DP has taken 9 month old DD outside without a coat on

[astroboy45]

Posting on MN because I'd just like to hear the opinions of others.

DP always gets DD in the morning so I'm able to sleep in until 8:30/9ish. I wasn't really feeling that tired so I came out of the bedroom to see no one was in the living room and had assumed they went for a walk or went to the shops or something. When DP gets back and pushes the pushchair in the living room, I see both of DDs coats on the table. I said 'what coat did you put on her' and he just looked at me like he'd been caught out and didn't say anything. As he's taking DD out of the buggy, I can see she's just in her sleepsuit. I said, 'you took the baby outside without a coat on??' Bearing in mind he has a nice warm coat on himself AND a hat. Yet DD has been taken outside with just a vest and a sleepsuit? He also picked one of the lighter covers to put on her which was barely on her. When he gave her to me, her hands, face and neck were freezing. I'm not exaggerating, she was honestly so cold.

My issue is, things like this isn't a one off. Last month I went to my mum's house and stayed over for one night just to have a break as I was exhausted. When I came back something told me to ask DP if he'd left DD alone at any point. One time I was at an appointment and called to check they were okay, DP said 'yeah she's fine she's sleeping, I'm just going downstairs to take the bin out.' I obviously told him he shouldn't leave her but that's just always stuck in my mind. Anyways! I asked him if he'd left her alone and he said he went across the road to Sainsbury's when she was asleep in the night. I said 'why the hell did you leave her? We didn't need formula, nappy or wipes so what was so important that you needed to get??' He told me he went to get Ben & Jerry's ice cream😕

I just don't understand. You always see people being told they're being precious and whatnot but this guy is so lax when it comes to DD that it's honestly a joke. It's like he's not a real person and doesn't consider ANY dangerous when it comes to DD. Taking her outside without a coat on in the middle of Winter, leaving her by herself to go and get ice cream. It just sounds like some sort of prank. I also had a post not long ago about him and his mum turning DDs rear facing car seat to front face when that's not even something that can be done???

I seriously need help. We're expecting again and I just don't know how to get him to understand that careless behaviour doesn't work when you have kids. He always used to be extra careful with DD and now it's as if he thinks she's 15 years old and doesn't need to be properly cared for or something. Am I the one being precious/hormonal or what?? Arghhh help me MN lol

Going to get ice cream is the weirdest reason ive ever read for leaving a tiny baby alone in a flat by itself. Also no idea why anyone is making excuses for taking a 9 month old baby old in the cold (its winter btw) without a coat on, like thats just common sense surely. He sounds like a complete thicko, no idea why you would have another baby with such an incompetent man so soon

Not being funny, but I read a horrific post several years ago on here about one of these DHs who are completely careless with the DC's safety. The incident posted about resulted in a life changing accident where the OP's child was seriously injured. It's not something you can afford to be lax about.

People are being obtuse about the coat and the bins. I don't always use a coat for a baby, but you make sure they are well wrapped up instead, which he didn't. Sounds like more of an example of a general pattern of carelessness.

He wasn't "fine" 2 months ago because before that he was doing daft things like putting the newborn car seat in the car the wrong way around ie totally unsecured.

Oh OP.

Weaponised incompetence. Google it.

He knows. He does it on purpose so you won’t leave her with him again.

[quote TabithaTittlemouse]@ChickenStripper lucky? In what way?[/quote]
Lucky in having a lie in every day? We have no idea about their household details but OP seems to get tired a lot - hence asking why she is having another baby so soon when she can't get up in the morning.

I’m sorry but you’re slagging your partner off for how he is with your child… to then go on and say you’re having another one!!! Absolutely bonkers and tbh I find it hard to have sympathy for women who just go on to have more kids with men they clearly don’t bloody trust.

Imagine being lumbered with a bloke like this, his ineptness is just embarrassing. Id have to leave him, id have zero respect for someone this thick....unfortunately your tied to him for life, whats the plan op? Stay n seethe n do all the work?

Is there someone among his family/ friends you can enlist to help you get the responsibility message across : his father and mother, a friend who is a sensible father, a sister with children?

He is clearly overestimating his own abilities badly.

@ancientgran

Taking the bin out is perfectly normal I think.

Taking her out in the buggy it depends on the blanket and how well she was covered.

Going to Sainsbury's is totally wrong so I'd focus on that one.

Oh for the Love!!

Did you not bother to read ANY of the OP's posts other than the first one?

@Suprima

I honestly don’t know why you are pregnant again by someone so useless

If he has shown that he really isn’t a good dad, I do wonder why you want to bring another child in to the mix. If he doesn’t seem care for the child you have already.

I don't know what to say really but... 2 under 2 with your partner will stretch you, OP. Brace yourself. It'll be even more anxiety-inducing. Hopefully, he'll get his act together but usually, careless people lack foresight and that can become a dangerous thing. He doesn't seem to see 'risk'. That type of person is very stressful to raise children with and it is something that can't be taught, in my own experience.

It's the accumulation of silly decisions that's a worry. One-off mistakes or poor judgment can be forgiven. But he seems to have a pattern of making bad decisions. Going to the shops is just 'NO'. The thing with the bins is, what if the door slammed shut and he got locked out?
I was a single mother with DC1, so I cut people lots and lots of slack. And sometimes, when you're alone, you have to put baby in a cot and crack on with non-baby/life stuff. But still, you do it carefully and never lose sight of the fact that the baby's safety is paramount... even if you're just putting the bins out. The ice cream run just says a lot... he feels too cocksure about leaving the baby unattended. It's exhausting for you! I was married to a similar type of man and it got worse with every pregnancy/baby (hopefully, this won't be your situation). Forget about needing eyes in the back of my head for the baby! I needed eyes in the back of my head for their careless father! It's so draining and I really, really, really hope your partner evolves into a responsible dad.

@endlesssighing

Oh OP.

Weaponised incompetence. Google it.

He knows. He does it on purpose so you won’t leave her with him again.

But his 'weaponised incompetence ' is actively dangerous. Its not like he's not doing the washing up properly

SUPER absolutely agree this is child neglect he sounds like a selfish pr#$k he puts a cost on so he's alright, he wants ice cream so he gets it no thought for his baby being alone but he had his ice cream so again he is alright
Jeez op you really need him to grow up and step up. Tell him straight look after your child his needs come second not first

OP has this really just happened in the last two months or has he always been a bit like this with DD? I wonder if he is being influenced by his mum - I notice in your original post it was him and his mum that decided to put the car seat the wrong way around.

Sadly different generations used to think it was OK to leave babies and children alone for a few minutes to go to the shops, especially if they were asleep, or would leave babies in their prams outside shops.

I think you need to get a whole range of child safety information together, have your mum look after DD and sit down with your partner and go through it in detail. Tell him he has to follow the advice or you won't be able to trust him with DD again and will be considering your options.

There is really helpfully advice and information on this website www.rospa.com/home-safety/advice/accidents-to-children

@ChickenStripper she’s pregnant!

The very first night he was left alone with our dd, my exh placed her on a table in a bouncy chair - she rocked it off the table, but it stuck on a chair so she was no injured. The first night he was left alone with our son, he placed our dd on a folding chair, went to change ds's nappy, ran back to our dd as she had trapped her fingers in the chair, leaving ds on the changing mat. He fell off, exh had to take him to the hospital - again, luckily not injured.

I had to get a new job.

He tells these stories now as if they were funny - at after-dinner speeches.

It sometimes feels like an insect has crawled into his head and eaten his brain.

What do you want to do about it, OP?

I wouldn't get worked up about the bins and it sounds like she had a vest, babygrow and a cover on so maybe he was just a bit careless with how cold it was (it is very mild here today).

But the leaving her to go to the shop. That is completely irresponsible and I would be fuming about that. It is so so dangerous. How on earth has he justified that to himself?

I might get jumped on here but... does he love her, OP? In all honesty.
I won't go into my story here but my marriage ended tramatically a few months ago after the reality of my former husband's parenting and cruelty unfolded. He wasn't outwardly cruel at all. He was a lazy parent... didn't see risk... did everything sort of half-assed but didn't seem ill-intended. He was what people would call a normal bloke... a bit of a 'blokey' parent'. That's how people described him to my utter annoyance. Permission to be a shit parent because you're just some poor sod stuck with a 'hormonal' wife.

What I've had to come to terms with is that he didn't love our children. Nevermind me. I can cope with the latter. But the carelessness with them when they were babies was indicative of a man who really was never cut out to be a parent.
Keep an open mind. Baby number two might be the making of your partner. He may absolutely evolve into the parent you need him to be. And yes, we all make mistakes and there is room for growth when it comes to those small niggles. And I sincerely hope that this is what will become of your partner... he will grow into a loving, caring dad who will have the foresight and the ability to protect his children from harm. Harm comes too easily to little ones. Sorry to scaremonger, but I just want you to know, you're not hormonal. You are rightly concerned.

I'm guessing he's getting his parenting from his mother. I remember your last thread. She wanted your dc in the front seat so your DH put her in. He forwarded faces a maxi cosi infant carrier with the seatbelt across your dc's middle. They could have killed her. All to keep his mother happy. She's probably reassuring him that pooping to the shops is normal and you are a panicking first time mum.

Does he have any dad friends? Can he speak to anyone he trusts who will tell him how dangerous he is. He sounds incredibly selfish.

But on the good side - he's trying. Badly. He's letting you rest and get a day off. He's happy to take the baby for a walk. It's small but it suggests he's not a total waste of space.

He could probably benefit from a parenting course.

Or using a forum like this.

It sounds outrageous I agree. But our freezer is in our basement, which we have to go on to our balcony and down outside steps and through our garden to get to. By the time I've unlocked the basement, found what I need in the freezer, come back and locked up, it's probably the same time as someone who had a Sainsbury's directly across from their house. The risks are probably very close, (negligible) but one is acceptable and one is not. As for the coat, if the baby wasn't crying from being cold, and I doubt she was, it's fine. It won't make her sick, that is an old wives tale. My children have always resisted coats and not suffered from being cold. Try not to get into a cycle of blame and resentment.

I didn't read where the bins are so I take that comment back too. I don't think I'd leave her with him.

Yes she should have a coat on, and probably a hat if temp near you is similar to near me and I’m down south. That’s mad.

If your cot is to safe sleeping guidelines then I think it would be ok to leave her safe in there and nip the bins out. (But I would close/lock the front door to prevent kidnap) Going to the shop is mad. I don’t take the bins out when I’m alone with DD because we live in flats and would take too long for me to feel comfortable.

The old wives' tale about being cold leaving you susceptible to a cold virus was shown to be true by scientists a while ago.

Anyway it goes to show he's not thinking about the comfort and safety of his own baby.

What actually is the point of him OP? He's going to bring nothing to the table as far as parenting is concerned as you clearly can't trust him to keep his own children safe. Personally, I'd be telling him needs to move out so that I could keep the children safe from him. He's choosing to be a shit parent and I couldn't tolerate that.

You need to have a serious talk with him. You're not being irrational or hormonal. It's not really any one thing by itself (although the ice cream visit is baffling) it's the accumulation.

He's either doing it deliberately - in which case, what actual use is he to you once the new baby arrives - or he's oblivious to risk. And if he can not learn to recognise and respond to the risks his children might face he can't be left with them.

I leave my baby in a safe place to get on with short tasks - putting the washing out, even the bins (if I KNOW I have the keys!), or a quick shower - but I only do so if I am sure baby is completely secure and even then I am quick and checking back in on him every three mins. I'd never leave my child unattended while I went out of the house for say 10 or 15 mins.

When the baby is asleep tonight, sit down with him, serious conversation time, and really lay out that this is not okay. Try and not make it an argument, but be really clear about what is and not okay. And if things don't change then ask yourself if you can tolerate this in child-rearing partnership.