Page 19 | Friend won't catch up on weekends...

Chocomelon · 09/02/2022 21:58

I don't think you're unreasonable to want to meet up with her but she's also entitled to not want to meet up in the weekends. There could be reasons why she has met up with other people and not you. You know her position so you either accept it or don't.

destinations22 · 09/02/2022 22:01

Having a child does change things a lot, but the bit I can't get over is that she socialises with other people at weekends. I also don't know anyone who has boundaries like this with friends by the way.

I think you could reasonably text her "I am sorry if I have been difficult to get hold of, work is busy and also I am slightly confused about the boundary, because you said no weekends but that then I wonder if that had changed when you saw other friends at the weekend, is the boundary now changed or does the boundary only apply to me?"

I think it would also be fair for you to say that your boundary is no week nights as you work full time on week days, and you are sorry but you need to be on form for work at the moment...!!

Overall I think you are right, it is a dysfunctional dynamic and it sounds as though you have outgrown it but she hasn't. So for you to be sensitive about drawing away might be a good idea.

DrFoxtrot · 09/02/2022 22:08

I find it bizarre that people make plans for weekdays with friends because they work and want to keep weekends free . I hate weekday plans as I'm knackered after work! I would probably only accept and make plans with friends at the weekend and I've never had friendships where we've been at odds with each other.

YANBU, on some level there's a friendship incompatibility, you're not on the same wavelength.

DrFoxtrot · 09/02/2022 22:11

Also what are the 'couple things' that people are doing at the weekends with other couples? Surely going for drinks or a meal is something you can do in couples or with a mix of single people and couples? I can't think of any social activity that is different for single people and couples.

The word couples is annoying me now

Monopolyiscrap · 09/02/2022 22:11

I agree that weekdays are harder. Maybe people who do this have an easy job?
I will go out on weekdays, but for shorter meetups - say 2 hours max and somewhere very local.
And loads of people I know have work to do in the evenings as well. And for anyone with school-aged kids weekdays are harder.

katepilar · 09/02/2022 22:14

Sorry I havent been able to read all of your updates. I wanted to add that it might be a bit difficult to fill your time at weekends in a different town and not at home. Workdays are filled with work and weekends are all free and there might be too much time alone which might be upsetting for people with past trauma/depression/anxiety. Thats one possibility that I can think of as to why you were so set up for the meetups at the weekend.
I might have different attitude to friendships - I have friends in different towns, sometimes different countries and cant see them sometimes for a couple of years. Same goes for some friend in my city who have started a family. I dont stop being friends with them because of that.
Also I find that people I met online through a self-help group cant be my friends as they just have too much their own trauma and dont seem to be able to move on from that while I keep moving somewhere and dont enjoy talking just about how shit we feel and nothing else in common with them.

chickywoo · 09/02/2022 22:15

I don’t think it may be her fault maybe it’s he husband with the issue, he obviously doesn’t like her doing her own thing in what he considers ‘their ‘ time together, so they can catch up with couples, family etc in this time but for her to go out on her own with you he obviously has an issue with.

Original poster

Amibeinghighmaintenance · 09/02/2022 22:20

@DrFoxtrot - indeed. Well I got bumped last week to 3:00 on a Wednesday because she had to go to pick up takeaway to have as a supper with Couple Friends.

According to @UniversalAunt it is a complex process of building a sustainable family structure that can only be done with family and people with children. I am not clear why a single person is excluded from this complicated and mysterious process.

I've an Auntie three times over and very close to my niblings. I was single for times during this period. I did not have to eat and drink in a separate room.

See - I'm getting snarky. Bed time for me - if I don't get enough sleep I have tantrums.

OP posts:

katepilar · 09/02/2022 22:23

[quote Amibeinghighmaintenance]@katepilar - ah yes - there is no way that anyone who doesn't have a child can possibly imagine what it means to have a lot of pressures and different priorities. And having a child means that whatever suits you is reasonable.

That means that the only way in which a person with a child can have a functional relationship with a single person if the single person entirely puts aside their own needs and everything is on the person with child's terms. You can't possibly think that it is a reasonable position. Well - obviously you do. But I struggle to see how that's reasonable.

And I think that's what I'm struggling with. I feel quite unreasonable to basically dump my friend because she's got a kid. But when that is the dynamic I'm presented with I really can't see how there is any other choice![/quote]
I feel it almost the way you describe it - that a single person might need to do more bending their wishes as they are more able to than someone with a baby. Doesnt mean you need to go against your needs. Imho if you cant fit in with what she can fit in then you just dont meet. If that means for you you cant be friends with her then thats it I guess.
Having said that, there is likely to be more in this relationship just by scrolling through your posts which I couldnt read all.

Cornishclio · 09/02/2022 22:28

I think she is being rude and expecting everything to be on her terms. Having a partner and children does not mean you get to be selfish and make no effort with friends. One day her children will need her less and her partner may be off doing their own thing and then she will regret she has no friends. Personally I would not bother with her any more and when she texts to moan about you disengaging point out you work full time.

I am married with now grown up children but never differentiated between single friends or those in a couple even when our children were small. Have never set clear cut boundaries as to when we meet up and would certainly not hurt a friend by making them feel small while prioritising other friends over them unless I was not bothered about maintaining the friendship.

Monopolyiscrap · 09/02/2022 22:33

@katepilar there are a lot of assumptions in your post. Someone single will probably have work commitments, they may have caring commitments for parents or other elderly people, they may have voluntary work commitments, or be undertaking training. Not all single people have every evening and every weekend free to socialise.

Nowomenaroundeh · 09/02/2022 22:35

Op yanbu in any way whatsoever.

I was single for many years, all of my thirties in fact and I did come across this stuff - being invited for a casual dinner on a Thursday night but permanently left off the weekend dinner party list.

It's very natural to feel hurt and to be less available. Why is it all on her terms?

I am intrigued by her stating Her Boundary. What a bizarre way to phrase something. It's like what you secretly impose on an ex who won't stay out of your relationship. How did this come up exactly? I would be tempted to impose pretty severe boundaries (of the bridge burning variety) after that.

KosherDill · 09/02/2022 22:40

[quote Monopolyiscrap]@katepilar there are a lot of assumptions in your post. Someone single will probably have work commitments, they may have caring commitments for parents or other elderly people, they may have voluntary work commitments, or be undertaking training. Not all single people have every evening and every weekend free to socialise.[/quote]
I know; such an infuriating attitude.

Singles manage complicated lives without a ready-made helper; in many cases it's more difficult than for marrieds, not less.

OP, I'd write her off and move on.

BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 09/02/2022 22:43

OP, I personally think it does seem a bit one sided in her favour. I have 3 children but I’d never presume I could dictate terms of engagement with friends or family because of this. I would simply say to my friends “oh what a shame, I can’t meet during the week”.

I think if she didn’t come across as needy and a bit demanding herself then it would be a bit of a non-issue. But to be funny about you not texting over the weekend but being so adamant she can’t spend any time with you at the weekend is a tad controlling IMO. The thing that would irk me is to be saying that but then sharing pictures etc that she is choosing to spend her time with friends at the weekend elsewhere, would make me every bit justified in simply never being flexible myself. You can feel 100% ok about simply accepting, she has her own life and rules and you don’t have to fit in to that if it doesn’t suit you. I expect she won’t accept that though and will firmly place any perceived blame at your doorstep. You’ll find ghosting a must then unfortunately 😬

Original poster

Amibeinghighmaintenance · 09/02/2022 22:49

@katepilar - I have a full time job plus self employed work plus properties plus a dog plus managing all my personal affairs plus doing all my own cooking, cleaning and shopping.

"Bending my wishes" to someone who has a healthy 15 month old, works two days a week and has a partner who contributes financially and practically to child care and the running of the house is, in my view, not self evidently reasonable.

But you are right that there other issues as well here. And it is what it is and if our lives are now incompatible so be it.

OP posts:

sweetgingercat · 09/02/2022 23:02

I have a mum friend who I would like to see during the weekends. Our children are friends too so it would be very suitable. But we meet very rarely. She gave me the impression that her husband was very particular about what they did on weekends. Over time I've come to realise that he is demanding and difficult. She has recently confessed that she thinks he is on the spectrum. I've realised that things are difficult for her and have concentrated on becoming a friend of hers outside her home and marriage. We are close, it is rewarding and gives her some space... I sometimes think couples, married friends, mum friends, family friends, group relationships are compromise relationships, they work well enough for everybody so everybody keeps seeing each other, but they are nothing like the intensity or honesty of a direct one on one friendship.

Harmonypuss · 09/02/2022 23:03

Friendship is a two-way street, I'm sure there are times when it's not convenient for you to meet up with people and that's all this friend has said to you. She's told you when she's free and you have exactly that same opportunity to tell her when you're free, if at some point your availabilities match up, great, if they don't you'll either both have to find a compromise or just accept that you won't be meeting up together.
It's as simple as that!

lightisnotwhite · 09/02/2022 23:09

@Arabellla This is so patronising 🤮
Sorry to have made you feel ill. I’m amazed this has got to 19 pages though. It’s hardly some unfathomable social convention.

Based on lived experience of being a single parent of one and nanny to many others. NCT and coupled friends spent weekends together. I would to go out with my single childless mates.
Come the time the children went to school we were all back out any day of the week.
Love.

Kleptronic · 09/02/2022 23:11

Might be left field here but are you sure this is coming from her, as in are you sure her weekends are her own to control - she's said she misses your texts, just can't do weekends. I don't want to read anything into it but a controlling partner could be a factor.

Calliepita001 · 09/02/2022 23:27

Hi @Suprima
Having seen your comment I just wanted to reach out and ask if you are ok?
Do you have support and people to talk to ?
You sounded like you have your own stuff going on atm 💕

TinselTinsel · 10/02/2022 00:11

@Amibeinghighmaintenance

In a nutshell.

Have been good friends for about five years but not ever lived in the same town. I have just bought a property in the town and am up here for seven weeks getting some things sorted with it. Will move here in a while but am going to rent out in the short term while I get some other stuff sorted.

Friend has a 15 month baby, who has a history of not sleeping well. Works from home two days a week. Has a partner who works from home in a "normal office hours" job and does child care etc. My friend's mother visits every Saturday and helps with child care etc.

I was really looking forward to doing some fun things and catching up with my friend and her family. Her little girl is adorable and I get on fine with her partner.

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends. She wants to catch up either during office hours on the days that she is not working (for cold walks outside) or on a week night. She has come over to mine a couple of times but now will only catch up at her house.

Since I have been here she has had her cousin and their partner visit for a weekend and spent the weekend going out with them. Her and her partner caught up with couple friends one weekend. This weekend she sent me photos from Sunday of her out and about.

I am very happy to do child friendly activities, go places that would suit that etc. Not a problem. I have a high chair at my place. It's not that I want to go out clubbing. I have suggested a Sunday roast, brunch, a walk, a coffee...but nope. Her response is "I can't do weekends". I am literally two minutes away from her. While my job is flexible and I can pop out for a bit during the day I do have to make up that time.

I've just had a message from her saying that she is missing getting texts from me (I really could not be bothered to interact with her text messages this weekend) and do I want to have dinner one night this week. Which presumably will be at her house.

My AIBU is I really can't be bothered with her and the friendship? I get that she has a baby and is tired - but I'm pretty annoyed that she is out and about on weekends doing other stuff but I don't make the grade for weekends, yet she still wants to catch up when it suits her.

Am I overreacting??

YANBU OP. I've had a similar situation and I politely told my friend that our arrangements are not at HER convenience, they are at OUR convenience. Point made and understood! I think with situations like this, it depends how you deliver you point and how well you understand each other. I totally understood why my friend tried to control the timings as she likes a strict routine but she had to understand that my job also dictates my availability and she actually can't expect everyone (not just me btw, all her working friends) to work around her. Out of everyone she's the only none working one so cleaning her bathroom doesn;t have the same importance (to us) as our paid jobs that pay our bills.

TinselTinsel · 10/02/2022 00:12

I meant "OUR" convenience as hers and mine joint, not mine and everyone else over her!

MabelsApron · 10/02/2022 00:41

OP, YANBU in the least. Behaviour like this is partly why I have no friends with children anymore.

Augustmummy · 10/02/2022 07:20

Time to bin her off and to do some adventuring in your new town without her. You will meet new people soon enough - people on the same page as you. She can sod off lol - keep her at arms length and leave her to her all important weekends. Join some groups or sessions and meet new ‘single?!’ Friends xxx

TonkinLenkicks · 10/02/2022 07:28

Who actually says that? It's my boundary? I don't think I could be friends with someone who said that