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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend won't catch up on weekends...

577 replies

Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 10:27

In a nutshell.

Have been good friends for about five years but not ever lived in the same town. I have just bought a property in the town and am up here for seven weeks getting some things sorted with it. Will move here in a while but am going to rent out in the short term while I get some other stuff sorted.

Friend has a 15 month baby, who has a history of not sleeping well. Works from home two days a week. Has a partner who works from home in a "normal office hours" job and does child care etc. My friend's mother visits every Saturday and helps with child care etc.

I was really looking forward to doing some fun things and catching up with my friend and her family. Her little girl is adorable and I get on fine with her partner.

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends. She wants to catch up either during office hours on the days that she is not working (for cold walks outside) or on a week night. She has come over to mine a couple of times but now will only catch up at her house.

Since I have been here she has had her cousin and their partner visit for a weekend and spent the weekend going out with them. Her and her partner caught up with couple friends one weekend. This weekend she sent me photos from Sunday of her out and about.

I am very happy to do child friendly activities, go places that would suit that etc. Not a problem. I have a high chair at my place. It's not that I want to go out clubbing. I have suggested a Sunday roast, brunch, a walk, a coffee...but nope. Her response is "I can't do weekends". I am literally two minutes away from her. While my job is flexible and I can pop out for a bit during the day I do have to make up that time.

I've just had a message from her saying that she is missing getting texts from me (I really could not be bothered to interact with her text messages this weekend) and do I want to have dinner one night this week. Which presumably will be at her house.

My AIBU is I really can't be bothered with her and the friendship? I get that she has a baby and is tired - but I'm pretty annoyed that she is out and about on weekends doing other stuff but I don't make the grade for weekends, yet she still wants to catch up when it suits her.

Am I overreacting??

OP posts:
Palomo · 10/02/2022 16:22

Wordlemakesmegrumpy - are you the OP?

Wordlemakesmegrumpy · 10/02/2022 16:24

Oh sorry yes - name change fail again!

Wordle is what’s kicked me off today 😁 but I don’t think I need a support thread for that.

Palomo · 10/02/2022 16:27

Basically, if your husband is working all week and you have five days to meet friends for coffee, walks, lunch or whatever, he may reasonably ask why you would need to see your girlfriend for coffee, walks, lunches at weekends as well? Sure he’s invited, but probably doesn’t want to come!

It’s different if you’re meeting a couple or family as that’s socialising for the both of you ‘equally’ if that makes sense. Rather than one being sidelined?

I’m probably not explaining this too well, but I know what I mean...

Monopolyiscrap · 10/02/2022 16:29

@Palomo you are going at the weekend because that is when your friend can see you. Friendships are a two-way thing.
And there are masses of women on here with DPs who go out cycling, to the gym, or running at the weekend. No one ever says they shouldn't because weekends are precious "family time".

Wordlemakesmegrumpy · 10/02/2022 16:30

@Palomo - sure but I don’t have five days during the week - I work full time and a second job on top. And she won’t meet up on her two work days…

Palomo · 10/02/2022 16:32

Well, I suppose if you had a girlfriend who could ONLY meet at the weekend, then that’s different. But personally, I would have felt guilty doing that regularly.

Wordlemakesmegrumpy · 10/02/2022 16:34

@Palomo do you have female friends who have full time jobs during the week?

sillysmiles · 10/02/2022 16:36

She just has a lot to juggle and her priorities have shifted. ‘Mum guilt’ is real and maybe she feels too guilty leaving her baby or husband to meet a friend at weekends?

But my understand of the OP's posts was that her friend is meeting friends at the weekend - just not the OP. OP is only allowed time midweek and in the friends house.
The OP works and is only in the area for a short time and it is her friend who was excited for her to be there - but then makes no effort to see her.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/02/2022 16:37

@Palomo

Well, I suppose if you had a girlfriend who could ONLY meet at the weekend, then that’s different. But personally, I would have felt guilty doing that regularly.
You would have felt ‘guilty’- why exactly? Surely taking a couple hours out of the weekend to go for a coffee on a Saturday afternoon or for a couple of drinks Saturday afternoon every so oft in order to maintain your friendships isn’t something anyone should feel guilty about. Does you partner not have friends, hobbies etc that would occupy some of this time at weekend as well?
sillysmiles · 10/02/2022 16:39

@Palomo

Well, I suppose if you had a girlfriend who could ONLY meet at the weekend, then that’s different. But personally, I would have felt guilty doing that regularly.
This article say the percentage of SAHM is 29% (2019, US data). Given not all women are mothers and ~70% of mother work outside the home, then most people are busy during the week.
Wordlemakesmegrumpy · 10/02/2022 16:40

@Palomo - I genuinely find it interesting that your default is that it is the total norm for a male to only be available on the weekend but it would be a turn up for the books that a female might be in a similar position. That is not my experience of the world at all!

Skeam · 10/02/2022 16:54

@Palomo

Basically, if your husband is working all week and you have five days to meet friends for coffee, walks, lunch or whatever, he may reasonably ask why you would need to see your girlfriend for coffee, walks, lunches at weekends as well? Sure he’s invited, but probably doesn’t want to come!

It’s different if you’re meeting a couple or family as that’s socialising for the both of you ‘equally’ if that makes sense. Rather than one being sidelined?

I’m probably not explaining this too well, but I know what I mean...

Why would you have 'five days' -- don't you work? Don't any of your friends work? Hmm
Wordlemakesmegrumpy · 10/02/2022 16:57

@Palomo - at the risk of sounding massively patronising (sorry) you might want to pop yourself over to the Feminism and Womens Rights Board and risk a bit of radicalization.

Palomo · 10/02/2022 17:01

To be honest, when my kids were little all my friends were mainly SAHMs too difficult we socialised all week.

At the weekends, I might have seen friends who were still working, but we usually met as couples and DH knew the husbands anyway (or so knew the wives of his friends).

sillysmiles · 10/02/2022 17:04

@Palomo

To be honest, when my kids were little all my friends were mainly SAHMs too difficult we socialised all week.

At the weekends, I might have seen friends who were still working, but we usually met as couples and DH knew the husbands anyway (or so knew the wives of his friends).

My DH refuses to socialise as a couple and hates when (years) ago I tried to get him to go to things as a couple. Insists it is like a husband playdate Grin
Wordlemakesmegrumpy · 10/02/2022 17:08

@sillysmiles 😁

Mollymoostoo · 10/02/2022 17:47

@Amibeinghighmaintenance

Yes I totally get not wanting to make plans and if it was a case of she was feeling overwhelmed and didn't want to catch up fine. In fact our history has been one of bonding over having had similar past traumatic experiences (looking back pretty dysfunctional). But I feel that she is taking the piss now and taking advantage of me being understanding and if she can do other things and catch up with other people then why not me?

The fact that she has caught up with other people has really stung. I'm particularly annoyed about the couple friends but that is probably me being oversensitive - they also live down here, have bought properties etc. and I imagine I would have lots of things to chat about - I'm a very social person. But I'm single. I would bet good money that if I was in a couple I would have been worthy of a weekend invite....

Perhaps she does not want people to see you together and ask how you met....
Palomo · 10/02/2022 17:49

Sorry, not sure why the words ‘too difficult’ appeared in my last post.

Anyway, I was just suggesting to the OP to not take this personally. Im sure the friend does not mean to be rude, but she probably feels as if she needs to focus on her husband at weekends and she might feel rude just going off and leaving him with the baby to go for lunch and a walk with OP.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/02/2022 18:02

@Palomo

Sorry, not sure why the words ‘too difficult’ appeared in my last post.

Anyway, I was just suggesting to the OP to not take this personally. Im sure the friend does not mean to be rude, but she probably feels as if she needs to focus on her husband at weekends and she might feel rude just going off and leaving him with the baby to go for lunch and a walk with OP.

But why would she need to ‘focus’ on her husband 24/7 all weekend? And surely he must have his own hobbies, friend, activities to catch up with at some point over the weekend too?
Palomo · 10/02/2022 18:17

I’m not saying this friend can never meet on a weekend. I’m just saying it can be difficult to do it regularly - or for it to be an expectation.

Mary46 · 10/02/2022 20:06

Most friends would be flexible. I met my friend mid week last summer. Early walk home by 9. She has 3 kids. Its give and take with friendships.

Womencanlift · 10/02/2022 20:53

If there was a Dadsnet I would bet that there would never be a thread like this. I’m sure most guys (evidenced by the numerous ‘special hobby’ threads on here) would never say to their friends I can never see you at the weekend because I must be with my family all weekend, every weekend

Skeam · 10/02/2022 21:22

@Palomo

Sorry, not sure why the words ‘too difficult’ appeared in my last post.

Anyway, I was just suggesting to the OP to not take this personally. Im sure the friend does not mean to be rude, but she probably feels as if she needs to focus on her husband at weekends and she might feel rude just going off and leaving him with the baby to go for lunch and a walk with OP.

Yeah, imagine, the rudeness of making him look after his own baby!
LimeSegment · 10/02/2022 22:00

If there was a Dadsnet I would bet that there would never be a thread like this. I’m sure most guys (evidenced by the numerous ‘special hobby’ threads on here) would never say to their friends I can never see you at the weekend because I must be with my family all weekend, every weekend

Exactly, I cringe whenever women on here post about how they wish they could spend all day every day with their precious DH, because I know the DH would never say that or even think it.

Most recently on a thread about maternity leave, many women posted they wish their DH could take the whole year off as well as them, and spend it together at home with them. I was laughing imagining their DHs horrified reactions to this idea!

sillysmiles · 10/02/2022 22:02

@Palomo

Sorry, not sure why the words ‘too difficult’ appeared in my last post.

Anyway, I was just suggesting to the OP to not take this personally. Im sure the friend does not mean to be rude, but she probably feels as if she needs to focus on her husband at weekends and she might feel rude just going off and leaving him with the baby to go for lunch and a walk with OP.

But TBF I think the my weekend are sacred and only for my husband people need to realise is that it is rude. You are essentially saying your friends are not important and are only there to fill the gaps are your convenience and not when is mutually convenient.
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