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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP has taken 9 month old DD outside without a coat on

250 replies

astroboy45 · 08/02/2022 10:21

Posting on MN because I'd just like to hear the opinions of others.

DP always gets DD in the morning so I'm able to sleep in until 8:30/9ish. I wasn't really feeling that tired so I came out of the bedroom to see no one was in the living room and had assumed they went for a walk or went to the shops or something. When DP gets back and pushes the pushchair in the living room, I see both of DDs coats on the table. I said 'what coat did you put on her' and he just looked at me like he'd been caught out and didn't say anything. As he's taking DD out of the buggy, I can see she's just in her sleepsuit. I said, 'you took the baby outside without a coat on??' Bearing in mind he has a nice warm coat on himself AND a hat. Yet DD has been taken outside with just a vest and a sleepsuit? He also picked one of the lighter covers to put on her which was barely on her. When he gave her to me, her hands, face and neck were freezing. I'm not exaggerating, she was honestly so cold.

My issue is, things like this isn't a one off. Last month I went to my mum's house and stayed over for one night just to have a break as I was exhausted. When I came back something told me to ask DP if he'd left DD alone at any point. One time I was at an appointment and called to check they were okay, DP said 'yeah she's fine she's sleeping, I'm just going downstairs to take the bin out.' I obviously told him he shouldn't leave her but that's just always stuck in my mind. Anyways! I asked him if he'd left her alone and he said he went across the road to Sainsbury's when she was asleep in the night. I said 'why the hell did you leave her? We didn't need formula, nappy or wipes so what was so important that you needed to get??' He told me he went to get Ben & Jerry's ice cream😕

I just don't understand. You always see people being told they're being precious and whatnot but this guy is so lax when it comes to DD that it's honestly a joke. It's like he's not a real person and doesn't consider ANY dangerous when it comes to DD. Taking her outside without a coat on in the middle of Winter, leaving her by herself to go and get ice cream. It just sounds like some sort of prank. I also had a post not long ago about him and his mum turning DDs rear facing car seat to front face when that's not even something that can be done???

I seriously need help. We're expecting again and I just don't know how to get him to understand that careless behaviour doesn't work when you have kids. He always used to be extra careful with DD and now it's as if he thinks she's 15 years old and doesn't need to be properly cared for or something. Am I the one being precious/hormonal or what?? Arghhh help me MN lol

OP posts:

lucywho123 · 08/02/2022 11:56

@user33323

It sounds outrageous I agree. But our freezer is in our basement, which we have to go on to our balcony and down outside steps and through our garden to get to. By the time I've unlocked the basement, found what I need in the freezer, come back and locked up, it's probably the same time as someone who had a Sainsbury's directly across from their house. The risks are probably very close, (negligible) but one is acceptable and one is not. As for the coat, if the baby wasn't crying from being cold, and I doubt she was, it's fine. It won't make her sick, that is an old wives tale. My children have always resisted coats and not suffered from being cold. Try not to get into a cycle of blame and resentment.

Certain cold viruses thrive in cold weather - rhinovirus in particular. So what you are saying is incorrect actually as it can cause colds and make children/adults poorly

RosiePosieDozy · 08/02/2022 11:59

Leaving the baby alone to go to the shop is shocking. You need to sit him down and tell him why he can't do this. What could have happened when he did this. You need to lay it out to him.

Re the no coat, that makes me feel sad. Very selfish of him to wrap himself up and leave the baby with nothing.

Try a frank conversation. If he doesn't change, he should not be caring for your DC.

Teaforme123 · 08/02/2022 12:00

He sounds very irresponsible and completely selfish. I'd be annoyed with the coat thing, but leaving your baby alone to go shopping is actually very serious, should anything go wrong I dread to think of the consequences. I wouldn't leave him in charge he sounds incapable.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/02/2022 12:03

I find it interesting that you asked if he had left the baby alone.

You must have an inclin that he is the type of person who would neglect the baby this much.

It wouldn't even cross my mind to ask dh if he left the baby alone because he just wouldn't.

namethattunein1 · 08/02/2022 12:04

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I think you might be kidding g yourself that up until 2 months ago he was the perfect parent and now he is actually neglectful.

Either that or he has had a brain haemorrhage 8 weeks ago

Original poster

astroboy45 · 08/02/2022 12:05

@ChickenStripper why am I lucky to have a DP who gets DD in the morning, is that not his child also? Who's meant to help out in the mornings, the neighbours? Or is because I'm a woman I'm expected to wake up every morning and just get on with it....

but OP seems to get tired a lot - hence asking why she is having another baby so soon when she can't get up in the morning.

I'm not sure if you're purposely being thick or you just are but I'm pregnant. I care for DD throughout the day and will be up with her if she wakes up in the night. DD wakes up at 7/7:30 everyday. I have a lie in until 8:30/9. I'm not sleeping until 2pm everyday. I'm quite capable of getting up in the mornings but why not take advantage of having a lie in when DP's there?

OP posts:

whynotwhatknot · 08/02/2022 12:06

hes useless isnt he-if he thought he was going to be cold outside why did he think the baby wouldnt be

she was warm in here-yeah and so are you twat

PrincessCaspian91 · 08/02/2022 12:07

It sounds like he doesn’t have any common sense when it comes to parenting and needs some lessons or something, I know in other countries parents are given lessons in basic childcare not sure what resources are available here. My other concern would be that these are just the things you saw/ found out about and there’s probably been other risky behaviours.

If he’s just become absent-minded in the last few months that could be down to stress. I do stupid things when I’m anxious and my DP becomes useless if anxiety gets the best of him. Might be worth talking about.

Shmithecat2 · 08/02/2022 12:09

@Seeline

how old is the baby?

The clue is in the title

KurtWilde · 08/02/2022 12:10

The coat and bin thing is a non issue for me. It takes 2 minutes to put a bin out. How do you think people who are alone with kids do it? The coat thing.. not ideal but she had a little blanket on too? Did they go out for hours or just nipped to the Sainsbury's you say is opposite? Also wouldn't be an issue for me.

Leaving her alone at night to pop to Sainsbury's is not ok though. Not at all.

toomuchlaundry · 08/02/2022 12:12

@KurtWilde it might take you 2 minutes to do the bins but do you live in a block of flats?

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/02/2022 12:13

Coat . If he needed to wear one then should have put one on 9mth

It’s cold. It’s winter

Bins depending where the are. Seconds in and out or out of house few mins

Going to shop and leaving alone is a no

KurtWilde · 08/02/2022 12:14

[quote toomuchlaundry]@KurtWilde it might take you 2 minutes to do the bins but do you live in a block of flats?[/quote]
I used to when my older ones were tiny, and I was a single parent. Who else was going to do it?

Original poster

astroboy45 · 08/02/2022 12:14

@TheVanguardSix

I don't know what to say really but... 2 under 2 with your partner will stretch you, OP. Brace yourself. It'll be even more anxiety-inducing. Hopefully, he'll get his act together but usually, careless people lack foresight and that can become a dangerous thing. He doesn't seem to see 'risk'. That type of person is very stressful to raise children with and it is something that can't be taught, in my own experience.

It's the accumulation of silly decisions that's a worry. One-off mistakes or poor judgment can be forgiven. But he seems to have a pattern of making bad decisions. Going to the shops is just 'NO'. The thing with the bins is, what if the door slammed shut and he got locked out?
I was a single mother with DC1, so I cut people lots and lots of slack. And sometimes, when you're alone, you have to put baby in a cot and crack on with non-baby/life stuff. But still, you do it carefully and never lose sight of the fact that the baby's safety is paramount... even if you're just putting the bins out. The ice cream run just says a lot... he feels too cocksure about leaving the baby unattended. It's exhausting for you! I was married to a similar type of man and it got worse with every pregnancy/baby (hopefully, this won't be your situation). Forget about needing eyes in the back of my head for the baby! I needed eyes in the back of my head for their careless father! It's so draining and I really, really, really hope your partner evolves into a responsible dad.

@TheVanguardSix thank you for this comment. You've basically summed up what's been going through my head. 'Careless people lack foresight and that can become a dangerous thing.' That's exactly it! The fact that I never know what he's going to do next or don't even know what he's thinking to advise against it, is what's starting to stress me out. As you said, he seems to have a pattern of making bad decisions when it comes to DD and I'm really not sure how to address it in a way that it gets through to him.

Literally I feel as if I need eyes in the back of my head to watch him! I'd just like him to grow up and get a grip on life. I'm not sure if it's because we're first time parents and we're both mid twenties but even then, that's not an excuse. We're both parents now, he needs to use his brain

OP posts:

Original poster

astroboy45 · 08/02/2022 12:14

[quote 2022HereWeCome]OP has this really just happened in the last two months or has he always been a bit like this with DD? I wonder if he is being influenced by his mum - I notice in your original post it was him and his mum that decided to put the car seat the wrong way around.

Sadly different generations used to think it was OK to leave babies and children alone for a few minutes to go to the shops, especially if they were asleep, or would leave babies in their prams outside shops.

I think you need to get a whole range of child safety information together, have your mum look after DD and sit down with your partner and go through it in detail. Tell him he has to follow the advice or you won't be able to trust him with DD again and will be considering your options.

There is really helpfully advice and information on this website www.rospa.com/home-safety/advice/accidents-to-children[/quote]
@2022HereWeCome thanks for the link, I'll check that out

OP posts:

thewreckofthehesperus · 08/02/2022 12:15

The sentence that stands out for me in your OP is 'He looked at me like he'd been caught out'. He knew he should have put a coat on her and put his own convenience and laziness ahead of his daughter's health and well being.

I would genuinely be telling him that this is relationship ending territory and that you need to see him making active change in his behaviour. That he needs to be re-gaining your trust before the new baby arrives and that any further endangering of your children will mean you take steps in asking him to leave.

nurserypolitics · 08/02/2022 12:15

Honestly OP I would be calling NSPCC or social services for advise about parenting courses, maybe through your GP. You need to take this seriously, other people need to take this seriously, and you need to have it documented - if there's an accident that makes you realise you need to leave to protect your children and as far as officials know its a once-off, then he could easily get 50/50 or visitation.

Can you call your midwife and ask their advise on accessing support? He needs someone external to force him to take this seriously because he clearly has no respect for you, or your mother.

I don't know anyone, of any age, who would think its ok to leave a baby that small. Its actually the worst possible age: a smaller baby would just cry till you got back, at 9 months she'll be learning to pull herself up/crawl/suddenly able to do all sorts of things she couldn't before. God only knows what he could have come back to.

There's no magic bullet anyone can give you to make him understand. I really think you and he need outside support, and think this is the kind of thing social workers should be able to direct you to.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 08/02/2022 12:15

@KurtWilde

Leaving her alone at night to pop to Sainsbury's is not ok though. Not at all.

This is an idiot response. Please just ignore it OP.

He sounds like a fucking moron. I'm sure hhe was nice and warm this morning before he left the house too, but he put on a coat and hat because he knew he would be cold once OUTSIDE. But he didnt apply that same thought process to his baby. Ah well, she is nice and warm inside a nice warm home. She'll be fine in her jammies and thin blanket but I need a winter coat and hat.

I mean... what was he thinking? What a fuckwit.

I really wish he could see replies from others, to really hit home how bloody stupid he is being. But mumsnet should be your safe place to vent so you cant really show him. Arrgh!

I remember the car seat thread and though he was an idiot but maybe it was his mum forcing him and he hadnt grown his, "I'm a parent now so dont need to do what mum says" attitude. But it clearly isnt a little error. It is his whole mindset. He is just stupid.

Confrontayshunme · 08/02/2022 12:16

I knew a woman whose partner was like this. Her NDN finally reported to the police when he left baby in a hot car. Thankfully, she was fine, but SS took the view that he was a risk and SHE was a risk for not reporting dad herself when other things happened. I would tell him to look for a council baby care and first aid course to take, or he needs to move out before you end up with a harmed child.

SkipThisStep · 08/02/2022 12:17

I think it is pretty appalling he didn't bother getting her dressed or putting a coat on.
Taking bins out is okay.
Going to shops is not!

SleepyRich · 08/02/2022 12:18

@angieloumc

I don't agree that's 'really poor parenting' it's just different from what you do. I work as a Paramedic so am used to judging parents and the stupid things they do, but I always remind myself that everyone has their own viewpoint and culture, and what seems normal or sensible to me isn't the same for everyone else. I'm sure there's any number of things that you do with your children where we could point fingers and tell you you're neglectful or poor. - as car seats and coats have been referenced one I judge people for at the moment is people who put their small children in rear facing seats wearing coats/padded clothing, I've been to three incidents now (in 5 years) where babies have not been held in place since the seat mechanism is dependent on the shoulders not being able to slip under the belts which in little ones is easy to occur- this doesn't come up in safety testing as they fit the belts tight and don't put the test subject in inappropriate clothing.

NowEvenBetter · 08/02/2022 12:23

So he repeatedly puts his kid at risk (car seat, leaving her alone in the house), doesn’t see what the big deal is, and is refusing to make huge changes to ensure he never risks his kids life, ever again? Grim.

steppingcarefully · 08/02/2022 12:24

@Mischance

I used to go out and garden - quite a big garden - while babies were asleep indoors. How far away is the shop? How long was he gone?

This is a bit different to going out to a shop. You wouldn't have been in danger of getting run over in your garden! You would have seen if your house caught fire. Maybe a bit extreme but it could happen. A baby or child should never be left alone in the house if the house is not in view in my opinion.

angieloumc · 08/02/2022 12:24

[quote SleepyRich]@angieloumc

I wouldn't say a parent was poor or neglectful for leaving a coat on for a child in the car, they've just not been aware of the risk. Risk is not always obvious, for example regards the dad in this case going out to the shop, the highest risk to the child would have been if the dad took the child to the shop with him (i.e. potential for being hit by car).[/quote]
I'm not a perfect parent, nor do I claim to be. However, leaving a baby alone in the house to go to Sainsbury's for ice cream really is below the bar for normal parenting. I'm surprised as a paramedic you think that this is ok, as I'm sure you've seen many disturbing things in your job.

SeaToSki · 08/02/2022 12:25

Do you think you could get through to him by saying he has to make decisions about DD based on what he thinks you would choose to do/has seen you do? That takes away his personal judgement from the equation.

Then I would try and run through some scenarios with him to build up his decision making knowledge. Eg you want to go to the park, its raining and windy, DD is toddling, do you go or not, what do you pack, what do you need to watch out for? If he is happy to engage and ‘practice’ it shows that he understands that he has been a bit lax and needs to build his knowledge. If he wont engage, that tells you something as well. Also try and not do this from a perspective of blame, but one of help/learning

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