To give DP a deadline for the proposal

[Teqillatey]

DP and I have been together for 18 months, lived together for a year and are both extremely happy. We’ve discussed our future a lot and both agree that marriage is important to us and something we want in our future and DP will often make references to “when we get married” and so on.

We are both in our 30s and both spent years in a bad long term relationship before we met, so I’m now at the stage where I don’t want to waste any more time and would like full commitment and to settle down. I’m of the view that 2 years together should be more than enough time to judge whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody and personally I’m not keen on waiting much longer than that for a proposal. DP’s good friend recently proposed to his partner of 1 year and DP mentioned to me how soon he felt it was, which concerns me that our expectations may not be aligned.

Would it be too pushy and wrong of me to discuss my timescales and expectations in terms of the 2 year rule or do I have to shut up and wait it out?

OP of course people are going to suggest you propose if it's so important to get engaged in such a timely manner! Traditional values... more like perpetuating patriarchal bollocks. Why are you waiting on him? Either have a serious discussion with him about getting married and make a proper decision together, or just propose to him and then he says yes or no. Ultimatums are silly and then you won't even know if the proposal is serious or if he just did it to placate you for the time being.

Sadly every woman I know who hassled and pressured for marriage is now divorced.
The man in each situation felt coerced and guilt tripped into it, and ''Hoped it would work out''.

The women mainly wanted ''The Big day''

Yet the couples who aren't married are still together.

we both have very traditional backgrounds and values, so DP would absolutely want to be the person to initiate any proposal and it’s a special moment id like to have the chance to experience. Everyone always bangs on about being traditional when they're waiting for a proposal but they're always living together/having sex etc. Just talk to him about it!

Marriage is nothing to do with "experiencing a special moment" of a proposal.

If you want children I'd have the conversation sooner rather than later. But not as a ultimatum as that would make me run for the hills and it's not a good way to conduct a relationship. A frank conversation is what's needed.

No it’s not about a performance proposal. It’s about wanting to be chosen. Wanting your partner to say ‘I pick you’. I wanted to be picked not do the picking. But unfortunately it turns out that by giving him a deadline he wasn’t picking me after all, he was being pushed by me, and that’s an unattractive power dynamic. If he doesn’t propose of his own accord he’s either a. Not into you, b. Indecisive and weak, or c. Not confident enough to go after what he wants. In all cases he’s not a good choice for marriage.

Not heard of the two year rule. I dont think 18 months together is very long these days. But sounds like he isnt keen totake the step.

So OP what are you going to do if he doesn't propose by your deadline? Walk away? Because that's what you have to be prepared for.

These threads always turn into this "why don't you propose"

As someone who has actually been there done that and got the t-shirt...
Yanbu

My DH wanted to propose to me
I wanted him to propose to me and I also wanted some volition over my future. They aren't mutually exclusive desires!

We had a conversation at the 18 month mark along the lines of...
I loved him / he loved me. I'm 35 and timing is a factor/consideration. We like living together and want to buy a house. Once we do that, my expectation is we get engaged shortly afterwards (within about 6 months). And then marry with the next 12ish months. What did he think?

He was aligned with the vision but was clear he wanted things done "in order" and for him to do it "his way" which meant house first then "surprise" proposal then wedding then baby.

We bought the house in the summer of 18. We agreed a budget for the ring and went ring shopping together and I selected the style I loved liked in autumn time. I knew he would propose by march latest. He proposed over Christmas it was a surprise as I thought he'd do it when we went on holiday in Jan! and we married the following August.
We have been married 18 months and I'm now 36 weeks pregnant.

I believe in being captain of your own destiny and am super happy with the choices I made. At the time I had a lot of people telling me not to be "too pushy" or I'd scare him off but why wouldn't I ask for what I want????
And why wouldn't I want to "scare" him earlier rather than later??? if he was "scared" wasn't it better to know at 35 vs wasting my time and starting over at 37/38/39

Before we bought the house we had a lot of the big conversations about life and the future. How many kids? What if we couldn't have them? How did we see our careers progressing? When did we want to retire? Would we want to go for a bigger mortgage and the dream house/life or would we prioritise comfort and financial flex of lower mortgage/smaller house?
It meant we went into all of it confident, and knowing with certainty that we were on the same page and shared the same life goals /vision for the future.

Absolutely have this conversation with him. I’d personally give him a deadline like you suggest as well. This is something you want, it’s important to you, you need to know if he’s going to string you along for years. Too many women on here posting about how three kids and 15 years later she’s still waiting for a proposal.

Any FWIW engagements and proposals were not important to me at all - but I recognise it is to others. And to the OP in this instance.

Don't waste time waiting for him to propose. Discuss it now and get it sorted. Two years is long enough. If you leave it it will just go on forever. He needs to know he could lose you if not and that you will not wait forever. So many posts on here of people waiting years for a proposal which is not forthcoming.

Have the deadline in your head if you want to give him the chance to do it, and then just propose to him if he doesn't. I proposed to my husband, I did it whilst we were away on a romantic weekend I booked, we'd been together 9 years (but we were only 29/30). It was a perfect proposal, alone on a balcony garden on the Palentine hill, overlooking the Colloseum, he said yes, went back to the hotel where I'd booked a 90min private spa and prosecco and then afterwards a tasting menu and paired wines at a fantastic restaurant. We were both giddy it was great, I'm so glad I didn't do what my Mum was suggesting of heavily hinting, she even threatened to shove an engagement ring brochure in his birthday card!

What's the point of a proposal by him if you have to ultimatum or cajole him into doing it. That was 10 years ago, we've been married for 9.

Honestly OP I know you'd prefer he did it but don't shove a deadline on it, it'll take away the shine and I think that's what you want.

If you are in your 30s and contemplating spending the rest of your lives together, then you need to start having some conversations about what that might look like. Do you see children in your future? If so, how many? What is a realistic timeline for having those kids? What about housing? Are you where you want to be long term? Marriage is a natural part of this future planning conversation. I personally would want to be married before ttc, so that would be something I would let my partner know during these conversations.

So no, I wouldn’t set a deadline. I would make sure you have open and likely ongoing and ever evolving discussions about your future.

All the keyboard warriors saying propose to him, it's 2022 etc really live in a different reality to the one i see/ have.

Most men see it as their role to do as part of courtship. My ex DH took it seriously (were married 18 years), my current boyf takes it seriously. Indeed, when his younger friend proposed i heard him on the phone all excited about how it went etc. Men can be romantic too and see it as an important ritual in becoming a man..

I'd set your parametres in a conversation and see what happens. And i do like your attitude of 2yrs. I was married within that time frame and remember it well.

I see where you're coming from, OP, but I don't think i deadline will help. Both DH and I were in our 30s when we got together and I knew he was the one I wanted to marry very quickly into the relationship. He said he felt the same about our future but didn't see the rush to actually do it - I think because he'd never even lived with anyone before let alone proposed.

I hoped he'd propose within 3 years - by that point, we would have been living together for half of our relationship – long enough in my opinion to get on the same page. I didn't articulate this to him because I felt if he was pressured to do it and then it wouldn't feel authentic.

As it was, he proposed after 2 years and 11 months. It felt natural and we've been married for 8 years now. With hindsight, I'm glad we waited. We're still going strong whereas several of our friends who married quickly are now divorced. I realise now it's not in my DH's nature to rush into anything but when he makes his mind up he goes for it wholeheartedly.

How traditional is it to give someone a deadline to propose?

@Teqillatey

I completely appreciate that of course women can propose to their male partners and it doesn’t have to be led by the male, but we both have very traditional backgrounds and values, so DP would absolutely want to be the person to initiate any proposal and it’s a special moment id like to have the chance to experience.

You realise these traditional backgrounds and values don't bode well for the future, unless you're happy to carry all of the mental and physical load at home with children and housework, plus probably a full time job too? Because traditionally, the men do none of the work with children and housework but unless he earns enough for you to be a sahp, you'll need to work too on top of that.

Just discuss it like the grown up, mature people you are. Because giving deadlines isn't mature or grown up and maybe you aren't ready for marriage.

Definitely before 2 years (at your ages) a guy knows whether he sees you as his wife or not. Completely agree with you on that @Teqillatey . You're being sensible since being in your 30s, you don't have time to waste.

I don't understand why there's always a deluge of posters saying a woman should propose . It's very rare for a woman to propose in real life, and for good reason. As a woman planning marriage and kids, you need a guy who is enthusiastic about spending his life with you and creating a family. Any guy who's enthusiastic about these things with that particular woman, WILL propose. If a guy doesn't propose and strings a woman along it's a really useful sign of how he sees the relationship and you need to get rid pronto.

Have the talk with him OP and simply say to him that due to how important marriage and kids are for you, you'd like to be engaged after about 2 years of a relationship since that's enough time for you to know. Then ask him what his own honest perspective is. I don't know why some posters are making out you want to force him to propose within a certain timeframe. That wouldn't be what any normal woman would want at all (even if it were possible). Youre simply stating what you want and sussing out what his own thoughts are.

Despite what some posters on here seem to think, your needs and desires as a woman are in no way less important than his. In fact on this issue, they're more important than his because you have a very limited time of fertility compared to him so you need to make important life changing decisions at this point which he doesn't have to. It's his choice if he wants 10 years (for example) before he proposes but that doesn't mean he can expect you to stay with him. You're absolutely doing the right thing, don't be put off by other posters on this thread.

Ultimatums are not very romantic.

Why would you try and force a proposal? If anyone tried to give me a deadline, I’d be out the door. This is something you should both not only want but be ready for, not because someone you know has just proposed to their partner. Maybe DP is not quite there yet, or maybe he’s not clued in on how important this is to you. You need to sit down and have a conversation about where your relationship is headed, and maybe work out timelines as it sounds like you are overthinking things. You could just go ahead and propose to him, but you need to accept that right now he might not on the same page as you.

There is a vast difference between discussing each of your expectations and coming to an accomodation, and giving him a deadline. If you are prepared for some give and take in the process, by all means, discuss it. If you are not, then it isn't a "discussion" at all, it is a statement of intent, and you'd better be prepared to back up what you say if he doesn't agree, and to live with some resentment if he does. Forever, when the two of you argue, that "threat" will be hanging there, even if neither of you mentions it.

I understand what you mean and when I got to 5 years I set him a deadline at 6! I come from an extremely traditional family and wanted to respect that.

We have been happily married for 7 years now and he is so glad he did it, I on the other hand wish we hadn't bothered (except for the legal part) as it made me realise my relationship was just as special whether I was married or not. But the first 6 months were hard for us both. Every time we had an argument he would say he regretted getting married.

If I had my time again, I wouldn't set a deadline, I wouldn't have waited for a proposal and I would have planned with him when to get married, as equal partners, when the time is right.

It's not about giving a deadline though is it. It's about having an adult conversation about where you see your future going. I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP. It's perfectly reasonable to talk about these things before hand and the idea that neither of you should ever talk about wanting to get married before an out of the blue proposal, or her proposing to him is rather silly.

In my case we had a number of chats about marriage and kids as we went through the relationship. By about 15 months we had agreed that it was something we both wanted to do together if things continued to go well. A few months later we talked about timelines to ttc (I'm also in my 30s) and agreed that we wanted to try by a certain date, that we wanted to be married first, and that weddings take about 9months-a year to plan. That gave a rough timeline. He proposed a little after two years together. We are getting married in the summer.

It was lovely to have a proposal (even though we had already agreed we would like to get married) and it was different to our earlier discussions as I guess it was more about telling everyone else how we felt and making a public commitment rather than a private one. Or maybe the difference between "we would like, one day, to get married" and "we are getting married"

Chat to your partner OP. Ask him how he sees his future and be honest about the time pressures of TTC. If he reacts badly he's not the one for you and at least you know now rather than being strung along for years.

I actually do agree with him though that I think a year is quite quick to get engaged!

@sofato5miles

All the keyboard warriors saying propose to him, it's 2022 etc really live in a different reality to the one i see/ have.

Most men see it as their role to do as part of courtship. My ex DH took it seriously (were married 18 years), my current boyf takes it seriously. Indeed, when his younger friend proposed i heard him on the phone all excited about how it went etc. Men can be romantic too and see it as an important ritual in becoming a man..

I'd set your parametres in a conversation and see what happens. And i do like your attitude of 2yrs. I was married within that time frame and remember it well.

Well I don't choose to surround myself with idiots who still believe in outdated notions such as men's and women's roles, and I find the idea that a man becomes a man by proposing ridiculous. It's a bit 1950s. Doesn't make me a keyboard warrior for living in the here and now.

@Teqillatey

I completely appreciate that of course women can propose to their male partners and it doesn’t have to be led by the male, but we both have very traditional backgrounds and values, so DP would absolutely want to be the person to initiate any proposal and it’s a special moment id like to have the chance to experience.

Not sure how special it would feel after knowing someone is only doing it because they were threatened with a deadline

How dreary for you OP. Hanging around in the rain for a bus that’s late would be more soulful.

Yep, he needs to know how you feel.

My mate was kept waiting for so long for an engagement by her live-in boyfriend that in the end she was swept off her feet by the man she’s had kids with.

The original boyfriend was livid and acted outraged at her ‘treachery’ and ‘infidelity’ but all his circle pointed out the obvious. He’d seized the advantages of marriage and splitting his bills fast enough, hadn’t he, for someone so squeamish about a ring.

Your not unreasonable to discuss it, you should be open about what you want but you would be unreasonable to give him an ultimatum/hard deadline.
My DF always talked about having a 5 year rule, we got engaged after 4 because it felt right for us at that time. 2 years is really hardly anytime at all.