Failure to breastfeed = less bond?

[Shutupandcry]

I’m in an NCT mums WhatsApp and today there has been a lot of discussion from the breastfeeding mums about the amazing bond, nothing like it etc that breastfeeding has created. I’ve spent all day so upset- despite trying to bf I was rubbish and just couldn’t- managed 6 weeks bf with shields, expressing tiny amounts and topping up but at 4 months now DD is fully FF.

I feel I have a lovely bond with her but now feel like maybe I’m missing this amazing womanly experience and my daughter is missing out and it’ll never be as good. DH thinks I should just mute or say something about how I’m struggling with the comments but I don’t want them to think I’m shaming them or don’t want them to talk about it- they have every right to be proud. I wish I could join them.

Have I ruined her life and our bond? Anyone fed their babies differently and noticed a difference in your bond?

I didn't beast feed.
Not couldn't
Didn't.
Don't want to. Despite intrusion and unsolicited advice from the breastfeeding mind control woman at the hospital, who seemed more than a little unhinged.

Apparently this makes me akin to a serial killer.

I seem to be the rare person that had a really lovely NCT group - it could have been because we all where on the 2nd or 3rd baby. Yes the person that ran it was a little militant with some things - I was having a planned c-section and she was quite rude I felt about it during the birthing class.

I’ve had 2 planned sections Breastfeed one bottle fed one - bonding was fine. I couldn’t breastfeed my first it never clicked but my second was a lot easier - that helps. Am I disappointed that I didn’t stick at trying with my first - NO - she was hungry & crying, I was tired emotional mess feeling like a failure - it wasn’t worth my mental health to try and make it work (sorry not sorry) my job as a mother was to take care of her and bottle feed it was :) no regrets! Second one breastfeeding was so easier it just worked - she got it I got it - doesn’t mean I bonded more with her! Snuggles same with both :)

Why people say stuff like this - having a baby is tough! And no one should be laying on crap like this!! It can make an already tough emotional time bloody harder!

I've breastfed all 3 of mine, for what feels like about 200 years. With my first I ploughed on through tongue tie, mastitis, blocked ducts, reflux...it was awful. With hindsight, I should have stopped long before I did, in a way it made me bond less with him as it was so awful. My younger 2 were easier to feed, but with older children the feeds were never very relaxing or bonding times, just something I try to do as quickly as possible while shouting instructions to the toddler who inevitably needs a poo just as I start feeding.
When I have had the me with each baby, holding them while they sleep, cuddling them, bathing them, talking to them while I change them, comforting them when they're upset - that's when I feel the bond. As I get to know them, as they grow, as I feel I understand them and they understand me and we work on communicating, when their little faces light up and they smile when they see me, that's our bond. I'm a long term breaastfeeder, I was lucky it worked out for me, but it wasn't where I felt bonded and connected to my children.

I felt the whole time with my first I was doing something wrong and had a constant feeling of guilt and not measuring up and I put a lot of that down to the NCT WhatsApp group. If it's helpful great, but if it's not, no shame in leaving it, I wish I had.

Breast feeding is what it is. It certainly wasn't some amazing, serene, peaceful bonding experience for me. In fact in the early days I may as well have been a big walking hot dog as that's all my daughter saw me as!
With FF there's less of a food association with mum so they are more content with just cuddles without demanding anything else which is more bonding in my opinion!

Not bashing breast feeding cos it's great in lots of ways but if the only way someone can bond with their child is through breast feeding then that says a lot... it's also got a shelf life! I know women who don't want to give it up as they say they Like that toddler only wants them! But they want them for a reason iyswim,

I think it's total bollocks tbh.

Bonding is established by turning up everyday, every hour and being there for your baby and developing trust and nuturing relationship. That's more than simply feeding. It's about touching your baby, showing love and attention to baby. Teaching them about the world and about your family. Bonding continues well beyond the baby years, and I doubt BF mums are suggesting that when they stop BF their toddlers that suddenly their bond with the child is reduced?

Feeding is genuinely such an insignificant part of an infant's life when you think of the bigger picture.

BF mums might think they love BF and feel bonded during BF. But FF mums feel the same too. I loved bottle feeding my babies - stroking their faces, squidging their podgy legs and having them hold my fingers. It was beautiful at times. .... But... similar to BF mums, there were also countless bottles/feeds when I'd just watch TV or scroll my phone.

Let's all remember not to over romanticize feeding babies!

How you feed doesn't make the bond, it's far more complex than that. People just like to big themselves up - competitive mothering at its worst.

I'm one of those lucky sods who found bf easy, but my bond with my now adult DDs didn't come from that - it's come from everything that's happened since they were born, and it's still growing and changing now that they have flown the nest.

I tried my hardest to breast feed, but my daughter just didn't want to latch, and on the rare occasion she did, I just couldn't express enough milk. What was I going to do, let her starve so we could 'Bond' or feed her??? Plus it meant that my ex and family members got the chance to BOND with her too, just in a different way Xx

It’s a load of crap to put it bluntly. I thought that people had stopped talking like this and were much more aware of the impact on new mums mental health when they can’t breastfeed but they wanted to.
I bottle fed my first dd as I couldn’t breastfeed and I remember these comments well, four years later I had my son and I breastfed him for 3 1/2 years 😳 (he wouldn’t even take a bottle) the bond with each of my children was equal. Bottle fed or breast fed it hasn’t made a difference to my children.

I really struggled with breastfeeding, I did it for about a week but it was horrendous. Baby would only feed on one, and then only for a few minutes, and she was always fussing and crying. I absolutely loved her to pieces so I wouldn't say that I couldn't bond, but it was difficult. I felt like I was failing her and she was losing weight. I switched to FF and she was suddenly a happy, settled baby and about 73% of my stress just went away.

I'd just ignore the comments, but if you want to, you could respond with something like "guys, it's lovely to be proud of breastfeeding, but can we knock it off with the 'there's nothing else like it' comments? Formula feeding is right for some mums (including me!) and it'd be great if there was less mum guilt in the world."

[quote Justilou1]@R3ALLY - sorry I didn’t see your question. I answered a bit further up.[/quote]
Thanks and sorry again for hijacking the thread! I'm just fascinated by what causes this. I'm totally over it - my kids are in secondary school! but all of my family BF so there doesn't seem to have been a genetic link but I have classic IGT, tubular breasts, wide spacing, minimal changes etc. I would love if more was known about it simply because I was given so much wrong information when I tried to BF - no amount of skin to skin or porridge was going to help.

To get back to the OP - I think it's fine for parents to say what they are doing and enjoying and what helps THEM, be it BF, or co-sleeping or leaving the baby overnight with a grandparent or whatever. But it does get hurtful if someone says this is the 'only' way to get it right or, 'my experience is better than yours'. Only you know what the tone of the group is but at this early stage, if anything upsets you, just tune it out.

I bf, and found it relatively easy.

However I never found it an “amazing” bonding experience. I fucking hated it most of the time if I’m honest. But I did it because it was easier and cheaper than formula.

I’d be asking how their partners all feel not being able to bond with their children .

The obsession with feeding babies is wierd. The amount of times bf mothers all get called selfish and told they need to give bottle so others can “share the experience”, and dad/granny/next door neighbour can’t bond if they don’t get to feed the baby.

Nope.

Breastfeeding made my bond worse because I resented being the only feeding & comfort mechanism.

They’re spouting absolute nonsense, evangelising about their own choice or ability to exclusively BF to the detriment of other people’s feelings in the group. It’s very hurtful. As someone unable to BF I would have taken this really badly. I think you should say something, one would hope they are just being thoughtless and not intentionally mean.

My 16 month old still holds my finger in his fist when he has his bedtime bottle, as he’s done since he was a newborn. A bond is a bond regardless of feeding method. If he hadn’t have had formula, he wouldn’t be here today.

@WTF475878237NC

I think you should mute it and not be hard on yourself. There was nothing like the feeling of seeing the baby I breastfed de-latch give me the biggest smiles, sign for my milk and stroke my boob tenderly as she grew. With enough support I would have loved this with all of them. I know that's painful for people who couldn't breastfeed but it's true for me.

Were your other babies who weren't breastfed not able to smile at you, sign for milk, and stroke your boob too?

I don't think it's the breastfeeding as much as the skin on skin. I think if you're doing skin on skin and making eye contact whilst giving the bottle you're not doing too much different bonding wise.

I exclusively breastfed 2 of mine and kid fed but mostly formula fed my eldest.

I felt they were all really close to me.

They’re spouting absolute nonsense, evangelising about their own choice or ability to exclusively BF to the detriment of other people’s feelings in the group

This. I breast fed my first and absolutely hated it, he kept losing weight and it was so stressful. Breast fed my second for 24hrs and sent DH out for bottles. There is no difference in the bond I have with them.

It sounds like they are confusing the strength of the bond with the type of relationship between mother and baby.

Personally, I know that when I wasn't breastfeeding, my relationship with my baby was different to when I was (but our bond wasn't necessarily stronger - in fact it took me many months to bond with my second, due to pnd and I breastfed the whole time). The difference in relationship when breastfeeding had both upsides and downsides.

Upsides: more in sync e.g we seemed to sleep and wake at the same time, being forced to have many close check in times throughout the day where I was unable to do anything but sit down and feed the baby (while cluster feeding/comfort sucking etc) meant we chilled out together regularly and the baby got that close comfort.

Downsides: resentment at being needed so much probably affected how I felt about the baby at some points! There were definitely times when I feel more like a source of food than a human.
A less playful relationship/less time to play.

It's definitely a different relationship - the baby relies on you, exclusively, more. By definition, you relate to each other differently when breastfeeding! I don't think the way you feed your baby could possibly make you love them any more or less though, or make them love you more or less. You're friends are being silly if they think otherwise.

It's a bit tricky though - I found that when I had small babies, family members would ask how I was feeding the baby and as soon as I said I was breastfeeding, would get really defensive about the fact that they didn't breastfeed. It was bizarre. I actually had a really positive breastfeeding experience and he only people I have ever been able to tell this too are medical professionals. Which is sad, because I suspect that if more people shared their positive breastfeeding stories and experience, it could really help new mums who were on he fence about it.

But they signed for her milk so it must have created a different bond! What utter nonsense. If a baby stroking your boob is what gives mums a close bond with there babies I’m worried for humanity!

I could wait to stop breastfeeding at 3 months. Now he actually wants to cuddle me, not just feed from me.
I was at a baby group recently and 1 baby started crying loudly and that set all the other babies off. Two breastfeeding mums comforted their babies by feeding them (fair enough)… I comforted mine by picking him up and giving him a cuddle. They were all comforted.

*couldn’t wait

Breastfeeding can be a way to bond for some, just like a huge number of other things you do with your baby are. It doesn't equal a better overall bond or anything like that. It's just an additional method for some women. That's all.

Two of mine were bottle fed and a one was breast fed. Now I have a 15 year old (ff) a 13 year old (bf) and a nearly 2 year old (ff). My bond with all of them is amazing. My bond with DC2 is the same as my bond with her siblings.

What an utter load of tripe. I think sometimes breastfeeding mothers get far too smug and like to rub it in the faces of those who can't or won't. You don't need all that as a new mum, it's bullshit anyway. A great bond will be created no matter how you feed them x

Also, if by 'bond' they mean a baby who is stuck to them 24/7, won't get put down or let the poor mum sleep then is that really what you want?! I couldn't have been more relieved when I started formula.

Not in my experience.
Also a mother breast feeding ime doesn't hinder the bond a father has with the baby, though some bring this up as a reason to NOT breastfeed. 🤷