To give DP a deadline for the proposal

[Teqillatey]

DP and I have been together for 18 months, lived together for a year and are both extremely happy. We’ve discussed our future a lot and both agree that marriage is important to us and something we want in our future and DP will often make references to “when we get married” and so on.

We are both in our 30s and both spent years in a bad long term relationship before we met, so I’m now at the stage where I don’t want to waste any more time and would like full commitment and to settle down. I’m of the view that 2 years together should be more than enough time to judge whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody and personally I’m not keen on waiting much longer than that for a proposal. DP’s good friend recently proposed to his partner of 1 year and DP mentioned to me how soon he felt it was, which concerns me that our expectations may not be aligned.

Would it be too pushy and wrong of me to discuss my timescales and expectations in terms of the 2 year rule or do I have to shut up and wait it out?

On "traditional" - one of my life rules was to run very fast from any man who described themselves as traditional (and distance myself from any woman who did the same). What they mean is that they have rigid gender-based views on what men and women can/should do, they treat men and women as homogeneous groups rather than individuals, and I want no part of those in my life.

I also think, when a man says he's traditional, how can any woman not realise that if they get married, his traditional views will 100% backfire on her?

Ffs. Just because you would prefer your DP to propose to you, it hardly means you aspire to live your life as if you were in another ‘traditional’ era!

It’s fine to be living with a man but to want him to propose to you, rather than the other way round It’s fine to want whatever you want!

I bet if there was a national survey right now, 99% of married men would have proposed to their wives in some way - even if they just asked her at home on the sofa or something. People are so weird on here sometimes and make such a drama out of nothing.

@anonno1

Ffs. Just because you would prefer your DP to propose to you, it hardly means you aspire to live your life as if you were in another ‘traditional’ era!

It’s fine to be living with a man but to want him to propose to you, rather than the other way round It’s fine to want whatever you want!

I bet if there was a national survey right now, 99% of married men would have proposed to their wives in some way - even if they just asked her at home on the sofa or something. People are so weird on here sometimes and make such a drama out of nothing.

The OP is the one who describes them as traditional.

Yes but she just means ‘traditional’ in the sense she doesn’t want to propose to him!

She’s hardly trying to re-enact the Victorian era in every aspect of her life. She just wants to feel that he cares enough to make an effort.

I'm just saying that in my experience, people who describe themselves as "traditional" over something relatively meaningless will probably also hold a few more "traditional" views as well when it comes to men, women, gender roles, sexuality and so on. Distancing myself from all that has worked for me so far.

Also, your partner's everyday behaviour towards you in a relationship should give you a pretty good idea of how much he cares, far more than a random bells-and-whistles proposal (or lack thereof). If you have any doubt about how much he cares you probably shouldn't be marrying him anyway.

@anonno1

Yes but she just means ‘traditional’ in the sense she doesn’t want to propose to him!

She’s hardly trying to re-enact the Victorian era in every aspect of her life. She just wants to feel that he cares enough to make an effort.

Well this is actually the point lots of us were making. That if you clearly aren't traditional given that you already live together, it wouldn't make any sense to sit passively waiting for a proposal when actually you'd rather be making plans for the future now, because you've decided you're old school just in this one specific area.

Again, where has she said she wants a ‘bells and whistles’ proposal?? She just wants him to ask her!

Many things are ‘traditional’, but that’s because people enjoy it! There is so much crap in life - why not celebrate special moments? Not everything in life needs to be humdrum. Where is the fun and fun and romance in that? What is the harm in having a man tell you he loves you and wants to spend them rest of his life with you and giving you a ring you will keep forever? Why shouldn’t she expect that? It’s exciting and memorable and far preferable (in my view) than just some humdrum ‘conversation’ you’ll probably not recall in years to come.

@anonno1

Yes but she just means ‘traditional’ in the sense she doesn’t want to propose to him!

She’s hardly trying to re-enact the Victorian era in every aspect of her life. She just wants to feel that he cares enough to make an effort.

I agree with this, it’s still nice to have some romance in life and to expect your dp to put some thought into a proposal. This shows some effort at least! For 90% of women there needs to a conversation about wanting a proposal at some point. I agree there needs to be that discussion to make sure you’re both on the same page. However, the proposal itself should be the way you want it. Why not? Why does it have to be the woman proposing or just a conversation in front of the tv with zero thought from your dp. We see on these threads plenty of men who don’t ever actually propose despite conversations etc so it is important for that effort to be made to have some comfort he has made a conscious choice. How hard is it to pick a ring and a nice location, if it’s that hard expect no romance in your life !

@anonno1

Again, where has she said she wants a ‘bells and whistles’ proposal?? She just wants him to ask her!

Many things are ‘traditional’, but that’s because people enjoy it! There is so much crap in life - why not celebrate special moments? Not everything in life needs to be humdrum. Where is the fun and fun and romance in that? What is the harm in having a man tell you he loves you and wants to spend them rest of his life with you and giving you a ring you will keep forever? Why shouldn’t she expect that? It’s exciting and memorable and far preferable (in my view) than just some humdrum ‘conversation’ you’ll probably not recall in years to come.

Surely if a man loves a woman and wants to spend the rest of his life with her he will tell her that without being asked. Also he would propose without an ultimatum.

For myself and DH it was a discussion about whether we should get married. We jointly decided that yes we wanted to (we had 2 of the eventual 3 DC at this point) and he bought me a ring (I chose the diamond because I'm a control freak and wanted the most for our money) and that was that. We got married one year after DD3 was born. Point is, why does it need to be a big romantic gesture? It's a big decision, you should make it together.

Nothing is more romantic than a forced proposal to comply with an arbitrary deadline. It’s the stuff every girl dreams of.

Will people stop saying it's forced? It's not. He's free to choose not to do it. What, OP is supposed to waste her life on him when they don't want the same things?

Sounds a bit controlling op.I want this by xyz or that's it?

You should absolutely discuss your timelines and expectations. That's the basis of good communication.

I don't think you need to propose to him. But clearly stating that you would like to be married, to him specifically, and asking if he feels the same/ sees the same vision of the future, is a good place to start. Maybe don't say "you will propose by August, or I'm breaking up with you and the lease", but definitely set an internal timer. If he hesitates, or quibbles on it being 'too soon' when you say you'd like to be married, ask him why. You're in your 30s, you've lived together a full year, unless he can come up with a really, really good reason, he's stalling and you should dump him and move on. And any reason he gives better have a clear expiration date so you don't wind up waiting around forever ("I want to finish my certification training" is a viable reason to wait and offers a clear timeline. "I'm not ready" "I want to be more financially stable" "Maybe when x happens" etc. are not, and you should move on)

However, I'm thinking you shot yourself in the foot on your chances of marrying this one. You moved in at 6 months. He was serious and excited to make a commitment then. But now...he's got all the plusses of being married (live in partner, steady relationship, ready sex, financial stability, etc.), with none of the minuses (like having to get a divorce and lose half his stuff to break up with you, and he got to skip shelling out tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding)

If he wanted to be married to you, he would have asked already. It'd take quite a shove over the hill to get him to propose now. If you don't stick to your 'timeline', I can easily see you waiting 7-10+ years, possibly even after a child or three, and then only getting a reluctant and halfassed proposal and wedding as an "at last" since by then he knows he has to, or you'll leave and upset his comfy situation.

So, have a talk, listen seriously to what he says and believe him, and then cut your losses if he can't give you what you want: someone who is beyond excited and eager to be your husband and spend his life with you.

Do you both want children? This board is full of women who didn't marry, had children and then are scuppered.

I would frame your timeline around that as for me that would be the deal breaker. If he doesn't want children and a traditional set up in that regard ( one that provides you and future children with legal and financial security while you expose yourself to the vulnerabilities of pregnancy, career breaks, bulk of child rearing - data driven, not anecdata ), then you have your answer.

You could have a conversation around when you want to ttc anf say yout expectations. That will also help the timeline in your head of when you need to cut your losses.

You are living with him. He already has all the benefits of having a wife with none of the disadvantages. Why on earth would he propose?

@Briony123

You are living with him. He already has all the benefits of having a wife with none of the disadvantages. Why on earth would he propose?

Plenty of men propose to women they’re already living with - it usually boils down to loving them, wanting to spend the rest of their life with them and to make a commitment to them.

There is nothing wrong with living together first - this is 2022 after all, and it’s highly unusual to get married without having cohabited.

The issue is whether this man wants to marry this woman….

It's not a business transaction

Why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free?

@3Daddy31982

Why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free?

I really wonder whether the people trotting this tiresome little dollop of misogyny out have really thought about what they’re saying?

@Rossnagoose agree. It does my head in.

Yes you should know by 2 years but it's personal preference whether you bother with paperwork. Personally I haven't.

Going against the grain here, but I think that's quite soon. You're still 'in love' and in the romantic phase. Obviously, living together removes some of the rose tint and gives you a good insight into what life together might be like long term, but I'd have the chat but give it a while longer.

@3Daddy31982

Why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free?

Thank God you're here, Big Daddy. It's only 375 posts in, we still need another 19 people to trot this one out. Do you think you could ask around your wide and varied social circle?