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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP has taken 9 month old DD outside without a coat on

250 replies

astroboy45 · 08/02/2022 10:21

Posting on MN because I'd just like to hear the opinions of others.

DP always gets DD in the morning so I'm able to sleep in until 8:30/9ish. I wasn't really feeling that tired so I came out of the bedroom to see no one was in the living room and had assumed they went for a walk or went to the shops or something. When DP gets back and pushes the pushchair in the living room, I see both of DDs coats on the table. I said 'what coat did you put on her' and he just looked at me like he'd been caught out and didn't say anything. As he's taking DD out of the buggy, I can see she's just in her sleepsuit. I said, 'you took the baby outside without a coat on??' Bearing in mind he has a nice warm coat on himself AND a hat. Yet DD has been taken outside with just a vest and a sleepsuit? He also picked one of the lighter covers to put on her which was barely on her. When he gave her to me, her hands, face and neck were freezing. I'm not exaggerating, she was honestly so cold.

My issue is, things like this isn't a one off. Last month I went to my mum's house and stayed over for one night just to have a break as I was exhausted. When I came back something told me to ask DP if he'd left DD alone at any point. One time I was at an appointment and called to check they were okay, DP said 'yeah she's fine she's sleeping, I'm just going downstairs to take the bin out.' I obviously told him he shouldn't leave her but that's just always stuck in my mind. Anyways! I asked him if he'd left her alone and he said he went across the road to Sainsbury's when she was asleep in the night. I said 'why the hell did you leave her? We didn't need formula, nappy or wipes so what was so important that you needed to get??' He told me he went to get Ben & Jerry's ice cream😕

I just don't understand. You always see people being told they're being precious and whatnot but this guy is so lax when it comes to DD that it's honestly a joke. It's like he's not a real person and doesn't consider ANY dangerous when it comes to DD. Taking her outside without a coat on in the middle of Winter, leaving her by herself to go and get ice cream. It just sounds like some sort of prank. I also had a post not long ago about him and his mum turning DDs rear facing car seat to front face when that's not even something that can be done???

I seriously need help. We're expecting again and I just don't know how to get him to understand that careless behaviour doesn't work when you have kids. He always used to be extra careful with DD and now it's as if he thinks she's 15 years old and doesn't need to be properly cared for or something. Am I the one being precious/hormonal or what?? Arghhh help me MN lol

OP posts:
Gizacluethen · 08/02/2022 10:42

YANBU at all. If he needs a hat and a coat she needs a hat coat and a good blanket.
From what you've said you live in a flat. It's not like me going out my front door and dropping a bag of rubbish in the bin, he's leaving the block of flats.

I'd be fuming on all counts. I remember the car seat thing too. He's going to get her killed or seriously injured at this rate. Especially as she gets older. She's going to be getting everywhere. She could easily hurt herself while he's out buying himself some fucking icecream.

I wouldn't have trusted him alone with her anymore.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 08/02/2022 10:42

“Why on earth are you having another baby with this tosser? Just take your LO and leave.”

Omg a bit dramatic isn’t it @Ozanj
Ffs 🤦‍♀️

Original poster
astroboy45 · 08/02/2022 10:43

This. Bloody hell! He's got you now though hasn't he? How can you trust him enough to leave him in charge? It's like next level strategic incompetence.

This!!! It's like, 'why are you so dumb??' 'when did you even become this dumb??'
Especially when I'm explaining things to him and I can see he GENUINELY did not think he was doing anything wrong. I find it worse than people who are purposely doing the wrong thing because at least then there's a chance at getting through to them. It's like talking to a brick wall sometimes and I don't know what he'll do next. It's just pathetic.

When I told him about leaving DD, he did say 'okay maybe I shouldn't have left her' but I still don't think he really understood the issue is you get what I mean. I just feel stuck. All I want is for him to use common sense at least when it comes to our kids ffs

OP posts:
Bellringer · 08/02/2022 10:44

Speak to health visitor

Creamcrackersandricecakes · 08/02/2022 10:45

All the people shrieking LTB - you are aware that if she did that he'd (easily) get unsupervised contact, possibly 50/50? None of the things he's done would be considered grounds for stopping contact or using a contact centre, nowhere near!

OP, I'd be cross too, my DD is a teenager now, but when she was tiny my DH did a few things that were pretty dense, (one particular incident springs to mind when he forgot she was weaned and didn't give her any lunch, just a bottle Confused). I'd lay it on the line with him that he needs to wake up sharpish, and don't leave her alone with him in the meantime. Good luck!

Original poster
astroboy45 · 08/02/2022 10:47

@Rno3gfr

I disagree with PP. The coat thing is a big deal. Saying “it’s not that cold today”- you don’t know where op lives? The baby came home ice cold, that is not acceptable. Would you like to go for a walk early on a February morning wearing just your pjs??

As for the rest of the issues listed I’m gobsmacked that he’s left alone with the baby at all. What’s wrong with him? He sounds utterly incompetent. I think you need to set out a few ground rules and really spell things out to him. E.g., 1. You install the car seat the way I show you, 2. Never leave the house without the baby (Hmm) (except to take bins out), 3. If your wearing a coat then baby needs a coat.

I really do feel sorry for you op- you deserve him to be a responsible father.

Thank you! @Rno3gfr

That's exactly it. Why should DD be outside in a simple vest and thin sleepsuit when he's nice and warm? It doesn't make any sense.
That's another thing my mum said. It's like all of a sudden things need to be spelled out really clearly for him to avoid things like this. It's a joke. No one has to explain things like this to me, it's just expected of me!

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 08/02/2022 10:48

If he was wearing a hat and coat I assume it was cold. Also he is moving which helps keep you warm, the baby isn’t

saraclara · 08/02/2022 10:50

Surely he can understand that if he needs a coat, then so does the baby? What did he say when you pointed that out?

Original poster
astroboy45 · 08/02/2022 10:50

@MonicaGellerBing

Why are these women on MN who come on to complain about the utterly useless idiots they are married to, always pregnant. Where has common sense gone
@MonicaGellerBing first of all, I have common sense so go somewhere else with your insults. I've been with DP for YEARS and as you can see, these things have happened in the last two months. As I've also said, he used to be really cautious with DD however he's been very careless these last two months. You read one post on a public forum and you think you have all the information to judge someone's life. You don't so think again
OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/02/2022 10:51

I think you might be kidding g yourself that up until 2 months ago he was the perfect parent and now he is actually neglectful.

Either that or he has had a brain haemorrhage 8 weeks ago

Hugasauras · 08/02/2022 10:53

Bins a non-issue, coat is a bit brainless, but leaving a baby alone in the house to go get ice cream at the shop? I would be fucking fuming.

He sounds incompetent and a bit thick tbh. My DH had absolutely no experience of babies, but possesses common sense and a brain. Is he otherwise incapable of normal thought?

Nanny0gg · 08/02/2022 10:53

Either the average reading age on here is in minus figures or people don't read the OP's posts AT ALL.

The baby came back from the walk icy cold. No hat, no coat and THIN blanket not properly Ln.

The bins are not just outside the back door.

The baby was left alone while he went to the supermarket.

He was happy to help his mother use the car seat incorrectly.

Start showing him some car crash videos and fire service ones @43astroboy45 Make him stand outside in a t Shirt and boxers.

Spell it out to him in words of one syllable. And make him answer you properly as to why he clearly doesn't care

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/02/2022 10:55

Those saying the bin is fine - it sounds like the OP lives in a block of flats, and putting the bin out would involve leaving the flat (locked probably!), going down multiple flights of communal stairs, outside to a communal bin area.

Unnecessary.

2022sucksalready · 08/02/2022 10:56

Maybe show him one of the news stories about the two little boys who sadly died in a house fire around Christmas while there mum had nipped off to sainsburys. Maybe that will help him understand the need for constant vigilance when you have a tiny person who can’t do anything to help themselves.

Hugasauras · 08/02/2022 10:56

Oh and I remember the car seat thread. That was really thick because it wasn't even a car seat capable of front facing. They just incorrectly installed a rear-facing seat and stuck a tiny baby in it.

I don't know what to suggest really. I wouldn't want him around my child given he is displaying such lack of judgement and basic common sense. But then if you don't let him do stuff solo then he gets off with being an incompetent buffoon.

CanofCant · 08/02/2022 10:56

It's not sustainable for you to have to be alert all the time and not leave him in charge. You are going to be knackered when the new baby is here and you can't switch off for fear of him doing something stupid that could seriously hurt one of the kids or lead to a fatal accident. I don't want to sound dramatic but these things happen. If you can't trust him this will lead to resentment setting in.

It's really bloody awful OP, I have lots of sympathy for you but no answers really. At least your mum is aware and you have support in that way. I don't think his massive errors of judgement should be kept a secret to protect him iyswim?

Hopefully someone else will come along with practical advice for you to take.

Abra1d1 · 08/02/2022 10:57

@MistyFrequencies

Honestly, the coat & the bins wouldn't bother me much.

I would be fucking furious if anyone left my baby alone in a house to go get ice cream. I'd never leave my child with them again.

Why can’t he take the bins out?
angieloumc · 08/02/2022 10:58

@SleepyRich

It is a bit odd to put a coat on yourself but not on the children you're taking out with you, i'd only not put a coat on if they were is a well fitted thick cosy toes.

Regards the shop visit, If it's literally just across the road then personally that's something I would do myself. Realistically what's going to happen? If they choke in their sleep that's silent and you wouldn't notice until you check on them visually, if you get run over going to the shop than I'd rather my child were at home alone through the night tbh.

You seriously would leave a baby to go to the shops? Wow, that's really poor parenting there I'm afraid! Those who are saying it was mild, maybe so but he had a coat and hat on, so he didn't want to be cold. I don't know what the answer is OP but you're not over reacting, he sounds bloody useless.
Original poster
astroboy45 · 08/02/2022 10:59

I'd be fuming on all counts. I remember the car seat thing too. He's going to get her killed or seriously injured at this rate. Especially as she gets older. She's going to be getting everywhere. She could easily hurt herself while he's out buying himself some fucking icecream.

This has really upset me reading this because really, this is the reality. If he keeps on being careless and not using his brain, who knows what's gonna happen to DD or the second baby. It may sound dramatic to him but he doesn't know what his actions will lead too. At the same time it's like, no matter how many conversations we have were he may seem to understand. He does something stupid again. I just don't know where to go from here

OP posts:
ChrissyPlummer · 08/02/2022 10:59

To be fair @Nanny0gg, the bin thing wasn’t immediately clear. My bins are just to the side of our (very small) garden. It would take me approximately 20 seconds to take rubbish out and be back in the house. I have lived in flats though where I’ve had to walk around to the next road to access the bin store, even then it would only be 2/3 minutes max.

CanofCant · 08/02/2022 10:59

@2022sucksalready

Maybe show him one of the news stories about the two little boys who sadly died in a house fire around Christmas while there mum had nipped off to sainsburys. Maybe that will help him understand the need for constant vigilance when you have a tiny person who can’t do anything to help themselves.
This is what stuck in my mind when you mentioned the trip to Sainsbury's. Iirc it was actually all four of her children that died.
Original poster
astroboy45 · 08/02/2022 11:00

@saraclara

Surely he can understand that if he needs a coat, then so does the baby? What did he say when you pointed that out?
@saraclara he just said he didn't put a coat on her because she was feeling warm before they left. Errr maybe that's because we live in a well insulated flat and it's so warm in here that we never have to put the heating on?? It's like all his common sense has just disappeared
OP posts:
CanofCant · 08/02/2022 11:04

Do you think it's that he has no common sense or is it something more sinister as in he is trying to stop you from leaving him in charge or having any freedom of your own? I just can't believe that he fails to think of these things.

Seeline · 08/02/2022 11:04

yes - four little boys all under 4

It was local to me so I remember it well Sad

Pr1mr0se · 08/02/2022 11:05

I think leaving a baby in the house alone is more serious than a trip out without a coat. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his child. Do you have any couple friends or relations with similar age babies who you could spend some social time with (with the father of your baby there too) so he can see how others with babies work? You need to have a conversation about what is and isn't the right way to do things with the baby.