupandcry.

Singlebutmarried · 09/02/2022 14:03

Oh OP

It’s shit like your WhatsApp group that made me leave the NCT group (after 2 meetings before baby was born), stop going to baby groups and generally just find my own way.

Luckily I had friends with babies (their second + babies) so I spent time with them.

I spent so long being made to feel awful for heating up a bottle.

Honestly the first three months were shit due to the attitudes of the breast is best, listen only to classical music types.

We bottle fed and the child fell asleep to MTV dance or classics. Still does 10 years on.

DrunkUnicorn · 09/02/2022 17:05

Hah! Currently bf'ing my DC and it's a bloody struggle I tell you. Every time I latch on LO I know we'd have a much better bond and much better time of it all if they weren't attempting to chew off my nipples. It's sheer cussedness that we aren't doing bottles yet.

DrunkUnicorn · 09/02/2022 17:08

Hit send too soon. So what I mean to say is - do what works for you and what keeps you and baby stress free. Breastfeeding or bottle-feeding won't determine your bond, and anyone who tries to preach otherwise is an idiot with an agenda. Sorry for sounding so aggressive but I really cannot stand people who seem to think they know what is best for others, especially when others are in a vulnerable or emotionally fragile place.

CanofCant · 09/02/2022 17:25

It makes no difference. You're her mum and she loves you. You're doing brilliantly.

GoldenGorilla · 09/02/2022 17:26

I breastfed one child but not the other. Honestly don’t think there’s any difference in my bond with them!

Also I’m one of 4 - my mum breastfed 2 of us, formula fed 2, and I’m not aware of any differences in our bond with her - when we found that out as adults (when my eldest sister was struggling to breastfeed and it came up) we couldn’t even begin to guess which was which.

If breastfeeding works out it’s cheap, and convenient, and a nice excuse to sit quietly with a baby for a while. But it’s not the thing that makes you bond with your babies.

Liverbird77 · 09/02/2022 17:26

It's a load of bollocks. Don't give it another thought! I primarily bottle fed one child and ebf the other. Love them both equally. They are both close to me. Fed is best. Science milk is amazing!

mogschristmascalamity · 09/02/2022 17:33

Absolute pap. I had emcs and couldnt bf. Didnt manage a drop of milk. Dd and i are as close as anything.

If anything shes a little obsessed with me ConfusedHmm

LadyWhistledownsPen · 09/02/2022 17:40

What a load of rubbish! I've FF both my kids and our bond is just fine.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 09/02/2022 17:47

Let’s see how bonded they feel when their cute little baby is a stroppy teen WinkGrin

Parenting is a long, wonderful, frustrating, fulfilling, exasperating journey. Please don’t let people suck the joy out of it for you with their self-congratulatory wittering. As long as you are doing your best to nurture your baby and support and love your children as they grow, you are doing an amazing job irrespective of how you feed them.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 09/02/2022 17:51

*I didn't beast feed.
Not couldn't
Didn't.
Don't want to. Despite intrusion and unsolicited advice from the breastfeeding mind control woman at the hospital, who seemed more than a little unhinged.

Apparently this makes me akin to a serial killer*

I wish more people felt able to say this. I don’t actually think bf is a choice in the society, people feel they have to, or have to try. If more people could just say “i don’t want to”, and not feel judged, there wouldn’t be half the emotional guilt.

I also have a theory that being able to simply not, would actually increase bf rates. As pp said, when others saw me or found out I was bf successfully they usually started with a defensive tale as to why they couldn’t, and all the things that went wrong.

Generally, many of the things that went wrong were basic lack of good bf support. Stuff like “everyone knows you can’t breastfeed a 9lb baby”, and that not going all night at 6 weeks didn’t mean low supply, and feeding more often than 4 hourly doesn’t mean low supply.

My concern is if they’re telling worried new mums this, they may also think they have supply issues if the baby is feeding 2 hourly at 2 weeks old.

You don’t have to justify why you did or did not feed. It is entirely your choice. I know bf is fucking hard, i know some people just don’t want to. It is fine.

1forward2back · 09/02/2022 17:56

DD breastfed smoothly from birth to 3. DS, no chance! Was losing weight as not properly latching so went to bottle after a few days. Can honestly say (though I wish this wasn’t the case) the bond with him lol s stronger! Do what is right for you and baby and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!

Lucyccfc68 · 09/02/2022 18:01

When are the ‘tit police’ going to realise that their judgemental comments can create all sorts of mental health issues.

TheOrigRights · 09/02/2022 18:07

For me I think that BF helped me bond more quickly with both my sons.
The oxytocin rush was like nothing else.

I also returned to work full time when DS1 was 12 weeks and DS2 9 months.

BF then helped as it was the one thing only I could do.

Who knows. We have a very good bond and I'm sure it would have been good with FF, but this is what I tell myself.

GetYourEightYearOldOutOfATree · 09/02/2022 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 09/02/2022 18:15

I breastfed for 2 years. Struggled to bond.

Breastfed again (another baby) and no difficulty bonding.

For me it was more about the birth experience and pregnancy than it was about breastfeeding.

Bells3032 · 09/02/2022 18:25

My little one is 7 weeks now and ended up mixing from the start to only ff by four weeks. I wanted to breast feed so much and pumped and pumped to get my supply up and just never managed more than a couple of ml a day. Eventually I had to do what was best for her and she is thriving.

And I honestly don't get what more bonding bf supplies that holding a bottle for them doesn't. That makes no sense.

In actuality my friends who are bf are prob less bonding with their babies as they are exhausted due to being up all night feeding on demand and never being able to take a break. Whilst not well rested I at least have the energy to snuggle her and play and bond with her all day.

Furthermore eye contact far better with ff than bf. No better feeling of love than when she looks up at me with those big blue eyes

TheKeatingFive · 09/02/2022 18:28

Parenting is a long, wonderful, frustrating, fulfilling, exasperating journey. Please don’t let people suck the joy out of it for you with their self-congratulatory wittering

This is wonderful advice

Gowithme · 09/02/2022 18:43

You fed/partial fed for four months and clearly tried bloody hard - you certainly weren't rubbish and have nothing to feel bad about. Are you still getting anything useful from this group? Maybe it's time to move on.

yikesanotherbooboo · 09/02/2022 18:58

Of course it's not true. Poor you, you and your baby will have the same bond either way. Most children in this country are not breast fed ; they are still close to their mothers.

thebabessavedme · 09/02/2022 18:59

Some people don't half talk a lot of bollocks, I am late 50s, My mum chose to formula feed all 3 of us, my Dad was never in the delivery room, he was down the pub waiting for news, none of us have EVER felt any lack of a bond, even in the heat of a good family row!

I chose to formula feed my own child, Her father was in the delivery room but chose to walk out on her when she was a baby, so much for the bonding moment of birthConfused she in her turn formula fed my dgs, we all love each other dearly, I would give my life for my dd and my dgs.

OP, don't worry, I think we all know breast feeding is 'a good thing', don't feel bad for not doing it, it's not for everyone, just be thankful we have a really good alternative.

HorseInTheHouse · 09/02/2022 19:03

@Bells3032

My little one is 7 weeks now and ended up mixing from the start to only ff by four weeks. I wanted to breast feed so much and pumped and pumped to get my supply up and just never managed more than a couple of ml a day. Eventually I had to do what was best for her and she is thriving.

And I honestly don't get what more bonding bf supplies that holding a bottle for them doesn't. That makes no sense.

In actuality my friends who are bf are prob less bonding with their babies as they are exhausted due to being up all night feeding on demand and never being able to take a break. Whilst not well rested I at least have the energy to snuggle her and play and bond with her all day.

Furthermore eye contact far better with ff than bf. No better feeling of love than when she looks up at me with those big blue eyes

I don't understand why people always have to come on these threads and say the opposite. No, you're not more bonded with your baby than your breastfeeding friends.

OP, your breastfeeding friends are not more bonded with their babies than you are with yours.

It doesn't bloody matter. Enjoy your babies and stop thinking about how you're doing things better or worse than your friends.