DP has taken 9 month old DD outside without a coat on

[astroboy45]

Posting on MN because I'd just like to hear the opinions of others.

DP always gets DD in the morning so I'm able to sleep in until 8:30/9ish. I wasn't really feeling that tired so I came out of the bedroom to see no one was in the living room and had assumed they went for a walk or went to the shops or something. When DP gets back and pushes the pushchair in the living room, I see both of DDs coats on the table. I said 'what coat did you put on her' and he just looked at me like he'd been caught out and didn't say anything. As he's taking DD out of the buggy, I can see she's just in her sleepsuit. I said, 'you took the baby outside without a coat on??' Bearing in mind he has a nice warm coat on himself AND a hat. Yet DD has been taken outside with just a vest and a sleepsuit? He also picked one of the lighter covers to put on her which was barely on her. When he gave her to me, her hands, face and neck were freezing. I'm not exaggerating, she was honestly so cold.

My issue is, things like this isn't a one off. Last month I went to my mum's house and stayed over for one night just to have a break as I was exhausted. When I came back something told me to ask DP if he'd left DD alone at any point. One time I was at an appointment and called to check they were okay, DP said 'yeah she's fine she's sleeping, I'm just going downstairs to take the bin out.' I obviously told him he shouldn't leave her but that's just always stuck in my mind. Anyways! I asked him if he'd left her alone and he said he went across the road to Sainsbury's when she was asleep in the night. I said 'why the hell did you leave her? We didn't need formula, nappy or wipes so what was so important that you needed to get??' He told me he went to get Ben & Jerry's ice cream😕

I just don't understand. You always see people being told they're being precious and whatnot but this guy is so lax when it comes to DD that it's honestly a joke. It's like he's not a real person and doesn't consider ANY dangerous when it comes to DD. Taking her outside without a coat on in the middle of Winter, leaving her by herself to go and get ice cream. It just sounds like some sort of prank. I also had a post not long ago about him and his mum turning DDs rear facing car seat to front face when that's not even something that can be done???

I seriously need help. We're expecting again and I just don't know how to get him to understand that careless behaviour doesn't work when you have kids. He always used to be extra careful with DD and now it's as if he thinks she's 15 years old and doesn't need to be properly cared for or something. Am I the one being precious/hormonal or what?? Arghhh help me MN lol

The leaving her alone in the house is perhaps worth being upset about

But the coat? No you're blowing that out of proportion

OP here's another link for you. This one has an 'ages and stages' guide to safety
www.capt.org.uk/Pages/Category/safety-advice-injury-types

@SleepyRich
I do think the onus on you as a parent is to find out about risks though. i disagree with you about leaving a 9 month old in the house on their own though.

SleepyRich is the risk of a traffic accident not uppermost in your mind because of your job attending catastrophic incidents?
To me the risk of a baby choking or even just crying out and feeling alone for too long outweighs the very small albeit potentially deadly risk that I'll be in a traffic accident with them in the pram.

Otherwise I'd never take them out.

The bins I couldn't get worked up about. I used to have my leave my twins alone as babies while I took the bins out. I lived in a flat and had to leave the building and go to the car park. I couldn't carry the pair of them and the bins, so slipping out while they were asleep was the sensible, safer option.
Taking her out without a coat on - not great. Hopefully she had a blanket or two and was layered up. A bit stupid but forgivable.
Leaving to go get ice cream - absolutely fucking not. This is beyond irresponsible and I'd worry about leaving her alone with him again.

Just had a thought OP- maybe get a Nannycam for a while so you can check what’s going on when you’re not there

@TheVanguardSix

I might get jumped on here but... does he love her, OP? In all honesty. I won't go into my story here but my marriage ended tramatically a few months ago after the reality of my former husband's parenting and cruelty unfolded. He wasn't outwardly cruel at all. He was a lazy parent... didn't see risk... did everything sort of half-assed but didn't seem ill-intended. He was what people would call a normal bloke... a bit of a 'blokey' parent'. That's how people described him to my utter annoyance. Permission to be a shit parent because you're just some poor sod stuck with a 'hormonal' wife.

What I've had to come to terms with is that he didn't love our children. Nevermind me. I can cope with the latter. But the carelessness with them when they were babies was indicative of a man who really was never cut out to be a parent.
Keep an open mind. Baby number two might be the making of your partner. He may absolutely evolve into the parent you need him to be. And yes, we all make mistakes and there is room for growth when it comes to those small niggles. And I sincerely hope that this is what will become of your partner... he will grow into a loving, caring dad who will have the foresight and the ability to protect his children from harm. Harm comes too easily to little ones. Sorry to scaremonger, but I just want you to know, you're not hormonal. You are rightly concerned.

@TheVanguardSix I truly do believe he loves her with every bone in his body. Really sorry to hear about your experience as I couldn't imagine realising their dad doesn't actually love them. I hope he gets his act together before the second baby otherwise I don't think there's much future with someone you can't trust to take care of their own kids

Has the carelessness started since you found out you were pregnant again?

@MadeForThis

I'm guessing he's getting his parenting from his mother. I remember your last thread. She wanted your dc in the front seat so your DH put her in. He forwarded faces a maxi cosi infant carrier with the seatbelt across your dc's middle. They could have killed her. All to keep his mother happy. She's probably reassuring him that pooping to the shops is normal and you are a panicking first time mum.

Does he have any dad friends? Can he speak to anyone he trusts who will tell him how dangerous he is. He sounds incredibly selfish.

But on the good side - he's trying. Badly. He's letting you rest and get a day off. He's happy to take the baby for a walk. It's small but it suggests he's not a total waste of space.

He could probably benefit from a parenting course.

Or using a forum like this.

@MadeForThis thank you for this comment as I really think you've hit the nail on the head. Especially with this line, She's probably reassuring him that pooping to the shops is normal and you are a panicking first time mum.

Whether it's coming from his mum or not, I think he believes that as we're both first time parents. Neither of us have experience in this. That being said, I genuinely do think he believes I'm over exaggerating with things or just being dramatic. Even when it came to the car seat situation, when I pointed out how dangerous it was and how DD actually could have been killed. He said his sister was sitting in the back with her so she would have been fine..? It's just so infuriating to constantly be dismissed when it comes to something as important as our child!

I've asked him to do antenatal class with me or parenting classes and he says he doesn't need them. I'm actually starting a 6 week antenatal class again tomorrow and will be speaking to him saying that he needs to join me. I honestly believe he will wait until something happens to DD due to his lack of care to start buckling up his ideas.

Unfortunately he has no dad friends that play an active role in their kids life so no one else to actually speak too other than my mum friends and I who he obviously believes are biased. He's just living in a different world

The bin thing would be fine if it's just a quick job but it sounds like it isn't, particularly if it could have waited til you got home. Not putting a coat on a baby in winter isn't acceptable either. However, I could potentially look past these things if they were one off mistakes and not symptomatic of a wider issue, like it clearly is here.

Leaving a baby to go to a shop to get ice cream is child neglect and is inexcusable. I wouldn't leave my 7 year old alone in the house to go to a shop across the road let alone a baby. If he had realised his mistake, felt awful etc etc and vowed not to do it again then I would probably be able to forgive but it's him not understanding what he did wrong that is the main issue!

We all make mistakes as parents and I often look back and think oh I shouldn't have done X or I could have handled Y better or I won't be doing Z again but his attitude is disgusting.

As others have said, having 2 under 2 is intense. I would advise getting your ducks in a row and preparing yourself to be a single parent.

What actually is the point of him OP?

I'm seriously starting to ask myself the same thing😒

I think my reaction would be no different to OPs on all of the above. DH has a much higher cold tolerance than myself and initially didn't get the point of layering babies up but we both quickly adapted by regularly checking on LO and having spare layers. I think what's done is done and would totally ignore MN advice that requires time travel to find a different father for your kids or a messy separation as a first resort.
You know your partner best but some people really don't take well to being told they're doing something wrong constantly and react by being even more disinclined to take ownership of the situation to improve. Adding extra negative opinions from other members of the family might not help. Almost a case of "well she'll always think I'm a terrible dad so why bother trying?". He actually sounds quite involved with his kid day to day so I'd open the conversation with a positive to set a non-adversarial tone e.g. how much it means when he is making an effort to allow you to have a lie-in, how nice it is to see baby growing an attachment to him etc because of the time he puts in. Accept at face value that he does love his baby and express concern because the behaviour you're seeing from him is suddenly completely disparate from how much you know he cares for her and did at the beginning. Give an opening for him to get his word in. Is there something else going on? Is he overwhelmed? Does he feel a huge stress and shock at the prospect of having 2 in quick succession? Does he feel he has missed out on things for having a kid at this time and is dealing with the guilt of have some regrets? It could be a whole host of things as nobody knows your precise relationship or situation. Ask if there's anything you can do to help things within your capacity and if not, what does he think will help. Do you need to spend time as a family, maybe a short break to emphasise all the lovely parts of having a young child? Do you need a babysitter and time alone as a couple on a proper date? Does he need time for a night out with friends?
I say all this assuming the best but with so little to go on with these threads, you have the better understanding of the situation and for all I know it may just be a LTB case after all that. Good luck!

Drug test him or check his phone for gambling sites he sounds preoccupied and if he’s changed that much is the last two months I’d be thinking what is his new priority above his own child and sounds like he’s going out for a reason I don’t believe the Ben and Jerry’s for a minute something isn’t right

Please don’t leave your baby with him anymore. Did he see those two sets of twins on the news that were left alone?

I feel awful for you I would be really upset/furious too.
I wouldn’t leave a baby that young to take the bin either (admittedly I’m not a single parent so I can wait for my partner to either have the baby or so the bin - might be different for a single parent - but he isn’t one either!)
The coat thing I would be very annoyed, have you explained to him how much they feel the cold? Maybe try not getting annoyed but explaining they need an extra layer plus a hat etc.
But the leaving her while he went to the shop is unforgivable in my opinion. What if something. Happened? What if there was a fire? Even if he needed nappies or formula he would need to get her up and wrapped up to leave. In no circumstances should that have happened.

I agree with you OP, he needs to be around other fathers with babies who can model for him what a competent male parent looks like. An antenatal group is good, but I'd be prodding him to take dd and join a baby yoga group or music group or something where he will be supervised and told by a group leader how to interact with her, and will be hopefully there with a couple of other fathers.

@SleepyRich

It is a bit odd to put a coat on yourself but not on the children you're taking out with you, i'd only not put a coat on if they were is a well fitted thick cosy toes.

Regards the shop visit, If it's literally just across the road then personally that's something I would do myself. Realistically what's going to happen? If they choke in their sleep that's silent and you wouldn't notice until you check on them visually, if you get run over going to the shop than I'd rather my child were at home alone through the night tbh.

Or alternatively don’t leave a baby to get ice cream? The guy sounds like he prioritises his own needs ahead of the baby

@Harrysmummy246

The leaving her alone in the house is perhaps worth being upset about

But the coat? No you're blowing that out of proportion

Really? It's cold enough for you to wear a coat and hat while active and walking, but you can't be arsed to get your baby dressed so just sling a light blanket over their sleepsuit and let them get cold?

Yes leaving the baby to get ice cream is a bit crap don't you think?

He knows he’s doing wrong, he doesn’t care though for some reason.

That’s the problem, he doesn’t care about his child’s well-being.

Why would they need to buy their own home? William is the heir to the heir to the throne, homes go with the job The Queen didn't buy Buckingham Palace.

I can't believe the amount of people saying it's fine for a baby to go outside in a sleepsuit and vest in February, regardless of the type of blanket - blankets get kicked off, they let in draughts, and they don't cover arms/shoulders/heads! Unless she was very well swaddled (which I doubt at nine months) then she needs a coat! You can get the all in one snowsuit type things from newborn onwards.

Is it child neglect? Genuine question... We have a shop immediately next door to our house, and I admit that I have nipped out to get milk once or twice when DD was asleep in her cot. 😶

My partners a nightmare who can’t be trusted to care for his child… and I’m pregnant again

I realised my partner was unable to care for the child we had.
Stopped having unprotected sex with him and eventually left when it became clear nothing was going to get better

I wish women would listen to themselves instead of their ovaries

You can be more than your biological urges

He strikes me as the kind of dad that would 'pop out the room for just a minute' while his 9-month baby is in the bath, not thinking how quickly and easily they could drown.

Does he do bathtime unsupervised? If so, that needs to change.

I really don't know what to say, but you are not over-reacting. If anything, you are under-reacting.