Page 4 | Failure to breastfeed = less bond?

Shutupandcry · 2022-02-08T22:27:14+00:00

I’m in an NCT mums WhatsApp and today there has been a lot of discussion from the breastfeeding mums about the amazing bond, nothing like it etc that breastfeeding has created. I’ve spent all day so upset- despite trying to bf I was rubbish and just couldn’t- managed 6 weeks bf with shields, expressing tiny amounts and topping up but at 4 months now DD is fully FF. I feel I have a lovely bond with her but now feel like maybe I’m missing this amazing womanly experience and my daughter is missing out and it’ll never be as good. DH thinks I should just mute or say something about how I’m struggling with the comments but I don’t want them to think I’m shaming them or don’t want them to talk about it- they have every right to be proud. I wish I could join them. Have I ruined her life and our bond? Anyone fed their babies differently and noticed a difference in your bond?

marthasGinyard · 09/02/2022 02:33

It's bollox Op

Aussiegirl123456 · 09/02/2022 03:00

Nope. Just a tiny bit of parenting.
Currently feeding my 2.5yr old and I can honestly say it’s a love hate relationship we have with breastfeeding. She loves it and I hate it.
I’ve fed all my children (I have 4), the first child was only fed for a few weeks; others fed for min of 2 years. The bond I have with them all is exactly equal. My 16 and 15 year olds have no recollection of how I fed them and quite frankly they wouldn’t care. They remember everything else I’ve done for them and the sacrifices I’ve made for them and the time, energy and love I’ve given them. They’re going to remember me helping with home work, listening to their problems and supporting them and our funny experiences with driving lessons (which is where we’re at right now).

Bonds can also be broken by breastfeeding too, people forget that. It also takes its toll on the mother’s body and is a huge commitment - especially when they’re toddlers and you want to stop months ago but you know the child really needs it. Projecting there.

So please don’t beat yourself up. You’re doing your best so be happy with that.

PurBal · 09/02/2022 03:36

Breastfeeding isn’t pass or fail. Your NCT mums are dicks frankly and talking out of their arses.

Suzi888 · 09/02/2022 03:53

@rainyskylight

I think first time mums get confused by the breastfeeding and think it’s a massive part of the bond they have with their baby. Ridiculous. The bond with their baby is there because they’re a new mum flooded with hormones utterly in love with their new baby. Which is exactly the same as you.

^ This Utter BS to say if you don’t or indeed can’t BF that your bond is affected. DD age 6 was FF and if the bond was any stronger she would ‘climb back in my tummy’ if she could! - her words not mine. She’s addicted to me, which is occasionally overwhelming! In fact she’s in bed with me now and DH has slipped into her bed

. Everyone is now fast asleep, apart from me!

bunnyskywalker · 09/02/2022 03:58

These holier than thou sanctimonious NCT mums really piss me off. There was one in my group who was very vocal about "the bond" but luckily the rest of my group were pretty chilled (we all breastfed our kids for various lengths of time 3 months - 3 years) and she was in the minority. I am combined feeding now with my newborn after EBF my first and it almost destroyed me. I agree with pp that breastfeeding can also break bonds too. I found it absolutely overwhelming but by the time I tried to switch to formula at 3 months, my DC refused a bottle and I couldn't use a pump to express (doesn't work in everyone) so I was forced to continue and I hated it. As soon as she was eating well and taking a sippy cup of formula I stopped

nameisnotimportant · 09/02/2022 04:42

No complete rubbish. I breastfed both of mine for a year but I hated it and the bond definitely got better once I stopped!

Okla · 09/02/2022 05:05

Absolutely untrue. Fed is best and so not dictate strength in bond. I would absolutely say something along the lines of. "with every respect, talking about breastfeeding and bonds is a little insensitive to those who have been unable to".

Antsgomarching · 09/02/2022 05:09

I was breastfed - am NC with my mum, DH bottle fed, calls his mum weekly.

HoppingPavlova · 09/02/2022 05:12

Absolute rubbish. In fact, I’d say my bond with my one who wasn’t breastfed (pumped and bottle fed as they physically couldn’t breastfeed), was stronger than that with my breastfed ones. People talk a load of shite.

RedRobin100 · 09/02/2022 05:19

Nonsense

I breastfed exclusively for 10 months - can’t say I felt like it was a “bonding experience”
I kinda hated it and feel like I grew to resent DC a bit before I stopped.
I remember crying a lot when he kept fucking clawing at me and climbing on me to feed.

Also, because only I was feeding him, it was like he hated my husband until he was weaning.

I’ll be doing things differently this time around and trying to pump (couldn’t get it to work for me last time)

People are idiots don’t listen to them - they’re living their insta-lives talking about bonding and shit. It’s honestly not real life, breastfeeding is fucking hard (and it actually went very easily and smoothly for me with no real issues)

RedRobin100 · 09/02/2022 05:19

@Okla

Absolutely untrue. Fed is best and so not dictate strength in bond. I would absolutely say something along the lines of. "with every respect, talking about breastfeeding and bonds is a little insensitive to those who have been unable to".

and this.. call them out on it

RedRobin100 · 09/02/2022 05:22

Sounds like we had very similar experiences!

I’m due soon with my no 2 and really hoping I can give expressing a better go this time - will Invest in a better pump for one!

EdgeOfACoin · 09/02/2022 05:26

I combi fed in the early days because my baby wasn't gaining enough weight. One thing I noticed was that my baby tends to close her eyes when breastfeeding. When bottle feeding she would stare into my eyes. Sometimes she would smile at me mid-bottle, which was beautiful, and not something she does when breastfeeding (she's too busy trying to extract the milk). Those are the lovely moments when bottle-feeding that I do miss. It was definitely bonding time, and the snuggles from bottle-feeding are the same as those from breastfeeding.

All that said, I'm unimpressed by some of the comments on this thread. Women sharing their experiences of breastfeeding and talking about how they enjoy it and how they feel it helps them bond with their babies aren't 'twats' or 'competitive mummies' or any of the other nonsense on here. They are talking about their own experiences, not running the OP down! If a new mother can't talk about the enjoyment of breastfeeding with her NCT group, who the hell can she discuss it with? Should women shut up about their own positive experiences in case it makes other women feel bad? Breastfeeding is a unique experience between mother and baby - of course it's a special thing and one that women are allowed to talk about without having to tiptoe on eggshells.

Queenie6655 · 09/02/2022 06:09

Utter nonsense

Some of the bull spouted in. These nct groups infuriates me

Ignore all of it

Darbs76 · 09/02/2022 06:11

I have 3 kids and only managed to BF one for longer than 2-3wks (not for want of trying). It didn’t affect our bond no, not at all. People need to be more sensitive around what they say and it’s rubbish anyway

Whoopsies · 09/02/2022 06:25

I've had one of each, ds1 I gave up bf pretty much straight away and formula fed him. Ds2 I breastfed totally exclusively to 18 months! I can honestly say that my bond with each is totally the same. Ds1 is 8 now and we are just the closest. Actually ds2 is the more independent one and far more a daddy's boy! I totally get all those feelings, u felt like such a failure for not bf ds1 but as time has gone on I can recognise all the wonderful things I've done for him and all the ways I'm a great mum.

Pamlar · 09/02/2022 06:59

It's dreadful smugness and totally ridiculous. I am a big believer in breastfeeding it worked with some of mine but not all and it's so much more important to do what is right for you and your baby.
I am grateful that all my kids are close to me but the relationship is different with each -as it should be.
New mothers sometimes feel overwhelmed with baby high hormones and need to tell everyone -fair enough, good for them. Ignore ignore ignore and enjoy your baby.
Sorry to say that all parenting WhatsApp groups are generally the work of satan

MsFrog · 09/02/2022 07:04

I actually bonded better and quicker with my FF baby because the difficulties of bf affected my bond with my first baby. Its rubbish, the bond comes from nurturing, not breastfeeding xxxx

VikingOnTheFridge · 09/02/2022 07:12

@EdgeOfACoin

I combi fed in the early days because my baby wasn't gaining enough weight. One thing I noticed was that my baby tends to close her eyes when breastfeeding. When bottle feeding she would stare into my eyes. Sometimes she would smile at me mid-bottle, which was beautiful, and not something she does when breastfeeding (she's too busy trying to extract the milk). Those are the lovely moments when bottle-feeding that I do miss. It was definitely bonding time, and the snuggles from bottle-feeding are the same as those from breastfeeding.

All that said, I'm unimpressed by some of the comments on this thread. Women sharing their experiences of breastfeeding and talking about how they enjoy it and how they feel it helps them bond with their babies aren't 'twats' or 'competitive mummies' or any of the other nonsense on here. They are talking about their own experiences, not running the OP down! If a new mother can't talk about the enjoyment of breastfeeding with her NCT group, who the hell can she discuss it with? Should women shut up about their own positive experiences in case it makes other women feel bad? Breastfeeding is a unique experience between mother and baby - of course it's a special thing and one that women are allowed to talk about without having to tiptoe on eggshells.

Well no. If they're saying there's nothing like the breastfeeding bond, that means they're also talking about other people's experiences too, experiences they haven't actually had and thus cannot understand. Those other people then have the right to comment on the matter.

And actually, it is pretty bad behaviour on the part of the BF mums in question here. If they simply said it was unique and special and they liked it, that would be fine. Wouldn't involve making assumptions about anyone else's experiences or appropriating them for some ranking system.

Nc123 · 09/02/2022 07:14

BF is great but not the only way to have that bond. I couldn’t BF DS1 as he’s adopted and so I didn’t have milk - I haven’t bonded with him any less because of it.

RegardingMary · 09/02/2022 07:15

Please don't let them upset you OP.

I remember mine being that age. All conversations seem to revolve around the how little pain relief you had in labour and how you're feeding. Next up will be sleeping through the night, crawling and talking. Women like that are simple horrid and trying to cover for some inbuilt mum guilt they're feeling.

It makes absolutely not 1 jot of a difference. You love your child because they're yours, not because they've breastfed.

Tell them...

Hmm I can't imagine needing to rely on breastfeeding in order to bond with my own child, that just came naturally to us.

Justilou1 · 09/02/2022 07:22

@R3ALLY - sorry I didn’t see your question. I answered a bit further up.

Trunumber · 09/02/2022 07:34

I breastfed DS for bloody years. Our bond is absolutely no different because of it. I liked breastfeeding/ it was easy for me but don't let others convince you there is some magical motherly bond in there, there isn't.

Mum didn't breastfeed me and I adore her, always have and always will

AliceW89 · 09/02/2022 07:35

Are you all close and do they know about what you have been through with breastfeeding? If they do it’s pretty insensitive. Aside from that, as long as they haven’t been equating formula feeding to ‘less bond’ I don’t think they are doing anything wrong personally. They are allowed to enjoy breastfeeding and discuss privately the effects it has on the relationship with their child. If it turns into a bash on formula feeding then that’s a completely different kettle of fish. But I’m struggling to see how they are being smug or anything like that. If it’s upsetting for you (which I can entirely see how it would be) just say to them you need a bit of space to process your breastfeeding grief. If they are good people they’ll stop the chat about it.

HeyBlaby · 09/02/2022 07:37

Breast fed my DS, can't imagine ever feeling the need to harp on about an 'amazing bond', sounds like they are self obsessed with nothing better to do.