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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give DP a deadline for the proposal

380 replies

Teqillatey · 07/02/2022 23:25

DP and I have been together for 18 months, lived together for a year and are both extremely happy. We’ve discussed our future a lot and both agree that marriage is important to us and something we want in our future and DP will often make references to “when we get married” and so on.

We are both in our 30s and both spent years in a bad long term relationship before we met, so I’m now at the stage where I don’t want to waste any more time and would like full commitment and to settle down. I’m of the view that 2 years together should be more than enough time to judge whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody and personally I’m not keen on waiting much longer than that for a proposal. DP’s good friend recently proposed to his partner of 1 year and DP mentioned to me how soon he felt it was, which concerns me that our expectations may not be aligned.

Would it be too pushy and wrong of me to discuss my timescales and expectations in terms of the 2 year rule or do I have to shut up and wait it out?

OP posts:
Fallulah · 08/02/2022 07:07

Two years isn’t long to know about the rest of your life in my eyes but maybe I’m more like your OH.

I had a colleague years ago who broke up with her partner because he hadn’t proposed. They were back together and he proposed within weeks, but I couldn’t live always wondering if he would have done so without the metaphorical gun to his head.

He talks about ‘when we are married’ so next time he says that just ask him when he sees that being and get on and plan the wedding. You already live together - you don’t need the big proposal really do you? (If he says he doesn’t really know when he sees you being married then you have a different decision to make about whether living together but not being married is enough for you.)

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 08/02/2022 07:07

Setting a deadline is a risky business - are you prepared to walk away if he doesn't meet it? And if he does propose before the deadline you will never know if he is doing it because he genuinely wants to marry you or because he doesn't want an argument. How romantic and special will a proposal forced out of him feel?

My DH proposed when we had been dating 2 months and we were married within 18 months. It wasn't a performance proposal. It was a spontaneous outburst of feeling when we were snuggled up in bed one night. We have been married over 30 years now and while it hasn't all been hearts and flowers I have never had any reason to doubt that he was 100% into marrying me. If you issue a deadline you will never have that certainty.

The very fact that you are considering setting a deadline indicates you have misgivings about his intentions. Listen to your gut here. He clearly isn't as into the idea of marriage as you are. Is that a deal breaker for you or not?

2DogsOnMySofa · 08/02/2022 07:09

Does your deadline = and ultimatum? If he doesn't propose by x date what will you do, leave the relationship?

On reading your post it all sounds very transactual and actually a bit controlling. Nothing ruins relationships more than one party controlling the narrative of the relationship.

But if it's that much of a deal breaker then maybe you do need to let him know so he can decide if he wants to be in a relationship with someone like this.

VikingOnTheFridge · 08/02/2022 07:09

@Teqillatey

Appreciate your comments. I really didn’t want this post to turn in to a thread about how women shouldn’t wait for the man to propose! I’m well aware it’s perfectly acceptable either way but it’s just not something I’m looking to do personally. Whether I meet your idea of “traditional” due to the fact I already live with my partner is besides the point.
It really isn't.

The fact that you're already cohabiting before marriage indicates that you aren't in fact old fashioned or traditional. At all. You're cherry picking the bits you want. Which is fine btw, it's 2022! But with that in mind, as we've established that actually you are not traditional, you don't mind being very modern if it gets you something you want (like cohabitation) why not apply that same principle here? Behave like the adult in a serious relationship that you are, and take the initiative to have a proper discussion about your future and what you want. Living together and passively waiting is the worst of both worlds, in your situation.

Because if there's one thing traditional women didn't used to do, it's live with a man and allow him all the benefits of cohabitation (companionship, sex, income etc) with no legal commitment in return. It would be fine if this was how you wanted your life to look in the long term, nothing wrong with living together unmarried. But it isn't. So make sure you don't sleepwalk into it.

2catsandhappy · 08/02/2022 07:10

It is a conundrum isn't op? Expectations versus romance.
How did you get to live together? What is he like with deciding big or joint things? Car, say, or sofa or holiday? Does he research the customer reviews or point and say, 'I like that one.' Does he surprise you with a bouquet or only do gifts on traditional days?
You know him best. How would he approach a ring choosing and giving?

londonrach · 08/02/2022 07:14

I was lucky that she sleep well on her routine. I've friends who done nothing different to me who children still don't sleep through. I think some children sleep through some dont

Rainbowqueeen · 08/02/2022 07:14

Love @SportsMother suggestion

Other than that I would give myself a deadline if you insist on waiting for him to propose. And if he didn’t meet it I’d be off. Don’t let any man waste your time.

Horological · 08/02/2022 07:14

As somebody upthread has already said, big white weddings, down on one knee proposals and diamond engagement rings are not traditional at all. Look at photos of your grandparents' generation. This stuff has been invented in recent decades and is all about consumption and photographs. Since facebook and instagram it has exploded.

I am in my 60s. I did not get engaged and neither did anybody I know. At all. The best sign of a relationship that is strong and 'meant to be' is that a couple are on the same page about major decisions and are able to discuss them without feeling resentful or coerced.

In my friendship group not one had a proposal or even engagement ring and they are all happily together 30 or so years later.

Op what you are looking for is in no way romantic, or even loving.

londonrach · 08/02/2022 07:14

Whoops sorry wrong post!

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/02/2022 07:15

Stop hiding behind being traditional when you live together before marriage.

hensintheskirting · 08/02/2022 07:15

I love these threads when the OP says "AIBU" and everyone says "yes, you are a bit" and then the OP says "but but but - you guys don't understand!!" Confused

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 08/02/2022 07:16

If you’re going to issue a deadline, then you might as well just propose yourself.

It amounts to the same thing.

If you’re not really traditional, then you’re traditional. You wait for the proposal.

If you want the surprise, down-on-one-knee proposal, then you wait for him to initiate it.

VikingOnTheFridge · 08/02/2022 07:19

@RussiasGreatestLoveMachine

If you’re going to issue a deadline, then you might as well just propose yourself.

It amounts to the same thing.

If you’re not really traditional, then you’re traditional. You wait for the proposal.

If you want the surprise, down-on-one-knee proposal, then you wait for him to initiate it.

Exactly.
Prescottdanni123 · 08/02/2022 07:20

So what happens after two years if he hasn't proposed? Are you going to walk away rather than be the one to propose?

I think the two year timeline is a bit unreasonable. It makes it sound more like a business transaction.

WaterBottle123 · 08/02/2022 07:21

You don't have traditional values though, you already live together!

You're not a Disney princess, if you want to get married book a wedding instead of waiting on a man's whims. What a strange thing to do in 2022!!

Coffeepot72 · 08/02/2022 07:22

OP, you are being entirely reasonable

CRbear · 08/02/2022 07:23

I think this thread is a classic case of people being able to represent themselves differently online. Bullshit have 90% of couples either got engaged where the woman proposed to the man or they just “decided to get married”.

I’m in a similar boat to you OP but I was open with my partner from the start about my thoughts re marriage and said, once I’d decided he was the one for me, if he moved in I expected to get married pretty quickly afterwards. I also said I wanted to get married this year. I’m currently “waiting for the proposal” too - I believe we’ve “had a grown up conversation” AND can have a special moment. I am willing to bet many women know it’s coming anyway whether they’ve discussed it or not so hardly a bolt out of the blue surprise then anyway.

My partner wants to propose. I want to be proposed to. I don’t care whether that means “we’re engaged to all intents and purposes”. I get you and I think many posters are being disingenuous if they say they don’t.

SoupDragon · 08/02/2022 07:24

@Teqillatey

Appreciate your comments. I really didn’t want this post to turn in to a thread about how women shouldn’t wait for the man to propose! I’m well aware it’s perfectly acceptable either way but it’s just not something I’m looking to do personally. Whether I meet your idea of “traditional” due to the fact I already live with my partner is besides the point.
Well, if you aren't prepared to propose then yes, you do have to "shut up and wait it out".

Have you even discussed marriage with him?

Itloggedmeoutagain · 08/02/2022 07:24

And they say romance is dead! A deadline for a proposal

PearPickingPorky · 08/02/2022 07:26

@Teqillatey

Appreciate your comments. I really didn’t want this post to turn in to a thread about how women shouldn’t wait for the man to propose! I’m well aware it’s perfectly acceptable either way but it’s just not something I’m looking to do personally. Whether I meet your idea of “traditional” due to the fact I already live with my partner is besides the point.
Social Media has a lot to answer for.
MsChatterbox · 08/02/2022 07:26

I think you can definitely have a conversation with him. Say you know the other day you felt a year would be too soon, what would you think is normal? If he says 5 years you can say you wouldn't want to wait that long.

Luredbyapomegranate · 08/02/2022 07:29

No of course it’s not too pushy. You need to know where you stand. Just explain that you love him and want X,Y,X - how does he feel about it… be curious rather than put him on the spot.. and then move to timescales and give him a bit of time to think.

It may be that he agrees in principle to getting married, but sticks on pushing forward, so you’ll have to do that, eg - do you want to get married in August or September? 20 guests or 50? Here’s the guest list, anyone you want to add?

It’s a cliche but a lot of men just aren’t bothered about getting married and resist final commitment. It doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t love you or want to be with you, so if you think he does, trust your gut on that.

Don’t expect the big proposal moment. Some guys never do that, and now you are living together as partners it’s going to be more something you both move to.

DrSbaitso · 08/02/2022 07:29

I am in my 60s. I did not get engaged and neither did anybody I know.

Surely you did, if you got married. There might not have been a down-on-one-knee proposal but there must have been a conversation in which you both agreed to marry and then a period during which you were planning your wedding?

GroggyLegs · 08/02/2022 07:30

I dunno, I know two women who 'gave a deadline'.

One.woman.did it on their first date & it worked very well, FWIW she's a strong character & her now DH very much always does as he's told.

One... Well it worked, but her now fiancee waited until literally the last day of the deadline & she ended up feeling like shit about it.

You're in your 30s, maybe you want children and maybe you want the protection of marriage before the kids arrive... It's not unreasonable to have a grown conversation about this & tell him how you feel.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 08/02/2022 07:32

If you're want to get married before you have kids, as you are getting older, it would be foolish to wait for a proposal.

If it's obvious that you're meant to be married to each other and he forces you to wait for the Eiffel tower and a ring that is almost like the one you would have chosen, but will forever irk you, then it would be foolish to wait for a proposal.

You are not a "traditional" couple. You are staid.

You're a grown woman, not a dog waiting for a treat. Sort it out.