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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP has taken 9 month old DD outside without a coat on

250 replies

astroboy45 · 08/02/2022 10:21

Posting on MN because I'd just like to hear the opinions of others.

DP always gets DD in the morning so I'm able to sleep in until 8:30/9ish. I wasn't really feeling that tired so I came out of the bedroom to see no one was in the living room and had assumed they went for a walk or went to the shops or something. When DP gets back and pushes the pushchair in the living room, I see both of DDs coats on the table. I said 'what coat did you put on her' and he just looked at me like he'd been caught out and didn't say anything. As he's taking DD out of the buggy, I can see she's just in her sleepsuit. I said, 'you took the baby outside without a coat on??' Bearing in mind he has a nice warm coat on himself AND a hat. Yet DD has been taken outside with just a vest and a sleepsuit? He also picked one of the lighter covers to put on her which was barely on her. When he gave her to me, her hands, face and neck were freezing. I'm not exaggerating, she was honestly so cold.

My issue is, things like this isn't a one off. Last month I went to my mum's house and stayed over for one night just to have a break as I was exhausted. When I came back something told me to ask DP if he'd left DD alone at any point. One time I was at an appointment and called to check they were okay, DP said 'yeah she's fine she's sleeping, I'm just going downstairs to take the bin out.' I obviously told him he shouldn't leave her but that's just always stuck in my mind. Anyways! I asked him if he'd left her alone and he said he went across the road to Sainsbury's when she was asleep in the night. I said 'why the hell did you leave her? We didn't need formula, nappy or wipes so what was so important that you needed to get??' He told me he went to get Ben & Jerry's ice cream😕

I just don't understand. You always see people being told they're being precious and whatnot but this guy is so lax when it comes to DD that it's honestly a joke. It's like he's not a real person and doesn't consider ANY dangerous when it comes to DD. Taking her outside without a coat on in the middle of Winter, leaving her by herself to go and get ice cream. It just sounds like some sort of prank. I also had a post not long ago about him and his mum turning DDs rear facing car seat to front face when that's not even something that can be done???

I seriously need help. We're expecting again and I just don't know how to get him to understand that careless behaviour doesn't work when you have kids. He always used to be extra careful with DD and now it's as if he thinks she's 15 years old and doesn't need to be properly cared for or something. Am I the one being precious/hormonal or what?? Arghhh help me MN lol

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/02/2022 15:20

After swimming on a cold day DH will wash and dry every inch of himself before it occurs to him to perhaps help his naked shivering child.

This isn't because he's a man, its because he's a selfish and beyond thoughtless.

takealettermsjones · 08/02/2022 15:24

Oh god this thread gets worse. This is not just a man thing, most men are not incompetent, uncaring twats.

slaybell · 08/02/2022 15:25

The coat thing would annoy me

Taking the bin out wouldn't bother me

Going to the shops and leaving a baby alone in the house is a big NO!

I had to leave DD alone in the house for 15 minutes last week to collect other DD from school as she is covid+, DH stuck at work and nobody else to get her (DM also has covid). I was freaking out enough just doing that, locking the doors and closing the curtains and having her on FaceTime to me the whole time, and she is 8! Leaving a baby is just.... no.

ScrollingLeaves · 08/02/2022 15:38

“ChrissyPlummer

The coat thing, I couldn’t get worked up about as a one-off. It’s not that cold today“

That depends where you live though. I had something warm on when I went out this morning.

OP told us her DH had a coat and hat on. She also told us the baby was very cold.

ScrollingLeaves · 08/02/2022 15:47

@SleepyRich
“ the outcome would be the same in all the instances unless you are sat watching them”

There are good baby monitors you can keep next to you even when watching TV etc.

Of course you can’t see that when you’re asleep.

So not every second can be watched, it’s true, but if you go out and can’t get back very quickly for any reason, it would be awful to think of the baby alone.

You can’t be that quick going to Sainsbury’s. anyway. Better to put the sleeping baby in the pram to come too if you really want ice cream.

Or get Deliveroo.

Staryflight445 · 08/02/2022 16:04

The coat thing wouldn’t have bothered me unless they were crying as then you’d know they were really cold.
I see more instances of danger in parents overdressing their children than I do parents making their child cold.

He should have taken a warmer blanket though. The rest is just ridiculous, leaving a child alone to go get ice cream, is he for real?

BellatricksStrange · 08/02/2022 16:10

These are just two different viewpoints. You aren't any more in the right than your husband.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 08/02/2022 16:15

@BellatricksStrange

These are just two different viewpoints. You aren't any more in the right than your husband.
Oh give over
knittingaddict · 08/02/2022 16:30

The bin thing is fine. How do you think single parents manage?

The coat and the trip to Sainsburys are not ok and I would be very unhappy with that. If an adult who is walking needs a coat then a small child just sitting in a pushchair definitely needs one. To all those saying its mild. You try sitting still outside with two thin layers of cotton and see how you feel.

RachelGreeneGreep · 08/02/2022 16:31

@Thewindwhispers

Yes. Men do this often. They are shit at this stuff.

BIL will put a nice cosy hat and coat on himself and pop his toddler to play in a puddle of water wearing just a tshirt and nappy and not see anything wrong with this picture.

After swimming on a cold day DH will wash and dry every inch of himself before it occurs to him to perhaps help his naked shivering child.

But the one that really got me was watching a dad with a baby in a heat wave arrive at the park, and the Dad carefully put on his sunblock, sunhat, and sunglasses, and then took the (bald) baby off for what was clearly to be a long walk (in back carry thing) and within minutes the baby was crying, presumably from the headache I’m sure was forming.

It’s very upsetting.

I don't agree that 'men do this often.'

I am glad that I know many men, brothers, brothers in law and friends who are perfectly capable of realising that a baby or small child needs to be wrapped up warmly in cold weather, have sun cream on, in hot weather and need help with drying off and getting dressed after swimming,

ChickenStripper · 08/02/2022 16:34

[quote TabithaTittlemouse]@ChickenStripper she’s pregnant![/quote]
and? Do we all have lie ins because we are pregnant? Many of us work during our pregnancies.

ChickenStripper · 08/02/2022 16:35

[quote astroboy45]@ChickenStripper why am I lucky to have a DP who gets DD in the morning, is that not his child also? Who's meant to help out in the mornings, the neighbours? Or is because I'm a woman I'm expected to wake up every morning and just get on with it....

but OP seems to get tired a lot - hence asking why she is having another baby so soon when she can't get up in the morning.

I'm not sure if you're purposely being thick or you just are but I'm pregnant. I care for DD throughout the day and will be up with her if she wakes up in the night. DD wakes up at 7/7:30 everyday. I have a lie in until 8:30/9. I'm not sleeping until 2pm everyday. I'm quite capable of getting up in the mornings but why not take advantage of having a lie in when DP's there? [/quote]
Does he work shifts or nights?

TabithaTittlemouse · 08/02/2022 16:56

and? Do we all have lie ins because we are pregnant? Many of us work during our pregnancies

She’s sleeping until 8:30! Many of us do work throughout pregnancy but many of us don’t do 9-5 jobs! I was absolutely shattered through my pregnancies and would have loved to have slept for an extra 30 minutes.

Stop making excuses for this stupid excuse of a ‘father’ and trying to shame the op. Out of everything she has posted about his awful parenting you have decided that her not getting up with their child each morning means that she is lucky to have him. Hmm

TabithaTittlemouse · 08/02/2022 16:56

That was to @ChickenStripper btw

FinallySomeNormality · 08/02/2022 17:00

Hmm DH also regularly forgets DC's coats... really annoys me and despite me constant nagging and reminding its a regular thing here! DH himself runs really hot and seems to forget that others might need a coat because he only needs a light t-shirt!

I wouldn't care about taking bins out - think most of us have done this.

Leaving baby in bed whilst he pops to the shop has shocked me. I honestly didn't realise people did this or it would even occur to them that this is an okay thing. Even for a necessity it would be terrible... but for bloody ice cream? He sounds massively unfit as a father OP.

Ragruggers · 08/02/2022 17:12

Is he intelligent or a bit thick.?Does he have a responsible job and make decisions at work.Maybe he doesn’t get it but surely you would have noticed before the baby was born how stupid he is because there is no excuse for this behaviour and putting your baby at risk.Only you can decide if it is safe to leave the baby with him.I would be very worried that he is so incapable .Good luck with your pregnancy thank God you have a good family.

astroboy45 · 08/02/2022 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 08/02/2022 17:20

So whats been going on these past two months, OP, in parallel with his recent decent into crap parenting?

Is it that you're pregnant again or something else, because it does seem very odd.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/02/2022 17:23

@BellatricksStrange

These are just two different viewpoints. You aren't any more in the right than your husband.
Don't be ridiculous.

It's objectively wrong to wrap yourself up for a walk with a coat and not do the same for your baby.

It's objectively wrong to leave a baby less than a year old alone in the house while you go to buy ice cream from the shop.

It's objectively wrong to ignore safety advice re car seats.

Somethingsnappy · 08/02/2022 17:23

@BellatricksStrange

These are just two different viewpoints. You aren't any more in the right than your husband.
Ah yes, of course. The idea that it's wrong to leave a child alone in a flat in the night, while the parent goes out for ice-cream is purely subjective ...Hmm
Somethingsnappy · 08/02/2022 17:27

@ChickenStripper, she isn't having a lie-in. She is catching up on missed sleep as a result of being the one to attend to the baby in the night. Her husband then attends to the baby first thing in the morning. This isn't 'lucky'. This is the necessary minimum. Her husband is not 'helping' her, but also parenting, in this respect.

Go back to stripping chickens...

angieloumc · 08/02/2022 17:33

@BellatricksStrange

These are just two different viewpoints. You aren't any more in the right than your husband.
Have a word with yourself; it's wrong to not put a coat on a baby when you have a coat and hat on. And it's wrong to leave a baby alone in the house to go get bloody ice cream, or indeed anything else. As for the poster who said OP is lucky to lie in; why is she lucky? He's a parent too (though an absolutely feckless one who obviously has learnt from his equally stupid mother).
floofycroissant · 08/02/2022 17:34

You say this started in the last 2 months, how far along are you in your pregnancy? Are the two connected, he could be subconsciously freaking out.

It may be something to talk through with him. Is he worried about 2 under two etc? I realise it won't help immediately with the dangers, but at least you can start to understand his headspace and hopefully he'll become more aware of his failures.

Topseyt · 08/02/2022 17:41

@BellatricksStrange

These are just two different viewpoints. You aren't any more in the right than your husband.
Oh, so it is OK for him to leave a nine month old baby alone in a flat while he goes to Sainsbury's for icecream is it?

It is OK for him to put the car seat into his mother's car totally the wrong way round with the car seat belt right across said baby's middle and not rearward facing is it?

It is OK for him to take his baby out in cold weather totally inadequately clothed with no coat or hat having wrapped himself up properly is it?

These three examples of twattery are only the ones the OP knows about. I'd almost be willing to bet that there will be more that he hasn't told her.

None of this behaviour is OK, don't be so utterly ridiculous. All are at best neglectful and stupid, and at worst extremely dangerous. Hardly just "two different viewpoints."

HowlingKale · 08/02/2022 17:47

The thinking about an RTA as a valid excuse to leave your baby home while nipping out (to buy a treat or a fetching a prescription) is a red herring.
It's simply not on in my book to leave a sleeping baby alone beyond a couple of minutes. Very likely scenario being they could wake up and scream...until you get home. No it's not life and death but it's not the way I was raised nor would I be comfortable with a partner who thought it ok. The nspca do not think it acceptable either.
My guess is in Sweden etc they do as my grandmother did, that is leave the babe asleep outside cosied up to get that magical fresh air Smile while being IN EARSHOT in case they wake up.