To give DP a deadline for the proposal

[Teqillatey]

DP and I have been together for 18 months, lived together for a year and are both extremely happy. We’ve discussed our future a lot and both agree that marriage is important to us and something we want in our future and DP will often make references to “when we get married” and so on.

We are both in our 30s and both spent years in a bad long term relationship before we met, so I’m now at the stage where I don’t want to waste any more time and would like full commitment and to settle down. I’m of the view that 2 years together should be more than enough time to judge whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody and personally I’m not keen on waiting much longer than that for a proposal. DP’s good friend recently proposed to his partner of 1 year and DP mentioned to me how soon he felt it was, which concerns me that our expectations may not be aligned.

Would it be too pushy and wrong of me to discuss my timescales and expectations in terms of the 2 year rule or do I have to shut up and wait it out?

Not very traditional to pressure him for a proposal, it’s not been long at all

As someone who was in a similar situation, don't wait it out, especially if you are planning kids. My DP and I had similar talks then decided to have children first (my biological clock was ticking, the vast majority of our friends had their DC and then got married after so it seemed a normal thing to do). However, after having children he dragged his feet and eventually said he didn't want to get married after all. It nearly caused is to split up, but there wasn't actually any benefit to that for me as I would have been left in a precarious financial situation but it certainly caused ill-feeling before I felt I had to accept the situation. 10 years further on we are now getting married as with age he has mellowed to the idea and realised that it will be more straightforward if anything happens to either of us.

We have a pretty steady relationship and are happy together now but if I could go back in time I would have done things differently and would probably have left him if I'd known that he wasn't committed to the idea of marriage.

It is difficult to put an exact timescale on these things without it feeling too pressured but, depending on your age I would give yourself a personal deadline and then have a very frank discussion when that time comes. The more time you devote to the relationship, the harder it is to disentangle yourself if you turn out not to be on the same page.

Maybe OP you could just make clear that you wouldn’t want children until traditionally married , if you do plan any. As you live together he probably feels less rush but it might help him understand it matters to you .

One of my friends who was not in the first flush of youth was agonising about whether or not her boyfriend was going to propose. I suggested she ask him about his plans. He said the thought they might get engaged at Christmas. Well Christmas came and went, then St Valentines Day and her birthday. By March she was seriously concerned. I said she needed to talk to him and she couldn't be left dangling like that. I don't know what she did or said but they were engaged very shortly after, have been married for 30 odd years with three kids and seem very happy.

If you're in your thirties I don't think you have time to wait excessively. For what it's worth I have never had a man talk about "when we get married" and that includes my husband. My husband proposed after about a year - he had the idea that you lived together before or instead of marriage and I had the idea that living together period was for determing whether they were good marriage material. As soon as he learnt of this small but important difference he was very keen to seal the deal and get a ring on my finger. I think a year is a fair period to devote to getting married after you're over say 25/26 or so and even more so if you're in your thirties. I don't understand this mumsnet thing about waiting simply years and years for a proposal.

I think the key thing is that they're not too confident that you'll be just there all the time while they muse about a proposal. Do something new with your hair (but don't cut it into a pixie cut unless you look like Halle Berry). Start wearing makeup or more make up or less make up as applicable. Start dresssing a little more nicely when you go out. Take up a hobby on your own and be out and about. I am assuming here he is not a violently jealous maniac. I think he is just a little too sure of you. He should be reminded you are a woman with options. My mother was fond of the saying "Treat him mean, keep him keen" and men simply adored her.

I don't think your feelings are unreasonable. I think giving someone a time limit to propose to you is odd though. Talk with him.

YWBU to put a deadline. It's foolish and arbitrary. 2 years, 1 year, months, 3 months, 3 weeks...

There are people who spend years together before getting married or never getting married, and there are people who get married weeks or months after meeting. It's not about time, it's about quality.

I think you have open and frank conversations with him. You let him know that you'd like to be married before you think about kids. That you'd like to have kids before you're X age... whatever works.

Forcing him to be "ready" by your arbitrary deadline would be foolish and selfish. HIs needs and wants matter too.

I don’t believe in ultimatums because it’s not a decision freely made. You need to have an honest conversation and make a decision from there. Don’t make the mistake of being in love with the idea of being married. You are getting married coz you want to spend your life with that particular person, for better or worse. Be careful you are doing it for the right reasons. It doesn’t work otherwise.

My late Husband didn't actually propose to me, he one day, said, shall we go to Manchester to look at some rings.. I had being going out with him for three and a half years by then But then it was 1966, and women didn't get all needy about such things as needing a proposal at given times.

I think the key thing is that they're not too confident that you'll be just there all the time while they muse about a proposal. Do something new with your hair (but don't cut it into a pixie cut unless you look like Halle Berry). Start wearing makeup or more make up or less make up as applicable. Start dresssing a little more nicely when you go out. Take up a hobby on your own and be out and about. I am assuming here he is not a violently jealous maniac. I think he is just a little too sure of you. He should be reminded you are a woman with options. My mother was fond of the saying "Treat him mean, keep him keen" and men simply adored her.

Oh dear God.

That's so disturbing there's no point saying anything else.

Wanting a performance proposal is not a traditional "value" in any sense - it is an entirely modern phenomenon.

I'd have the conversation in relation to whether or not you want kids, and when.

I had this conversation with my now DH, because I'm a fair bit older than him and I knew he wanted them - he was looking to wait until his mid-30s before becoming a Dad, but that would have been too late for me! So it may be that he's still thinking "some time in the future" and not realising that he's whistling your fertile years down the wind with his "I can have kids at any time" sort of thoughtlessness.

And then from kids you move onto whether or not you should be married before you have them, and that should start to give you your time line.

YABU to give him a deadline to propose. You can’t dictate when another person is ready to marry. It would ruin the romance anyway if he’s on a deadline, surely.

To echo PPs, you can’t chose what you’re traditional with. It’s not about meeting other peoples ideas of traditional, it’s just quite hypocritical to move in with someone you’ve known months and then be too traditional to have an open line of communication regarding marriage.

@Rangoon

One of my friends who was not in the first flush of youth was agonising about whether or not her boyfriend was going to propose. I suggested she ask him about his plans. He said the thought they might get engaged at Christmas. Well Christmas came and went, then St Valentines Day and her birthday. By March she was seriously concerned. I said she needed to talk to him and she couldn't be left dangling like that. I don't know what she did or said but they were engaged very shortly after, have been married for 30 odd years with three kids and seem very happy.

If you're in your thirties I don't think you have time to wait excessively. For what it's worth I have never had a man talk about "when we get married" and that includes my husband. My husband proposed after about a year - he had the idea that you lived together before or instead of marriage and I had the idea that living together period was for determing whether they were good marriage material. As soon as he learnt of this small but important difference he was very keen to seal the deal and get a ring on my finger. I think a year is a fair period to devote to getting married after you're over say 25/26 or so and even more so if you're in your thirties. I don't understand this mumsnet thing about waiting simply years and years for a proposal.

I think the key thing is that they're not too confident that you'll be just there all the time while they muse about a proposal. Do something new with your hair (but don't cut it into a pixie cut unless you look like Halle Berry). Start wearing makeup or more make up or less make up as applicable. Start dresssing a little more nicely when you go out. Take up a hobby on your own and be out and about. I am assuming here he is not a violently jealous maniac. I think he is just a little too sure of you. He should be reminded you are a woman with options. My mother was fond of the saying "Treat him mean, keep him keen" and men simply adored her.

This last paragraph is frankly ridiculous. He knows she is there? She’s only known him 18 months for Christ sake.

I think ultimatums make it difficult to know if the person really would have chosen to marry you or is just feeling the pressure. But I do think you should have several honest conversations about whether each of you wants to marry the other, what marriage means to you, etc. On the other hand, I wouldn't just leave it too long if you really do want to be married and have a baby soon. There are so many threads on this board of women who had children with a man who said he would eventually marry her ,and then he never did, or he went off with some other woman. I think when a man is serious about a woman then it doesn't actually take 5 years to want to get married. A couple years, fine. You have to respect his freedom to not get married but equally he should respect that you don't want to lose your chance to conceive when, for all you know, he feels some subconscious mismatch with you that means he'll never be quite ready to marry you. If you talk seriously and he seems ambivalent, you have every right to walk away and try to find someone who is willing to commit. Until you're married, you're not obligated to stay with him.

My ex strung me along for years saying that he ‘wasn’t ready’ or ‘too young’.

When I met my current partner, as soon as he told me he wanted something serious (couple of weeks in) I told him I expected to be engaged in 2 years.

The 2 year mark came and went. He acknowledged that he remembered our conversation but he would be the one to ask.

Another 6m went by. In December (a few months ago) my parents suddenly announced that the would come and visit for a month. I come from a culture where you only introduce partners to your parents if your intention is to marry. I told my DP he could meet them, but we’d have to get married, or he could sneak off for a bit till they left. He thought about it for a split second and said - sure, let’s get married. While my parents were here we fixed a date and a found a venue. Now we’re getting married in August this year.

I couldn’t believe how incredibly low fuss and no nonsense the whole thing was compared to my first relationship. If anything, his immediate willingness to do what was important to me was more romantic that being strung along for months waiting for a ‘surprise’.

I’d wait it out. He’s right, it’s too soon.

Obviously neither of you are not that traditional or you wouldn’t be living in sin😂😂
Don’t set a deadline if your not prepared to walk away when you pass the deadline

I met my DH and was married within 3 months and celebrate 23 years this summer
In my experience of watching my friends If men want to marry they do and they don’t fuck about with “the right time
“

There doesn't have to be a proposal from either party. You have a conversation about booking the ceremony.

If you cant talk honestly then you shouldn't get married. So he's right not to propose because your relationship obviously hasn't got to that point.

You may not want to hear "talk to him" but that's what you need to do.

2 years is long enough at your age and he should know whether he wants to marry or not.

Have a conversation seriously. Don't wait around forever, of this is important for you.

You can have a deadline in your head, but if you tell him that and he doesn't propose, you're then put in a very difficult position- especially if you then don't walk.

I think two years is quite soon to propose. What's the rush?

@Rainbowpurple

Don't shut up and wait out! Ask him to see if you both are on the same page. You know what you want so make sure he is the one who you can have the life you want with asap. No time to waste.

This

I met my husband after a break up from a Peter Pan type. I was very upfront with my expectations and what I wanted. I explained how I wasn’t going to move in with him unless engaged/moving forward (had done that previously to no avail) and had a number of discussions to make sure we were on same page.
Thankfully we were and we were engaged and married within 2 years.
I was mid-thirties and didn’t want to be dicked about again.

If those are your expectations you need to be VERY upfront about them. Otherwise you will be waiting waiting and potentially ultimately VERY disappointed, but also too invested to call it a day.

I think these threads are odd.

You want him to propose, traditionally. He wants that too, so you say. You want the declaration of love, the moment where he says he wants to spend his life with you are the one. You want it to be led by him.

But then it's not led by him because you are giving him a deadline. You kugyt be able to tell everyone else 'oh we had talked about but I had no idea it was coming' but deep down you know you gave him an ultimatum. His choice sas split or propose. It wasn't really choice. You will be left wondering if he did it because he wanted to do it and do it then or because he didn't want to split. Or even just because he likes his life how it is and thought it would easier this way.

Not very romantic. It's so odd how many couples are only traditional when it comes to proposing and weddings. It's gor nothing to do with wanting the movie like romantic scene. Or the social media perfect wedding. Or the story you can spin where the woman is picked and swept off her feet Nope, just happen to be traditional when it comes to only weddings.

In every other way their lives are expected to be not 'traditional'.

As for the poster who says it's part of 'becoming a man', never heard anything so ridiculous .