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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend won't catch up on weekends...

577 replies

Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 10:27

In a nutshell.

Have been good friends for about five years but not ever lived in the same town. I have just bought a property in the town and am up here for seven weeks getting some things sorted with it. Will move here in a while but am going to rent out in the short term while I get some other stuff sorted.

Friend has a 15 month baby, who has a history of not sleeping well. Works from home two days a week. Has a partner who works from home in a "normal office hours" job and does child care etc. My friend's mother visits every Saturday and helps with child care etc.

I was really looking forward to doing some fun things and catching up with my friend and her family. Her little girl is adorable and I get on fine with her partner.

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends. She wants to catch up either during office hours on the days that she is not working (for cold walks outside) or on a week night. She has come over to mine a couple of times but now will only catch up at her house.

Since I have been here she has had her cousin and their partner visit for a weekend and spent the weekend going out with them. Her and her partner caught up with couple friends one weekend. This weekend she sent me photos from Sunday of her out and about.

I am very happy to do child friendly activities, go places that would suit that etc. Not a problem. I have a high chair at my place. It's not that I want to go out clubbing. I have suggested a Sunday roast, brunch, a walk, a coffee...but nope. Her response is "I can't do weekends". I am literally two minutes away from her. While my job is flexible and I can pop out for a bit during the day I do have to make up that time.

I've just had a message from her saying that she is missing getting texts from me (I really could not be bothered to interact with her text messages this weekend) and do I want to have dinner one night this week. Which presumably will be at her house.

My AIBU is I really can't be bothered with her and the friendship? I get that she has a baby and is tired - but I'm pretty annoyed that she is out and about on weekends doing other stuff but I don't make the grade for weekends, yet she still wants to catch up when it suits her.

Am I overreacting??

OP posts:
StargazerAli · 10/02/2022 09:12

Perhaps she feels threatened that you've moved closer for some reason. Is she not very good at commitment and was happier when you lived further away? Some people just hate being pinned down - it doesn't have to be personal to you.

LorelaiDeservedBetter · 10/02/2022 10:00

@TonkinLenkicks

Who actually says that? It's my boundary? I don't think I could be friends with someone who said that Grin
People who are people pleasers and have spent any time in counselling to try to stop others walking all over them.
Gwenhwyfar · 10/02/2022 10:15

@Augustmummy

Time to bin her off and to do some adventuring in your new town without her. You will meet new people soon enough - people on the same page as you. She can sod off lol - keep her at arms length and leave her to her all important weekends. Join some groups or sessions and meet new ‘single?!’ Friends xxx
Soon enough? It can take years to get a good group of friends in a new place. Quicker for young people, but still not instant. Keep the difficult friend as a reserve for now like she does to you.
Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 10/02/2022 11:04

@LorelaiDeservedBetter yeah that’s where it’s coming from. There’s a whole background issue going on with her family. But basically as far
as I can work out is what she’s doing is applying the family member boundary to me and not them…

OP posts:
StargazerAli · 10/02/2022 11:05

Gwenhwyfar - great answer. No need to ditch her completely, just keep your distance and call the shots once in a while like she does. Take back some control and you won't care as much.

threatmatrix · 10/02/2022 12:27

I’m really sorry but I do not socialise during the week so I’m afraid we will not be able to meet up ever again.

destinations22 · 10/02/2022 12:34

@threatmatrix

I’m really sorry but I do not socialise during the week so I’m afraid we will not be able to meet up ever again.
ha!
strawberriesarenot · 10/02/2022 12:48

Maybe she wants a fresh start and you bring too much of the past with you. Maybe she didn't realise this until the prospect of you landing on the doorstep turned into real life.

Maybe she's used to placating people, and she's been doing that to you and she's suddenly scared of where it might lead.

I can only guess from what you've written here, but from the references to your willingness to be almost part of the family, and your continual questioning of why, why, why, it would be too much for many people. Heavy.

We have a children, and 2 single friends in particular that are as welcome as any aunts or uncles. Individually they've been on holiday with us, spent Christmases with us, had the children to stay, been to seaside, theatres, dinners out, funerals. They are part of our lives and we love them. I wish they would move next door. One each side.
But they grew organically into part of our family. We knew them before we had children.

Wordlemakesmegrumpy · 10/02/2022 12:55

@strawberriesarenot literally suggested brunch or a roast on the weekend and haven’t asked since. My question was am I being unreasonable to take
step back from the friendship because it’s actually quite hard for me to catch up during office hours on the week and she’s getting shirty that I can’t and I’ll not messaging her on weekends….

I think the threads too long now tbh for the nuances to be picked up!

Mary46 · 10/02/2022 13:28

Hard when no compromise. Im not mad on mid week meetups. But its 2 ways friendship.

Monopolyiscrap · 10/02/2022 13:39

@strawberriesarenot

Maybe she wants a fresh start and you bring too much of the past with you. Maybe she didn't realise this until the prospect of you landing on the doorstep turned into real life.

Maybe she's used to placating people, and she's been doing that to you and she's suddenly scared of where it might lead.

I can only guess from what you've written here, but from the references to your willingness to be almost part of the family, and your continual questioning of why, why, why, it would be too much for many people. Heavy.

We have a children, and 2 single friends in particular that are as welcome as any aunts or uncles. Individually they've been on holiday with us, spent Christmases with us, had the children to stay, been to seaside, theatres, dinners out, funerals. They are part of our lives and we love them. I wish they would move next door. One each side.
But they grew organically into part of our family. We knew them before we had children.

Spending time with a friends DP and baby is not being almost part of the family. I mean I have some superficial friendships too, but I like real friends.
ODFOx · 10/02/2022 13:48

[quote Amibeinghighmaintenance]@ChickenStripper - I'm intrigued - you consider having a coffee with someone on the weekend something that was a major change that required more than seven weeks notice?[/quote]
I don't have time for a coffee at the weekend for the next 11 weeks.
If you were my friend I'd apologise and offer a weekday evening but we really do get booked up, to the extent that I have to schedule 1 weekend in 6 with no social activity just to catch up on housework and laundry (and each other).

I guess I'm just saying that this may be a genuine misunderstanding: she hasn't downgraded you and her messages at the weekend were to check that you were still friends rather than being passive aggressive. It would be a shame to lose an old friend because she is more busy than usual at a time when you are more available than usual, surely?

Petlover9 · 10/02/2022 15:13

@GiantHaystacks2021

YANBU. I would dump her as a friend and tell her that your "boundary" is not to bother with her anymore.

She can fuck off for herself.

Tend to agree with this^. It is too one sided - I have had friends who think that they can dictate terms, it will make you feel second class if you continue, let it fade and try and meet new people.
mathanxiety · 10/02/2022 15:26

I don't think you really get what it means to have a baby/ toddler who doesn't sleep predictably or well.

It can change your personality.

Aderyn21 · 10/02/2022 15:28

I don't believe that people can go through life being completely inflexible - yes weekends may be difficult for her but she could do it occasionally, be a it's easier for you, just as you see her on the week for her convenience. If there's no give and take then there's no relationship.

Going forward though, I wouldn't let her bump pre existing plans because she's had a better offer. As she did with the takeaway thing - that's just rude. Your life is as important as hers.
Some parents really don't help themselves - she has one baby and a very part time job (and a nanny). Having a baby isn't a get out of jail free card to treat long standing friends rudely!

Wordlemakesmegrumpy · 10/02/2022 15:36

@mathanxiety - a personality change that means you lose the ability to interact with people according to their marital status on two of the seven days of the week?

And again. There are many many things that people can experience that can have a similar or indeed worse impact on a person.

I have another friend who is going through an absolute shit show of a time with parents with dementia, really significant caring responsibilities (including overnight), full time work. Honestly she’s on her knees. Her personality has not changed.

I do wonder when people say things like that that
it must be the first time they’ve had to really deal with a major challenge and they really don’t get
that there are lots of ways life can throw the same
sort of stuff at you.

I do get that sleep deprivation is a big deal. But if the worst thing that has happened to you is his g a healthy baby who doesn’t sleep well
then honestly I think you’re doing well.

Palomo · 10/02/2022 15:49

Hi OP. I’ve not RTFT, just your posts. What I suspect is happening here, is that it’s just easier for your friend to socialise with other couples or her family / her DH family at the weekends. I know you say you’re fine with hanging out with the DH as well, but personally (can I be honest), I tend to see girlfriends separately when DH is not around. It does change the dynamic / conversation flow when he’s there. I worry he is bored and I feel that you have to stay on very ‘generalised’ conversation topics if it’s me, a girlfriend and DH. It’s hard to explain, but it’s easier when it’s couples because at some point, the men will start talking about work, cycling, boxing or whatever the case may be, and then the wife / female partner and me can go off on another track. I think this is why your friend prefers to see you in the week when the DH is elsewhere. Also, families can become demanding when a baby arrives so she will be factoring that in as well. Maybe her DH has told her he wants ‘family time’ at the weekends? Maybe he has organised the other people they see, but she die not feel able to organise anything?

Wordlemakesmegrumpy · 10/02/2022 15:54

@mathanxiety - that first sentence didn’t make sense - maybe because I didn’t sleep well last night 😁

But I supppse my point is can you understand how patronizing/naive it is to think that I can’t possibly understand what it’s like to go through an enormous period of pressure and responsibility which includes a significant period of sleep deprivation? I’m really not being sarcastic when I say that from my perspective that you are really fortunate to think that there is no other situation that can have that kind of impact. And hopefully you’ll be fortunate and nothing ever will again. But life is long and unpredictable.

Obviously though is she turns down my invite for clubbing with tequila shots starting at 11pm this Friday then she’s dead to me forever 😁

mathanxiety · 10/02/2022 15:54

@Wordlemakesmegrumpy - no, it can make you anxious about stuff like nap time for the toddler, and less patient with friends who have lots of energy and perhaps little insight into why you are desperate for some alone time. Catering to someone else's needs 24/7 for 15 months can make you do things like locking yourself into the bathroom just for ten minutes of peace and access to the inside of your own head.

mathanxiety · 10/02/2022 15:55

I agree with Kleptronic though.

This could be a partner problem.

Wordlemakesmegrumpy · 10/02/2022 15:57

@Palomo - yeah I do get that I may overestimate my all gender conversational appeal 😁

Wordlemakesmegrumpy · 10/02/2022 16:00

@mathanxiety I don’t think you’re getting my point that I totally get that and I don’t underestimate that - but having a baby is very far from being the only thing that can have that kind of impact on your life. I’m really not minimizing the huge impact of it whatsoever. I’m just saying it’s naive to think that it’s somehow the only thing that can have this impact so its not possible to understand it…

Palomo · 10/02/2022 16:10

If I have a female friend over on a weekend, my DH tends to say hello, how are you etc etc and then make himself scarce!

If the DH is working all week, he probably wants ‘family time’ at the weekend and maybe she feels guilty leaving him with the baby to go and see someone she could have met up with in the week? It’s understandable.

You don’t know what goes in terms of her relationship dynamics. But, one thing is for sure, she won’t be doing any of this to hurt you OP. It’s not intentional. She just has a lot to juggle and her priorities have shifted. ‘Mum guilt’ is real and maybe she feels too guilty leaving her baby or husband to meet a friend at weekends? This probably feels very self-indulgent to her. Maybe he would be pissed off with her is she did that and that’s what she means by ‘the boundary?’

Wordlemakesmegrumpy · 10/02/2022 16:13

@Palomo yes I do understand and that is a helpful reminder. To be honest I’m feeling much more chilled about it today.

But I think I’m now over invested in my own thread!

JuergenSchwarzwald · 10/02/2022 16:18

What do people actually doing during 'sacred family time' that makes it so sacred? It is not something that has come up with my friends who have kids. They don't seem to be doing sacred stuff at weekends which means they can't see anyone else. They seem relieved when we arrive

I can understand it with people who have big families where there's always some sort of birthday, anniversary etc and they are always out and about.

But I do think most of us can manage an hour to see a friend for a coffee who is only in the area for a short time!

But clearly not, according to so many posters on this thread.