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Original poster

To give DP a deadline for the proposal

380 replies

Teqillatey · 07/02/2022 23:25

DP and I have been together for 18 months, lived together for a year and are both extremely happy. We’ve discussed our future a lot and both agree that marriage is important to us and something we want in our future and DP will often make references to “when we get married” and so on.

We are both in our 30s and both spent years in a bad long term relationship before we met, so I’m now at the stage where I don’t want to waste any more time and would like full commitment and to settle down. I’m of the view that 2 years together should be more than enough time to judge whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody and personally I’m not keen on waiting much longer than that for a proposal. DP’s good friend recently proposed to his partner of 1 year and DP mentioned to me how soon he felt it was, which concerns me that our expectations may not be aligned.

Would it be too pushy and wrong of me to discuss my timescales and expectations in terms of the 2 year rule or do I have to shut up and wait it out?

OP posts:
RedRobin100 · 08/02/2022 05:57

As PP said - it’s fine to set a deadline if you have one but you have to communicate it to him and be prepare to stick to it / follow through and move out if it doesn’t happen. Otherwise you’ll end up stuck, and resentful.

Don’t expect him to read your mind.

Also agree with PP that 2 years is plenty of time in your 30s. And you already live together, so what else is there to learn..?

SportsMother · 08/02/2022 05:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rmka · 08/02/2022 06:05

OP, if you're hoping for a surprise you could set a deadline before you have a conversation about it. You can think about what things you have planned for this year (Valentine's Day, holiday, anniversary) and if it doesn't happen during those, then talk. I agree once you talk then it's no longer his initiative, but at least you'll know where you stand. Then you can mutually decide what you want and if it's marriage, he can still get you a ring and prepare a little surprise. Good luck!

1smallhamsterfoot · 08/02/2022 06:13

Just admit you want him to propose so you can tell everyone and post it on social media 🙄 oh it was sooooo romantic and I only had to bully him into it a teeny bit

ViceLikeBlip · 08/02/2022 06:20

I think proposals are ridiculous and outdated. Just discuss it like any other life event, like when you discussed moci8in together.

There's no point trying to pish him onto your time scale. It won't end well.

ViceLikeBlip · 08/02/2022 06:20

*moving in

Marmm · 08/02/2022 06:22

@Teqillatey

I completely appreciate that of course women can propose to their male partners and it doesn’t have to be led by the male, but we both have very traditional backgrounds and values, so DP would absolutely want to be the person to initiate any proposal and it’s a special moment id like to have the chance to experience.
But if you've given him a deadline you've initiated it anyway. There are only 6 months until your proposed deadline so the window will just get smaller and you'll know its coming (or be worried that there's only 5 days left etc and maybe he's going to ditch you).

If you want to marry him just ask. It doesn't have to be all bells and whistles.

babyjellyfish · 08/02/2022 06:25

Your thread title sounds quite scary and demanding but actually what you're saying makes a lot more sense.

Rather than giving him a deadline to propose (which comes across like holding a gun to his head and takes any romance out of the situation anyway), why don't you just have a conversation about where you see the relationship going and when you'd like to get married and start a family? See how he reacts. No need to be coy about it. This is a decision the two of you should take together. You shouldn't be waiting on a proposal. If he wants to propose, he can do it after you've had the conversation.

Marmm · 08/02/2022 06:28

Also there's a difference between a proposal and a marriage. He could propose to keep you sweet and then take years to set a date.

I think you are way over thinking it and if you want to marry him just ask him. If you can't talk to him about this you probably shouldn't be getting married.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 08/02/2022 06:29

Wanting a performance proposal is not a traditional "value" in any sense - it is an entirely modern phenomenon

This listen to the poster who got married in the '60s, about a third of weddings at that time were because the woman was pregnant. In the '30s people got married because war was coming. Big white weddings are a consumerist invention (and in my view hypocritical if in your 30's and living together).

Butchyrestingface · 08/02/2022 06:29

As others have pointed out, you're not that traditional. You wouldn't be living with someone before marriage if you were.

The onus is on you to ask him since you're the one for whom marriage seems so important. That way, you'll get an answer and can then decide whether to stay or move on, depending on what the response is.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 08/02/2022 06:34

It is really semantics whether you propose or ‘give him a deadline’ to propose. That is, in essence, proposing, albeit not very romantically.

You are not wrong, if marriage is important to you (and it is legally important) to want to make sure it happens soon. However, engagement is no more meaningful than just living together, and some couples are forever ‘engaged’, whatever that means.

You are already past the point of a romantic proposal and, whatever he does now, will feel forced.

So, either get practical and make it happen or leave.

Shoxfordian · 08/02/2022 06:41

It’s not the best idea to give him a deadline; do you really want a proposal under the gun like that?

If you can’t be adult enough to have a conversation about it and ask him when he wants to get married then you’re probably not ready to do it anyway

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 08/02/2022 06:42

Chuckling away at “traditional backgrounds and values” 😂

Are you living at home with your parents waiting for your DP to ask your father’s permission for your hand in marriage and negotiate the dowry?

Are you waiting for the wedding night to have sex for the first time?

If you work, are you ready to give up your job as soon as you get the ring on your finger so that you can step into your new job of housewife?

If answer to all of those is ‘yes’ then fair play, you’re right about the traditional values. If not, then you just want the big performance proposal so you can do the fake surprise. There’s nothing wrong with that, but own it!

To give DP a deadline for the proposal
fishonabicycle · 08/02/2022 06:44

So basically you expect your partner to honour a deadline you have set in your head? Okey

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 08/02/2022 06:45

Once you give him a deadline then it's meaningless as to whether he proposes or not, he's doing it because you have asked him to.

I absolutely applaud your understanding of the importance of marriage before children etc. but you can't manufacture romance.

whiteroseredrose · 08/02/2022 06:46

I did, but it was slightly different. It wasn't about a proposal.

My (now) DH said that he wasn't really bothered about marriage. Lots of his friends have long term partners but have never married.

So I said that it was important to me. If we were to be together for life then I wanted to be married.

I was already early 30s so said that he could think about it for about a year.

If he didn't want to marry me then I'd move on and see if I could find someone who did.

He proposed about 6 months later.

Twizbe · 08/02/2022 06:46

I'll try and give more helpful advice here.

I didn't set a deadline as such but I did say 2 things to him.

  1. I didn't want to be together 10 years and not be married. At the time we'd been together 7 so he still had a while to go. We'd also met at 19 so I was ok with having been together for a while before marriage as we needed to grow up

  2. both my passport and driving licence needed to be renewed in the same year and I intended to change my surname. I told him I didn't want to have to change it and then pay again to renew it. I'd rather do both things together.

We knew marriage was on the cards but I wanted him to know that I had a deadline and a practical reason for marrying when we did.

Fairylightsongs · 08/02/2022 06:50

Op, you don’t need to propose,but if your relationship is not at the stage where you sit down and discuss marriage openly and honestly, when, where, type of marriage etc, guests, honeymoon, then you’re not at the marrying stage of your relationship.

Soontobe60 · 08/02/2022 06:50

@Teqillatey

I completely appreciate that of course women can propose to their male partners and it doesn’t have to be led by the male, but we both have very traditional backgrounds and values, so DP would absolutely want to be the person to initiate any proposal and it’s a special moment id like to have the chance to experience.
Don’t be ridiculous! Just tell him you’re booking the wedding!!!
Nailsbythesea · 08/02/2022 06:52

@Justmuddlingalong

Blaming a traditional background to explain waiting for a man to propose is a cop out. Jeez, just have a grown up conversation.
Yes this. It’s a way of saying a woman is not equal and not the relationship I would want to be in. I’d say do you want to get married in summer 2023? Small wedding etc
AllAlongTheWitchTower · 08/02/2022 06:56

Tricky. It isn't U to have a deadline in mind, but as pps have already said, it isn't a traditional, surprise proposal if you tell him to do it and also set the date / deadline!

There's no shame in that. We didn't have a traditional proposal and I absolutely wouldn't have stayed with dh if we hadn't got engaged, as he was moved really far away from home with his job and he wanted me to go with him. I wouldn't have if we didn't get engaged, as it meant I left family and a career opportunity behind. So, I definitely sympathise with not wanting to stay together while not engaged. But I think you need to to a grown up conversation about it instead of telling him to sweep you off your feet, which just doesn't work

DrSbaitso · 08/02/2022 06:59

If it's such a good relationship, you should be able to discuss it.

we both have very traditional backgrounds and values, so DP would absolutely want to be the person to initiate any proposal

This is a bit worrying, though. Every time we have this issue, everyone's suddenly very traditional...

PickledOnionSandwich · 08/02/2022 07:00

You definitely need to have the conversation. I told DH on our second date that I wanted to be married to him within 5 years. Turned out he was rather keen too 😆 No point in being coy about these sorts of things.

Pipsquiggle · 08/02/2022 07:01

You definitely need to have a chat with him but I wouldn't use marriage as a ultimatum. You haven"t said if you both want children, if you do, this is the angle I would use.

I remember having 'a chat' with my then DP now DH, that I was in my 30s and if we wanted to have DC, we better get on with it as women's fertility falls off a cliff mid 30s. I didn't mention marriage. Fortunately my DP had already been looking at engagement rings and had a plan to propose 3 weeks later.

He was quite traditional that he wanted to be married before we had DC. I wasn't that bothered but knew I wanted DC and that had a definite biological clock deadline.