To give DP a deadline for the proposal

[Teqillatey]

DP and I have been together for 18 months, lived together for a year and are both extremely happy. We’ve discussed our future a lot and both agree that marriage is important to us and something we want in our future and DP will often make references to “when we get married” and so on.

We are both in our 30s and both spent years in a bad long term relationship before we met, so I’m now at the stage where I don’t want to waste any more time and would like full commitment and to settle down. I’m of the view that 2 years together should be more than enough time to judge whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody and personally I’m not keen on waiting much longer than that for a proposal. DP’s good friend recently proposed to his partner of 1 year and DP mentioned to me how soon he felt it was, which concerns me that our expectations may not be aligned.

Would it be too pushy and wrong of me to discuss my timescales and expectations in terms of the 2 year rule or do I have to shut up and wait it out?

"I completely appreciate that of course women can propose to their male partners and it doesn’t have to be led by the male, but we both have very traditional backgrounds and values,"

If you had very traditional values you wouldn't live together before marriage. You might, but has he really? Perhaps go all out traditional and stop having sex. Men always want to pick and choose the traditional values they uphold. You need to discuss this because it sounds like you aren't on the same page.

But if you don't want to do that then maybe say, 'how do you feel about getting married this year?' And gage his reaction. If he seems all for it then add 'great, I'll leave the proposal up to you then'. Hopefully he'll propose right then.

I really struggle to understand comments like this. Do people really stage so-called proposals after they have already agreed to get married? What's the point exactly, when the question has already been discussed? Who is it for? Is it just about ticking some kind of box about what you think a proposal would look like so you act it out to make it seem real?

Not being snarky, I genuinely just don't get it.

Bollocks are you “traditional”!
If he talks about when you’re married now, he’s either already happy to get married, or he’s full of future faking nonsense.
So tell you want to (jointly) decide a timescale.
Grown women sitting around waiting for a proposal 🙄

@Teqillatey

I completely appreciate that of course women can propose to their male partners and it doesn’t have to be led by the male, but we both have very traditional backgrounds and values, so DP would absolutely want to be the person to initiate any proposal and it’s a special moment id like to have the chance to experience.

But if a proposal is only being made in order to meet a deadline, is it that special?

Is there a penalty fee if he misses the deadline?

Appreciate your comments. I really didn’t want this post to turn in to a thread about how women shouldn’t wait for the man to propose! I’m well aware it’s perfectly acceptable either way but it’s just not something I’m looking to do personally. Whether I meet your idea of “traditional” due to the fact I already live with my partner is besides the point.

I asked my partner to get married and he said if he wanted to marry me he’d have proposed. So I set a 3 year deadline for him to make up his mind about our future one way or the other. He said it was ridiculous, he’d already made up his mind to be with me. I said let’s get married then? He said no, I said well you obviously haven’t made up your mind then have you!

I was literally packing my bags at the 3 year deadline when he proposed. I’d already accepted that the relationship was over - I was packing and had cried and mentally checked out. I didn’t feel happy when he proposed, I felt disappointed and confused about how to get my head around the relationship being back on when I’d already accepted it was over. It was just cruel to leave it till that point.

Anyway I married him and I wish I hadn’t. It’s become clear that he only proposed because I pushed him. His only choices were to propose or lose me, but he didn’t really want to propose. He has never loved me enough to want to be married to me. With hindsight I shouldn’t have told him a deadline - I should just have kept my deadline in my head and then dumped him.

Is it that you would like a 'performance proposal'?

Permission to initiate 'wedding planning'?

What is it you need?

Just have an adult conversation with your partner. If you find that you’re both on the same page, you get married. If you’re not, you move on.

This may not fulfil your dreams of a romantic proposal, but imposing a deadline won’t do that either, surely?

I always think that if people can’t talk about things like this properly, they probably shouldn’t be getting married, anyway. Hopefully you’re not in that camp.

You old romantic OP.

It's fine if you want to wait for him to propose, OP. Your life, your choice.

However, you can't wait for him to propose if you're not actually willing to wait! If you give him a deadline then the initiative is yours, not his. Which goes against what you say you want.

I don't think you can have it both ways, really. You can of course give him a deadline and then go through a fairly meaningless ritual of a "traditional" proposal which wouldn't actually be a proposal at all, but don't kid yourself into thinking that your partner would be the one initiating that.

You are setting yourself up for heartache op, if you set a 'secret' deadline by which he wins or fails.

Have the discussion, like grownups. Be open and honest about your timeline, see where he stands, then decide.

Tradition is nothing to do with this; communication is what you need.

Best of luck!

@LaurensILikeYouALot

I don't think you can live together first but then expect a full traditional proposal moment. That's having your cake and eating it. You're already doing things the non 'traditional' way. Which is absolutely fine but I don't think you should pin all your hopes on that 'moment'.

I do think it's a good idea to discuss the timeline, especially relating to having children. If you have wildly different ideas about that then you may need to split up. I don't think framing it as a deadline is helpful though.

The majority of people currently live with their partners prior to getting engaged and lots of them still get the big romantic proposal. It’s not even slightly unusual. ‘Having your cake and eating it’ is a very odd thing to say in this context.

@Justmuddlingalong

Blaming a traditional background to explain waiting for a man to propose is a cop out. Jeez, just have a grown up conversation.

Exactly. Plus you don’t get to bustle about with business-like ‘two year rule’ stuff (is there a two year rule? What is it?), and talk of a ‘deadline’, and then go all twee and coy about bring ‘traditional’ and waiting for a proposal.

No one that ‘traditional’ would have moved in with someone they weren’t married to after six months, anyway. I call bullshit on you both being ‘traditional’.

I don't know which way to vote as I think YABU to give him some sort of ultimatum but I also thing YABU to wait.

Marriage isn't about a bloke going down on one knee. It is about two equal partners being able to discuss things and come to decisions together. If you have talked about marriage and spending the rest of your lives together, and (if you are living together) presumably finances and thinking about attitudes to money, savings / spending, etc., then you can talk about time frames and wedding plans too.

If you both want kids, you could say you want to start trying but want the stability of marriage first.

Depends on your age but could you say you're worried about time moving on fertility wise? I mean I think that's a valid point, if you want kids (or at least a good argument to get things moving, even if in fact you're not that worried about it).

I think a pp has hit the nail on the head with the phrase "performance proposal". I presume that is what the OP really wants.

It seems that this isn't about the actual proposal, because the OP doesn't seem at all opposed to the idea of initiating the conversation and essentially proposing to her partner by giving him a deadline by which he has to decide whether or not he accepts.

This is more about presentation, and having a little bit of theatre so that they can both pretend it was his idea in the first place. I suppose that will enable them to tick their respective boxes with regard to their notions of what a "traditional" proposal might look like.

Totally fair enough, if that's what makes you happy. I don't see the point personally, and I prefer a more direct, straightforward, open style of communication in my own relationship, but it does no harm to anyone, so crack on. If that's what you want, just go ahead and tell him.

@rattlemehearties

If you've already talked about getting married why not just set a date for the wedding? Why the need for a "proposal"? It sounds like you've already discussed and decided?

This. I’ve been married three times and never received a proposal.

@Teqillatey

Appreciate your comments. I really didn’t want this post to turn in to a thread about how women shouldn’t wait for the man to propose! I’m well aware it’s perfectly acceptable either way but it’s just not something I’m looking to do personally. Whether I meet your idea of “traditional” due to the fact I already live with my partner is besides the point.

I agree with you OP.

Not sure a happy marriage starts with an ultimatum. Just have a discussion with him. You so sound very fixed in your views and expectations.

Do you similar views on parenting styles?

I don't think you should marry at all until you work out how to communicate with each other properly.

If you can't have an honest, adult conversation with each other about your needs, hopes and wishes, then that's a much bigger deal than whether he gets down on one knee or any of that tosh.

Stop fretting about a proposal and do some work on your actual relationship if you want it to last.

You are adults living together. You don’t need ‘proposals’ - you need a conversation, to agree where you are and when you’ll get married.

It doesn’t need to be a deadline or ultimatum, just a conversation.

Would you want a proposal because of an ultimatum?

He can still get a ring etc to make it official.

Do you want him to marry you because he wants to or because you gave him a deadline and subsequent ultimatum?

If it's the latter, will you be happy living the rest of your life wondering if he did in fact want to marry you?

Just remember, the more you push the more he'll resist. Best course of action is to ask him outright if he has a timeline in his head and then decide if you are ok with whatever response he gives you.

"Would it be too pushy and wrong of me to discuss my timescales and expectations in terms of the 2 year rule or do I have to shut up and wait it out?"
I get what you mean about the two-year rule, but I'm not sure I'd put it in such rigid terms. And no, don't shut up and wait it out either. You and he just need to have a serious conversation.

"We’ve discussed our future a lot and both agree that marriage is important to us and something we want in our future and DP will often make references to “when we get married” and so on."
So discuss your future again. Discuss - well, what's stopping you from getting married next month? Do you have different ideas about the wedding (one of you wanting big family affair, the other a quiet intimate ceremony / elopement)? Is one of you resistant to change? Do either of you want children? Is he Future Faking you? Talk to each other, and not in vague 'when we get married' terms but in the details of how each of you see that happening.

You're both in your 30's. You're already living together. You should be able to talk seriously about this.

Just talk to him about it?
You don’t need to give a deadline, just tell him what you’d like
Ask what he’d like
Ask how he sees your future (eg do you need to be married to have children. And What’s the time limit on having children like at this point?) and feel it out first

I do think 18months is too early for a lot of people to get engaged to be honest.

Two years is no time..plus its only 6 months away.

If you said 3 and told him now then it's much more reasonable.

I wouldn't have moved in before a proposal if it matters to you so much.