DP has taken 9 month old DD outside without a coat on

[astroboy45]

Posting on MN because I'd just like to hear the opinions of others.

DP always gets DD in the morning so I'm able to sleep in until 8:30/9ish. I wasn't really feeling that tired so I came out of the bedroom to see no one was in the living room and had assumed they went for a walk or went to the shops or something. When DP gets back and pushes the pushchair in the living room, I see both of DDs coats on the table. I said 'what coat did you put on her' and he just looked at me like he'd been caught out and didn't say anything. As he's taking DD out of the buggy, I can see she's just in her sleepsuit. I said, 'you took the baby outside without a coat on??' Bearing in mind he has a nice warm coat on himself AND a hat. Yet DD has been taken outside with just a vest and a sleepsuit? He also picked one of the lighter covers to put on her which was barely on her. When he gave her to me, her hands, face and neck were freezing. I'm not exaggerating, she was honestly so cold.

My issue is, things like this isn't a one off. Last month I went to my mum's house and stayed over for one night just to have a break as I was exhausted. When I came back something told me to ask DP if he'd left DD alone at any point. One time I was at an appointment and called to check they were okay, DP said 'yeah she's fine she's sleeping, I'm just going downstairs to take the bin out.' I obviously told him he shouldn't leave her but that's just always stuck in my mind. Anyways! I asked him if he'd left her alone and he said he went across the road to Sainsbury's when she was asleep in the night. I said 'why the hell did you leave her? We didn't need formula, nappy or wipes so what was so important that you needed to get??' He told me he went to get Ben & Jerry's ice cream😕

I just don't understand. You always see people being told they're being precious and whatnot but this guy is so lax when it comes to DD that it's honestly a joke. It's like he's not a real person and doesn't consider ANY dangerous when it comes to DD. Taking her outside without a coat on in the middle of Winter, leaving her by herself to go and get ice cream. It just sounds like some sort of prank. I also had a post not long ago about him and his mum turning DDs rear facing car seat to front face when that's not even something that can be done???

I seriously need help. We're expecting again and I just don't know how to get him to understand that careless behaviour doesn't work when you have kids. He always used to be extra careful with DD and now it's as if he thinks she's 15 years old and doesn't need to be properly cared for or something. Am I the one being precious/hormonal or what?? Arghhh help me MN lol

The quaint sense of security in society meant my grandmother didn't expect a stranger to nick the kid but rather to come in to any shop and say oi, someone's baby is crying out here.

@TabithaTittlemouse

and? Do we all have lie ins because we are pregnant? Many of us work during our pregnancies

She’s sleeping until 8:30! Many of us do work throughout pregnancy but many of us don’t do 9-5 jobs! I was absolutely shattered through my pregnancies and would have loved to have slept for an extra 30 minutes.

Stop making excuses for this stupid excuse of a ‘father’ and trying to shame the op. Out of everything she has posted about his awful parenting you have decided that her not getting up with their child each morning means that she is lucky to have him.

I'm not defending him but I am wondering why she is lying in bed in the morning if she is so concerned. That time of day is a pretty normal day for people to be up and about but neither of them do seem to be at work at that time. I'm trying to get an understanding of the routine of their day as opposed to guessing like others.

Did he not see the reports of the woman who popped to the local shop and lost all four of her kids in a fire around Christmas time?

I'm not defending him but I am wondering why she is lying in bed in the morning if she is so concerned.

So she should do 24/7 childcare and let him be eternally incompetent? Nice 👍🏻

@ChickenStripper I'm trying my best to ignore you but fucking hell you're like a dog with a bone. Nowhere in my OP did I say anything that relates to our work schedule. That's because it's irrelevant to my actual post. Nosy fuckers like you love to add your two pence in just to see what other people's lives are like. It's not your business what we do for work/if we work or not because again, that has nothing to do with the problem within the post.

Not everyone works 8-4/9-5 office roles. People work night work, shift work, part time and can start at midday. The list is literally endless but because I lie in until 9 most days, that means neither of us work. If you want your DP (if you even have one because miserable people like you tend to be single) to do fuck all whilst you run around your kids with barely any sleep then good for you👍
DP may be useless right now but at least he's pulling his weight as a parent SHOULD. Fuck me you'd think I was sleeping in until 2pm everyday. Sorry for trying to catch up on the bit of sleep I've missed out on in the night whilst DD has woken up

@JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil

Did he not see the reports of the woman who popped to the local shop and lost all four of her kids in a fire around Christmas time?

I've seen many comments lime this and kept on forgetting to respond.

Yes he did. I remember we both felt so sorry for the two sets of twins that passed away in the fire. Even when he left her I reminded him of the story where the woman left the boys asleep to quickly go to Sainsbury's. I honestly think he thinks these things are bad luck or just unlikely to happen so it's worth the risk

I’d be absolutely furious about the coat! Even though it’s mild winter weather, it’s still cold enough for a coat and babies sitting in a pram will feel it much more than an adult walking pushing it as they’re moving which warms them up.

I wouldn’t trust my DH with the baby after that on it’s own but the going to the shop puts his total stupidiity and neglect on another level! I get what you’re saying about going to the bin as well if it’s quite a way from your property. A 9 month old is not immobile and he could have put the bag outside the front door and you or he taken it out when the other was in the property.

Unfortunately OP you now know he’s not to be trusted as he’s shown what type of person he is. Even my teens know you can’t leave a baby alone!

I wouldn’t advise leaving him as you’ll just be on your with two babies and no help but you can’t leave him alone with them until they’re older. You need to have someone else there. He just won’t tell you next time unless you catch him out.

He's done a very good job of ensuring he's never expected to look after his own children, hasn't he?

@BellatricksStrange

These are just two different viewpoints. You aren't any more in the right than your husband.

Ridiculous!

i think he needs actual parentng clases not ante natal ones-he knows what to expect at birth etc he seems to have forgotten what comes next

I don’t know how far away your bins are so won’t comment on that, but I would be fucking fuming with him for getting all wrapped up himself to go out but leaving the baby to freeze. That is just so selfish, as is leaving her alone to go and get bloody ice cream! It seems strange to me that it’s only in the last two months that he’s started to behave so irresponsibly. How far gone are you OP?

Not wanting to go off piste but why ante-natal classes for your second? We only have them for first time parents or those with a significant gap between kids (and then it tends mainly to be second marriages where the woman looks bored and just does it for the sake of the man who has never done it). Are these really funded for non- first time parents? We do have hospital tours for those who are booked in, don’t do the antenatal classes as not first timers but have not given birth in that particular hospital before, but that’s just a one off 90 minutes generally.

It's not because you are in your mid-twenties! Early-twenty-something are capable of looking after babies properly, professionally or as parents, and many do. It's because this man has problems of one kind or another. I'm not quite sure what they are - some reasonable suggestions have been made.

It could be accidental or deliberate incompentance, a way of controlling you or not having to take sole care. He could even be scared of sole care especially when it is of two babies and he is consciously or unconsciously working to prevent that. Too much in his mother's pocket when she's got terrible ideas that won't help him at all? Maybe he's depressed or anxious or overwhelmed with the idea of the second baby so soon, this can make people's behaviour change in odd ways although it's not an excuse but could be an explanation of sorts to be explored and dealt with. Maybe he wants to leave you but wants to engineer for him to be you leave him? Maybe he's always been a complete twit and there is nothing else going on, but you've only just noticed that.

I agree with the person who said to speak to your health visitor and be frank that you think that his stupidity is and will continue to put your children at genuine risk of harm. This is both to see if the HV can help, but also to get all this noted down in detail and on the record so that you can use it later if it comes to a custody case.

@BellatricksStrange

She is very much more right than her husband, and I hope that given that you take this view, you yourself are not involved in leaving a baby alone while you go to the shop, or taking one out without adequate clothing? This baby is being put at risk, and the NSPCC, health visitor and social workers would not find it acceptable, even if their hands were tied because it wasn't quite bad enough for them to take formal action.

I think all you can do now is talk to him about the seriousness of these things and set some ground rules. He needs supervising more around the dd until he understands how to parent better. I had to do alot of checks on my DH throughout my parenting journey for example he'd take a toddler out without bringing a nappy and water bottle/snack with him unless he was prompted. Eventually he got it but he can still be quite disorgansied with things like that so usually I try and pack a bag for DC if hes taking them out somwhere. Hes otherwise a great dad though and used to take the kids out for hours to the park etc so I could get a break. Hopefully your DP will be like that too so i wouldn't be too strict and say he can never look after dd alone but he does need to be guided and supervised until he's understood the basics. If he gets up early with DD you'll need to say to him shes not allowed out the house without a coat and warm blanket on etc and hat. Maybe you'll have to lay it all out in a pile the night before. I dont think he should be left overnight alone with her. Shes still 9 months and mothers do generally know whats best for their babies rather than the father at this age.

@HoppingPavlova

Not wanting to go off piste but why ante-natal classes for your second? We only have them for first time parents or those with a significant gap between kids (and then it tends mainly to be second marriages where the woman looks bored and just does it for the sake of the man who has never done it). Are these really funded for non- first time parents? We do have hospital tours for those who are booked in, don’t do the antenatal classes as not first timers but have not given birth in that particular hospital before, but that’s just a one off 90 minutes generally.

@HoppingPavlova the council I’m in has antenatal classes for anyone expecting. Doesn’t matter if it’s your second, third, fourth etc. They actually encourage parents who have already had a child (no matter the age gaps) so they can have a mix of experienced/non experienced parents.

DP never went to antenatal classes when we were expecting his first so now he can have it for our second. He’ll definitely be doing a parenting class with me somewhere down the line

@BeeDavis

I’m sorry but you’re slagging your partner off for how he is with your child… to then go on and say you’re having another one!!! Absolutely bonkers and tbh I find it hard to have sympathy for women who just go on to have more kids with men they clearly don’t bloody trust.

This.

To people who are 'ranking' these incidents by severity: that's not really the point. The problem is that shit-for-brains is getting into a habit of careless, potentially dangerous, behaviour, but since so far, no harm has come he's going to carry on doing it and get more and more blase about the whole thing. It's the 'my grandad smoked 40 a day and lived to 92' mentality.

@BellatricksStrange

These are just two different viewpoints. You aren't any more in the right than your husband.

What??

Of course they're not just 'different viewpoints'

[quote Yearofthetygerburningbright]@BellatricksStrange

She is very much more right than her husband, and I hope that given that you take this view, you yourself are not involved in leaving a baby alone while you go to the shop, or taking one out without adequate clothing? This baby is being put at risk, and the NSPCC, health visitor and social workers would not find it acceptable, even if their hands were tied because it wasn't quite bad enough for them to take formal action.[/quote]
Well if it's not bad enough to take formal action, that means it's just a difference of opinion. The health worker might tut tut about it, as have other PPs in this thread. But the argument could just as well be made that it's no big deal.

Fires very rarely break out in safe homes where there are no naked flames. And fundamentally there's no difference between going on the bog for 10 minutes or popping to a shop for 10 minutes.

OP,

You have my sympathy.

I think he knew well about the coat but couldn't be arsed.
He was walking and moving and still needed a coat and hat to be warm.
A baby sitting, inactive with very little on, would indeed be freezing.
Unforgivable.

You are getting lots of advice.

I don't wish to offend you, but with such deliberate, strategic incompetence, I would be re thinking this pregnancy.

Two under two will be an enormous load for you to carry with a man so determined to be careless.

I would flag his recklessness with your GP and health visitor.

This will destroy your love, respect, and marriage.

You will grow to despise him.
With good reason IMO.

You cannot depend on him to take the most basic care of his child.

It is an accident waiting to happen unfortunately.

You sound like a lovely woman, but you need to protect yourself and your child from his deliberate stupidity.

You really have my sympathy.
So upsetting for you.

@Superhanz

Is he fucking serious? He left your baby daughter alone in the house to go and get ice cream, that's child neglect. If someone ever left my child like that we'd be leaving him for good. I don't have any other advice except LTB (sorry) he sounds like he couldn't care less about your daughter, he'll be the same with a new baby, you'd be better off as a single mum, at least you'll know they are safe, he's only safe to see them in a contact centre.

Isn't this the sort of thing that people unable to parent their children do? The kind of parent whose children eventually are removed by social services?

@BellatricksStrange
If you’re on the toilet you can hear your baby crying , that’s the difference. No doubt you’ll quicken up and see to them. If you’re across the road then you won’t
Also it signals a risk taker who isn’t concerned about their child enough and suffers poor common sense and their behaviour will likely escalate.

The coat thing is poor but leaving her alone while he went to the shops is awful. I think you should tell him that regardless of what he thinks about the risk, social services would regard that as neglect.

Think the press have gotten hold of this story, saw it pop up on FB on the Mirror (which is weird as I don't follow them but most have been an ad or something?)