Is 12am too late to be hanging around outside for 15 year olds ?

[GreekGod]

Over the weekend, four of our DD friends all 15 years old were involved in an awful accident and two of the girls are still in intensive care and they are in a critical condition. This has shook our community to the core and I just can't stop thinking about the parents who we know really well. Basically a car driven by an 18 year old at a great speed who just got his license hit two of the girls and the other two had minor injuries. The accident happened outside a coffee shop that is full of teenagers every Saturday night (13 to 16 year olds). My DD was also going to go out that evening to the same place but cancelled at the last minute as we were invited out to a family birthday meal. The accident happened at 12am on Sunday morning and today at the school there was a general discussion by some of the parents saying that they would never allow their children out that late and that the accident would never happened at an earlier time. They talked about attacks and rapes, joyriding and all sorts. We do allow DD out that late. She is a good kid, achieves excellent grades and is very respectful. She is also mature for her age. But it got me thinking. Are we wrong in allowing a 15 year old out at 12am in a group outside in a town with other 15 year olds? My DD could have quite easily been in intensive care herself and I now feel awfully guilty in giving her this freedom that could harm her ? I am so confused. AIBU in allowing a 15 year old to stay out till after 12am ?

What did you think they were doing for hours? We have a McDonald’s nearby where teens hang out in cars - issues are vandalism & litter, drug or nitrous oxide use (and litter from it), sex in cars (condoms litter), reckless driving young teens racing often with passengers in car or stood nearby. And it’s a nice area! No knife issues etc.
As an aside it’s why teenagers insurance is so expensive as they tend to injure other teens not just themselves - assuming the girls live but with life hanging injuries those are massive claims for an insurer - 24 hr lifetime care for a 15 year old x 2.

a 24 hour garage is a safe place after midnight for young teens?

I don't think a garage is a particularly dangerous environment for a group of teenagers, no, even after midnight. She's not what I'd call a young teen, she's 15 and Y11.

Honestly if I was at a late night garage at 1am and a group of teens were hanging out there

They go to the garage to buy snacks, not to hang out.

I don’t see why your daughter needs to be out all night anyway.

She's not out all night.

I’d wonder why they are so keen to be down on a deserted beach in the middle of the night.

I assume it's because beaches are nice places to be, and it's not deserted, there's a prom with restaurants, a cinema and people also live there. It's a busy place.

She comes home happy, sober, having had a good time with her friends. We live in a safe area. She's close to home. She's not out by herself. We know where she is and check in with her. I'm not trying to be contrary, I really can't see what's so controversial about it.

DrivelandNonsense, you don't own your children, they are people in their own right and it is not great parenting in my opinion to stop them from establishing their own identity. Part of becoming an adult is about exploration and being in command of your own life, a big part of understanding that in the mid to latter teenager years is being around people your own age, having a depth of friendship that challenges notions of yourself and your character. You just can't get that from hanging off the apron strings. I actually think it is stifling to the imagination and ultimate success in a person's life. My DS is trusted and you can see he is very much in command of his own life already. He is really bright and does well at school, super confident, well liked and sociable. I don't want him to be a nervous wreck at home, gaming until his eyes pop out of his head and being scared of human interaction because of what 'might' happen, it is unhealthy to live with that fear and it is misplaced love in my opinion.

Bit late for 15 I think

@Goldenbear gosh yes I wonder how I have a successful career, own my own home, lovely family and friends and am highly educated when my parents didn’t let me wander around the streets after midnight 🙄🙄

Children can become well rounded by doing activities with their friends within normal hours
, by having hobbies and after school activities with exceptions as they get older for a late movie, a concert etc. Letting them hang around the streets after midnight is not good parenting in my opinion.

@DrivelandNonsense I think my parents were great. Hanging out at the houses of friends my own age that I knew, with some experimentation with alcohol, was a very normal experience. We were all nice, working-class to middle-class kids, this was the early 2000s and my high school group I'm still in touch have close relationships with their parents, professional jobs, and most married by now. I'm not going to lie and say it was some horrific parental ordeal when it was very much the norm and turned out well adjusted adults.

@Bolets it’s not normal to be out drinking till 1am at 13 years old.

This is based on statistics not just oh I’m fine so it’s all good @Bolets

Alcohol use during the teenage years is related to a wide range of health and social problems

Drinking alcohol can damage a child's health, even if they're 15 or older. It can affect the normal development of vital organs and functions, including the brain, liver, bones and hormones.

Beginning to drink before age 14 is associated with increased health risks, including alcohol-related injuries, involvement in violence, and suicidal thoughts and attempts

Drinking at an early age is also associated with risky behaviour, such as violence, having more sexual partners, pregnancy, using drugs, employment problems and drink driving

Yes that is too.late. I'd expect her back by 10.30pm

DrivelandNonsense, yes, I have all those things as does my DH but it doesn't really have anything to do with going out in an age appropriate way as a teenager. I'm not talking about at a superficial level which is what home ownership and good jobs are, I'm suggesting that forging out your own identity is paramount to a happy life. Being shoe horned in to a superficially 'good' life according to what your parents think is good is not going to achieve that. The Op was about a coffee shop and being at a coffee shop, how is that hanging around pointlessly?

This controlled fun (parents' notion of fun) is no fun when you are 15+. Every kid at uni with parents like that were the worst when it came to drugs, alcohol etc. As they could do what they liked and didn't opt for the late night cinema viewing! Are you for real, it reminds me of that Alan Partridge sketch when asks what his older teenager son is doing in bed at 12 o'clock on a Saturday, why is he wasting his life, it transpires his son is in bed with his girlfriend!

And no I'm not advocating that is ok at 15, un the Alan Partridge sketch his son is supposed to be about 19. The point is that Alan Partridge is so middle aged he has forgotten about youthful fun that is not necessarily structured like he's visits to the bird of Prey sanctuary.

His not hes

@Goldenbear the op was about her DD being hanging around outside a coffee shop at midnight. My subsequent posts were to a poster whose DD wanders round the streets for a walk or goes to an all night garage after midnight.

It’s absolute nonsense to say a teen can’t have fun or a good childhood before midnight or will become wild once they hit 18 if they’re not out on the streets after midnight.

You need to be ignoring the idle gossip from silly, insensitive people who have nothing better to talk about and support your daughter who must be in utter turmoil over her friends. She sounds like a great, sensible girl going to a cafe, not a seedy nightclub, and an accident can happen just as easily at 4 in the afternoon. Take away her freedoms and she will just stop telling you where she's going while at friends' houses.

And that’s at 15! Another poster was drinking at house parties until 1am at 13!!! No doubt you’re in favour of that as it’s ‘fun’.

That's not what people are suggesting or saying. You have completely misunderstood, it is about staggered freedom and having fun in their own right not applying their parents' notion of fun which is often very dull indeed. There is supposed to be that difference in generational outlook, teenagers are beginning their adventure, parents are not and are naturally more conservative, settled and not looking for that external stimulation as much. Trying to deny your teenagers of forging their own identity through stifling and infantalising rules is not appropriate or a good example of parenting.

@Goldenbear maybe you should reread my posts as it’s clear you’ve also misunderstood what I am saying and randomly decided to ‘educate’ me on raising teenagers as your DS is so amazing 😂😂

Again, twisting things to fit your narrative. I said that there is a huge difference in outlook from 13 -15, I said that a while back. Trying to pretend your child is not growing up an becoming an individual in their own right not just a carbon copy of you, is unfair and unhealthy!

@Goldenbear so you didn’t say My DS is trusted and you can see he is very much in command of his own life already. He is really bright and does well at school, super confident, well liked and sociable

And where exactly did I say I was trying to pretend your child is not growing up an becoming an individual in their own right not just a carbon copy of you, is unfair and unhealthy you are the one twisting words to suit your narrative!

Yes, I did say that, so? Someone mentioned their 13 year old but I was pointing out the sizemic difference in changes just in those 2 years so no, I didn't say my I have a 13 year old at parties at 1am drunk.

I inferred from your posts that you are a micro manager of the teenager and there is an equation that equates to success. So if you have these rules you are a 'good' parent and like you will be successful. So success equals all the things you listed, so I essence they should be a carbon copy of you and this will be achieved by strict, infantalising rules. I know someone like that and their 6th former just climbs out the window to go where they want to after they have returned, they seek off in the early hours of the morning for a Macdonalds breakfast. Basically, they hide everything as they are fighting against these restrictive infantalising rules.

It's hard for UK people to imagine this situation as here nowhere is open at midnight except nightclubs, where under 18s are not allowed. So a 15 year old out at that time is hanging around the streets if they aren't at someone's house. Having said that I probably wouldn't let my 15 year old be out in an open cafe at that time either. Unless there's a very different culture the likelihood of coming into contact with drunk people is high at that time of night which leads to danger, even if the teens themselves aren't drinking. A 15 year old here got punched by a drunk guy at 3.30 pm. It's much more likely late at night. If they are at someone's house with parents there, that's fine though I'd expect them to stay overnight not be coming home on their own or expecting me to pick them up.

Sneek not seek

@Goldenbear ahhh ok so you inferred how I parent as I don’t agree with 15 year olds wandering the streets and going to parks and all night garages after midnight and I don’t agree with 13 year olds being out until 1am and drinking and subsequently went on a big rant projecting your own issues with parenting and how your approach is the right approach as your son is so amazing. Riiiggghhttt 😂😂😂😂

Surely it's fair enough for @Goldenbear to criticise your parenting, @DrivelandNonsense, since you are criticising others?

@hopperrock

Surely it's fair enough for *@Goldenbear to criticise your parenting, @DrivelandNonsense*, since you are criticising others?

Sure, she can critique my parenting of my non-existent teenager all she likes 😂😂😂😂