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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give DP a deadline for the proposal

380 replies

Teqillatey · 07/02/2022 23:25

DP and I have been together for 18 months, lived together for a year and are both extremely happy. We’ve discussed our future a lot and both agree that marriage is important to us and something we want in our future and DP will often make references to “when we get married” and so on.

We are both in our 30s and both spent years in a bad long term relationship before we met, so I’m now at the stage where I don’t want to waste any more time and would like full commitment and to settle down. I’m of the view that 2 years together should be more than enough time to judge whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody and personally I’m not keen on waiting much longer than that for a proposal. DP’s good friend recently proposed to his partner of 1 year and DP mentioned to me how soon he felt it was, which concerns me that our expectations may not be aligned.

Would it be too pushy and wrong of me to discuss my timescales and expectations in terms of the 2 year rule or do I have to shut up and wait it out?

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 07/02/2022 23:27

Why do you have to wait for him to do it? Rather than giving him a deadline, just ask him?Confused

Original poster
Teqillatey · 07/02/2022 23:32

I completely appreciate that of course women can propose to their male partners and it doesn’t have to be led by the male, but we both have very traditional backgrounds and values, so DP would absolutely want to be the person to initiate any proposal and it’s a special moment id like to have the chance to experience.

OP posts:
BadgerStripes · 07/02/2022 23:32

@AlexaShutUp

Why do you have to wait for him to do it? Rather than giving him a deadline, just ask him?Confused
This
Rainbowpurple · 07/02/2022 23:33

Don't shut up and wait out! Ask him to see if you both are on the same page. You know what you want so make sure he is the one who you can have the life you want with asap. No time to waste.

ThePoint678 · 07/02/2022 23:34

I thi m you should talk to him about it but I think that your 2 year deadline and the expectation that he must confirm to that arbitrary deadline is unreasonable.

LawnFever · 07/02/2022 23:34

Yabu on the basis you don’t need him to propose, if you want to get married just talk to him about it, if he agrees then say fine we’ll set a date.

parietal · 07/02/2022 23:35

so you've discuss marriage & you both want to marry each other? sounds to me like you are nearly engaged.

do you expect a big 'event' proposal with a special location and a ring etc? have you got something booked for valentines day? If that doesn't happen, then yes do set a deadline and move on to planning a wedding.

a proposal really doesn't need to be a big deal. my DH produced a ring (which I'd already seen) when I was busy putting up curtains in our new flat & I didn't even pay attention to him. but we are still married.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/02/2022 23:36

Blaming a traditional background to explain waiting for a man to propose is a cop out.
Jeez, just have a grown up conversation.

rattlemehearties · 07/02/2022 23:36

If you've already talked about getting married why not just set a date for the wedding? Why the need for a "proposal"? It sounds like you've already discussed and decided?

Retisestress · 07/02/2022 23:37

If you really want to get married then you propose to your partner….I am in my 50s and am surprised that women nowadays are still so traditional!

Dixiechickonhols · 07/02/2022 23:40

You need to speak to him. Are you hoping to have a family? Some men are clueless re realities of fertility decline especially if you want more than one child. What he said about friend is a good way to bring it up - you feel friend rushed what sort of timescale do you want. Then see if it’s compatible with you eg if he says 5 years and you are 38 wanting 2 children it’s not realistic.

AlexaShutUp · 07/02/2022 23:40

@Teqillatey

I completely appreciate that of course women can propose to their male partners and it doesn’t have to be led by the male, but we both have very traditional backgrounds and values, so DP would absolutely want to be the person to initiate any proposal and it’s a special moment id like to have the chance to experience.
But if you give him a deadline, then he will hardly be initiating it anyway, will he?

I'm not totally sure what it is that you want to experience but I'm assuming that you have some kind of idealised ritual in mind where he gets down on one knee and pops the question. Fine if that's what you want, but it isn't very romantic if he's doing it to order.

Personally, I don't understand the point of a big proposal if you've already discussed being married. Surely you just need to set a date?

Pinkbonbon · 07/02/2022 23:40

I'd just straight up ask him too marry me. He can always do the official proposal.

But if you don't want to do that then maybe say, 'how do you feel about getting married this year?' And gage his reaction. If he seems all for it then add 'great, I'll leave the proposal up to you then'. Hopefully he'll propose right then.

If he umms and awws then tell him to consider it over the next couple of months as you feel the 2 year mark is enough time to know if you want to spend the future with someone. And that you'll probably want to start moving forwards soonish. So he should give it serious thought and let you know.

AlexaShutUp · 07/02/2022 23:42

Having said all that, if you really want to do it the traditional way, where the man has all the power and the woman sits around waiting hopefully, then no, you can't give him a deadline, you'll just have to wait and see.

I would respectfully suggest, though, that in 2022, there are better ways of doing things.

Bussinbussin · 07/02/2022 23:42

@Teqillatey

I completely appreciate that of course women can propose to their male partners and it doesn’t have to be led by the male, but we both have very traditional backgrounds and values, so DP would absolutely want to be the person to initiate any proposal and it’s a special moment id like to have the chance to experience.
If you were 'very traditional' in our values you wouldn't be living together before marriage!

With all the expectations placed on proposals I really doubt your partner sees it as a special moment to treasure, if he's thinking about it at all he's probably quite terrified.

Talk to him, open communication is absolutely key to a lasting relationship.

Tippexy · 07/02/2022 23:43

It sounds like you’re already engaged Confused

jacks11 · 07/02/2022 23:43

I would have thought the issue with setting ultimatums/deadlines is that he proposes for the wrong reasons?

If you feel very strongly about it why don’t you propose to him, rather than waiting about to be asked? I don’t see why not- if it’s important to you, then take the initiative. If you are holding out for a romantic proposal, are you willing to wait? Because if you have to instruct him to propose, I’m not sure it’ll be terribly romantic or a surprise- so I’d just get on with it if it is something you really want.

Best case, you get engaged to the man you love snd want to spend your life with- so who cares who proposed to who? Worse case- he says no, for whatever reason, and you then have a decision to make about whether you want to wait or cut your losses and move on. Nobody can tell you whether not being married soon outweighs the other positives in your relationship if he’s not keen to marry right now. If no marriage is a deal-breaker for you, that’s entirely your choice.

Crowdfundingforcake · 07/02/2022 23:43

Surely if you give him any kind of ultimatum the spontaneity and 'romance' goes out the window. If your DP wants to be the person who initiates the proposal and you want the opportunity to have a 'traditional' proposal then you're just going to have to wait.Hmm Or you could just have a conversation about getting married and take it from there.

D0lphine · 07/02/2022 23:44

I agree that 18 months of a relationship in your 30s is long enough to know if he wants to marry you.

But if you don't want to do that then maybe say, 'how do you feel about getting married this year?' And gage his reaction. If he seems all for it then add 'great, I'll leave the proposal up to you then'. Hopefully he'll propose right then.

I'd do this tbh.

Say "what about getting married at Xmas next year". If he says it's too soon ask when he was thinking.

Westerman · 07/02/2022 23:44

You make it all sound so regimented. Is having your ideal proposal more important than actually being married?

PlanetNormal · 07/02/2022 23:45

do I have to shut up and wait it out?

It’s the 21st century, OP, not the 1950s. Women don’t have to sit around waiting to be proposed to by a man. Instead of being a passive compliant little woman just have an adult conversation with him and agree to set a date.

SezziBaybee · 07/02/2022 23:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

LaurensILikeYouALot · 07/02/2022 23:47

I don't think you can live together first but then expect a full traditional proposal moment. That's having your cake and eating it. You're already doing things the non 'traditional' way. Which is absolutely fine but I don't think you should pin all your hopes on that 'moment'.

I do think it's a good idea to discuss the timeline, especially relating to having children. If you have wildly different ideas about that then you may need to split up. I don't think framing it as a deadline is helpful though.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/02/2022 23:47

Definitely talk to him.
When DH suggested we lived together I told him I saw moving in as a precursor to engagement and engagement as a short hold before marriage. We were married 18 months after we met.

Clymene · 07/02/2022 23:49

@Pinkbonbon

I'd just straight up ask him too marry me. He can always do the official proposal.

But if you don't want to do that then maybe say, 'how do you feel about getting married this year?' And gage his reaction. If he seems all for it then add 'great, I'll leave the proposal up to you then'. Hopefully he'll propose right then.

If he umms and awws then tell him to consider it over the next couple of months as you feel the 2 year mark is enough time to know if you want to spend the future with someone. And that you'll probably want to start moving forwards soonish. So he should give it serious thought and let you know.

This seems like a good idea if you feel you need him to do the asking, even if you're forcing his hand a bit (and I'd just ask personally). Will he want to ask your dad??