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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend won't catch up on weekends...

577 replies

Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 10:27

In a nutshell.

Have been good friends for about five years but not ever lived in the same town. I have just bought a property in the town and am up here for seven weeks getting some things sorted with it. Will move here in a while but am going to rent out in the short term while I get some other stuff sorted.

Friend has a 15 month baby, who has a history of not sleeping well. Works from home two days a week. Has a partner who works from home in a "normal office hours" job and does child care etc. My friend's mother visits every Saturday and helps with child care etc.

I was really looking forward to doing some fun things and catching up with my friend and her family. Her little girl is adorable and I get on fine with her partner.

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends. She wants to catch up either during office hours on the days that she is not working (for cold walks outside) or on a week night. She has come over to mine a couple of times but now will only catch up at her house.

Since I have been here she has had her cousin and their partner visit for a weekend and spent the weekend going out with them. Her and her partner caught up with couple friends one weekend. This weekend she sent me photos from Sunday of her out and about.

I am very happy to do child friendly activities, go places that would suit that etc. Not a problem. I have a high chair at my place. It's not that I want to go out clubbing. I have suggested a Sunday roast, brunch, a walk, a coffee...but nope. Her response is "I can't do weekends". I am literally two minutes away from her. While my job is flexible and I can pop out for a bit during the day I do have to make up that time.

I've just had a message from her saying that she is missing getting texts from me (I really could not be bothered to interact with her text messages this weekend) and do I want to have dinner one night this week. Which presumably will be at her house.

My AIBU is I really can't be bothered with her and the friendship? I get that she has a baby and is tired - but I'm pretty annoyed that she is out and about on weekends doing other stuff but I don't make the grade for weekends, yet she still wants to catch up when it suits her.

Am I overreacting??

OP posts:

MabelsApron · 11/02/2022 01:44

@Womencanlift

If there was a Dadsnet I would bet that there would never be a thread like this. I’m sure most guys (evidenced by the numerous ‘special hobby’ threads on here) would never say to their friends I can never see you at the weekend because I must be with my family all weekend, every weekend

Agree. It’s mummy martyrdom and extremely tedious.

I also love the idea that having a baby is the only thing so uniquely stressful that it changes your personality. Only mothers can understand, apparently.

howtoleaveit · 11/02/2022 03:54

I had a friend like this. Would never catch up at weekends. Would do couple things with her and her husband. It came to a crashing realisation for me one Christmas. She was too busy to make any plans for the whole festive period. I popped round to her house on xmas eve to quickly drop off presents for her and her kids. She had a house full of friends. They were having a great time. She wouldn’t even let me past the doorstep. It was embarrassing and it was a big realisation that I was fine for offloading all her troubles and gripes and groans onto so she didn’t have to bother her real friends but she actually had this huge busy social life that I wasn’t included in. She controlled when we saw each other. I didn’t bother again after that day and she made no effort to reach out or even say thanks for the gifts. There’s just no point in pursuing friendships with people who don’t value you.

Wordlemakesmegrumpy · 11/02/2022 09:20

Update: Made a new friend on this morning's dog walk and going out with her (and her partner!) for a Sunday roast this weekend.

Crisis over

Original poster

Amibeinghighmaintenance · 11/02/2022 09:24

Update: Made a new friend on this morning's dog walk and going out with her (and her partner!) for a Sunday roast this weekend.

Crisis over [grin[

OP posts:

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/02/2022 09:32

@Amibeinghighmaintenance
Well done! Hope you have a fab time 😀

Coffeepot72 · 11/02/2022 09:44

Brilliant news! Now do tell me how you managed to go from not knowing this person to making Sunday lunch arrangements all in the space of one dog walk (only asking because I'm always looking for ways to expand my social circle)?

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 11/02/2022 10:06

@LimeSegment

Exactly, I cringe whenever women on here post about how they wish they could spend all day every day with their precious DH, because I know the DH would never say that or even think it.

Most recently on a thread about maternity leave, many women posted they wish their DH could take the whole year off as well as them, and spend it together at home with them. I was laughing imagining their DHs horrified reactions to this idea!

I have to admit, I'm struggling with any couple who works full-time with children having the time for a multitude of hobbies and a consistent stream of social events. Where's the relationship time, time for sex, chatting together, family time.

Are people days on Mumsnet 48 hrs long and sex once a yr?

Neither I nor my Baltic wife has time for hobbies or regular galavanting. We do most things together or with children or extended family. Meet-ups with friends are rare these days.
Must be a British thing, everything else first relationship distant last-then divorce.
Weird.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 11/02/2022 10:08

@Amibeinghighmaintenance

Update: Made a new friend on this morning's dog walk and going out with her (and her partner!) for a Sunday roast this weekend.

Crisis over [grin[

Whys is he going, fuck that I'd rather poke my eyes out than sit with my Mrs and a friend.

Original poster

Amibeinghighmaintenance · 11/02/2022 10:13

@Hrpuffnstuff1 I imagine because he is a well rounded and mature man who is able to interact with women? Because I’ve done lots of interesting things in my life and it sounds like he has too and that will be interesting to discuss? Because women talk about things that men also find interesting?

OP posts:

Womencanlift · 11/02/2022 10:14

@Hrpuffnstuff1 there are 52 weekends in a year. If you cannot spare 2 hours out of one of them to meet up with a friend for a meal then there is something wrong

Still plenty of time to have a relationship

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 11/02/2022 10:26

[quote Amibeinghighmaintenance]@Hrpuffnstuff1 I imagine because he is a well rounded and mature man who is able to interact with women? Because I’ve done lots of interesting things in my life and it sounds like he has too and that will be interesting to discuss? Because women talk about things that men also find interesting?[/quote]
Well, at least you managed to reconnect with your friend.
That's a nice result for you.

Having been the husband on the other side of this, it was interesting listening to the passionate views on friendships.
I don't think male friendships are quite as complex.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 11/02/2022 10:30

The fact that she has caught up with other people has really stung. I'm particularly annoyed about the couple friends but that is probably me being oversensitive - they also live down here, have bought properties etc. and I imagine I would have lots of things to chat about - I'm a very social person. But I'm single. I would bet good money that if I was in a couple I would have been worthy of a weekend invite

Why focus on ‘worthy’ when it may be nothing to do with it. Saying you’re excluded for being single is a wild guess and wallowing in self pity. Perhaps she thinks you’d feel the odd one out if you met up with a group of couples? Or it would make it awkward (eg if she has her cousin and cousin’s husband over and you tag along too).

You say you’re very social, so why not find your own social circle and let her have hers? There are multiple reasons she doesn’t want to meet at weekends and prefers to see you alone mid week, unless you ask her you could speculate forever!

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 11/02/2022 10:30

[quote Womencanlift]@Hrpuffnstuff1 there are 52 weekends in a year. If you cannot spare 2 hours out of one of them to meet up with a friend for a meal then there is something wrong

Still plenty of time to have a relationship[/quote]
I understand, however, meetups often take planning, I know Mrs hr's family and friends coming took months of prep. Another friend of hers has been planning to come up since August last yr. She's canceled twice.
Hopefully, she's stopping for a week at Easter but we'll see.

No need to sweat the small stuff.

Anecdotally most of the couples we know galavanting hobbies or socializing separately do not have a passionate close relationship.
Anyway that's there choice.

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/02/2022 10:32

@Hrpuffnstuff1 I find it so sad that you and your wife don’t have time for things outside of your relationship like friendships, hobbies, etc. What about things like exercise etc? I would feel completely suffocated in a relationship like that

Original poster

Amibeinghighmaintenance · 11/02/2022 10:50

@Hrpuffnstuff1 I suppose to me it sounds like your partner can primarily only be interesting to you in terms of connecting to you - indeed you refer to her as “the mrs”. So I suppose when I’m interact with couples I interact with them as two individuals and they do likewise.

But horses for courses. If it works for you the crack on!

OP posts:

gamerchick · 11/02/2022 11:02

Anecdotally most of the couples we know galavanting hobbies or socializing separately do not have a passionate close relationship.
Anyway that's there choice.

That's a really sad view of relationships. Spending all your time together would get boring with nothing new to talk about. Who wants to look at their elderly years when suddenly losing their only friend because they haven't nurtured outside interests? No thank you.

You can have a passionate close relationship and also a life as an individual. I find it quite sad that there are couples out there who are insular like what you describe.

Monopolyiscrap · 11/02/2022 11:05

My parents have always prioritised each other. In their elderly years they now have no friends. Not what I would choose.

UnUdderOne · 11/02/2022 11:11

Whys is he going, fuck that I'd rather poke my eyes out than sit with my Mrs and a friend. Yet you are choosing a predominantly female website!

JessieLongleg · 11/02/2022 11:12

A couple I know pre pregnancy used to spend one day weekend with each other and then the other doing general things or seeing other people. Now baby has come along she will not leave them with him and they don't have weekend days out together. I wonder how many other couples are not getting couple time but hiding inserct.

JessieLongleg · 11/02/2022 11:12

@jessielongleg
Hiding insercurites I meant

Palomo · 11/02/2022 11:41

The thing is l, if such was meeting a female friend for lunch on a weekend (or at any time) why would I take DH?

Firstly, it would t occur to me that she would want him tagging along.

Secondly, they’d a probably a hundred other things he’d rather do than tag along

Finally - there is no need.

Nine of my friends are socially incompetent and not is DH. Quite the opposite. But time is limited. Do you think I would want to sit there and listen to DH and his mates droning on in the way I find only men do about their latest business issues, cycling, cars, boxing ... oh, did I mention cycling? I literally turn catatonic. It’s fine if the wives are there because then it’s more generalised,l but otherwise, nooo! I give that a wide berth.

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/02/2022 12:26

@Palomo
Which is exactly why should couples have time separate to each other at the weekend to see their own friends etc

RandomCatGenerator · 11/02/2022 13:27

@Amibeinghighmaintenance

Update: Made a new friend on this morning's dog walk and going out with her (and her partner!) for a Sunday roast this weekend.

Crisis over [grin[

Hurrah! Well done you, @Amibeinghighmaintenance

AcrossthePond55 · 11/02/2022 15:32

Glad you made a couple of new friends. I don't get why 'some people' seem to think that a single person can't be friends with both members of a couple, especially the one of the opposite sex. Friends are people you enjoy being around, no other qualification applies.

As far as 'old friend', I don't think there needs to be some big 'denouement'. Just let things 'fade' to the level of contact you're comfortable with, even if that turns out to be none because of her 'boundary' and your work schedule. 'Free time' is a two way street, no?

If she asks why she 'never sees you' then you tell the truth, that both of your schedules just don't permit easy socializing. You're 'too busy' during the week, she's 'too busy' on weekends to permit easy socializing and that neither of should be expected to rearrange their lives to suit the other. But I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for her to ask.

Original poster

Amibeinghighmaintenance · 11/02/2022 19:31

@Coffeepot72 - you need to get yourself a doggy wingman! My dog went up and sniffed her dogs butt. It is a uniquely effective icebreaker.

Honestly I’ve made some brilliant friends via my dog. I’d chat to everyone I walk past if I could but people think you’re weird when you’re on you own. But when you’ve got a cute dog everyone wants to talk to you!

OP posts:

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